by S. L. Lim
‘Then maybe my blood is thinner than an ordinary person’s.’
‘Ha-ha-ha!’ He laughed with his mouth open, and Yannie felt the strange mix of gratification and irritation she always did when she was with Jun, who was so easy to amuse, so very eager to please. ‘You have always been such a cynical girl! Haha! Just like Shan! But underneath, I can tell, you are really very soft. I have known you for a long time, that’s the reason. Ever since you were a child.’
‘You were a child then too,’
Yannie pointed out. ‘Yes, and it’s why we get on so well. We know everything about each other. And isn’t it wonderful to be back together, you, me and Shan?’
‘Not really, no.’
‘Ha-ha-ha! Like cats and dogs! After all this time!’ For a moment she saw herself through Jun’s rosy eyes, she and her brother – the ancient intimacies, the hilarious japes, and she thought, What would it take to dislodge this version of reality? ‘Well, there may be difficult times; still, at least now you are having a wonderful holiday. All together as a family. We must be grateful for these times, you know – we must enjoy our time together while it lasts.’
‘Yes, Jun, I suppose you’re right. But now you must tell me about your holiday in Sydney. What are you planning to do now you are here?’
‘Oh, many things! I was thinking of visiting the aquarium on Friday. If you like, we can go together. I have one ticket spare, from my niece. I’ve heard it’s very good.’
‘That’s very kind of you. I’ve already been to the aquarium, though.’ It was true, Evelyn had taken her. ‘Maybe you can go with your brother-in-law instead.’
‘Never mind! Never mind!’ Jun was speaking very fast. ‘Perhaps, as an alternative, we can go to the zoo? Or, if you are busy during the day, we can meet and see a show on Friday evening?’
‘I might be with Evelyn –’
‘Or Saturday! Sunday! Any time at all, I am very free!’ Jun picked up a serviette, wiping some sweat from the side of his brow. ‘I am looking forward to it, I’m excited! I would like to see what films are like in Australia.’
She looked at him strangely. ‘Jun, haven’t you heard of Hollywood? The films here are exactly the same as the films back home. All of the American shows, only for twice the price!’
‘Don’t be silly! Don’t be silly!’ Jun let off a loud, uncomfortably high-pitched burst of laughter. ‘I will pay for you, of course. My treat.’
‘Of course not, Jun. I won’t let you do that.’ He looked so crushed she added quickly, ‘But maybe we can meet up some other time. Maybe, um, next Tuesday evening.’
‘Absolutely! Absolutely! I am very, very free. Just let me know the time.’
Yannie felt her suspicions mounting. ‘Jun …’ She searched for a tactful way to put it. ‘Why did you even come here?’
‘What do you mean, why am I here?’ Jun beamed at her. ‘To see you, of course!’
‘Yes, I know that. But why did you come to see me? Why did you go out of your way to find my brother’s house?’
‘Well, it’s no big event. I was passing by on my way back to my sister’s place. I just thought I would drop by.’
‘No, that doesn’t make sense … Your sister lives in Cabramatta, right? That’s the opposite direction. And you must have lots of things to do – you are a tourist, you haven’t visited in thirty years. And your sister always has a lot of plans.’ Jun’s sister, she remembered, was like Jun with the cheerfulness dialled up another fifty degrees: always organising breakfasts and excursions and mini-itineraries. ‘You hardly ever see her. You and I, we can see each other any time. We live in the same country. Don’t you think you should spend time with your family while you’re in Australia?’
Jun leaned in closer, so she could smell his warm bodily odour, which was not unpleasant. She saw his inner lip and a dimpling of pockmarks on his chin. She didn’t remember them from when he was young, but then, there were probably lots of things he didn’t remember about her, either. ‘No, no, that is not a problem. My sister is working, my niece is working. Really, I don’t have any special plan. I was just passing through the area. Also, Yannie, we have not met for a while, I need to make sure you have not forgotten all about me.’ He laughed, to show it was a joke. ‘In fact, if you are so busy next week, I have another idea – maybe we can go and have dinner. Only if you are free, of course! I don’t mind! It doesn’t matter!’
