Whilst my sly chest and arm caressing might have scraped a PG-13 classification at best, the thoughts racing through my mind would most definitely be deemed X-rated. I was imagining all sorts of things that I wanted him to do to me on this love seat. Oh God…I stand corrected. Laurie was right. The more Miles French-kissed me, the more accurate her description of kissing with tongues being like a gateway drug became. With every flick, I fantasised about where I wanted to feel it next: licking my earlobes, then my neck, trailing across my chest and around my nipples, heading down past my belly button and circling my clit over and over again. Fuck. Just the thought of it made me want to explode.
‘Erm…sir…madam…?’ said a voice I didn’t recognise. Miles pulled away slowly. When we looked up, the young waiter was clutching our plates, and from what I could make out from the low lighting, he was looking very embarrassed. I knew I should probably feel bad about us snogging each other’s faces off in the backseat like a couple of horny teenagers, but the sensations pulsing through me had kicked all my inhibitions to the kerb.
‘Sorry to, um…interrupt,’ whispered the waiter. ‘Two fish and chips?’
‘Thanks.’ Miles took both plates and passed one to me. The waiter quickly headed back outside. ‘Well,’ he said softly, ‘that was very enjoyable.’
‘It certainly was,’ I replied, pecking him on the lips again, desperate to continue.
‘What are you doing to me?’ he groaned, stroking my cheek. ‘Maybe it’s good that the food came when it did. Five minutes longer and we might have given that poor waiter a heart attack!’ I burst into laughter. I couldn’t help it.
‘Ssshhh!’ said someone a few rows in front. So much for saying we practically had the place to ourselves.
‘I guess we better try and watch the film,’ I whispered. ‘Although I haven’t the faintest idea what’s been happening.’
‘Me neither. On second thoughts, why stop our fun? I’m sure the waiter’s seen worse than a couple of people kissing. As we’ve already missed half of it, I suggest that after we finish our food, we get back to making our own film. Can’t have a romcom without a long passionate first kiss.’
‘But that was our first kiss,’ I said.
‘Oh, Alex. That was just our dress rehearsal.’ He kissed my neck. ‘Just the warm-up. Wait until we start the kissing scene for real…’
We were now at Tooting Bec station and heading towards my house. Dangerous, I know. Especially after our mega-making-out cinema session. Miles wasn’t joking. He really was just warming up. As well as receiving a trophy for restraining ourselves, Miles deserved some kind of internationally recognised award for best kisser in the universe. In fact, I was surprised I’d even made it this far, what with my knees turning completely to jelly. He only had to look at me and the tidal waves started again.
He’d left his glasses off too, which only made him harder to resist. God, those eyes. Those lips. In fact, everything.
‘So, Alex, we’ve been to the cinema, the zoo, and bowling, which, as we’ve established, isn’t one of your strengths…’
‘Oi!’ I protested, squeezing his arm. (I’d find any excuse. Couldn’t help myself.) ‘I just had an off day, that’s all.’
‘I know, I know,’ he teased. ‘I believe you…but I was wondering if you’d like to try another activity tomorrow night, that I’m confident we could both excel at? A wine-tasting class?’
Shit. Tomorrow night? I’ve got a date with Luke. Dammit. And that would have been right up my street, too.
‘Um, wine-tasting sounds amazing. I mean, I love my wine, and maybe that would help me to venture out of my White Zinfandel comfort zone for a change. So it’s a brilliant idea, in fact, perfect for me, but it’s just that I, I can’t tomorrow night, I’m afraid.’
Gutted.
‘Oh right, okay,’ said Miles, looking down at the pavement before meeting my eyes again. ‘I know it’s short notice. It’s just that I was looking it up at lunchtime and saw they had a couple of cancellations, so I thought I’d mention it. Never mind.’
‘Really sorry.’ My stomach plummeted.
There was a silence. We crossed the street and turned into my road. We’d never really had a silence like that before. We always naturally moved from one conversation to the next. It was always so effortless. But for the first time ever, things felt weird. Awkward.
‘Actually,’ said Miles as he stopped dead in the street. ‘Can I ask you something?’
Miles stared straight into my eyes. Oh no. He was looking very serious. I wondered what he was thinking.
‘Su-sure,’ I replied nervously.
‘I just wondered…’ He shifted on his feet a little. Like he was searching for the right words. My heart started pounding, anxious about what was about to fall out of his mouth. ‘I wondered, are you just dating me, or are you seeing someone else? Other guys too?’
Oh.
I guessed it had to come sooner or later. I would have preferred later, but Laurie had touched on this on the book. She’d said not to raise it voluntarily, as guys would probably expect that a woman would be keeping her options open in the beginning. I guessed I just had to be straight with him, then hope and pray that he would understand.
I took a deep breath, reached out to hold his hands and retained eye contact.
‘To answer your question honestly, yes, I am currently seeing other guys. But I just go on dates, you know, drinks and dinner. Nothing more.’
‘I see.’ His face fell.
Although I wasn’t supposed to, I felt really bad.
‘I thought so,’ he said solemnly. ‘I’m sure a woman like you has got men throwing themselves at her feet.’ I was tempted to laugh and say as if, but kept quiet. ‘It’s just that I’d prefer to date someone exclusively. It’s less complicated that way.’
Tell me about it.
I wanted to jump up and say, So would I. Because it was true. I really would.
‘So,’ he added, ‘would you consider it? Dating me exclusively?’
Boom.
The million-dollar question.
