by Lynn, K. I.
I wasn’t entirely sure how I got home. The whole drive back to Chicago I felt numb. My brain didn’t get on board until the next day when I sat at my desk with my view of Lake Michigan. The sun streamed in, and the beach was studded with bodies enjoying the warm weather. They were seemingly carefree, having a day off with no worries.
There was nothing but turmoil inside me.
I’d lost her.
Each minute away from Natasha burned in ways I’d never experienced before. Weighted down with responsibilities, I’d been choosing the wrong ones to focus on.
It hadn’t been twenty-four hours since I left her, but I’d never had a black cloud of this magnitude take up residence in my chest. Not even after my divorce, after finding out Desiree had been cheating on me, did I feel the depth of despair that weighed me down now.
I was determined to make good on my promise, but my normal problem-solving mind had left for vacation and was unavailable to help me figure out what to do.
There was a knock on my door, and I didn’t even have a chance to say anything before Michael stepped in.
“Richard, what the hell is going on? You disappeared for days and now you’re sitting here, staring out the window.” Michael was the president, and was right to be concerned about my recent behavior.
“My girlfriend was taken to the hospital.”
Michael blinked at me, his eyes wide. “Girlfriend?”
The fact that only my assistant even knew about Natasha was a telltale sign of my many mistakes.
“She fainted, but she and the baby are okay.”
“Baby?” The surprise and shock on his face were noticeable.
I looked up at him. “I need to make some changes.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you had a girlfriend?” he asked. “Let alone a baby on the way.”
That was the million-dollar question.
“I don’t know. I went on. Business as usual, counting down the days of the week until I could see her again.” I shook my head, not believing the mess I’d made. “They were stolen moments in time heading toward an expiration date.”
“What are you talking about?” he asked.
“Any relationship with me is just a ticking time bomb, but I thought maybe if I could just keep it together until the baby was born, maybe she wouldn’t see my faults. That was stupid. Natasha sees me as nobody else ever has or ever will. Now I’ve fucked it all up. She got hurt, and when I tried to show her I was there, show her I care, that I wanted her in my life and to take care of her, she called me out again.”
There was no hiding from her, but somehow all my insecurities and doubts disappeared when I was with her. I wanted her in my life. I couldn’t imagine not waking up every day with her and our daughter.
“I need to move to Indianapolis.”
One of Michael’s eyebrows shot up. I’d simply spit the words, but as soon as they were out, I knew they were the right ones. The ones that would get me closer to Natasha.
“Can the VP position be moved?” I asked.
He shook his head. “It can’t. I’m sorry, it’s just not a possibility. I need you here.”
Well, that just made my decision easier.
After my fall and subsequent hospital stay, I was directed to take the rest of the week off. It was torture the first day after Richard left. There was nothing to do but wallow in my grief. No matter what declarations he made or the love I had for him, I had to let him go.
That knowledge, that it was for the well-being of me and our baby, didn’t make it any easier. The acknowledgment that he was the biggest stressor in my life and that stress was causing physical problems with my pregnancy was the hardest truth I’d ever had to face.
What ifs floated through my mind. Would his avoidance have been the same if I’d lived in Chicago? Would he have gone to appointments, or would work have sucked him in all the same?
Jenna came over that night and held me as I sobbed. Just her being there meant the world to me.
She also unblocked his number from my phone.
On Wednesday I felt steady enough to get up, to get my mind something to think about other than Richard. I continued on with the packing, making sure to not overdo it and go slow. For five years I’d lived in the same one-bedroom apartment. It was my first home, and it would be hard to leave it.
I wouldn’t miss my neighbors, though. Except Jenna. Her lease was up in September, and her plan was still to buy a condo in the same neighborhood. However, I had a feeling when she moved it would be into Brent’s house.
I was so happy for her, but at that moment, I was also a little jealous. Why did I have to fall for a man who was so emotionally stunted?
That wasn’t even it. He freely gave affection and showed he cared in so many ways, but when it came to the deeper ones, he couldn’t.
I miss you—Richard, came in that afternoon when I was boxing up all the clothes I couldn’t fit into anymore.
I stared down at it, my chest clenching. Did I respond? Or ignore? He asked me to reply to his texts, but it was a statement. Yes, I wanted to tell him I missed him, too, but the flip in my stomach reminded me why I shouldn’t. If I gave in, nothing would change.
By Friday I’d used all the boxes Carson brought over. It was a little premature, seeing as I hadn’t even completed the purchase, but at least I was mostly ready.
Twenty-three weeks down…
I got sucked into binging an Annex original love story after gorging myself on chips and salsa. It was a stupid move, because I was sobbing halfway through.
“Love sucks,” I said with a groan as I tossed another tissue into the wastebasket. The baby flipped in my stomach, and I ran my hand across my ever-growing bump. “I’m sorry, baby.” My bottom lip quivered and tears filled my eyes, my hand never stopping its path up and down.
For a brief moment after waking to find Richard beside me I had hope that things would change, but it was fleeting. He was untrustworthy with my heart, but I had given it to him with ease. I fell hard and fast, and the brakes were out.
