by S. L. Lim
‘Oh, not much. We just had a quick chitchat while I was waiting to have my eyes checked. She says she wishes you were here. She wanted to go to watch a film the other day, but her husband forbade her.’
‘Forbade her! And she listened?’ Hard to think of Shuying as she’d been at fourteen taking no for an answer. Anti-gravity girl, suspended at the apex of the high jump. ‘That’s unbelievable. That doesn’t sound like the Shuying I know.’
‘Yes, but she is different now. She’s been listening to podcasts, you know, evangelical types from the US. Wants to be a good wife – follow behind husband and all that. I tell you, some of these people have funny ideas. Shuying and her husband are very influenced. Her husband, especially – do you remember how stingy he was? Well, just the other day I heard that he sent five hundred dollars to help them build a new church – they are expanding in Singapore. Harvest in the City, some name like that.’
‘Wow. Five hundred dollars.’ Yannie tried to sound like she was bored, only pretending to be interested. ‘But you were saying, Jun, about Shuying’s husband. I hope that he’s been behaving himself. Not imposing all these funny new ideas. He did not strike me as a tyrant when I last saw him.’
‘Yes, but he has been under a lot of stress lately. There have been redundancies at his company. That was why he didn’t want her to go and see a film – too much money, he said. Well, I understand his thinking. Every year the cost of the ticket goes up, and they try and gouge you with the snacks. But if you try and bring your own food to the theatre, they stop you at the door.’ Jun seemed quite exercised. ‘It’s difficult these days. Every business wants to make a margin and a small margin is not enough.’
‘Yes, but it’s not even that expensive.’ To her surprise, Yannie found herself disproportionately, irrationally angry. ‘I’m much poorer than him, and even I can take Shuying to see a show. He’s just a cheapskate and a bully. Do you know, a ticket to the cinema costs twenty Aussie dollars over here in Sydney?’
‘Wah! You cannot be serious. Twenty Aussie dollars?’
‘That’s right! And my niece, Katherine, goes every week if she wants to. Even sometimes more.’ Even as she spoke, Yannie wondered why she was telling Jun all this, and whether she was trying to show off by association. She counted out a three-second pause before asking, ‘So, you were saying that Shuying asked a question about me?’
‘Oh, yes! Well, it’s strange. She said to me the other day, “I have been thinking about Yannie.” That wasn’t surprising, because the two of you were such good friends. But then she said, “I’ve been thinking about Yannie, and I want to ask for her forgiveness.”’
‘How very strange.’ Yannie closed her eyes, breathing hard. ‘Forgiveness for what?’
‘Yes, exactly! That’s just what I asked. Forgiveness for what? But she wouldn’t tell me what the reason was. She seemed quite distressed. In fact, if her husband wasn’t coming back to look after her soon, I would feel quite worried.’
‘I see.’
‘But then she told me not to worry. In fact, she laughed about it. So I am not worried anymore. We all have such moments!’ As if to demonstrate the point, Jun laughed himself. ‘But you still have not told me. When are you planning to come back, ah?’
‘Oh, Jun, I don’t know. It’s hard to tell – I’m having quite a nice time. My sister-in-law, Evelyn, she’s very kind. I miss Shuying a lot – and you, of course, and all of the food back home. But then I think, once I leave Australia, I may not have the opportunity to come back. Evelyn has arranged it all, my visa, she’s been paying for everything – that’s the only reason I can stay. The Aussie dollar is so strong now. I think, you know, that I must make the most of it while I can.’
On the screen Jun inclined his pixelated head. ‘Yannie, I understand. I’m glad you are having so much fun. Also, I am thinking of coming over to visit you in Sydney!’
‘Really?’ Yannie tried to sound like she was pleased, then realised she actually was. ‘Wow, Jun, that will be lovely. I’d like to see you. But what is the purpose for your trip?’
‘It’s because of my sister! She lives over there, and my niece is graduating soon – she has been studying dentistry. Can you believe it – to me she is just a child. I will come for the ceremony and then stay for a while, turn it into a longer trip. Maybe in October. If you are still around, you can be my tour guide. By that time, you will be like an expert!’
