They gazed into each other’s eyes again like they’d just been hypnotised. Although part of me wanted to throw up at how cringey it was, another, much larger part of me felt my heart melting.
They looked so happy. Madly in love.
They were so lucky.
I’d like to be that happy. For someone to look at me the way he looked at her.
I’d like to fall in love and have someone fall in love with me. To adore me.
I was happy for them both. Of course I was. But I was also envious. I was only human, after all. Why did I get ghosted and Stacey got a husband who was besotted with her? What was I doing wrong? Why wouldn’t a guy love me? Why couldn’t I find my Bobby? My very own Mr Right?
‘Oooh!’ said Stacey, glancing down at her watch as I snapped out of my thoughts. ‘It’s half past five. Clocking off time!’ She skipped over to her desk, shut down her computer, then grabbed her coat and bag. ‘See you tomorrow, Alex!’
‘It was nice to meet you.’ Bobby smiled warmly at me. ‘I’ve heard so many great things about you. Thanks for helping Stacey settle in so well here. It really means a lot. Enjoy your evening.’ He wrapped his arm around her waist and they headed out the door.
Could reading this book really help me find a gorgeous, kind and considerate partner like him?
Really?
I very much doubted it. But maybe, just maybe, I’d have another quick flick through it to see what this Laurie Love had to say for herself. You know, purely for research purposes only. And just to say I tried…
Chapter Five
Mind blown.
As much as I hated to admit it, this Laurie woman surprisingly seemed to make a lot of sense.
I’d only intended to skim through the book again. You know, glance at the first few pages, so that if Stacey asked me if I’d read it, I could quote a few sound bites to reassure her that she hadn’t wasted her money buying the book for me. But a few pages became ten and then twenty and then fifty, and before I knew it, I was on page 125 and as it was only 195 pages, it seemed silly to stop. I was tucked up in bed and it was a Friday night after all, so it wasn’t like I had to get up for work in the morning or anything.
Laurie started the book off by giving us an insight into her dating history. I thought I’d been dumped a lot, but reading her story made me feel like I wasn’t doing as badly as I thought. The guys she slept with didn’t even pretend not to be arseholes. They were literally out the door the second they chucked the condom into the bin.
The final straw came when she was visiting her grandmother to celebrate her eightieth birthday and received a text from a guy she was convinced was the one after dating him for six weeks (which was one of her longest relationships). He told her that he’d slept with someone else the night she’d gone away, and as this woman was not only a ‘freak’ in the bedroom, but also gave world-class BJs, he decided that she would be a better option for him than Laurie.
Can you believe that?
Anyway, unsurprisingly, Laurie broke down in front of her grandmother, who then encouraged her to explain why she was so upset. Not a woman to take being fobbed off, a generic ‘man trouble’ response wasn’t enough. Grandma wanted details. When Laurie reluctantly fessed up, her wise gran told her that the secret to securing a decent man was to follow the mantra: No Cock Without Commitment.
After she’d picked her jaw off the floor that her dear grandma had used the c-word, Laurie had listened intently to her wisdom. Most men, she explained, were happy to accept sex if it was offered to them, but if they didn’t have to do anything special to get the goodies and you hadn’t laid out any relationship expectations before you opened your legs, then you shouldn’t be surprised when you didn’t hear from them again (or they traded you in for woman with a master’s in fellatio).
Her grandma reckoned that instead of ‘fucking first and asking for commitment later,’ Laurie needed to apply the approach she’d used with her late husband. Start by taking time to know each other and establishing his intentions. Once you were sure that he was honourable and had fallen in love with you, then and only then should you consider ‘letting his train in your choo-choo.’
Laurie learnt a lot about her grandma that night, and although she was sceptical, she decided to take her advice. It hadn’t been easy, and it had taken plenty of willpower and cold showers to get through it, but after lots of failed dates, false starts and disappointments, she’d finally met a man that she loved, who’d fallen in love with her and had been willing to commit and wait for six months. They’d now been happily married for fifteen years. And she had her grandma walk her down the aisle, just two months before she passed away.
