Still, you may be skeptical: How do you know if you can completely trust the veracity of your memories? Generally speaking, we do not create false memories, as much as we confuse other data in our heads with what actually happened. For instance, Lenore Terr, a psychiatrist renowned for her work on repressed memories, wrote that based on her research, people do not make up a scene of being molested, for instance, but may confuse the color of the shirt the perpetrator was wearing with a different color that he had worn on another occasion.36 Our memories may not be 100 percent factual, but they are crucial to recovery even if some details are not perfect.
Science has demonstrated that our memories are indeed fallible, which is a problem if you’re trying to prove something in court. However, when it comes to treatment and recovery, perception, not fact, is king. It is perception, never reality, that creates emotion. Whatever you remember happened is what needs to be brought to the surface. Ultimately, the facts do not matter in this process; when it comes to healing, the emotions contained in the memory must be remembered, expressed, felt, and released.
I have spent hours with people remembering scenes from devil worshiping cults, wherein they describe horrible things from infanticide to daemonic or angelic presences. Did these things really happen? It is not up to me, the psychologist, to determine what from these memories is real. They are the memories and perceptions of the client. It is the expression and release of these memories that allows them to finish with the memory and complete their healing process. Remembering and working through their stories provides them with peace and healing about their respective childhoods. And remarkably, I have never needed to go back and redo a finished memory years later. What is finished remains finished for the rest of their lives. The healing takes place. While I make it a general practice to believe my clients, I don’t ever need to validate their memories with anyone else, not with the perpetrators and not in a court room. Our work is strictly for the client’s own benefit and never for forensic purposes.
What if you can’t seem to remember?
I have worked with dozens of people who have been stuck, like Linda, in a kind of memory freeze-frame. Almost invariably, they can be gently prodded to unfreeze the memory and allow it to unspool. To create this memory movement, I typically ask them questions like “How old are you?” Where are you? What time of the day is it? Who is with you? What is happening? How do you feel?”
Jennifer came in with a great deal of discomfort about a repeating image in her mind. Her grandfather was chasing her around the dining room table when she was age six. I asked her how she felt at the time, hoping she would say amused and playful. Instead, she claimed that she was terrified that he would catch her. Through carefully worded questions, I helped her take me through a horrible summer of incest that she had suffered at his hands when her parents had left her with him while they were stationed overseas. Once she could deal with the first of these memories, the remainder of them followed suit, one at a time, until we were able to finish the stories and make peace with that entire chapter of her life.
Similarly, most clients are prepared to move past the stuck place when they present for treatment. Sometimes I ask them to do some relaxation and imagery or even self-hypnosis, but most of the time, they can access whatever is necessary to help them get unstuck and complete the healing.
But haven’t you suffered enough? Isn’t this treatment method cruel and unusual (punishment) treatment? Clearly you have suffered. The goal in treatment is to finish the horror show in your mind, not leave it stuck in an endless loop. For that to happen, you, the trauma sufferer, must finally address the horror by remembering it in totality, and then feeling, expressing, and releasing it.
Memory Avoidance
So if successful healing from trauma requires a visit to unfinished and undigested material, why do you, the survivor, avoid dealing with these memories as if they were a root canal? Only last week, while consulting with an eighty-year-old gentleman in the hospital with depression related to acute cardiac issues, I questioned him about his military service. He told me he had served in Vietnam, but added, “We don’t talk about that.”
But why not? Always remember that all behavior is purposeful and goal-oriented. You would not do something more than once unless you got something from it, and that includes avoidance. People avoid things that are uncomfortable to them. This is true from the first day of life (try blowing in the face of a newborn baby and watch the infant close her eyes and turn her head away). Similarly, take an elderly man on the last day of his life into a cold room and hear him request a sweater, a blanket, or a move to another room. You will frequently attempt to avoid discomfort, even when you might benefit from facing that discomfort.
To overcome the tendency of not remembering, keep the following four blockers in mind:
1.By holding on to your position of “victim,” you can avoid all responsibility for being happy or successful. You always have the betrayal from your ex-husband or business partner or the physical abuse from your father on which to blame your unhappy life. To face the pain and finish it is tantamount to assuming responsibility for your own happiness and success. This can be very scary.
2.A traumatic memory or even painful losses can prompt you to erect a wall that will prevent you from ever being hurt again. Mary admitted that after her father died suddenly during her childhood, she has never allowed anyone to be that close to her. In all the relationships she’s had, she has kept people at arm’s length, especially by fault-finding and emphasizing their negative attributes. To allow anyone to be intimately close to her would make her vulnerable to being hurt all over again, as when her father died.
3.Sometimes you believe if you should let go of the trauma or hurt, you would be condoning the perpetrator’s bad behavior. I have had many people tell me that they will always hate their ex-husband for the affair and the subsequent abandonment, because to stop hating him would mean that he got away with his terrible behavior. Reviewing his “crime” on a regular basis feels like you are actively protesting that behavior. Forgiveness (letting go) would feel too much like accepting the bad behavior.