The terror in his eyes made her want to shake him by the shirtfront. ‘JUN,’ she said. ‘WHY DON’T YOU JUST SAY WHAT YOU MEAN FOR ONCE.’
‘Ha-ha.’ A rictus grin. ‘What do you think I mean?’
‘Why should it matter what I think? Why can’t you just tell it to me directly?’ Still he wore that terrible gaping smile, the faux casualness, the pathetic attempt at plausible deniability which he never had it in him to take off. ‘Listen, Jun, I hate to say this, but … I wish you’d just tell me things out loud. Instead of hinting, following me round and staring at me with those awful hangdog eyes. Besides, you know that my answer is no, Jun, no, now and always – and I think that you know why. You are my friend, Jun, and you are my brother’s friend, but … I am a single lady. That’s just how it has to be.’
Jun remained very still. His face betrayed no sign of consternation. In fact, it showed no change in his feelings at all. ‘Really, don’t be silly. I don’t even know what you’re talking about!’ He let out a little laugh. ‘I’m sorry that I have annoyed you, Yannie. I must be a very annoying person!’
‘No, you aren’t. I’m not annoyed.’
For a moment Jun looked quite crestfallen. Then he seemed to perk up, like a cut flower regaining moisture in its stem. ‘So anyway, are you free to meet next Tuesday evening? I will come and pick you up. I understand, you are right – the films are expensive over here, but it is cheaper on Tuesday! We can watch anything you like. The only thing is, I need to know in advance, so I can tell my sister I will be with you. Otherwise, I will take my niece out to have dinner.’
‘How kind of you,’ Yannie said wearily. ‘Yes, I’m free on that day. I’ll come and meet you at your sister’s house.’
‘No, no, that is too much trouble. I’ll come and meet you at home, Shan’s place.’
‘No, no. It’s just as much trouble for you to come and see me as it is for me to come and see you.’ Already she could foresee how the evening would pan out, the two of them fighting for the bill, pretending to themselves and to each other that they were enjoying themselves. ‘Message me the address. But remember, don’t send too many texts, because over here using a hand phone is very pricey.’
‘Sure!’ said Jun. He slapped her playfully on the shoulder. ‘I will see you on Tuesday evening.’
*
Yannie took some time getting ready to meet Jun on Tuesday. ‘Men,’ her mother used to say, ‘only have one thing on their mind. And even if you are not doing that thing together, you still have to make an effort. Otherwise they will not respect you, and then women will not respect you either. Always keep this in your thoughts.’
On the train, she counted the stations from the city. Evelyn would have given her a lift if she’d asked, but Yannie thought it prudent not to let her know where she was going. She could already hear the barrage of questions this would elicit: Going to visit Jun? Is he married? Et cetera. Jun’s sister’s house was close to the station. She walked fast, glancing left and right to be aware of strangers, glancing behind her even as she took her shoes off at the front door and left them on the rack.
The girl who let her in looked to be about Kat’s age, and Yannie assumed she must be Jun’s niece. They were physically similar, but as different in behaviour as they could possibly be: the niece seemed smiley, affable, eager to please. ‘Oh, you must be Auntie Yannie, Uncle Jun’s old friend,’ she said, looking slightly embarrassed as she said the word friend. ‘He’s in there,’ she added, gesturing towards a closed door.
Yannie knocked, but there was no answer. She wanted to ask the
niece whether it was OK to just walk in, but the girl had gone back to her room. She paused for a moment, then took a deep breath and turned the knob.
At first she thought Jun was standing on the bed in his bare feet. ‘It’s cold, you should be wearing socks,’ she began to admonish him, before realising that his feet were dangling, not supporting his weight at all. There was a ceiling fan, and the cord around his neck was perpendicular to the base which affixed it to the ceiling. Well, of course, she thought, it’s only gravity.
Realistically, she assessed her options. She could scream, but it didn’t seem this would accomplish very much. She could call for help, but she didn’t like to bother other people, who were surely enjoying the afternoon. Instead, she sat down on the bed. The doona was lurid in colour, a bright peach-pink. An odd choice, she thought, but no doubt the buyer had her reasons. She supposed the buyer was a she. They usually were, when it came to this sort of household purchase.