‘That will be nice. Make sure you send me your dates, so I can plan in advance the places I want take you.’ Yannie laughed. ‘From tourist to tour guide in only a few weeks. Fastest qualification process ever.’
‘Wonderful.’ Jun beamed at her. ‘Actually, I have already looked at my calendar. Are you free on the twenty-second of October? Four o’clock? I will meet you for coffee. I can come and pick you up at your brother’s house. Also, you should be ready, because I am preparing a surprise.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You’ll find out,’ Jun said coyly. ‘I have something up my sleeve.’
5
Do What You Love
Yannie woke to the sound of Evelyn and Kat’s voices. Through the bedroom wall they sounded so similar, it was hard to tell who was talking at any given time. She swung her feet off the bed and set them gingerly down on the carpet, as if testing an unknown surface. She pulled a jumper over her head and padded to the living room.
Evelyn was saying, ‘Well, it’s your choice, Kat. But I advise you to choose carefully. You must think very deeply. Don’t just dismiss all of your options because of some fixed plan you have.’
‘How many times do I have to tell you, Ma? I have thought about it – and I choose COFA. That’s what I want.’ Kat made a clicking sound with her tongue. ‘Like, why is this so hard to understand?’
Evelyn laughed. It was a purely physical sound, a rattle from her throat, rather than an expression of genuine amusement. ‘Oh, COFA. Well, on the plus side, there’s no risk that you’ll miss the cut-off score, is there? What do you need? Forty? Fifty?’ Seeing Yannie’s look of confusion, she added, ‘College of Fine Arts.’
‘It’s not all about the marks, Ma. Like, there are actually other things in life. Even you would notice if you just turned around and looked.’
‘Of course. Of course. But those other things in life come at a cost, as you well know. Anyway, have you even considered your alternatives? In spite of your laziness, you’re doing very well at school, even in maths. I spoke to Mr Hastings on the phone the other day. He said he thought you could get above ninety-eight point five for your ATAR, easily.’
‘That old dickface. Yeah, but he says that to every gullible parent, you know? I mean, who do you think pays the school fees? He’s just making it up.’
‘He wouldn’t do that. And Kat, don’t use that word, especially not to speak about Mr Hastings. He’s a very dedicated teacher. You have a brilliant mind, Kat. Don’t waste it.’
‘Yeah, well, maybe I don’t think that it’s a waste. Like, there are other things to do apart from eating and shitting and earning money. Like one of your perfect girls from your perfect little friends.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean people like Adeline, you know?’ Kat screwed up her face and put on a high voice that was nothing like Evelyn and yet exactly like Evelyn. ‘“Adeline scored one hundred per cent! Adeline topped her piano exam! Adeline is a very good student!” God, Mum, you sound like you want to marry her, you should hear yourself. Have you ever considered, maybe I think what she’s doing is a waste? Because, like, we totally need one million extra lawyers and accountants! Stupid people who were smart enough to get the marks, but not smart enough to work out what they actually want to do –’
‘Don’t use foul language, Kat. And don’t be disrespectful towards Adeline. She’s been very kind to you. She’s an excellent student.’
‘Exactly.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Ugh, haven’t you noticed? She’s real
ly boring. Like, parents like her, because she sucks up to you guys, but –’
‘Kat, I won’t listen to this. We need to talk about your studies. Yes, it’s easy to be idealistic when you’re young. But you need to think carefully about what you want for the future. As for your painting, plenty of people have a hobby in their spare time. Your Uncle Ah Keng took up calligraphy in his retirement. It helps them relax, it’s good for the brain and for your mood. If you made it a job, all of the fun would go out of it.’
‘Oh, the fun. Yeah, you’re all about the fun, aren’t you, Mum?’
‘What do you mean?’ ‘Oh, just that it’s totally a thing you care about. You’re always, like, worrying about whether I have enough fun. When have you ever mentioned that before? Anyway, maybe I have stuff that I want to achieve in life apart from fun.’
‘Please don’t raise your voice at me, Kat.’
‘Oh yeah? Oh yeah? How else am I supposed to talk? I’m trying to speak to you like a normal person, but when I do, you just don’t hear me, you pretend you haven’t heard, you’re not even listening. I have to yell just to get you to acknowledge that I exist.’
