by Harry Hill
It’s been twenty-five years since I last got paid!
There’s another little thing that I’d like to mention
It ain’t much fun on an old age pension!’
Bobby stepped back and held his arms wide to signal the end of his act.
‘Thanks for listening. You made a happy man feel very old – no wait a minute! The other way round! I’m Bobby Bath – and no I don’t want a doughnut! Goodnight!’
Well, the roar that followed was completely off the scale. The audience jumped to their feet and whooped and cheered. Bobby bowed low and blew a kiss to a lady in the front row, he waved to the people up in the gallery and winked, and then with a huge smile on his face, marched towards Matt. As he passed Eddie coming the other way, Eddie shook his hand and leant in briefly to chat to him. Matt strained to hear what he was saying above the din but could only make out the word ‘legend’.
Bobby continued walking and mouthed, ‘I did it!’ Then something very strange happened. All the blood seemed to drain from Bobby’s face, he clutched his chest with his left hand and as he took the last few steps to the wings, his knees went from under him and he pitched forward. Matt managed to get under him to catch him and gently lower him to the ground. He was like a sack of potatoes.
‘Bobby?’ Matt said lifting the old comic’s head. ‘Hey, stop kidding around …’ Bobby’s skin was cold and clammy and Matt knew straight away that something was very wrong indeed.
In the background he could hear Eddie eliciting another round of applause for his old friend.
‘Bobby?’ Matt said, more urgently now. Bobby’s eyes rolled back into the top of his head. He didn’t appear to be breathing.
The stage manager rushed in, took one look at him and yelled at the top of her voice, ‘Somebody call an ambulance!’
26
Total Eclipse
Matt hadn’t been allowed to travel with Bobby in the ambulance, and not really knowing what to do he’d phoned his mum. She’d told him to get the next train home and was waiting for him with a sandwich when he got there. As she gave him a hug he burst into tears. The whole day had been so emotional. First the drama and worry of backing out of the Apollo show, then Bobby standing in for him and storming it, and then collapsing in his arms.
‘Any news?’ he said with a sniff.
‘I phoned the hospital. They say Bobby had a heart attack, quite a big one I’m afraid.’
‘But he’s going to be all right?’ said Matt.
‘All they said is that the next forty-eight hours are critical.’
‘We saw the show,’ said Ian, his eyes red from crying too. ‘Bobby was brilliant.’
‘Yeah,’ said Matt, ‘the best!’
‘Now eat your sandwich and have a bath. Try not to worry too much about him, he’s in the best place …’ said Matt’s mum. ‘We’ll phone the hospital again in the morning.’
Matt made short work of the sandwich – he realised he hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast. He put in a call to Rob to fill him in on the situation and asked him to call Kitty and tell her too. Poor Kitty, she’d been right about Excalibur Management and Dickie Hart all along, but at this point Matt didn’t have the headspace to worry about his so-called career. His ups and downs in the world of showbiz seemed incredibly trivial compared to what poor Bobby was going through.
He had a quick bath and went to bed but although he was physically exhausted he couldn’t sleep. All he could think about was Bobby lying somewhere alone in a hospital bed. He blamed himself. If he hadn’t ducked out of the gig, Bobby wouldn’t have had all that stress and would still be fighting fit. When he finally did get to sleep he had a hideous nightmare – he was in the wings at the Apollo and Bobby kept collapsing onstage in front of the audience but Matt was unable to go to help him.
*
He woke with a start and looked at his phone – there were about twenty texts, all saying how brilliant Bobby had been on the Apollo show. The last one was from Rob. It read simply, ‘Turn the TV on NOW and check out the news.’
Matt, still in his pyjamas, rushed downstairs to the kitchen, grabbed the remote and flicked on the TV. There was a reporter outside a London hospital. Underneath was the headline ‘Star’s Comeback Ends In Tragedy’.
‘Oh my god!’ said Matt. ‘Please don’t tell me he didn’t make it!’ He turned up the volume and listened to what the reporter had to say.
