“Look, I don’t particularly want to go, and I certainly don’t want to use your name and talk about all our private stuff like Ramona expects me to. But I’m going to have to tell her something.”
Xander takes his cell from him. “You can tell her that you’re not her dancing monkey.” He taps through to received calls and redials, holding it up to Ben’s ear.
The shriek from the phone, “What do you mean you can’t go?” is clearly audible in the wider room, but Xander doesn’t smile about it. He looks deadly serious, staring Ben straight in the eyes.
“I just can’t, not tonight, I’m busy with Xander.”
“You can spend a few hours away from—”
“No, I can’t!” Ben yells, and is amazed at himself. Xander’s expression mirrors his. “I can’t. I’m sorry, not tonight. Ramona, I’m on freaking vacation, so stop setting me up with all this promotion stuff! I’ll call you when I get back in town, but till then, please just leave me alone.” Xander hangs up the phone for him. “Wow. I feel liberated.”
“That was…unexpected,” Xander says.
Ben felt a high for a moment, but now he realizes he’s just shouted at someone who, despite what he might think from time to time, has his career’s best interest at heart. “What are you talking about? I lost my temper and yelled. That’s like my standard or something. Or it was.”
“Well, sure. But I’ve never seen you tell Ramona to step off like that before. Yelling isn’t great, no. But…” Xander still looks like he wants to say, Good job! but can’t condone raised voices. “Maybe next time you’ll be able to do it without losing your cool.”
“Yeah,” Ben says. “That yoga’s working so well. Can I have some more ass cream now?”
Xander looks taken aback. “Do you mean…”
“I mean for the marks, you sex-crazed…Jeez. For the welts and bruises?”
“Oh! Okay. Sure.” Xander leaves the room to fetch supplies.
While he waits, Ben thinks things over. Xander has never before been so openly opposed to Ben using his name to get media coverage, rather than talking up Ben’s own achievements. He wonders if that’s something that might stick after the trial is over.
And he really does feel guilty about Ramona, although ringing in his head is that biblical quote of Xander’s: no man can serve two masters.
Chapter Nine
Later that night, Xander goes out to another premiere or party or after-party—Ben didn’t really listen when he explained—and Ben finally has some time alone. He thought Xander might make him stand at the wall again, but no. Ben actually feels a wave of gratitude towards Xander that he didn’t enforce more wall-standing, which he tries to ignore. Xander was right about one thing for sure—Ben has felt submerged over the last few days, eddying through invisible currents. And now he’s longing to get back to the surface, to breathe again.
Just having a few hours to himself makes a big difference. He reads, and watches a movie, and dares to put on boxer shorts because he’s tired of sitting on a towel. When his cell rings, he doesn’t recognize the number, but answers it anyway, in case it’s Xander calling on someone else’s phone.
“Yo, it’s Elijah, man. Xander gave me your number.”
“Oh! Hi there. What can I do for you?”
“Just wanted to check in, see how you’re rolling.”
“I’m rolling just fine,” Ben says with a smile. “You?”
“Fantastic as always. So listen, Dean and I were wondering if you have time to catch up before you leave. You can bring Eyebrows too, if you want, but it’s really you we wanna see.”
Ben hesitates, a little confused. “What did you want to do?”
“Whatever, you know? Lunch, or breakfast if we get up early enough, or come over to mine, have a beer. Relax a bit.”
“Um, sure,” Ben says, although he’s not entirely certain he wants to. “Is there something you wanted to talk about, or—?”
“Not really,” Elijah says, sounding puzzled. “But we know you’re leaving soon, so we wanted to pry you away from the X-man’s monopolizing hands for a while and hang out.”
“Oh. Okay. Sure. It’ll have to be tomorrow, though, because I leave the day after.”
They work out the details and then Elijah cheerfully says goodbye. Xander arrives home an hour later, buzzing from his party. Ben remembered to take off his boxers about ten minutes before Xander’s return, but Xander looks at his waist pointedly. Ben cringes. There are still elastic marks on his hips from the waistband.