‘What’s going on?’ Shan appeared in the doorway. He was wearing a bathrobe made out of the fabric Yannie had recently learned was terry. It made him look incongruously sleazy.
‘Don’t worry, darling, she’s in one of her moods again,’ Evelyn said. Rather ostentatiously, she got up from the sofa to plant a kiss on her husband’s cheek.
‘Oh, not that again.’ Shan, as if making an effort to be physically disgusting, picked his nose. ‘Is she going on and on about her painting? I’m getting sick of that old tune. Day in, day out. Can’t she talk about something else?’
‘Yes, that’s exactly what I told her. Anyway, she can make her own decisions. If she wants to starve, she can starve. It’s no concern of mine. Up to her, if she wants to throw away her future.’
‘Yeah, that’s right,’ Kat interjected. ‘Thanks, Mum, it’s up to me. Thank you for saying that. It’s what I’m always telling you. So will you leave me alone now?’
Shan rolled his thumb and forefinger together, sighed deeply. ‘There’s no need to talk about this now,’ he said, in what Yannie viewed as an uncharacteristically human fashion. ‘There’s more than a year until she even sits her exams.’
‘Of course, she’s an adult.’ Evelyn laughed nastily. ‘Yes, another two years and she’s eighteen. Legal to drive, legal to vote. Drink alcohol, go out with boys. She can fall pregnant, if she wants. Go on, do whatever you like. It’s no concern of mine.’
‘Thanks, Mum. Thanks for the suggestion. That’s just what I intend to do.’
‘Yes, yes, go ahead. Of course, once you’re an adult, you have to fend for yourself. Cook your own food. Clean your own room. Pay your own bills, your own internet. Lots of young people have to support themselves at your age. Work at KFC. Don’t just spend money, dawdle round the house, wear pretty clothes, and eat.’ Evelyn waved a hand in an imitation of airy condescension. ‘Come on, darling, I’ve had enough of speaking to this creature. Let’s go out for breakfast.’ She slipped her arm around Shan’s waist.
They were almost at the door when Kat said under her breath, ‘You bloody hypocrite.’
Evelyn stiffened. ‘What name did you just call me?’
‘I said you were a hypocrite.’ Kat’s voice was shaking slightly, but the volume was audible and her pronunciation clear. ‘The way you talk, the way you act like I have a choice. “It’s your decision, do what you want.” But whenever I try to make a decision of my own, you use your power to punish me.’
Evelyn threw her head back and laughed loudly. ‘Oh, now she discovers it’s not so easy! Punishment? No, I’m just treating you as an adult, the way that you asked. An adult with financial responsibilities. That’s what you want, isn’t it?’
‘For Christ’s sake, Mum. Can you hear yourself? Do you know the way you sound? Do you have to be so manipulative?’
‘Come on,’ said Shan, tugging Evelyn by the shoulder. ‘Leave her be. You know the way she is when she gets like this. We can sort this out later.’
‘No, we can sort it out now.’ Kat curled her lip. ‘You think I’m a spoilt brat, don’t you?’
‘And what gives you that impression?’
‘Because I heard you! You were on the phone with Auntie Brenda. You didn’t know I was there, but I heard what you said to her. Well, you’re just as spoilt as me.’
‘Katherine, I do not want to have this conversation now.’
‘Tough luck, we’re having it. You were the one who started it. So, you want me to study law, do you? What difference does it make?’
‘Kat, it may be hard for you to believe coming from me, since I’m only your mother, but I have your best interests at heart. I want you to have some financial security, to have the skills to achieve something useful with your life –’
‘To achieve something useful. Ha-ha-ha. What would you know about that?’
Evelyn went rigid. ‘You bitch. You bloody, bloody bitch.’
‘Well, look who’s talking.’
Evelyn began to hit Kat across the face. Her blows, though not particularly powerful, were numerous. Kat, as far as Yannie could see, made no attempt to shield herself. As her mother continued to strike her, she raised her arms in seeming bewilderment, then stumbled backwards, narrowly avoiding striking her head against the exposed brick wall.
