Dare to Fall

by Estelle Maskame

  “Me either,” Dani admits quietly, briefly looking over at me. “But I thought I’d give her a chance.”

  I playfully nudge her, then give her a little cuddle as I look back at Jaden. Really I want to hug him, but I know it would be too forward in the current situation, so I stuff my hands into the front pouch of my hoodie instead to stop myself from involuntarily touching him. “Well done on the win,” I say, our eyes locked. “Those tackles? Pretty badass if you ask me.”

  “Not so badass when you fuck up your shoulder,” he points out, placing his hand over his hoodie near his collarbone and massaging the area for emphasis, his warm, playful eyes never leaving mine.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Will and Holden watching me closely. Will’s head is cocked to one side as he studies us, whereas Holden has his fist pressed to his mouth, blinking rapidly, his cheeks still red from the adrenaline of the game. He drops his hand, steps forward and mumbles, “Kenzie, we’re leaving.” Then, he frantically nudges Will in the ribs. “Will, c’mon, get your keys out,” he says quietly.

  “Where are we going?” I ask, folding my arms across my chest. Last I heard, we hadn’t made any plans yet, but Holden seems to be in a rush to get out of here. He probably doesn’t want the Hunters tagging along with us again, but I do.

  “I don’t know. McDonalds,” Holden answers. Will hesitantly reaches into his pocket for the keys to his Jeep, glancing between Holden and me, unsure if we’re leaving or not. “C’mon, I’ll buy you your Big Mac.”

  I look to Will for help, but he just shrugs, holding his hands up, refusing to join the debate. Then I look back at Jaden and Dani, who seem uncomfortable. I hate being stuck in the middle like this, being forced to decide whether to leave with my friends or stay with Jaden. I did promise Jaden I would meet him after the game, and I really don’t want to bail after a couple of minutes, not just because I keep my promises, but because I really want to spend time with him.

  “Why don’t we . . . why don’t we all go together?”

  “Kenzie,” Holden whines, poised to make a dash for the Jeep. “Can’t the three of us just hang out?” he asks, his voice quiet as he reaches for the keys and steals them out of Will’s hand.

  “Holden,” Jaden calls out, and Holden immediately glances up with a flash of bewilderment on his face at the sound of Jaden saying his name. But Jaden’s not smiling anymore. He looks really pissed for once. “What the hell is your problem?”

  “Let’s just go,” Dani mumbles, reaching for him and tugging at his arm. Despite the relaxed, happy mood she was in a few minutes ago, she’s now suddenly back to her wary, reserved self. She keeps her head down a little, a deep frown etched into her face as she tries to get Jaden to leave with her. It’s clear she doesn’t want to be here anymore, and I can’t blame her.

  Holden tightens his fist around Will’s keys so hard that his knuckles pale from the pressure, and he narrows his eyes at Jaden. “I just wanna hang out with Kenzie and Will, man,” he mumbles, barely audible.

  Jaden looks even more baffled as he stares back at Holden. I think he is losing his patience now. “Dude, just say that then. If you’re so desperate to leave, then leave already. You’re putting a downer on everyone’s good mood anyway.”

  Holden is glaring at him now, looking pissed off at Jaden having dared to talk back to him. I doubt he was expecting it, and for a few seconds he looks as though he is contemplating replying, but he doesn’t. He keeps quiet and instead turns to me. “Kenzie, are you coming with us?”

  “No. Jaden can take me home,” I state. I don’t know why Holden is behaving like this. He can’t keep acting like a petulant child whenever it suits him, and I’m not leaving with Will and Holden if Jaden isn’t welcome to join. I’d rather Jaden just took me home himself. Holden releases a long, heavy sigh and then simply shakes his head at me.

  “Let’s go,” he mutters, nudging Will forward, forcing him to leave with him. Will rolls his eyes at me as we exchange a small nod of agreement, and then he and Holden turn around and begin to walk away, headed back toward the Jeep.

  “Just because you scored a touchdown for once doesn’t mean you can act like a dick!” Jaden calls after them, raising his voice to ensure Holden hears. He rolls his eyes, and it is clear he is annoyed. I can’t blame him: Holden wasn’t exactly subtle about the fact that he doesn’t want Jaden and Dani around.