“While the cat’s away, huh?” Xander says, but smiles. “We’ll pretend I didn’t see it.”
“Thank you,” Ben says automatically. “Xander, I need to ask you something.” He takes a breath. Xander looks wary. “Did you tell Elijah I’m a friendless wonder or something? Because he called up to ask me out to lunch tomorrow, with Dean. You can come too, he said, but it was like he wanted to see me, specifically.”
“Of course not, that’s just what he’s like. Friendly. He likes you.”
“Did he ever call up Adam and want to hang out?”
“Um. No one really seemed to get along with Adam.”
“I can’t imagine why.”
“Come on, don’t be a hater.” But Xander is grinning. “So, no. He never called up Adam or wanted to hang out with him. It’s good, though, right? You like Elijah and Dean?”
“Yeah, I like them.”
But Ben is still suspicious. It’s as though Elijah wants to make sure that things between Ben and Xander are okay, and that in itself makes Ben wonder if they are.
“I didn’t ask you first,” Ben says. “I didn’t know if I should. But I said we’d go.”
Xander looks conflicted, but says, “No. It’s fine. It’ll be fun to see them, and we’ll still have time together.”
Ben decides to put it out of his mind. “What are we doing tonight?”
“I’ll shower and then we can get started.”
Things start slowly enough. Still naked himself from the shower, Xander ties Ben’s wrists down to the bed with straps running under the mattress, keeping his arms spread tightly to each side, and blindfolds him. Ben feels Xander climb on top of him, and then fingertips sweeping lightly over his chest, so carefully that there’s no pain at all.
“Just fun tonight,” Xander says. “No ouch.” Ben relaxes. “What are you thinking?”
Ben sighs good-naturedly. “Still with the thoughts? I was thinking, I’m glad it’s not going to hurt, and I’m looking forward to it.”
There is silence for a while as Xander teases him with a slow hand job, and then he says, “What do you like about the thought of me choking you?”
Beneath his blindfold, Ben frowns. “I guess I like the trust involved. I like the thought that I’m giving up control over something as basic as breathing—giving that control to you.”
“Christ,” Xander whispers. “If we hadn’t talked earlier, Benjamin, I’d be worried about you.”
“It’s just a fantasy,” Ben says, almost defensive. “I know we’re not going to do it. You said it’s too dangerous.”
“It brings back a bad memory for me.” Xander falls quiet again, concentrates on Ben’s cock. In time, he says, “But I thought about it again, and there is another way. A little safer. If you really want to try it, we could, some time. Not today, but some time.” His tone is even, neutral, but Ben knows this is a big deal.
“You said it was a limit.”
“Choking is definitely a limit for me. It’s too easy to accidentally…I wouldn’t feel safe doing that. But this is different. I mean, it’s not harmless—”
“Nothing we do is harmless, Xander. There’s always a risk.” Ben thinks it over. “How is what you’re talking about different from choking me?”
“It’s like this,” Xander says, and Ben feels a hand lightly covering up his nose and mouth, removed immediately. “Nothing involving asphyxiation is safe, and it’s more dangerous than most stuff. If I make a mistak
e with the cane, it might end in a cut, or a broken bone, or maybe even a permanent nerve injury if I mess up completely. But if I strangle you, I might accidentally cut off your carotid arteries, or damage your trachea or the bones in your neck. Not to mention the fact that you wouldn’t be able to breathe. If I make a mistake with something like that, you could die.” He says it matter-of-factly, and Ben is grateful for that. “Do you understand?”
Ben swallows. “Yeah.”
“Using my hand like that over your nose and mouth isn’t quite as dangerous, but there could still be irreversible consequences. It’s still very risky. Anything involving breathplay is risky.”
“But you’re willing to do it?”
“If you want me to, I will do it for you. But not yet, not during this trial, when I’m worried about my control issues. I want to be completely sure that I’m in control of myself. That might take a while, until I’m satisfied. And besides, I’d have to refresh my memory.”
“What do you mean?”
“Study up.” Ben can hear Xander’s smile. “You’re not the only one who researches, Benjamin. But anyway, we have time, we can wait. There’s no hurry.”