Still searching for something she could do, she saw an envelope lying on the dresser. This made her curious. The envelope was unsealed, and it only took a moment to open the flap and slide out the single sheet inside. In the middle of the page, in clear capitals, Jun had written: ‘IT WAS YOUR FAULT’. Finally, she thought, he’s learned to say what he means at last.
7
All The Old Showstoppers
Shuying embraced her at the airport. ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry,’ she kept saying. They hugged and hugged, ignoring the dirty looks other passengers gave them for this public display of feeling, which was blocking the walkway. Keep it hidden, always. Keep your feelings to yourself.
Shuying drove the two of them down the long highway from the airport to their hometown. After eight months away, the traffic irritated her anew. Shuying talked continuously in Hokkien, hardly pausing for breath, as if frightened of what might leak out if Yannie was given more than a second or two in which to express an opinion. ‘I can’t believe it. No-one knows what to believe – no-one. He was such a nice man. Everyone said so. Never ever had an argument. He can’t have been in his right mind, to do something like that – he must have gone mad.’
‘I don’t think he was mad,’ Yannie said. ‘Well, it depends what you mean by mad. I mean, I talked to him the week before. I think he knew what was going on. I don’t think that he was mentally ill,’ she added, saying the words in English.
Shuying ignored her. ‘I can’t believe it,’ she repeated. ‘And if he was sane, that’s even worse. To kill yourself is a sin – the Bible says that it is wicked. But I can’t believe someone as gentle as Jun would go to Hell. He can’t have known what he was doing.’
Yannie didn’t have the energy to contest the point. She looked at Shuying in profile, tiredly but with interest. She didn’t recall Shuying being this religious the last time they spoke. Unexpected death brings out the spiritual side in all of us, she thought.
At the wake, she met some of Jun’s surviving relatives. She met his sister, who she’d seen briefly in Sydney after they found him in his room. The sister had gone into hysterics but remained strangely practical throughout. On observing the body, she had begun to scream, and had screamed more or less constantly for the next forty minutes or so, but also called the police and the ambulance, and instructed her daughter not to come out of her room. She’d organised the repatriation arrangements, too, and in a remarkably professional manner, as if it were something she’d done many times before. Now, having had time to process the event, she was quiet and surprisingly collected. She offered Yannie condolences, as if Yannie was the one who had suffered the greater loss – which, now that Yannie thought about it, she might indeed have done. Most of the relatives seemed bewildered and unnerved, rather than overwhelmed with grief. Come to that, Yannie herself didn’t feel especially grief-stricken. If Jun had died of cancer, say, or a heart attack, maybe it would have been different. But because the decision had been his and his alone, he still felt very much alive to her.
Shuying’s husband approached. ‘Hello, Yannie,’ he said in his friendly, guileless manner. Automatically, Yannie offered him her hand to shake. This seemed to surprise him, although he recovered in short order. The grip of his fingers on hers was reassuringly firm. ‘What a terrible thing to happen,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘Terrible for Jun. But worse than that, for his family, the real victims, the ones he left behind. For their sake, if for no other reason, he should have stopped what he was doing.’
‘Should he really, though?’
Shuying’s husband looked at her strangely. ‘Of course he should.’
‘But how can we know? After all, we don’t know what was going through his head. What if he was really, deeply unhappy? Should he have gone on suffering like that, just to avoid making the rest of us feel sad in our own lives?’ Yannie felt her voice becoming querulous.
Shuying’s husband gave her a kind, unlistening look. His expression said, How sad, this one’s unhinged by grief. ‘Yannie,’ he said gently, ‘this must be a great shock to you. Come now, let’s talk to the other guests. Everyone is so glad that you could make it.’
The rest of the day passed, not in a blur exactly, more as a procession of self-contained incidents. Each of these was logical enough in itself, but they did not add up to anything very meaningful. Relatives and other mourners gathered in groups, making small talk about funeral logistics and occasionally indulging in reminiscences. Most of these memories, Yannie noticed, seemed to come from a very long time ago. It was all childhood with cousins and high school pals – Jun had few recent friends who could offer more up-to-date nostalgia. Yannie wasn’t interested in talking to these people. She didn’t care about the ceremony, which seemed faintly surreal to her. She disliked the wreath on top of the coffin, the polyester ribbon with the word ‘CONDOLENCES’, and a pattern made out of the silhouette of an airborne dove.
