by Daisy Allen
“No! Don’t! I never wanted you to do that!”
“I know. I did it for you anyway.”
“And I don’t think he was here to hurt me.” I say the words before I think them.
“Come on, Isabella! Grow up. Then why was he here?”
It takes me a moment to remember. And then I do.
“He said… he wasn’t the one who broke into my apartment.”
“Pfft, and you believe him? He’s probably just covering his tracks.”
“No. I believe him.” Again, the words come out of my mouth even before I can process them in my mind.
“You’re just in shock at seeing him again. I’ll take you home and you’ll feel better in a bit.” He moves to take my hand but I take a step back.
I look up at my best friend, my partner. “Did you really pay him off?”
He nods, “Yes.”
“Why?”
“To protect you.”
“But you barely knew me then.”
“I knew enough to…” his voice trails off just as a car horn blasts, drowning him out.
“To what?” I prompt him.
“Iz, are we really having this conversation now?” he asks, running a hand through his blonde hair.
“Just tell me, Cameron.”
“I knew enough to know, okay?”
“To know what?”
“That I loved you. And I would do anything to protect you.”
“Oh, Cameron.” I wish he hadn’t said it. There’s no going back from here.
“You know it’s true,” he whispers.
And I do. Just as he has always known that I have never returned those feelings.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. I can wait.”
I just shake my head. No more. I don’t want anyone waiting for me anymore. I can’t take that responsibility.
“No, Cameron. I need you to understand. I’m not going to change my mind. Ever.”
He just smirks and I feel a sudden urge to wipe it from his face. I’ve tolerated his arrogance because it made him a good business partner, but I don’t want him feeling that about me.
“I’m here for you. I’ve always been here. I was here when your life came crashing down around you. I was here when your attacker broke into your home and stole your grandmother’s ring. And I’ll be here when all this settles down and you realize that I’m the only person you’ve ever been able to rely on. Not Xavier. Me.”
He drapes his coat around my shoulders as I stand there, thinking about his words.
“Come on, I’ll take you home. One more night in that apartment and you can stay with me tomorrow until you find a new place. I’ll have the guest room made up.”
“Wait. Cameron.”
“Hmm?”
“I didn’t tell you that my grandmother’s ring was stolen.”
“What?”
“I said, I didn’t tell you that my grandmother’s ring was stolen. Only Xavier knew that.” This doesn’t make sense.
“I’m sure you did, maybe you just forgot,” he says, waving my words away.
“I didn’t forget! I know I didn’t. I didn’t tell the police either. That ring was worth nothing. It was just some costume jewelry. I didn’t list it on the insurance either. But you. You knew that was my grandmother’s ring. So how did you know it was stolen?”
His face freezes, then he just shrugs. "You were upset, I can't remember when you told me. We've talked a lot in the last few weeks, Iz. You probably just don't remember!"
“No! Oh my God. Cameron. How did you know?”
“I…”
I back away. There’s only one way. “No. Please. No.”
“Isabella.”
“Oh my God. The slipper!” My head aches with the revelation. “You went to Damien’s dance studio when you went to bribe him to go away. That’s where I left it. And that’s where you got it. Oh my god. You’re the one who broke in and… put the slipper in my apartment. You were trying to frame him.”
“Isabella, wait no. You have it all wrong.”
I feel so sick I can barely stand straight. The feeling of walking into my trashed apartment comes hurtling back to the front of my mind. The way I felt seeing my ballet slipper again, reliving the worst moment of my life. My stomach turns and I bend over and retch into the gutter. I push him away as he tries to help me.
“It was you. It was you?”
His face tells me everything I need to know.
“Isabella.”
“Why? WHY?”
The anguish is etched deep on his face as he stumbles for the right words. But there are none. “I was just trying to help you. Remind you, that I’m here for you. That I’ve always been here for you.”
“That’s not what love is, Cameron! Scaring me into your arms?! Do you have any idea how utterly fucked up that is?!” The betrayal is so colossal, I can’t even comprehend it.
“Then what IS love then? I have been here for you all this time, Isabella. I stepped in, got rid of that piece of shit, and he hasn’t bothered you until now! That is love, Iz. Not some teenage puppy love you didn’t even trust enough with your secret.”
And it all becomes clear. “Oh my god, is that what this was all about? Xavier?”
“No! It’s about us. It’s always been about us. Isabella, please understand why I did this!”
He reaches out and grabs my wrist. I have no energy to shake him off. I don’t have the energy to process what my life is, has been.
“Let go of me, Cameron.” His touch disgusts me so much, I almost retch again.
“No, Isabella-…”
“She said ‘let go.’”
We both whip our heads around at the sound of the voice.
Xavier.
How? I don’t care.
“Get lost, you fucking creep.” Cameron spits.
“Now, I’m saying it. Let go of her,” Xavier says. He doesn’t move, just stands there, his hands in his pockets, staring Cameron down. But something in his voice makes Cameron obey and he drops my hand and takes a step back.