“Why are you talking about this now?” Ben asks, curious.
“Because I want you to think it over and be really sure you want it; that it’s worth the risk.”
“But normally you don’t ask. You just do it. You just—take.” Xander stays silent for a long pause, and Ben starts to think he’s said the wrong thing. “I didn’t mean that in a bad way, I meant—”
“I know what you meant. The thing is, I don’t think just taking from you is fair. It’s imbalanced. We don’t negotiate much, and I think maybe we need to change that. Maybe you should know more before we go into things, and maybe I should stop taking it for granted that you’ll just do whatever I want. It’s not fair.”
“You’re never fair, Xander,” Ben reminds him with a grin. “But okay. If you think it’ll help, we can negotiate more. And I’ll think about the breath play.”
“Thank you.”
“Can we get on with the fun now?”
“We can.” And Ben feels something cool and liquid drizzling all over his cock. Xander spreads it with his hand, slides his own dick up against Ben’s, and Ben bucks up reflexively. “This isn’t going to work if you move, Benjamin. I want you to stay still. No moving at all—no matter what happens. Understand?”
“Yes.” He feels Xander rise up on his knees and move forward a little. A hand around his cock again, holding it upright and steady. And then—”Xander.” Ben feels the head of his dick enclosed in tight, warm flesh and the urge to drive his hips up is almost overpowering.
And then Xander makes a choked-off noise of pain and concentration, and it’s unbearable, Ben has to move—
“Don’t you dare,” Xander says immediately. “Just lie still for me, or I’ll stop right now.”
“Please don’t ever stop this,” Ben gasps, and Xander laughs, pushes down slowly but inexorably, his breath shallow, until Ben can feel his cock is fully buried inside Xander.
“Is this a reward?” he asks.
“It’s something fun.”
“Does it hurt?”
“A bit, but I prepped in the shower. Can you please stop asking questions now? Just while we’re doing this?”
Ben starts giggling, delighted, half-drunk on the sensation of actually being inside someone again after so long. “Sure, Xander, whatever you want, no more questions.” And then, “I wish I could see you.”
“Just concentrate on what you can feel. Does it feel good?”
“It feels like heaven.”
“In all my time at church, I never heard heaven described as an ass-fucking.”
Ben is laughing so much that he’s finding it hard to stay still. “Xander—please—”
“Yes, I’m going to, I’m just waiting for you to stop chortling at me.”
Ben bites at his lip and tries to calm down. “Okay,” he says at last. “I stopped.”
Xander bends over him, and Ben thinks it must be some yoga-enhanced angle, because while his mouth is full of Xander’s tongue, Xander is sliding up again slowly, too slowly for Ben, but he wouldn’t move now even if the paparazzi burst in through the door and started photographing them from every angle. “Bring your legs up,” Xander says, his voice tight, and Ben bends them obligingly. The new angle drags a noise of approval out of Xander that Ben has never heard before.
Xander stays at the same maddening, unhurried pace until he finds his rhythm and Ben, his forehead tingling and his balls aching, starts begging.
“Oh, I like that,” Xander says, his voice husky. “Yeah. Beg me. Ask me to shoot all over you.”
Only Xander, Ben thinks, could sound so completely in control with a cock inside him. Ben begs, pleads, bargains, yanks his wrists against the bonds in frustration, but keeps his own hips perfectly still. The last thing he wants is Xander pulling off of him. It’s addictive; he’s hooked. “Please tell me you’ll let me do this again,” he moans, and Xander laughs, breathless.
“You’re not even finished yet and you already want more? Greed is a sin, Benjamin. You don’t get to heaven that way.” But Xander’s voice is unsteady, and Ben knows he’s close.
“Xander, please.”
“Okay. Come on. I want your cum in me,” Xander says, and Ben feels muscles contract around his dick, fingers twisting his nipples to just the right amount of sting, and he can’t help it—he drives up into Xander and makes a choking noise, panting for air as he shoots.