Afterwards, at the temple, they tossed wads of fake paper money into the incinerator. The money was supposed to take spiritual form on being burnt, and cover Jun’s expenses on reaching Heaven. Everybody coughed because of the smoke, and shook their heads, and smiled at each other. You could tell that no-one exactly believed in it, but they didn’t disbelieve it, either.
While this was going on, she managed to whisper to Shuying, ‘What denomination are those notes in?’
‘You mean the offerings? I don’t know.’
‘Thousands? Millions? Billions?’ ‘Well, I can’t tell. All I can see from here is a lot of zeroes. Why didn’t you look when it was your turn to put them in the furnace?’
‘Well, I couldn’t do that. Everybody was watching. I couldn’t start rifling through the heavenly cash, right in front of all the other visitors. It would look like I was counting Monopoly money.’
Shuying suppressed a giggle. ‘Yes, I suppose it would look funny. I don’t know why the numbers are so big. I don’t remember them being so large at funerals when we were small.’
‘The inflation up in Heaven must be crazy.’
Shuying let out a snort, which set Yannie off as well. A couple of Jun’s relatives turned around to glare at them, and eventually they managed to control themselves. Just as they had recovered, Shuying swallowed some saliva, sending it down the wrong passageway, which started her coughing, which nearly set them off again.
‘It’s just superstition,’ Shuying whispered once they had recovered. ‘Still, I can laugh now, but I’m just a hypocrite, really. My children had better burn billions for me when my time comes.’ Yannie breathed deeply, inhaling a lungful of incense smoke, which smelled like dried flowers and scented paper. ‘Hey, do you have plans for after all of this is over?’
‘Plans?’ Yannie looked at her friend blankly. ‘What plans do you mean?’
‘Oh, I don’t know. I mean, something to do once the ceremonies and everything else have been completed.’ Shuying looked casual, nonchalant. ‘Actually, how about I drop you home at your flat? Although now I come to think of it, that direction might be blocked. Th
ey are still repairing the road, you see. It was meant to be finished months ago, but you know how it is with this government.’ She sighed ostentatiously. ‘Oh wait – I have had a thought. If you like, you can come and stay at my house tonight. The reason is, my husband won’t be coming home with us today. He has to go straight to the airport, since he’ll be travelling for work these next two days.’
Yannie felt her stomach drop. ‘Yes,’ she said, trying not to betray the desire lurching through her body. ‘I would like that very much.’
As they drove off together, Yannie felt like a child going away on her first holiday.
*
She alighted at Shuying’s house with wonder, as if she were setting foot on the moon. After all her months in Sydney, nothing was different, and yet everything was. Shuying’s eldest daughter, Chunhua, was sitting on the couch watching TV. Chunhua was twenty-two years old and had just got married. Every part of her was effortfully, consciously pretty, from her eyelids to her toes: whenever she spoke or laughed or moved, you could tell she was aware of how she looked when she was doing it. Yannie could not think of someone more unlike how Shuying used to be when she was young.
They chatted for a while as Shuying bustled round the kitchen fixing drinks and fetching snacks. It was interesting to talk to Chunhua, who had just come back from a long honeymoon in Europe. Among other cities, she had been to London, Dublin, Amsterdam and Prague. In Amsterdam, she had gone to visit one of the nightclubbing streets, and seen gay men walking hand in hand. ‘Well, I must admit that I was shocked. Don’t make a mistake, I’m not closed-minded. I’ve studied overseas – I think there’s nothing wrong with it. I don’t agree with my parents on this – I’m an agnostic, you see, and I don’t go to church anymore. It’s their private life, and there’s no need for us to barge in on them.’ Chunhua wrinkled her nose and looked at Yannie conspiratorially. ‘Still, morality aside – when you think of what they do together, isn’t it disgusting?’
Yannie was surprised, at this point, to find herself blinded by a scrim of rage. ‘Tell me specifically,’ she said levelly, doing her best to keep her voice calm. ‘What do they do together?’