4.Facing the worst thing that ever happened to you is scary and painful, so you’d really prefer not to re-experience the terror and hurt. For this reason, you go to great lengths to avoid scary and painful issues, even if doing so guarantees that they will maintain their hold over you indefinitely. To deal with memory is to deal with frightening and painful emotion. And emotion, as you will see in the next chapter, is that which must be addressed and repaired for you to finally overcome your pain in the past.
How to Bring Back a Memory
Always remember that memories (including just regular, everyday memories) are fallible and imperfect re-creations of an actual event or events. Nonetheless, they can be incredibly accurate and informative, and they can be quite helpful to validate feelings you have held for many years. Very often, when the memories are traumatic, they have been repressed (blocked out of your conscious mind) for your protection. That does not mean they cannot be accessed, as very often they are stimulated many years later by current events. (Note the story of the traveling magician on page 78 under “Rick’s Story.”) While I am not an advocate of hunting for material to “prove” that someone has been abused or molested, people will present with fragments of a memory or at least an awareness that something has happened to them that they may have repressed. Sometimes they have a photograph in their head which is actually part of a repressed memory that is easy for them to stimulate in the safety of my office, but not at home.
As you’ll see in the chapter on complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, most multiple personality/Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) clients will present with a very limited understanding as to what happened to them, who the different alter personalities are, or what they have to do to heal from past abuse. But once treatment begins, their memories are typically easily accessibl
e.
If a memory is beginning to present itself, it is usually best to approach this in the safety of your mental health professional’s office, especially if you’re currently in therapy. It is okay to ask yourself how old you are, where you are, what time of day it is, whether you are alone or with others (who might be with you), and most importantly, what happens next? Little pieces will emerge, and it is important to allow yourself to see the movie that is now appearing in your head and to feel the accompanying feelings. It may be necessary to continue to ask yourself, “What happens next?” until the entire memory has surfaced. Typically, when the memory is completed and the feelings have been flushed out, the memory will stop presenting itself. Prior to that happening, the memory can be stuck in your head for weeks or longer, if it is not successfully extracted from its storage place (see the story of Linda and the “chicken wire” earlier in the chapter). Stories need to be told and felt and those emotions expressed and completely released in order to be completed.
Clients will often try to end their memory prematurely because they are frightened to find out what happens next, especially if they are about to be molested or raped or otherwise traumatized. Creating a different ending for a memory from the past is ill-advised, as it will not change what happened in reality. (This is another example of avoidance.) In my considerable experience, the memory will continue to torment the person until the truth is told in all its detail and that memory is completed. The memories that should be encouraged to surface are the ones that are already trying to force their way out by appearing in dreams, flashbacks, or intrusive recollections. Again, I would not go on a wild-goose chase looking for the potential of memories, but rather guide the client to finish whatever memory has already started to surface.
Without bringing out the memory, there will not be healing for a trauma survivor, and no integration will take place for a person with multiple personality disorder/DID. One of the most important items to consider when evaluating if a memory is finally over is whether there is finally a feeling of peace after the expression of the anxiety, pain, and tears. When memories are over, there is often a sense of peace that this has finally been expressed and released. If there is still anxiety present, that is typically an indication that there is more to the story that has yet to surface.
Finally, for the purposes of this section, you will know the memory is completed because it will no longer force its way to the conscious mind, since it is now satisfied. In cases where there are numerous memories, the next memory will begin to present itself shortly thereafter. Think of a Pez dispenser or a paper cup machine: when one is used, the next one will slide into position to be used next. (For a more complete understanding of this phenomenon, please see the chapter on complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.) Finally, do not force the memory nor attach pieces to it that you are not certain happened. Be content to allow the memory to present itself until you feel quite certain that this is exactly what happened, even though you have temporarily blocked the memory to protect yourself from the horror of the feelings associated with the trauma.
If you are trying this at home, writing out the memory can be quite helpful. When writing a story, there is usually a beginning, a middle, and an end. Keeping this in mind will hopefully be quite helpful for you at home. Please feel free to write out whatever it is that you may have experienced as you read to the next sections.
Regarding where to start, there is no “right” answer. Very simply, if a memory is intact in your mind, start wherever it “makes sense” to begin. Again, think of a movie or a book; the beginning sets the stage for the rest of the story.
If you were a child when you were traumatized, ask yourself questions like:
•How old was I? Think of what grade you were in (first, third, elementary, middle school, etc.) might help anchor the time period.
•Where was I living at the time? If you moved at all, remember what house you were in, or what town or city.
•Who was in the house with me? Mom, dad, siblings, grandparents, etc.
•What was the quality of relationships you had with the people around you? They could have been good and close relationships, or perhaps Mom was typically angry, or Dad was never home, etc.
If you were in an abusive relationship or were sexually assaulted, ask yourself questions like:
•How did you two meet?
•Where did you two meet?
•What attracted you to him or her (if you were an adult at the time)?