‘Veteran comic Bobby Bath’s TV comeback was watched by over seven million people last night …’ Then a short sequence of Bobby from the night before onstage at the Apollo flashed up. ‘… the comic, who was a big star back in the seventies, made an unexpected comeback after T Factor whizz kid Matt Millz pulled out at short notice …’ the report went on. ‘However just moments after he came off stage he collapsed with a suspected heart attack and is currently in a critical condition behind me here in Charing Cross hospital.’
Matt’s phone rang – it was Rob.
‘You watching it?’ said his old friend.
‘Yup,’ said Matt, trying to keep a lid on his emotions.
‘We’ve got to get down there, Matt,’ said Rob. ‘It might be our last chance to see him.’
Matt glanced at his watch. Trains from Staplefirst went at ten past the hour – the next one was in twenty-five minutes. ‘I’ll see you at the station,’ he said and hung up. He threw on his clothes, grabbed a Kit-Kat from the larder, scribbled a note for his mum and Ian, and headed out of the front door.
Rob was waiting for him at the station when he got there. They did something they didn’t usually do – they hugged each other.
‘I’ve missed you, mate,’ said Matt, choking back a tear.
‘Yeah, it’s been weird without you,’ said Rob, equally overcome.
Matt filled Rob in on what had happened with Dickie Hart and the circumstances surrounding Bobby’s comeback.
‘So it’s all kind of my fault,’ he said.
‘Well, they said on the news it could have come at any time, so … Anyway, it’s happened now,’ said Rob trying to make Matt feel better.
The train pulled in, they pressed the flashing, bleeping button on the door and they got on.
‘Look, there’s an empty four seats,’ said Rob as they walked down the train, but as they got level there seemed to be someone sitting in one of them. The occupant was so small she couldn’t be seen from behind. ‘Kitty!’ said Matt, sitting down opposite Kitty Hope.
‘Great minds!’ said Rob.
Her eyes were red from crying. ‘I just hope he’s OK,’ she said, producing a hanky and dabbing the tears from her eyes.
‘Listen, Kitty, I’m really sorry,’ said Matt.
‘What for?’
‘For …’ stuttered Matt, ‘… for everything!’
He then proceeded to explain once again exactly what had happened the previous night at the Apollo – about how Dickie Hart had manipulated him into accepting the gig, how he and Bobby had hatched the plan to pretend that Matt was ill so he could get out of it, and how, fatefully, he’d set Bobby up to take his place. He went through how funny Bobby had been onstage and how he’d collapsed in his arms.
‘So I blame myself,’ he said, finishing up. ‘And I’m really sorry that I ever doubted you as a manager.’
Kitty nodded slowly as she took in what he’d said. She turned to look out of the window at the fields racing by. Matt looked at Rob, Rob looked at Matt and raised his eyebrows. After a few moments she turned back and spoke.
‘Two things,’ she said, her old businesslike manner returning. ‘We both know Bobby and he lived – lives – for his comedy. Watching him on that stage on TV last night was one of the proudest moments of my life – second only to seeing you there on your T Factor audition. I could see that Bobby was loving it, so no, don’t blame yourself, Matt. You should take credit for putting Bobby back where he belongs – top of the bill! As for the other thing, your … fling … with Excalibur Management – I appreciate your apology
. I knew how it would probably end, that’s why I was so upset when you got involved with them. Like I said to you at the time, Dickie Hart is a bad egg – he’s in it for all the wrong reasons. It’s just a shame you had to find out the hard way. But …’ she said, pausing briefly for effect, ‘I still believe in you and think you’ve got the makings of another Bobby Bath!’
‘Thanks,’ said Matt awkwardly. ‘I don’t suppose …’
‘Don’t suppose what?’ said Kitty.
‘Oh, it doesn’t matter …’ said Matt, turning away.
‘Jeez!’ said an exasperated Rob. ‘He wants to know whether you’ll be his manager again.’ Kitty turned to the window once again.
‘Of course I would,’ she said quietly.
‘Eh?’ said Matt – he wasn’t sure he’d heard her correctly.
‘I’d be happy to take you back, you big idiot,’ she said.
‘Yaay!’ cried Matt and he gave her a kiss. ‘I promise I won’t let you down!’
‘Again!’ chipped in Rob.
‘Again!’ said Matt.
