Shame, which is what the clients in this chapter are experiencing, is the belief that you are bad. Elizabeth, Holly, and Ruth have become stuck in shame, the belief that they are bad or immoral for letting Jessie drown, or accidentally killing Tyler in a car accident, or neglecting children.
Think of it this way. If you’ve raised kids, you know that they will eat some “forbidden” cookies. When asked, “Did you eat those cookies I told you not to eat?”, they will say no, despite the smeared chocolate evidence on their impish faces. When do children tell these lies? When they feel shame! A researcher named Lawrence Kohlberg developed a model to explain moral development.48 He noted that young children are basically dichotomous: when they act bad, they feel bad, and acting good makes them feel good. In adulthood, you tend to hide the things that you are ashamed of. You typically don’t hear adults bragging about the third slice of cake they ate, public flatulence, missing their daughter’s piano recital, or relapsing on alcohol.
Enter Mr. Avoidance. When you are responsible for the abuse, neglect, death, torment, or negative feelings of another, the normal response is shame. Imagine the shame that the Ruths, Hollys, and Elizabeths of the world feel. You can appreciate how and why they actively avoid talking about these traumas. The importance that shame plays in the development and maintenance of trauma-related symptoms cannot be understated. Humans like to be liked. Shame is the belief that you are bad. People do not like talking about anything that they are ashamed of. This is where the steps of remember, feel, and express come into play heavily. You must remove your shame from the closet and expose it to the light of day by expressing it. Then and only then is healing even a possibility. Remember, shame, like traumatic memories, will never heal when hidden in the recesses of your mind.
The quote in the beginning of the chapter alludes to this thought process. “You’re only as sick as your secrets;” in other words, the shamefulness of alcohol abuse must be brought to the surface and exposed for all to see. Once it is exposed, then you have a choice to make regarding what to do with that shame. I’ll share two biblical stories to help illustrate this point.
Religion and Moral Injury
Religion—in my case biblical, nondenominational Christianity—was an influence in conceptualizing the Fritz. The biblical message, at least as I understand it, is that God loved sinful man enough to forgive him for all transgressions (King James Version). Old Testament forgiveness required a sacrifice of an animal to demonstrate contrition, including confession (admitting to the sinful behavior), repentance (doing a 180 degree turn away from sinful behavior), and making amends (trying to compensate somehow for the damages done). If God found the sacrifice and acts of contrition acceptable, the sins would be forgiven (i.e., let go, as if they had never happened).
With the New Testament came the story of Jesus, reported as the only begotten son of God, sinless in his own right, yet a willing sacrifice for all mankind. No longer was it necessary to sacrifice an animal, as Jesus was the Lamb of God, who in his sacrifice and subsequent resurrection took away the sins of the world.
In this same New Testament, there are several stories of men and forgiveness. Tax collectors Matthew and Zacchaeus were guilty of bilking the public of money for their own personal gain. Upon meeting Jesus, these two gentlemen not only confessed (admitted) to their crimes, they also repented from them (stopped) and made amends by compensating their victims four times as much money as they had stolen in an effort to reconcile the error of their ways. (Luke 19:1–10, King James Version.)
But there are two outstanding stories in the New Testament of gentlemen who mucked things up, big time. These gentlemen have unique stories and yet had remarkably different responses to their mistakes.
Judas Iscariot
Let’s begin with the consensus bad guy of the New Testament, Judas Iscariot. As many of you know, Judas was one of the twelve disciples of Jesus. On the evening of the “Last Supper,” Jesus reportedly prophesized that, “One of you will betray me” and then proceeded to toss a hunk of bread on Judas’ plate. (Matthew 26:21, King James Version.) Judas abruptly left the room, and according to the scriptures, he sold Jesus for thirty pieces of silver. And then, after evidently realizing the mistake he had made in betraying his master, Judas chose to hang himself.