It was such an amazing story. At first I thought it was a little bit too amazing. Too sweet, too perfect. Well, you couldn’t blame me for being cynical. But Stacey was right. This woman did seem legit. As I held the book in one hand, I had my iPad in the other, googling her.
Firstly, I wanted to get to the bottom of this whole surname thing. Laurie openly explained that Love was just a nickname her clients had given her, so she’d started using it for work. Fair enough.
Next, I’d scrolled through pages upon pages of testimonials on her website and looked at all the photos of the happy couples that had followed her advice, which even included a few celebrities. A pop star who’d waited until marriage to sleep with her basketball-player husband, the supermodel who’d abstained from sleeping with her internet mogul boyfriend until he’d proposed…was it really feasible to have paid all of these people to endorse her? Not likely. She’d need to be a very rich woman.
So I read on. I was intrigued to find out what the steps were, to see if it was as straightforward to follow as she’d made it seem.
Step One was all about acceptance. Understanding why you were embarking on the journey.
If you’re tired of being ghosted or benched or zombied or treated like you’re not worthy of love, then this book is for you. You have more to offer than what’s between your legs. You are worthy. You are lovable. You deserve more. You deserve to be loved.
It was like she had been spying on me and had somehow infiltrated my brain. How did she know that was how I was feeling? That I always felt worthless and like I was never good enough to be loved? Everyone at work thought I was confident, just because I always hit my sales targets. But when it came to men, forget it. I was the poster girl for insecurities. Was it any wonder, when I’d never had a relationship that had lasted more than a few months? How embarrassing was that? As the common denominator was me, it must be because I was so flawed.
I could feel myself welling up. It was always painful to think about this.
Don’t cry! I told myself. Listen to Laurie and repeat: I am worthy. I am lovable. I am worthy. I am lovable. I am worthy. I am lovable…
I was hoping that if I said it enough out loud, I would start to believe it. If only it was that simple.
Deep breath. Focus. Back to the book and the other key points mentioned.
As well as the importance of self-love, which I would definitely need to work on, Laurie also outlined dozens of benefits of waiting. Firstly, it helped you stay sane. She explained that sex literally fucks everything up in a woman’s mind. Once we give up the goodies, our bodies release a ‘love hormone’ called oxytocin, which gets us hooked on the guy and sends us doolally. That’s why we start obsessing over them, checking our phones every two seconds to see if they’ve messaged whilst we blinked and desperately trying to translate their texts and conversations to uncover an often-imaginary deeper meaning.
Whereas if we don’t have sex, our minds can stay calm. By waiting, we can get to know a guy first to see if our personalities click, and then we can see whether they’re really interested in us or just what’s in our knickers. It weeds out the fuck you then chuck you guys, so we can focus on the ones worth giving ourselves to—the ones that like us enough to commit to a long-term relationship.
Step Two talked about ‘visualisati
on and goals.’ What did you want to achieve? Love? Marriage? When you visualised your dream man or future husband, what qualities did you see (their physical appearance should be a low priority, so that’s a no to Tom Hardy or Idris Elba lookalikes, then…).
This step was also about establishing your deal-breakers. Asking yourself, what were the qualities you couldn’t tolerate? I’d have to have a good think about that.
Step Three outlined the groundwork. Laurie said we were the boss of our own love lives and likened the process of finding Mr Right to a CEO looking for a business partner. If you were hiring for the position of boyfriend or future husband, after drawing up a job spec (your goals), you’d put the feelers out to recruitment agencies (dating apps) and headhunters (friends). Then, once you had a list of potential candidates, you’d set up the interviews (dates).
So the groundwork process here was updating your online profile, encouraging people you knew (aka headhunters) to set you up with their single friends and being more open to opportunities in real life. For example, smiling at the guy on the tube, chatting to the friendly man in the supermarket queue…that bit sounded slightly weird, but anyway, the point was to try and set up as many dates with potential ‘candidates’ as possible.