“Xavier!” I cry and run over to him.
He doesn’t say anything, just takes one tiny step to move his body in front of me. “You okay?” he says, and I just nod. I am. He is here.
“Everything is fine. She doesn’t want you here,” Cameron scoffs.
“I think I’ll let her speak for herself.”
“I’m okay. Can you take me home, please?” I beg Xavier gently. He pulls off his jacket and throws it around my shoulders.
“Isabella! Wait!” Cameron yells out as I walk away. The sound of his voice makes my body shudder.
I force myself to stop and address him once and for all. “No. I can’t believe that I’m saying this to you. After everything. But no. Don’t you ever come near me again. I don’t know who you are anymore, Cameron. Maybe I’ve never known.”
He storms toward me, but Xavier blocks him, a hand against his chest.
“You heard her.”
“What, you’re going to smash my face in? Is that all you know how to do?” Cameron smirks. And in that moment I feel like I hate him more than I’ve ever hated anyone.
“No. I know when someone’s not even worth touching,” Xavier says.
I look at my former friend one last time and turn to walk away.
“Isabella!” he yells.
“Forget Isabella. That fucking name you convinced me to take. My name is Malynda. But you should forget that too.”
***
By the time we reach my front door, I’m so tired the hallway echoes with the sound of my feet dragging one behind the other. Xavier props me up against the door and rummages inside my purse until he finds the keys. Unlocking the door, he swings it open and then pulls my arm around my neck as he tucks one arm under my legs and carries me into the apartment.
It’s almost completely bare. All my belongings packed in boxes stacked in the hallway, ready for my new life.
A life I have no
vision of right now. And a past that lies in ruins.
He lays me gently on the bed, and I only let go because I have to.
He slips my shoes off my feet.
“What were you doing there?”
“I was watching you.”
“How long have you been doing that?”
He just shrugs.
“It’s a hard habit to break.”
“Did you see Damien?”
“Yes.”
“And did you hear Cameron?”
“Yes.”
“I wouldn’t have let either of them hurt you. I didn’t step in until I thought you might actually be in danger.”
“I know.”
"But that's not my job anymore, is it?"
“No.”
“You get some rest.” He leans over and kisses me gently on the forehead.
“Xavier?”
“Can you just stay for tonight? Please?”
“Malynda.”
“Please. I miss you. Just stay. For tonight.”
He sighs, and then I watch as he pulls off his jacket and throws it onto the foot of the bed, sliding off his shoes before sliding into bed next to me.
I roll over and I’m in his arms.
“Just for tonight,” he whispers, his lips in my hair.
My hand falls onto his chest, and I watch it rise and fall, rise and fall with his breath. My fingertips play with the buttons and I push one through the hole. And then another. And another until his shirt is completely undone. The two sides fall apart and I run my nails up his taut stomach, feeling the hot skin stretched over muscle.
I try to ignore the purple and yellowing marks, but I can’t. They’re there because of me. I roll over and press a kiss to the wounds on his chest. His heartbeat races under my lips and I move my body until I’m straddling over him, gently kissing up the bruises on his sternum, his neck until my lips are on his.
I feel his whole body close around me, his legs hooking around mine, his arms around my back as the kiss deepens.
I know what I want, what I need in this moment. Xavier, wholly and completely. I reach between us, fumbling with his zipper.
"Malynda," he whispers and I shush him with another kiss.
“Just for tonight. Please.”
He sighs, and lies back, watching me as I shake my head, my hair falling over us.
He pushes my hands away and frees himself as I slide my panties down my legs.
He reaches up, his hands cupping my face like it’s a precious chalice in his hands.
“I love you, Malynda. Whatever happens to us, I want you to remember, I will always love you.”
My tears trickle down my face and onto his fingers.
If only I knew he would always be here to catch my tears.
I shift, positioning him under me, and then slide my body down, feeling him fill me up. Just as I wanted. Wholly. Completely.
He exhales and drops his hands down onto my hips, looking up at me, as we start to find a rhythm.
Our eyes lock and never leave each other’s.
Not even when he lifts my dress off my body. Not when I reach down, bracing my hands on his chest. Not when I feel myself fall over the cliff, or when his whole body clenches and then releases inside me.
Not even then.
Only when my exhausted body falls against him, do we finally look away.
“What are you going to do now?” I whisper to him, when our breath is quiet.
“Try to figure out what my life is meant to be without you,” he says, brushing my hair off my neck and dropping a kiss to the top of my head.
“You’ve done it for twelve years.”
“No. There wasn’t a day you weren’t with me.”
“And what am I supposed to do?” I ask him.
“Whatever it is you want. Without the weight of the past, without the fear of me finding out, without looking over your shoulder. Free from all that. Just to do whatever it is you were meant to do.”
I slide up until my ear is just over his heart. “What if what I want is to be with you?”
“Then you’ll figure out a way to do that too.”