Saul of Tarsus
Saul of Tarsus was yet another New Testament story of a guy who believed he had made huge mistakes. A Jewish Rabbi and a man of great influence, Saul was reportedly incensed by the new religious movement of the day, wherein followers of Jesus were proclaiming that they had seen their Lord risen from the dead. But Saul was having none of it—he reportedly was arresting these Christian zealots and jailing or killing them as fast as he could.
One day, as the story goes, Saul was heading to a town called Damascus when he was blinded by a great light. He also heard a voice asking, “Saul, why are you persecuting me?”
Saul responded, “Who are you?”
“It’s Jesus, whom you are persecuting,” said the voice, and the rest of the story is well known within Christianity. (Acts 9:3-9 King James Version.) Saul changed his name to Paul and proceeded to become the most prolific Christian missionary and PR guy of all time. Despite having been imprisoned himself, shipwrecked, and stoned nearly to death with rocks, Paul had a simple message he needed everybody to hear: “I am the chief of sinners, and yet I am forgiven.” The good news (gospel) is this: “You, too, can have your slate cleaned by a loving God through Christ His Son, and I intend to share this news with all people in the world.” And so, Paul wrote no fewer than thirteen Epistles (letters), which are included in the New Testament. Today, of course, he is known as Saint Paul, one of the most influential religious leaders of all time.
So, what’s my point? These were two men who had both screwed up mightily, at least in their own eyes. One of the men could not bear to face his guilt and shame and took his own life. The other man believed he was forgiven (and was therefore forgivable) and spent his days traveling the (known) world proclaiming the good news that if I can be forgiven, you can, too, because I am worse than you.
How does that translate 2000 years later into the lives of people who have committed wrong during a lifetime? Several important ideas can be gleaned from these two stories (even if religion isn’t for you). For one, there is a choice. You can stay stuck in the worst thing you’ve ever done. Whether you’ve stolen, committed infidelity, physically assaulted someone, neglected a loved one, or bullied a disabled kid, whatever it was, you may also choose self-forgiveness, à la Saul of Tarsus, and make the world a better place with your redemptive efforts.
Apologies Can Go a Long Way Toward Forgiveness
Dr. Aaron Lazare, a University of Massachusetts psychiatrist, wrote a landmark book, “On Apology,” explaining the importance of apologies in promoting healing, from global atrocities to personal affronts.49 He demonstrated that effective apologies require complete ownership of responsibility for the behavior by the offending party(ies). Of course, stating “I’m sorry” or “I was wrong” is often insufficient. Expressing remorse is also helpful, as is an explanation of the faulty thinking that existed at the time of the offense. Other potentially helpful aspects of an apology may include commitments that these behaviors will never happen again: “I am sober now and will never drive inebriated again,” or especially attempts at making amends: “Included in this letter is a check for $___ to pay for the repair of your fence.”
So, for those of you keeping score, a proper apology requires four things.
1.Complete ownership of whatever it is that you are responsible for, “no ‘buts’ or excuses allowed.”
2.A sincere and genuine, “I’m sorry.”
3.Repentance; discontinue the behavior that got you in trouble in the first place; do a 180-degree turn away from the offensive behavior.
4.Making amends, which includes repairing what is broken, fixing the prob
lem, etc.
Without these four elements, an apology typically falls short of its mark. Think about the spouse who repeatedly says, “I’m sorry, how many times do I have to say it!!” Well, without taking ownership of the misbehavior first, saying “I’m sorry” falls on deaf ears. The cheating spouse who apologizes for infidelity but then continues to cheat (not discontinuing the bad behavior) nullifies the apology. Apologies that are demonstrably sincere and accompanied by a change in behavior, however, are vital if one hopes to gain forgiveness from others.
But is self-forgiveness as simple as being sorry and turning away from your transgressions? Let’s return to the people you read about earlier in this chapter to learn just how they managed to make peace with the personal horrors that ended up destroying the lives of others and thus ruining their own lives.