‘Yes all right,’ said Kitty, flustered, her face going a bright red. ‘On one condition.’
‘Anything, name your price,’ said Matt.
‘That you do do the Anglebrook Children in Need show tonight.’
‘I’d be happy to. I’ve still got a problem with my material though.’
‘Just turn up and tell them about your adventures over the last few weeks. They’ll be happy with that.’
‘Deal,’ said Matt shaking Kitty’s hand.
‘Hang on, what about the contract I signed …?’ said Matt. But they had no time to finish the conversation as the train had stopped at the next station – the doors swooshed open and in walked a figure they all knew.
‘You lot going where I think you’re going?’ said Ahmed. ‘Well, I couldn’t miss seeing the Bobster could I?’ he grinned.
27
Touch and Go
Charing Cross hospital is nowhere near Charing Cross station. It is in fact about half a mile from the Hammersmith Apollo. As Matt and the gang approached it, Matt’s heart sank – there was a large gaggle of reporters and a number of camera crews camped outside, just as there’d been outside his house following his T Factor appearance.
‘You’d better pull your hood up,’ said Kitty. ‘They’re not going to leave you alone – you’re part of this story.’ Matt nodded and did as he was told. He shoved his hands in his pockets and kept his head down. The others fell in around him to form a human shield. He’d just made it past them and up the steps to the main door when someone called his name. ‘Matt!’
Matt hesitated, only for a nanosecond, but that was long enough to confirm his identity to the paps. They rushed forward as a pack. Matt started running but tripped and went tumbling to the floor. As the pack of photographers closed in for the kill, Kitty stepped in front of them with her arms outstretched.
‘STOP!’ she shouted, and to a man they froze. ‘You should be ashamed of yourselves!’ she continued. A couple of paps lowered their cameras and shifted awkwardly on the spot. ‘Respect my client’s feelings and kindly desist from hounding him in this way,’ she said, and as Matt picked himself up off the ground and limped through the hospital doors she just stood there glaring at them, daring them to take another photo. Not one of them did.
‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘Matt will be issuing a statement shortly.’ With that she turned and marched through the doors and after her friends.
‘Thanks, Kit,’ said Matt admiringly. ‘You were magnificent!’
‘Too right, Kitty,’ said Ahmed nodding. ‘You could be prime minister the way you did that!’
A little old lady approached them. She looked vaguely familiar to Matt.
‘You’re Matt, aren’t you?’ she said in a northern accent. ‘Are you here for Bobby?’
‘That’s right, um … how …?’ said Matt a little perplexed. He’d got used to being recognised by strangers but this lady wasn’t his usual demographic.
‘I’m Winnie, Bobby’s sister,’ she said. ‘Bobby’s always talking about you.’
‘Winnie! Of course,’ said Matt, hugging her close. ‘You look a lot like him.’
‘It’s a shame to be meeting under these circumstances,’ said Winnie.
‘How is he, Winnie?’ said Kitty stepping forward.
‘Kitty!’ she said and gave the girl a hug. ‘Well, what can I say? He’s not out of the woods yet. The doctors say he needs to rest – but I’m sure it’ll give him a boost to see your young faces! I was just off to get him a paper. He’s in the CCU up on the third floor. Don’t talk to anyone who’s not wearing a name badge though – the place is crawling with journalists.’
‘Yes, we’d noticed,’ said Matt.
They said their goodbyes and headed towards the lift.
The nurse on reception at the CCU told them they could only go in two at a time, so Matt and Kitty went first. Matt felt nervous, worried at what he’d find. What if he wasn’t like the old Bobby? What if he’d suffered some sort of permanent damage?
‘I hate hospitals,’ he confided to Kit as they both rubbed the antiseptic gel into their hands before going in.
‘No one likes them,’ she said pushing the door open and entering Bobby’s room. At the top of the bed there was a monitor that had a green trace on it and made a bleeping noise that Matt recognised from the TV as an ECG machine or heart monitor. There was another machine that was connected to a syringe which led to a tube. He followed the tube down to the bed where it was connected to Bobby’s right arm. Bobby had his eyes shut and was breathing shallowly through his mouth. Matt felt a lump in his throat and could hardly speak.