•Were there any indications that something bad was going to happen?
If you are grief-stricken, ask yourself questions like:
•How old were you when the beloved one passed?
•What happened?
•What were the circumstances around what happened.
•What do you miss most about him/her?
Chapter Four
Feel: No Feel, No Heal
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“There are people in your life who’ve come and gone, they’ve let you down, you know they’ve hurt your pride. Better put it all behind you, because life goes on. You keep carrying that anger, it’ll eat you up inside…but I think it’s about forgiveness, forgiveness. Even if, even if, you don’t love me anymore.”
—Don Henley
Feel: No Feel, No Heal
Everything You Do Is Based On Feelings
Don’t underestimate the power of your feelings. It’s a mistake many people who have suffered emotional trauma make, and it’s one that I’m going to help you avoid. Feelings or emotions (I will use the terms interchangeably) are the basis for every action you take. Whether you belly up to the bar at happy hour, spend hours on social media, stay glued to the rec room TV on football Sundays, or make it a point to hit the gym, it’s all about how you feel. In fact, you are trying to control your feelings in a positive way. Feelings are why you travel twelve hours across the country on Thanksgiving to see your grandkids’ smiling faces; feelings are why Tom Brady chases another Super Bowl ring instead of retiring and resting comfortably on his laurels; feelings are why that troubled kid bullies your kid; and feelings are why your kid considered suicide as an option after being the object of a bully’s harassment. Feelings are why Nick Wallenda walks a tightrope across the Niagara and why your uncle attempts marriage again for the fifth time. And feelings are why Vietnam veterans will not talk about their time “in country.”
Let me tell you about three Vietnam veterans that I treated. All three had suffered severe and extremely traumatic experiences, resulting in symptoms of PTSD. As a reminder, your experiences may be less intense, but your mission remains the same: remember your story in detail, feel your feelings fully, express and release these feelings, and finally, reframe your story in a positive way that encourages you to thrive. These three gentlemen presented with powerful feelings that overwhelmed them. They were stuck in pain, shame, fear, and hopelessness. When we met, each man was living his life doing everything he could possibly do to avoid confronting and experiencing these feelings.
Trauma Is Maintained by the Avoidance of Feelings (Mr. Avoidance)
Johnny was a truly nice man, the kind of guy who if you needed something, he would be happy to help you if he could. He was a hard worker and a good father to his three daughters; he loved them and his wife with every fiber of his being. But nights were an endless source of hell for Johnny. He checked and rechecked his locked doors many times throughout the night and patrolled the house like a night watchman on the brink of a battle front. Even though his psychiatrist prescribed him enough Xanax to tranquilize a Clydesdale, when Johnny did go down to sleep, he didn’t go down for very long. You see, Johnny had a secret—something he had never told anyone—a secret that he carried with him for more than twenty years. Johnny’s secret involved the cruel treatment of a young Vietnamese girl who was captured, used for sexual gratification, and then blown to pieces for the entertainme
nt of three deranged men, all of whom were Johnny’s superiors. They threatened him and promised dire consequences if he told what he had witnessed, and he never breathed a word of it until he shared the story with me. Instead, he held onto the feelings, including his horror at witnessing something so inhumane and his rage at seeing how people cheapen human life. But perhaps the worst of Johnny’s feelings went beyond the horror of the rapes and murder. Johnny felt powerless, emasculated, ineffectual, and to borrow the word that was employed most often in his self-description, “cowardly.”
Johnny hated feeling as if he were less than a man. At work, no one knew why he had a propensity for volunteering for all the dangerous missions, seeing as how he had three young children. Somewhere in the back of Johnny’s mind was a death wish. He had decided against actively taking his life, as he loved his children and did not want to bring his shame upon them. Nonetheless, should he be killed in a dangerous mission at work, he thought that would be far less devastating to his children and would at last offer him the respite he so desired after losing his manhood in Vietnam. For Johnny to have any hope of being able to heal, he had to finally deal with those very deep-rooted feelings of shame, emasculation, and self-negation.
Dan had also served time in combat in Vietnam. His story was for more typical than Johnny’s, in that he had seen his best friend, or “brother” as he thought of him, be shot through his helmet and die in battle. Dan could only follow how he was trained to deal with such incidents, including staying down and firing back, and when appropriate, dragging his buddy’s body out of the heat of the battle and eventually back to where the medics could see to his lifeless body. Unfortunately for Dan, there was no time to process and feel his feelings, let alone work toward saying goodbye to his dear friend. What stayed with Dan for so many years was the following: after he heard the sound of the fatal bullet penetrating his buddies helmet, Dan could feel a gentle splattering on his right shoulder—his buddy’s brain—landing on him like the first heavy drops of a summer rain shower. There was no time, no opportunity, nor any protocol for saying goodbye to his buddy, let alone describing what it was like to have his brother-in-arms’ brains splatter on his shoulder. When he returned home, Dan didn’t speak of this traumatic incident until he began therapy with me.
Keep Pain in the Past Page 6