Healing When We Are At Fault
Ruth
Ruth is the devastated grandmother of little Jessie, who drowned in her pool. As you know, guilt is used as insulation against saying goodbye to a loved one, especially a three-year-old child. And shame keeps this horrible tragedy hidden in the closet, away from the reality of what occurred. My approach to her horror story was to help her remember, feel, and express her sadness, guilt, and shame with me at great length. Her anguish was commensurate with the degree of her trauma. What can anyone say to assuage the terrible loss of a child, especially in the aforementioned manner? I continued to encourage her to express her emotions, with the hope of some semblance of release or at least a degree of acceptance of her loss.
Desperate to help her, I tried a Hail Mary pass; I suggested a guided imagery exercise where Ruth, a Jewish woman who believed in both a loving God and the promise of an afterlife, had the opportunity to meet one more time with her granddaughter. Again, I spoke for Jessica but included an angelic being who could communicate on behalf of the child. Again, I made it clear that death was the result of an accident, that God was punishing neither Ruth nor Ira and certainly not the child. No one needed to be holding grudges or blaming anyone, but God would use this accident to bring his people closer to him and would provide a blessing for all who trusted in him. Further, I spoke to Ruth about accepting the challenge of trusting that Jessie was with God and believing that she would be happy and that she was now in a place where she would never suffer any more pain or strife. She belonged to her Creator and was literally in the most peaceful of places. Once again, the message was to never forget Jessie, but not to use her memory to cast a shadow of sadness upon the family’s future. “Remember me as someone who brought you joy and not sorrow,” were the words spoken from Jessie’s angelic representative; “Please go and live in peace.”
The imagery was extremely emotional, as Ruth emptied half a box of Kleenex. I wanted to believe that was a sign of compliance with the procedure (as it almost always is) and an indication that she had been able to successfully visualize the meeting with Jessie.
What followed surprised me. Ruth said not a word for over three months, no appointments, no comments about the procedure, until one day she sent a card requesting that I perform a guided imagery process with her son, the young uncle of the deceased. With that written request was the following note:
“Guided imagery made the crying stop. It worked! I’m able to function and not have a breakdown. I feel really different! It worked—I can’t believe it. Thank you so much. I cried all day (previously)—it’s just different. I was a hard nut to crack; for you to get me to that point was amazing. Amazing!”
And within the next year and a half, Ruth had something else to share: Her daughter had another beautiful baby girl. Much like the story of Judas and Saul, this gift from God’s bounty provided her with an opportunity to either dive in and love again or withdraw for self-protection. What if something happened to the new baby? But after completing the guided imagery, Ruth approached this as an opportunity to love again; an opportunity not to forget about Jessie, but to love Jessie and her new granddaughter. From all indications, healing and self-forgiveness had taken place.
Holly
Let’s return to Holly, the young lady who lived through the incredible misfortune of driving her car out into the intersection where her brother was crushed by an oncoming truck. Stuck in perpetual shame, she was the perpetrator who had killed Tyler! Try to imagine what that must have felt like for her, to have killed the person you cherish most in this world. For me, there was no hesitation regarding the treatment plan. I knew I would request that Holly participate in a guided imagery exercise as soon as (A) she felt that she was safe with me and that I understood her pain and how that was so inextricably linked to her depression, and (B) she knew that she was ready to meet with Tyler again to finally bring some closure to his awful death.