***
I'm not sure what time it is when I wake up, but the room is completely dark. I turn over onto my back and nothing stops me. I reach out my hand to touch the sheet and it’s cold. He is gone but I still, strangely, feel safe as I slide out of bed pulling on the dressing gown I left on the chair next to my bed and walk through my empty apartment. There is no sign of him. There's barely a sign of me left in this empty space and I'll be glad to be gone from here tomorrow.
I hear a cough on the other side of the door and I freeze just for a moment before I realize what I'm hearing. I tiptoe to the door and peep through the eyehole, and there he is, sitting in the hallway outside of my apartment on the floor, his arms wrapped around his own body. His eyes staring straight ahead, waiting, watching, always protecting.
It takes everything I have not to throw the door open and run to him.
But I know, it's not our time.
I know that now.
I know that for me, I know that for him, and I know in the morning when I step outside he won't be waiting for me anymore. I push away from the door and slide to the floor, my back against the flat, cold wood, and cry over Xavier Kent one last time.
Thirty-eight
Him
“Are you going to tell me where you going? I mean, it's not that I don't like having you here but it's that I don't like having you here," Ram says. “You kind of cramp my style.”
The laugh that bubbles out of my throat surprises even me. I haven’t been in much of a laughing mood lately. “I was here ONE night. And please! What style? Your nightstand is literally a stack of Playboy magazines from the 1970s.”
“Exactly. Porno chic,” Ram retorts.
“Yeah, well, you needn’t worry about people stealing it from you. Anyway, relax. I'll be gone by the time you get home tonight.”
“Where are you going?”
“Away,” I shrug.
There’s a twitch of his left eyebrow, but he doesn’t push it. “Is there anything you need me to do while you're gone,” he asks, but he didn't need to ask.
“No,” I say, even though we both know it's a lie. “You take care of your business and I'll take care of mine.”
“Mate, that's always been the problem. Your business is my business.”
Our smiles at each other soon turn into idiot grins.
“Should we hug it out?”
“Fuck, no. You’ll just break my ribs again.”
Forty
Her
"Jade, I can’t thank you enough for letting me stay here,” I say, as she reaches into a moving box and pulls out a cushion and lays it on my bed.
"Are you kidding me? I am so happy to have a friend in the building. I’m thrilled this apartment became available just in time. And don't worry, you’re far away enough not to hear my baby cry at four in the morning. Although five floors away isn't far enough from me not to come down and have a chat with you every night," Jade says, and then giggles, reaching over and squeezing my arm.
The truth is I can’t thank her enough. I was supposed to move in with Cameron while I looked for a new place but even the mere thought of his name right now makes me shudder. I don't know if I'll ever be able to be in the same room with him again, but right now all I can think about is how he tried to manipulate me by committing one of the most heinous things I could ever imagine someone who calls themselves my friend could do. My life feels like it’s fallen off a cliff, and there’s nothing left for me to hold on to.
"Jade, about the youth center. Now that I'm not partners with Cameron anymore, do you still want me to finish the design work?"
Jade shifts closer to me on the bed and takes my hand in hers. "If I recall, we hired you, not your firm."
My firm. As much as I can't imagine ever working with Cameron again the thought of the business we worked so hard on together
now lying in ruins breaks my heart.
"Hey. You’ll work it out. And will be here to help you.”
All I can do is nod. I’m sure she’s had enough of my moping by now. I hadn’t known how she and Kaine were going to treat me; it would’ve been understandable if they’d wanted to kept their distance from me considering how close they were to Xavier. But once again, they’d proven just what wonderful people they are. It’s only fair I try to repay them by doing the absolute best job on the youth center that I possibly can.
Jade cuts open another box and reaches inside.
“Hey, what’s this?”
I look over as she turns a crumpled white envelope in her hand. Just seeing it turns my stomach upside down. I reach for it, turning it over in my hands, remembering.
“Just something from the past.”
She smiles, “Looks like it’s had an interesting life.”
I nod.
"Actually, Jade? I’ve just had an idea I want to float by you," I say to her. And something about the thought suddenly brewing in my mind makes me smile for the first time in a long time. Apparently, it's contagious, because Jade grins and sits up straight, suddenly looking just as excited as I feel.
She gives me a wink and says, "I’m all ears. Float away."
Forty-One
Him
Do you ever wonder what they mean when they say, you can never go home? Do they mean that home isn’t really a place, a location, an X on a map? Maybe it’s just a feeling you have in your heart that can’t ever be recreated.
I never really thought about it, I guess, because I don't know where home is. I love Manhattan, I really do. The hustle and the bustle and the manic chaos and the anonymity while having nothing but a thin wall between you and your neighbor excites me, keeps me feeling alive. But home?
I don’t know. I don’t know what home is supposed to feel like.
But some places, home or not, are coded in your DNA forever.
That’s how I feel as I step off the company jet onto the tarmac in Portland, Maine.