‘Bobby?’ whispered Kitty stepping forward and gently taking the old comic’s hand. Bobby grunted and turned his head, then slowly opened his eyes.
‘Sarah? Is that you?’ His eyes appeared to be focussing on something in the distance. ‘I’m coming, luv …’ he said weakly and then he let out a long breath, closed his eyes and slumped back on to the bed.
‘Bobby!’ cried Matt, with tears in his eyes. ‘Quick, Kit, call the nurse. He’s died!’
‘Ha ha! Fooled you!’ said Bobby opening one eye. ‘Ha ha! Hitler didn’t manage to finish me off and there’s plenty of life left in this old comic! Mind you it wouldn’t be the first time I’d died and probably not the last! Ha ha! You should have seen your face, Matt! Priceless!’
‘You … you …’ said Matt, relieved but still very emotional. ‘You …’
‘Comedian?’ said Bobby.
‘Yeah, you comedian,’ said Matt.
‘I showed ’em, eh?’ said Bobby sitting up.
‘You certainly did,’ said Kitty smiling with relief.
‘I knocked ’em dead! Unfortunately I nearly knocked myself dead in the process!’ Bobby laughed.
‘The nurse said you were to get some rest, Bobby,’ said Kitty. ‘We just wanted to pop in to say hello and check you were OK.’
‘Yeah,’ said Matt. ‘Rob and Ahmed are outside.’
‘Great!’ said Bobby. ‘I’m in all the papers you know! I’ve just sent my sister out to get them. I don’t know what happened to me. I was fine one minute, taking the applause, then I remember seeing you in the wings, Matt, and then I just blacked out …’
‘You had a heart attack, Mr … Bath?’ said a woman’s voice from behind them. It was the doctor.
‘No thanks, I had one this morning!’ said Bobby. ‘Actually I didn’t but I could do with one!’
The doctor adjusted one of the drips and looked through the charts at the end of Bobby’s bed.
‘Are you comfortable?’ said the doctor.
‘I make a living …’ joked Bobby.
‘You know what I mean,’ she said, rolling her eyes. ‘Any pain?’
‘No, I just feel a bit washed out that’s all, doc.’
‘That’s to be expected,’ said the doctor turning to leave. ‘Like this young lady says, get
some rest and I’ll be round again to see you later.’
‘Oh, doctor, before you go, I’ve been meaning to ask – after I’m discharged from hospital will I be able to play the trombone?’ said Bobby.
‘Er … yes, I see no reason why not. Why do you ask?’
‘Well, they must be great tablets you’re giving me because I couldn’t play the trombone before I came into hospital! Ha ha! Oh, doc, you walked into that one, you really did!’
She shook her head. ‘Get some rest, that’s an order,’ she said and went out of the room, passing Bobby’s sister coming the other way clutching a bundle of newpapers.
‘There’s your papers, Bobby – front page too! You haven’t been front-page news since you won Opportunity Knocks!’ said Winnie.
‘I’ve had lots of phone calls, Bobby, there’s lots of interest – all the shows want you,’ said Kitty.
‘Great! He he!’ said Bobby, rubbing his hands with glee. ‘I’m back! Ha ha!’
‘But we’ll talk about that another time. Matt? If you’re going to get back in time to do the Children in Need show we’d better go.’
‘Hmm, I’m not sure I want to leave Bobby,’ said Matt
‘You go, son,’ said Bobby. ‘I’ll be fine – the show must go on, remember!’
‘Well, if you’re sure …’
Bobby nodded. Matt took Bobby’s hand and gave it a squeeze. ‘Make sure you get some rest and I’ll phone you in the morning to let you know how it went.’
‘No, phone me when you come off,’ said Bobby. ‘I want to hear the excitement in your voice. You’ll smash it, Matt, I know you will …’
‘Mr Bath?’ said a nurse.
‘No thanks, luv, I had one this morning,’ said Bobby with a weak smile. The exertions of the last few minutes had taken their toll on his energy levels and for the first time in a while Bobby looked all of his eighty-two years.
*
‘Did he do the gag where he pretended to die?’ asked Rob as they walked back to Hammersmith tube station.