After working to ensure that Holly was adequately relaxed and capable of visualizing the meeting between herself and Tyler, I allowed her to create the site where she and Tyler would meet. I instructed that she was allowed to hug and kiss him when she first laid eyes on him. After a long and tearful embrace, she released him and envisioned Tyler glowing. Still a handsome cherub, he had that same glow that Charlton Heston wore as Moses in “The Ten Commandments” after meeting God. In the guided imagery session, Tyler took charge of the meeting at first, allowing Holly to understand that his visit was by special permission, and that while he could not say a lot about where he was and what he was doing, he was very happy, busy, and surrounded by love. He told her that he knew that she loved him—she was an awesome big sister, and he felt adored by her, not bullied—and that he loved her just as much. He knew his death was an accident, nothing more, nothing less. She was no more a bad person than he was for falling off his bike or skateboard. It was an accident! He needed her to know that he wanted something from her. Tyler requested:
“I know that you have been hurting terribly since the day I died. Please understand that I never hurt—one moment I was in the car, and the next moment I was in a new body, in a place so beautiful, I can’t even describe it to you. I am not sad, I am not lonely, and most importantly, I am not angry at you. I am happy and busy, and everyone is loving!
I want to ask you to trust that I am very well and want for you to be well, too, Holly. You need to forgive yourself for the accident, as I forgive you. Listen, I can tell you this: One day, you will be here with me, but don’t ask me when. In the meantime, you have a life to live. Holly, it doesn’t feel good to me to think that I ruined your life. I want to believe that you are happy and living a meaningful life. Don’t get me wrong, sis, I want you to remember me, but as someone who brought you joy, not sorrow. I want you to get strength from my memory, not feel sick to your stomach every time you think of me. I want you to let me be here happily while you live the rest of your life happily as well, until it’s your time to come here. I will plan a big celebration for you when you arrive, but I’m guessing that won’t be for a long time. But know that it’s okay to stop crying for me—I think it’s about time that you are happy again too. Oh, and one more thing: Tell mom I love her also and that there are no curfews here! Thank you again, big sister, for being as awesome as you are. Now go and live your life in joy—all is good!!!”
A box of tissues and an embrace later, our exercise was completed—no longer unfinished business. The imagery technique was real to Holly, so real that she wanted only to believe all aspects of her visit with Tyler.
During the next session, she made two extremely validating comments; first, “I am truly at peace with Tyler. I tried several times, but I can’t even go into a dark place about it. It’s better.” Secondly, she said, “My mom wants to come in and do what we did. After all, it was her son.”
Although Holly may have indeed made an error in judgment while driving that morning, it is a forgivable mistake. Shame is a powerful poison that will erode people’s happiness, but forgiveness is an effective antidote. The guided imagery provided Holly with the opportunity to be forgiven by
her deceased brother, Tyler. And with that forgiveness, Holly could stop punishing herself with depression, guilt, and shame at the mere thought of her brother. Instead, she could live happily in Tyler’s honor, per his request.
Elizabeth’s Healing
Healing and forgiveness can start in various ways and take different paths to absolution. Following the death of her husband, Elizabeth began excessive alcohol use, the death of her daughter accelerated it, and it all culminated in her DUI conviction, where she was court-mandated to go to treatment. For Elizabeth, her “rock bottom” had been reached when she spent a month in jail. She then decided to comply with the treatment and chose a path toward healing that began with treatment. While her decision to stop drinking was influenced by the criminal conviction, ultimately, she had accepted that she had a problem with alcohol and decided to attend her first ever Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting. Her apology began with repentance (doing a 180 degree turn away from the behavior) when she discontinued drinking alcohol following her second DUI.
Elizabeth began the healing process while in jail. The thirty-day sentence had “sobered [her] up” through the very uncomfortable withdrawal period. But while there, she began to accept that she had “a real problem” with alcohol, and after getting out of jail, she complied with her probation, including abstinence and participation in AA. Elizabeth, like so many people in recovery, noted that “attending the AA meetings is helpful, but the real change in sobriety occurred when I found my sponsor and started working the twelve steps (of AA).” Enter the retired minister, a woman who Elizabeth explained had her own twenty-year history of alcohol abuse and now sponsored newcomers in AA. The woman told Elizabeth that volunteering as a sponsor was, for her, “living the twelve steps.”
Keep Pain in the Past Page 13