Step Four was the first interviews. Laurie advised against ‘overscreening.’ Whilst she didn’t condone going out with total nutjobs, she stressed that placing too much of an emphasis on looks and sticking to ‘your type’ would be buying yourself a ‘one-way ticket to Single City’ and explained that often, we ended up with someone completely different to who we would have imagined for ourselves.
Again, this was something I would need to work on. I always went for the same men. Tall, dark and handsome. I think it’s because it gave me a sense of validation. If a hot guy was attracted to me, then it meant I was good enough. That I must be at least a little bit pretty, otherwise they wouldn’t even consider me. But it was a catch-22, because when they chose me, I was elated, but when they left me, I felt shitty. It was like they’d realised I wasn’t good enough after all, or found someone prettier than me. I knew I should believe in myself more, but I just didn’t know how to. Somehow I had to realise that I couldn’t keep repeatedly picking Mr Wrong and expecting a different result. Easier said than done, though…
As finding the right candidate was a numbers game, Laurie reckoned the more dates, the better. Her reasoning was that a CEO looking for a partner wouldn’t just give the position to the first stranger that applied. They’d host an extensive round of interviews with multiple candidates. Dating, she reasoned, was no different. With no nookie involved, we should be free to date as many guys as we could. Seemed logical, I supposed.
Step Five was about the survival of the fittest. Laurie advised continuing to shop around and hosting multiple interviews with multiple candidates to get a shortlist of the top three suitors, then top two, until you found the one who treated you the best and showed that he was ready to commit.
Top three? Talk about wishful thinking. Finding one decent guy would be a major miracle, never mind finding two or three. Hilarious! Okay, Laurie. Whatever you say, love.
Laurie said that guys were also likely to be ‘attending other interviews’ during the early months, but once the final selection had been made and you committed to him, you should expect him to also make you his one and only.
Step Six talked about ‘probation and padlocking’. Every job has a probationary period, so whilst you got to know each other, you also needed to continually assess whether the candidate was indeed the one. And a key way to help determine this was to keep your pussy padlocked for at least six months.
Well, I’ve already shared my thoughts on this step. I understood the benefits of holding out, but there was no way I could see a guy waiting half a year to get his leg over with me. Then again, some people swear that aliens and unicorns exist, so if that’s possible, then maybe I could find a guy who would wait too? Nope. Still not really convinced. I probably had a better chance of coming home to see both a unicorn and a little green man chilling on my sofa sharing a bowl of popcorn and a bottle of beer than this abstinence stuff working. But I’d do my best to go along with Laurie’s suggestion…God help me.
Finally, Step Seven discussed the appraisal and grand opening. This was where Laurie talked about evaluating your man’s performance over the six-month period. If it measured up to your original goals and you felt ready, then and only then should you allow his key to open your treasure chest and declare the position of future husband permanently filled.
If this imaginary Mr Right fulfilled my original goals and successfully made it to six months, I wouldn’t just let his key open my treasure chest, I’d give him a giant medal and a fancy embossed certificate and commission a solid gold sculpture of his dick to honour his willpower too. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. That actually had to happen first, which was as likely as the unicorn relaxing on my sofa asking me if I wanted to jump on its back and have a ride through the sky to a five-star, all-expenses-paid holiday in Bali. Dream on.
Laurie certainly had a way with words. As if to underscore that point, there was also a chapter summarising the key rules, all outlined in her colourful language:
THE RULES
Just say NO to:
Seeking Out Studs: Pretty guys may be good to look at, but you’re seeking a soul mate, not an ornament for your mantelpiece. Forget choosing style over substance. Hunky hotties have a tendency to break your heart, so unless they have a personality that’s as beautiful as their jawline, avoid them like the plague.