  Holden almost twists back around, but Will grabs him and forces him to keep moving forward until they disappear around the corner of the school building. I’m left alone with Jaden and Dani, and if this was a month ago, I’d be sprinting halfway across town by this point. But not anymore. It feels more like Holden is the one who’s unpredictable to be around now.

  “What’s wrong with him?” Dani asks. She looks aggrieved and upset as she waits for me to offer an explanation for Holden’s erratic behavior.

  Unfortunately, I don’t have one, so all I can do is apologize on his behalf. “I’m sorry about him. I don’t know what his issue is, but I’ll talk to him about it.” It really is starting to get cold, so I pull my hoodie tighter around me, yanking the hood up over my head. My eyes find Jaden’s and he’s already staring at me, though he still looks full of residual anger. “You really don’t mind taking me home?”

  “Kenzie,” is all he says as he rolls his eyes, and then he reaches into the pocket of his jeans and pulls out the keys to the Corolla, nodding across the near-empty lot. “Let’s go.”

  The three of us stroll across the cold lot toward the car, though Dani walks slightly ahead of us, and she even lets me ride shotgun. As she climbs into the back seat, she peers around the back of Jaden’s headrest and says, “You can drop me off first.” She leans back and pulls on her seatbelt, and when I glance over my shoulder at her, she gives me a small, knowing smile. It reminds me of the way Dani used to be before, back when she would teasingly kiss the air in front of me whenever Jaden’s back was turned, back when she would wink and offer to give us some space, back when she would ask when we were going to hurry up and get together already.

  “I was going to dump your ass back at the house first anyway,” Jaden tells her with a hearty laugh as he starts up the engine. Dani promptly stretches forward and flicks the back of his ear, and I smile as I watch the two of them bickering.

  Sometimes I really hate being an only child. I’ve grown up missing out on the fun of a playful sibling rivalry and the sharing of deep secrets and the feeling of knowing someone was always going to have my back. I thought that I was finally going to have all of that, but then I never did. I try not to think about it too much as Jaden pulls out of the school grounds, heating on full blast, radio on low, and heads toward his grandparents’ house to drop Dani off so that we can be alone at last. Just the thought of it has my heart beating that tiny bit faster.

  17

  Dani waves to us from the porch, the small light above her illuminating her features, before she disappears into the house, closing the door behind her. I’m still sitting in the car with Jaden by my side, the two of us watching her in silence with only the sound of the heating whirring in the background. The boat at the back of the driveway looks old and dismal.

  One hand on the steering wheel, Jaden reaches up and turns on the small light so that he can see me better. His eyes meet mine. “Do I really have to take you home right now?” he asks quietly, wetting his lips. “Because I don’t want to.”

  I don’t want him to take me home, either. Not now, not when we’re alone finally. My house is only a few minutes away, and a few minutes aren’t enough, so I give him a small smile as I shake my head. “Take me for a drive.”

  He nods and turns the light back off, putting the car into reverse and craning his neck to look out of the back windshield as he backs out of the driveway. I sit in the passenger seat with my hands inside the front pouch of my hoodie and my full attention on Jaden while he heads out of Ponderosa Drive again, retracing the way we came from. I like watching him d
rive, especially in the dark. His face is shadowed and I stare at his hands on the wheel, at his tight knuckles, at the emboldened veins that disappear under the sleeves of his hoodie, and I sigh, shaking off the urge to touch him.

  “Are you ever going to take your dad’s boat out again?” I ask carefully. I would never, ever have brought up Jaden’s parents before, but on Sunday he told me that he likes talking about them, so I figure it’s okay to mention them, despite the fact that I find that hard to understand. In my family, mentioning Grace is unbearable. Maybe it’s because we have nothing to talk about. We only have a name, and even that is enough to send Mom cascading into tears and enough to silence Dad for the rest of the day. Maybe that’s why we’ve never been able to move forward: We haven’t confronted the past yet.