Shan strode over to his wife and pulled her away. Kat kneeled on the floor, staring at her outstretched hands. Her nose was streaming with blood, but she did not appear to notice. After a moment, she wiped it on the back of her sleeve, a childish gesture.
Shan took Evelyn by the shoulders and manoeuvred her away towards the door. ‘Leave her alone, she isn’t worth it,’ he said. Evelyn leaned against his body, sobbing.
Kat knelt on the carpet, looking at her hands in wonder. Reaching round seemingly at random, she found a piece of paper and crumpled it into a ball. She made a hissing sound, more animal than human, and threw it at her mother’s feet.
Shan rounded on her. ‘What did you just do?’
Kat stared at him, lips formed into an O. For the first time, her expression registered real fear.
‘How dare you disrespect your mother like that? Do you know what she has done for you? How she worries for your future?’ He took a step towards her. Yannie shrank involuntarily backwards. ‘Do you know how she cries for you? Every breath she takes, she worries for your future!’
‘Oh, yeah?’ Kat began to cry. ‘Well, she’s got a funny way of showing it.’
‘Oh, bloody hell.’ Abruptly, Shan threw up his hands. ‘For God’s sake, I’m finished with all this. Work all day, and whining women at night. No peace inside my own home.’ He stamped off, the familiar heavy tread from Yannie’s childhood.
For a moment the three of them stared at each other. Then Evelyn took a step towards Kat, fingers outstretched, feeling the air as if to grasp it. A clump of hair had become matted against her face, with tears and mucus. ‘How dare you?’ she said. ‘Do you know how hard your father works? Twelve-hour, fifteen-hour days, that’s nothing to him. Some nights he doesn’t get more than three hours’ sleep. Do you know what this is doing to his body?’
Kat continued weeping.
‘Do you know your father has high blood pressure? He has to go on statins to control his cholesterol. I wake up in the middle of the night worrying that he will drop dead of a heart attack. Do you ever consider this? Even for one moment? Do you ever spend a second thinking about anything besides yourself?’
The blood was smeared across Kat’s face, making her look more badly injured than she actually was. She pressed a hand against her mouth.
‘Oh, you want to be an artist. Look down on your parents, do you? Your mother, just a boring housewife. Your father – what’s that word you like to use? – a corporate drone. If it wasn’t for him, you couldn’t have any of this. Clothes, music lessons, movie
s! Swimming, dancing, drama! Your own computer! None of it, none of this have you ever had to work for. Cry, why don’t you, cry! Your father is killing himself for your sake! Shame on you, cry! Crocodile tears!’
Kat made a gurgling noise and ran head down towards her room. Yannie, after a moment, followed. As she went she saw Evelyn left frozen in position by the couch, one arm still raised, as if arrested in the middle of a dance.
*
She found Kat hugging a pillow to her chest. ‘Hello,’ she said, closing the door behind her. She sat down on the bed. ‘It’s OK, it’s only me. Your mother isn’t coming. I’m sorry this has happened. I’m sorry, Kat.’
Kat cried. She sobbed as though her crying were a battle. At first she did this upright, pressing fistfuls of tissues to her nose; then she lay facedown, shoulders jerking as she sobbed into the sheets. Eventually, she sat up and looked into Yannie’s face. Her eyes were smeared with liner, her lips puffy. The blood was gone except for a small wet candle protruding from her left nostril. ‘They never listen. They talk and talk, and I don’t know what goes on. They just keep going at me, over and over, and I don’t want … ’ This set off a fresh wave of crying. Yannie patted her gingerly on the back, and Kat looked at her suspiciously. ‘You’re on their side, aren’t you?’
Yannie thought about it. ‘No, I’m not. I’m not at all, actually. What makes you think that?’
‘Because, I don’t know, you just would be?’ Kat sniffed hard and wetly, sucking mucus in. ‘Because you’re one of them. Plus, my dad is your brother. I just thought you’d see things the way he does, because that’s what you guys do.’
‘Hmm, well. I suppose I can see why you would think so. Still, you never know. Not all siblings are alike.’
‘Yeah, you seem pretty different from each other.’
Yannie looked at her sharply, trying to determine if there was a hidden meaning to that remark. But then Kat went into a series of small hiccups, induced by over-crying, and Yannie decided not to probe her further.