Rebound Relationships: Avoid guys who have come out of a relationship of a year or longer less than six months ago. They’ll need time to get their shit together, and by waiting, you can be more confident they’re not using you to make their ex jealous and won’t jump back in the sack with them again.
Coming Before Commitment: No dicks after dinner. Buying you a drink or steak and fries does not give him an instant all-access pass inside your knickers. Don’t put out until he proves he’s into you.
D.I.Y.: Take your hands out of your panties and put that vibrator back in its box. Masturbation keeps your desires running high, and we need to keep them low, so no doing you or him.
Going Downtown: The only things that should go in your mouth for the next six months are food, drink and your toothbrush. Strictly no dicks or balls allowed.
Tongue: Ditto. Kissing with tongues is a gateway drug. One minute his tongue is in your mouth, next thing it’s licking your nipples and, before you know it, circling your clit. No cunnilingus until commitment.
Coffee: No coming upstairs for coffee, tea or anything else on your menu. You’re not a sick patient waiting for the doctor to call, so no home visits. Date in public places only.
Netflix: Netflixing and chilling leads to rolling on the sofa and screwing. If you really want to see a film, watch it alone or with your girlfriends, or go to a busy cinema. And remember, sex in public places is illegal. Ask yourself, are a few minutes of pleasure really worth getting arrested?
Say Hell Yes to:
Extensive Interviews: Dating multiple candidates.
Public Dating: Being in public places will help you avoid temptation (and no—slipping off to the bathroom together does not count as a public place).
Being Treated Like a Lady: Let a man be a man. Let him take you out, pay for dinner and drinks, open doors for you and pull out your chair.
Comfortable Underwear: Closing your gate to visitors is the perfect excuse to pack away those thongs and embrace wearing your biggest, most comfortable, least attractive panties, which also means no G-string chafing. Happy days!
Remaining Upright at All Times Whilst in a Man’s Company: And just in case you were wondering, that doesn’t mean getting jiggy against the wall or in the shower…
Gym Workouts: A good session releases the same hormones as sex so will give you the high of an orgasm without the lows of being dumped, ghosted, etc.
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br /> Saying no, no, and no again and again until it’s love, engagement, marriage or whatever your goal is.
Fuck. That certainly was an extensive set of rules.
I read over the list again, trying to take it all in.
So, Laurie, let me get this straight: not only are you telling me I’m not allowed to sleep with a guy for six months, but I also can’t kiss him properly and he’s not even allowed to go down on me?
WTF?
That took me all the way back to my early teenage years of only getting to first base. But I wasn’t a teenager; I was a hot-blooded woman with needs!
And then, if that wasn’t bad enough, I couldn’t even please myself? Give me a break! I’d just spent £54.99 of my hard-earned cash on a brand-new waterproof vibrator with five speeds and six vibration patterns, and now I wouldn’t be able to make use of it? This woman was a sadist.
And what was with her controversial opinions? Some of Laurie’s views were politically incorrect and anti-feminist, and she generalised a lot about both men and women, as if we were all clones rather than individuals with different traits and personalities.
But at the same time, if I forced myself to try and look at it more calmly and with a level head, I supposed a lot of it rang true. It was as if she had scanned through my back catalogue of dating disasters, as I was guilty of doing literally every single one of the things on the Just Say No list. So if I did go through with it, to say this would be a challenge would be putting it mildly.
She’d certainly given me food for thought. Whilst I had been dead against this whole thing when Stacey had first mentioned it, after meeting her husband and reading the book, I’ll admit, I was warming to the idea. Best not to make any rash decisions just yet, though. Particularly when I was tired. I’d mull it over this weekend. As Laurie herself said, act in haste, repent at leisure, so just as she advised taking your time before jumping into bed with a guy, I needed to think more about jumping into this challenge. Because the last thing I wanted to do was to make a decision that I would later regret.
Only When It's Love: A Chick Lit, Romantic Comedy Novel: Holding Out For Mr Right Page 3