  Jaden looks at me, surprised that I’ve mentioned his dad, and then he turns back to the road. “I don’t think so,” he admits. “We own it, and I wanted to sell it, but Dani wants to keep it. I don’t know why. It’s just been sitting there, rotting away for the past year. The insurance ran out and neither of us has a permit to drive the damn thing.”

  “I don’t think you should sell it,” I tell him. “I think you should keep it. Your parents loved that boat, and I’m pretty sure they’d want you to use it.”

  “I know.” The streetlight briefly sets his face aglow, and I see that, for the first time, he looks sad. He props his elbow up against the door and rests his head on his palm, absentmindedly playing with his hair as he drives. “Do you remember when they took us out on it last summer?”

  “Yeah.” I stare out of the windshield at the dark, near-empty streets of Windsor. “That was pretty fun. It was my first ever time on a boat.” Growing up in Colorado, it’s slightly insane that I’d never gone boating until then.

  “They really liked you,” Jaden murmurs quietly, and my gaze finds its way back to him again. He’s staring rather blankly at the road ahead as we turn onto Main Street, a small, sad smile on his face, lost in thought. We have to stop at the traffic lights right outside of the 7-Eleven where we bumped into each other a few weeks ago. Jaden chuckles and nods towards it. “I bet they’d be real pleased that we spoke that night. I think they’d be happy we’re together right now—though Mom would probably tell me to keep both hands on the wheel.” Rolling his eyes, he takes his arm down from the door and places his hand back onto the steering wheel. Waiting for a green light, he stares down at his hands and brushes his thumb against the wheel in soft strokes. I watch in comfortable silence, wondering if he’s thinking about them. I know that he is.

  The lights switch and Jaden takes the right exit off Main Street, heading northbound. “So why were you really buying that booze?” he asks. He says it playfully so I think he’s trying to lighten the mood, clearly unaware that the subject matter is just as dark. “I once successfully bought beer, so I swear I’m not judging you. Although posing as your mom is an interesting method to use . . . ”

  Clearly, my excuse at the time didn’t convince him. I groan and press my hands to my face, partly wanting to avoid the discussion and partly out of my total embarrassment.

  “Don’t worry about it,” he says, sensing my discomfort, and I flinch when he gently wraps his hand around my wrist and moves my hand away from my face so that he can look at me. He glances quickly between the road and me, trying to pay attention to both, and with his warm fingers still wrapped loosely around my wrist, he grins and teases, “Aren’t you glad I was the one to witness it and not anyone else?”

  I just nod quickly at him. I am very aware of his skin against mine and the fact that he isn’t letting go. I adore the feeling of Jaden’s touch after so long, and I love the sense of comfort and anticipation that comes with it. “I’m actually glad you were there,” I murmur after a while, “because otherwise we might not be talking right now.”

  “And what a shame that would be,” Jaden agrees. He lets go, his fingers disappearing from my wrist, and moves his hand back to the wheel as he takes a turn. Suddenly, I know where we’re going.

  At the end of the street is a small parking lot, and behind it, Windsor’s prime attraction: Windsor Lake. It is the hallmark image of this town, something that we all love. It’s absolutely huge, and it’s surrounded by a trail that loops around the entire perimeter. People come here for walking or biking, and there is nothing better than the view of the Rockies in the distant background. In the winter you can even see the snow on the caps. It’s always busy in the summer, with kids playing on the small beach and people swimming, kayaking, fishing. When I was little, my parents used to take me to the lake a lot. Dad would swim with me in the water while Mom anxiously watched from the sand in panic, even though it wasn’t that deep. I used to hang out a lot with Holden and Will here too, though not so much anymore. We used to ride our bikes around the lake when we were twelve. And, of course, I still remember the long walk Jaden and I took last summer, back before everything changed, when the sun was setting over in the horizon as we walked hand in hand, talking about anything and everything. Every time I come back here it reminds me that Windsor isn’t all that bad.

  Right now, however, it’s late and it’s cold. Jaden pulls into a parking bay in the empty lot, facing out over the shoreline. At this time of night it’s just a huge, dark pool of water and the only thing to see is the moonlight glinting off the still surface. We can imagine the view in front of us, because everyone who grew up in Windsor has it ingrained in their minds. It feels nice to be here, knowing there’s so much right in front of us that we can’t see. Peaceful, somehow. Windsor Lake always has been.