I hadn’t heard from him since the text telling me he missed me. For all his declarations, I was certain work had sucked him right back in.
It was after five when my doorbell went off, which confused me. Jenna usually walked right in.
I swung the door open and stared up at the hulk of a man standing in my doorway, my jaw slack.
“Natasha?” he asked in a deep, reverberating tone.
“Me?” I shook my head. “I mean, yes?” I was confused as to who he was and why he was at my door.
“Hey, Nat,” Keenan said with a wave from behind the broad shoulders blocking my doorway.
The stranger stepped back, exposing Keenan as he stepped closer. My stomach flipped at the sight of him. If he was standing in front of me, Richard had to be close.
I wrapped my cardigan around me as my brow furrowed. “What’s going on?”
“I really need you to come with me.”
“Why? Is everything okay?” The atmosphere didn’t project fear or worry, so I was confused as to why Keenan was at my door.
“Will you trust me?” he asked as he held out his hand.
While Keenan had never given me any reason not to trust him, there was also the fact that he was Richard’s best friend, and I wasn’t so much in the trusting mood with him.
I glanced behind him, at the longer looking Mercedes taking over the two spots next to my car.
My anxiety kicked up. That car would take me to Richard, I knew it would. Did I want to see him? Could I handle it?
I glanced down. Had I showered? Yes. My hair was a mess, I was in yoga pants and a T-shirt that stretched greatly around my stomach, which only served as a reminder that I needed some maternity shirts.
My swollen little piggies were the only thing not covered.
“Let me get some shoes,” I said before retreating into my bedroom. It was warm out, so I shed my cardigan and slipped on some flip flops. I couldn’t help but gi
ve myself a cursory once over in the mirror. I looked terrible, my left eye a colorful array of purples and yellows, but there was nothing that could be done. At least most of the swelling around my eye was gone. It was still a little swollen, but most of the puffiness was in the area surrounding my stitches at my brow bone.
I freshened up my ponytail, grabbed my purse, and headed out. Keenan took my arm, making sure I was steady going down the steps, and the driver held open the door for me to slide in.
The extra length I’d seen was in the back seat, giving plenty of room for even the longest of legs. Plush leather, exquisite stitching, and I could swear it had a leg rest that folded out.
We weren’t even out of the neighborhood when he spoke. “I wanted to talk to you.”
“Okay.”
“I heard what happened with Rick.”
I pursed my lips and looked down at my hands. “Why are you here?”
“Because you need to know I’ve never seen him as happy as he is with you. He’s fucked things up, in only the way Rick can.”
“What does that mean?”
He blew out a breath. “Rick’s divorce fucked him up in ways I don’t think he ever understood. Then you came along and turned everything he ever knew upside down. You were it. The girl.”
“I thought that, too.”
“You are, though.” He turned in his seat, his eyes beseeching me. “It was like lightning when you two came together.”
His description wasn’t wrong. That was what it felt like when we met—lightning.
“With my divorce, I dealt with my feelings. I processed them and came to terms with them, but that was never something he did. Rick shut them off. Buried them like you’d bury a well, and kept them locked up there until the second his eyes met yours.”
It made sense, as much as I didn’t want to believe it. It happened one day, like a switch was thrown. That was when things began to fall apart.
“What does it matter now? Even if he finally admits he loves me, it doesn’t change anything. He’s still married to his job, devoted to it and only it, not me.” My voice trailed off and I swallowed back a hitch that was threatening to turn into another sob.
He reached out and gave my hand a squeeze. “You woke him up to his stupidity. It’s hard to change, to let go of baggage you’ve carried around for years. He got comfortable, but I can tell you he’s way out of that comfort zone now.”
“What does that mean?” I asked.
The car slowed down, and I scanned the street. We were in a neighborhood, sitting in front of a large modern colonial. There was a for sale sign in the yard.
My brow scrunched as I looked at the home. “What’s this?”
“Just keep an open mind,” Keenan said as the driver exited the car.
He held the door open and took my hand, helping me from the car. Keenan came around and took my arm again. I didn’t exactly like the coddling feeling, but after my fall, I wasn’t going to turn it down.
As we walked up the sidewalk that led to the front door, Richard emerged. He was wearing jeans and a T-shirt, his hands stuffed in his pockets.
I stopped ten feet from him.
Keenan gave him a nod, which Richard returned.
“Thanks, man,” Richard said.
“Good luck!” Keenan said before leaning down and giving me a kiss on the cheek, then headed back to the car.
I crossed my arms in front of me to keep myself in place, to keep from running into his arms. I missed him so much, but I wasn’t going to just cave. “What is all this?”
Richard tilted his head toward the house. “Come take a look.”
“At what?”
“Just come look.” He held out his hand, but I ignored it, instead climbing the steps and walking right past him.
I wanted to know what this was all about, and I didn’t want to get my hopes up that it was something good. If it meant I had to be cold, I had to be, even though all I wanted was his arms wrapped around me.