Xander makes him stay still, softening up, and Ben tries to memorize each new sensation, every inch of Xander inside, while Xander jerks off. When he comes, Xander dives down to bite at Ben’s shoulder. But it’s gentle, Ben thinks, as much as a bite can be. Just a reminder.
And most of all, it’s just fun.
“Lunch with the guys tomorrow—I might not be able to come after all,” Xander murmurs in Ben’s ear, after they’re all cleaned up and he’s wrapped around Ben in bed. “I think I’ve double-booked.”
“That’s okay.” Ben is feeling more relaxed about lunch with Elijah and Dean. Hell, he’s feeling more relaxed about everything, ever.
“Don’t let them tell you stories about me. They’re all lies, by the way, if they do.”
Ben snorts.
They lie silent for a few minutes, and then Xander asks, “What are you thinking now?”
“I’m thinking I hope you give me some room in the damn bed tonight.”
“No, you’re not,” Xander says crossly. “What are you really thinking?”
“That I hope I can do that again. That I have never been so happy to fuck someone in my entire life. That you’re going to be sore tomorrow. That it was fun. That I love you. That I don’t want to leave, but it’s okay, because we’ll see each other again soon. That Elijah is a really nice guy, and so is Dean, and I wanna get to know them better. That things are good between us. That I need to call Ramona and apologize. That you’re lying on my arm and it’s going to sleep.”
“Sorry.” Xander shifts. “That’s a lot of things to be thinking. A lot of…bits.”
“Yeah. I’m deep like that.”
Xander crams his nose between Ben’s neck and the pillow and sighs, content. “Deep like the ocean.”
Chapter Ten
I’m leaving tomorrow, Xander, and I wonder if you’ve really thought about the drop.
I’m leaving tomorrow. It’ll be a while before we can play again.
Tomorrow, I’m leaving. The flight is too early and I’m going to make you stay here rather than see me off. And don’t argue. You have that party tonight, anyway. You’ll be tired.
(You sure like your parties, Xander. If I went out that much, it would make me want to kill other people.)
I’m leaving tomorrow, but we’ll be okay.
“You’re leaving tomorrow,” Xander says mournfully. Ben has come back to bed an hour after waking too early, and writ
ing in his journal to pass the time. He was reluctant to stir Xander, who often sleeps poorly, but for once looked practically comatose.
“Yeah. It sucks.”
“It does. I wish you could stay.”
“Me, too.”
“If I asked you to stay, would—”
“Xander, I think it’s better if we just don’t go there.” Ben doesn’t trust himself. “It is what it is. We’ll see each other again soon. And we still have today, so let’s forget about tomorrow.”
Xander loudly sighs and yawns in a showy exhibition of his displeasure and resignation. “What about tonight? Will you come out with me?”
Ben thinks it over. He already has to go to lunch with Elijah and Dean. Yet another industry event might just kill him. “I’d prefer not to, if that’s alright. I need some time alone. I need to recharge.”
“But it’s your last night! And coming out with me is the perfect way to recharge!”
Ben is glad that Xander can’t see the horror cross his face, pressed into the pillow. The thought of standing in a roomful of people tonight, making small talk, is his idea of hell. “I don’t recharge that way,” he says. “I need to be alone, away from other people.”
“Even from me?”
Ben smiles. “Is that what this is about?”
“Sometimes it feels like you want to get away from me.”
It’s not that he wants to escape, or that he doesn’t want to spend time with Xander—particularly now, when they’re both hyper-aware of the diminishing moments—but Ben also needs time to just be; time to himself and time to recover mentally. Xander has been so intense over the last few days that Ben has found himself needing it even more than usual.
“I don’t want to get away from anything,” he tells Xander. “And especially not you. But I need time for me.”
“Are you always like that? In relationships, I mean. Were you like that before?”
“Sure. My college girlfriend called it my man-cave time or something; I forget exactly. I think she read too much pop-psychology.” The memory amuses him, but Ben is surprised that Xander asked. He rarely mentions Ben’s past relationships. Ben has always wondered if it’s because he used to only date women; perhaps Xander feels like he can’t relate.
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