  Jaden shuts the engine off, and we become part of the silence. I feel almost afraid to breathe. Jaden leans forward and rests his chin on his crossed arms, staring blankly out of the windshield at the darkness in front of us, watching the gentle ripples of water roll around, lit up by the moonlight.

  “I come here a lot,” he tells me quietly, his soft voice cutting through the silence. “Mostly at night, because I prefer it when it’s empty. I sometimes just park up right here, or I’ll go for a walk around the trail.”

  “To think?

  “No,” he says, then inhales deeply, holds it for a seconds, and releases it again. His eyes reflect the dark water. “Sometimes I think too much and my head feels like it might explode, so when that happens, I come here not to think. To just focus on something else, to clear my head.”

  For as long as I’ve known Jaden, my favorite thing about him has always been how honest and open he is with me. That, and his adorable little birthmark. I’ve always taken comfort in the fact that he trusted me enough to share things with me and it’s reassuring to know that he still trusts me now, even after all that I’ve done. He can’t say the same for me, though. There are a lot of things I’ve kept from him, things that hold me back from telling him that sometimes I think too much too, that sometimes I wonder if Mom will ever laugh the way she used to, that sometimes I wish I had the answers as to why I never got to meet Grace.

  “I know exactly what you mean,” I whisper, my voice barely audible. Releasing my seatbelt, I cross my legs on the seat and pick at the material of my jeans, staring blankly down at my hands. I swallow hard and glance back up at him, my voice shaky as I ask, “What do you do when you miss them, Jaden? Your parents?”

  Slowly, Jaden sits back from the steering wheel, pulling one knee up onto the edge of the seat as he looks at me. “I think about the time Dad accidentally hurled a football at my face in the back yard,” he begins, rolling his eyes, “and I think about the time Mom once accidentally food-poisoned us all. And it makes me laugh, because I’m so lucky that those crazy fools were mine.” He shakes his head as he reflects on this, smiling to himself. My heart is breaking in my chest as I listen to him, unable to understand how he can possibly be smiling right now. “But most of the time,” he says, smile faltering, “I try to think of everything they taught me and everything I’ve learned since.”

  “And what’s that
?” I urge, my voice cracking. Hearing him talk about this is almost unbearable, but I need to hear it. I need to understand him, and I need him to help me understand myself.

  Jaden must see the heartache in my eyes, because he leans across the center console and takes my hand in his, interlocking our fingers the same way he did on Sunday. He squeezes his hand tightly around mine and gives me a reassuring smile and a nod to let me know that everything is okay before he answers my question. “They taught me to be a good person,” he says, “and to believe in myself, and to work hard to get to where I want to be, and to look out for Dani, and that it’s okay to mess up along the way because they were always there to forgive us.”

  With his free hand, he reaches for the pocket of my hoodie and gently pulls me closer. There are only a few inches separating us as we hover over the center console, his gorgeous blue eyes piercing mine, overflowing with an emotion that I can’t quite decipher. Delicately, he moves his cheek to mine, his lips by my ear. “But most importantly,” he murmurs, and my entire body shivers from the breathy huskiness of his voice, “all of this has taught me not to waste time, because there might not be time. It’s taught me that if I want to do something, then I need to do it right now.” His breath is warm against my cheek, and his lips brush my skin as he lightly trails his mouth along my jawline. “Exactly like this,” he breathes, and then presses his lips to mine.

  It’s been a long time since I last kissed Jaden, so it feels like the first time all over again, soft and gentle, slow and long. My eyes are closed, my entire body shivering beneath his touch, until I gradually relax into it, losing myself in the movement of his mouth against mine. Our hands are still interlocked, and his other finds its way to the back of my neck, his fingers weaving into my hair. Slowly, he leans back, tearing his lips away for a split second. Our eyes flicker open at the exact same time, and he’s so close that I can see the detail in his glossy eyes, his lips parted right before mine.