My tightly clenched jaw relaxed, my lips parted as I walked into the two-story entry. Hardwood floors flowed seamlessly from one room to the next. To the right was an office, to the left a formal dining room.
Transom windows hung over every entry, and nine-foot ceilings gave it an open feel.
I stepped forward and stopped when I got to the entrance of the kitchen. It was beautiful. Ideal in its décor and finishes. White cabinets with a grey granite counter, large island with beautiful pendant lights, double oven, gas stove, and a walk-in pantry.
There was a kitchen table with lots of room for daily meals. I could envision sitting at it while we helped children with homework.
I shook my head and looked toward the family room. “Oh, come on,” I whispered. Another ideal room. The ceilings were coffered, and there was a gas burning fireplace with built-ins on either side. On one wall were two sets of French doors.
I knew he was steps behind me, observing me, but I was transfixed by everything, especially the large screened-in porch I was walking out to. It was the perfect entertaining size, complete with a wood-burning fireplace, and overlooked a large fenced backyard with a swimming pool and a small lake just beyond, lined on the far side with trees.
There was a fully finished walk-out basement with eight-foot ceilings, complete with a wet bar, movie room, home gym, game room, and full bathroom.
As we looked around at the home, the memories of long-ago conversations filtered in.
The master bedroom was the perfect size with a tray ceiling and bay window. There was a large bathroom with a steam shower and jetted tub. The closet was an entire other room and big enough to have a chest of drawers in the center, creating a table with drawers.
There were four more bedrooms, each one grand in size with the same tray ceilings. The smallest one was about the size of my current bedroom.
“What do you think?” Richard asked when we returned to the main floor.
I gobbled up all the sights, filing away the features for my dream home. “It’s absolutely beautiful, but I still don’t understand why I’m here.”
“This could be our home.”
My head snapped in his direction, my eyes wide as my heart flipped in my chest. I heard him wrong, I had to have. “What?”
He stepped closer, his eyes on mine as he reached for my hand. “If you love it, this could be our home. It’s as close as I can come to giving you your dream home, but I want to share the dream with you.”
My dream home?
He had been listening. At a time when the space between us was growing daily, it was an innocuous conversation I didn’t think he’d really paid attention to. Standing in a place that felt like home, that had all the features on my dream list, I found out he had. To every last detail, he had.
“I’ve experienced how love can turn on you. How it can break your life apart. By the time I was your age, I’d already had my dreams of a football career decimated, and then was married and divorced.”
“These are all things I know.”
“What you have to understand is how those things shaped our relationship.” His jaw tightened and he stepped closer until there were only a few inches separating us. “The deeper things got, the more I cared about you, the more fear crept in. Subconsciously I began pulling away, putting up walls to protect myself and the life I’d built.”
I swallowed and nodded. “And oh, how your life was going to change.”
“It’s not uncommon. I had this wonderful night with you, and the next time I see you it’s ‘oh, hey, Richard. Guess what? You’re going to be a dad!’ and at the time I took it in stride. But my mind betrayed me. It sat back there and though I knew the reality of things. I kept doing what I do best—looking for the logistics. How was it going to work? Where would we live? My condo isn’t equipped for a baby.”
Once again, his thought process was focused on him. “Not winning any points here.”
“In a perfect world, nothing would stop me from being with you. Bu
t I’m not perfect. I told you that the first night. Something inside me is broken, and I know you’re the only one that can fix it.”
Tears filled my eyes and I willed them away. “This better not be your apology, because it doesn’t work.”
He shook his head and took my other hand in his, bringing them together between his. “No. You were right. I was being selfish and asking too much of you, blaming it on my career. So I changed my path.”
I blinked at him, at the smile on his face. Time seemed to stop as I attempted to process the meaning. “You what?”
“Michael told me I couldn’t move the position, because we work hand in hand, so I gave it up,” he said, his gaze never leaving mine. My heart pounded in my chest as I listened. “As of yesterday, I am no longer an employee of Annex, but am now owner of Bennett Sports Advisors. As of yesterday, my condo is for sale, and as of today I’m looking for a house to raise our family in Indianapolis.”
My brow scrunched as tears filled my eyes. I grabbed onto his collar. “That isn’t what I wanted, Richard.” I just wanted to be loved and respected. I didn’t want to completely upend his life. It wasn’t my intent for him to leave his job and move to Indianapolis.
He cupped my face, bringing my eyes back to his. “But it’s what I want. Being married to my job only caused me to be unhappy. It was all I did, all I thought about, because it was also my escape. An escape I used too much and too often. I want my time to be with you. I want to be married to you.”
My heart skipped and the baby did a backflip. “W-what?”
He leaned down, his forehead resting against mine. “I’m in love with you, Natasha. I was just too scared to say it, and that fear led me to wrecking the happiest time of my life. You’re the air I breathe, the blood in my veins. I’m yours. Totally and completely.”
My gaze flitted between his eyes, and I saw nothing but absolute truth. He was willing to give up everything, to start over, in order to be with me. A clean break from all the memories that dragged him down on a daily basis.
I believed every word. How could I not?
He loved me, and he proved it with actions and not just the words he was finally able to say.