In one sense, I was relieved we were having this conversation. Firstly, now it was all out in the open, maybe I’d feel less guilty about seeing Luke as I would no longer be hiding it. Secondly, because exclusivity did indicate that he was at least considering the possibility of taking things to the next level. And thirdly because, given how much we’d been making out at the cinema, coupled with the fact that we were now on date number four, I thought that like Luke, he’d want to move things on and sleep together, which would mean having to explain the whole sex thing. But was answering the exclusivity question harder?
There was no doubt about it. I liked Miles. In fact, whilst I was trying not to get carried away with my emotions, somehow like didn’t feel strong enough a word to describe the feelings that were building for him. Especially after tonight. But I was torn. Because I also liked Luke, and the book said that the time when you’re feeling strongly for one guy or another is the time that you should continue the multi dating, not stop it. I had to stick with it until one of them stepped forward and committed to me. Properly. Not just hinted at it. They needed to make their intentions clear and firm. There could be no doubt. I couldn’t risk dropping one too soon.
‘I just need a bit more time, please, Miles,’ I said softly. ‘I’m trying to take things slowly. I don’t want to rush into anything until I’m sure.’
He paused.
‘I understand that you have to do what’s best for you,’ he said as we stood facing each other. His face was still solemn. Serious. I couldn’t fully read it. What was he thinking? Feeling? Disappointment, yes. That was clear. But what else?
My mind, on the other hand, was racing. Like it was competing for gold in the Overthinking Olympics. Desperately hoping Miles wasn’t going to say he wanted to stop seeing me. Now he knew I was dating other men—well, technically there was only really Luke now—would Miles still be prepared to carry on?
I wanted to ask, but I was terrified.
I had to, though, didn’t I? I knew it would be hard and I might not like what I heard, but I had to bite the bullet and pose the question.
Here goes.
‘So…are you okay to still see me, then? For us to continue?’
There I did it. It’s out there. And now we await his response.
He broke my gaze and there was more silence. A long silence. Has twenty-four hours just passed? That was how it felt, but it was probably just a few seconds.
‘I’ll be honest. After tonight, I think I’m going to find it hard to handle the idea of you dating me and other guys at the same time…’
My stomach plummeted. I didn’t want to lose him. I adored Miles. I loved every single second I spent with him. But now that I’d come this far, I couldn’t risk putting all of my eggs in one basket without being sure that I was making the right decision.
‘Oh…I…I…understand,’ I’d stuttered.
‘However,’ he continued, ‘I would like to continue seeing you…’
Thank you, Jesus!
I was about to do the Carlton dance in my head, then something told my excitement to wait. His sombre facial expression was telling me there was a but coming.
‘For the moment,’ he continued. ‘But I also have to do what feels right for me too. I guess we’ll just have to see how things go, but think about it, okay?’
‘I will, Miles. I will.’ Thank goodness. Something told me I wasn’t out of the woods yet though.
We stood there again, just staring at each other. No doubt both of our minds whirring with thoughts and questions. To break the silence, I reached in my bag and got out my keys. ‘Well, this is me,’ I said, gesturing towards my house.
‘Oh, right. It looks lovely. Let me walk you to your gate.’
We crossed the road and then stood outside my door.
‘Thank you so much for a wonderful evening. I had a great time.’
‘Me too.’ He kissed me gently on the forehead. ‘Goodnight.’
‘Goodnight,’ I said, stepping inside.
I watched him walk away, closed the door, leant against it, then slid down onto the floor and squeezed my eyes shut.
Of course I was relieved that I was still dating two guys that I liked and who really liked me, which was amazing. More than I’d ever thought was possible when I’d started this challenge. But a huge wave of trepidation also washed over me. Yes, Miles and I would continue to see each other, but like he’d said, he was fine ‘for the moment,’ and he ‘had to do what felt right’ for him, which meant I was on borrowed time and that, like me, he’d also be keeping his options open. And surely it wouldn’t be long before Luke asked me if I was seeing other guys too.
Oh God.
I knew I had to keep doing what I was doing and carry on seeing Miles and Luke. I got that. I really did. But at the same time, after tonight, I was more aware than ever that I was treading a very fine line. And if I didn’t get the balance exactly right or waited too long before making my choice, rather than ending up with the one, I could quite easily lose them both and end up with none.
Chapter Sixteen
‘Wow! Is it your birthday?’ asked Stacey as she walked into the kitchen and handed me a massive bouquet of flowers.
‘Are these for me?’ I twirled it around, looking at the stunning display of yellow roses and white lilies.
‘They are indeed. Lucky lady!’
‘No one’s ever sent me flowers before! I wonder who they’re from?’
I plucked the white envelope from the arrangement, pulled it open and scanned the message. ‘They’re from Miles!’
‘What a sweetie!’ squealed Stacey. ‘What does the card say?’
‘“Thank you for an amazing date. The fourth scene was even better than the first, second and third. Our romcom is shaping up nicely. Looking forward to seeing you soon, Miles x.” Awww, that’s so lovely.’
I was a bit surprised, though. After the awkward exclusivity slash multi-dating talk, I’d thought Miles would pull back a little.
‘It’s on, baby!’ Stacey rubbed her hands together.
‘What is?’
‘The battle for your heart has begun!’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well,’ she said, pulling out a stool and sitting down, ‘didn’t you say that when you went out with Miles yesterday, the main reason the whole multi-dating conversation came up was because he asked if he could see you tonight?’
‘Yeah…’
‘Well, I reckon after last night, Miles realised this is a battle to win your affections, and so he wants you to know that he’s a worthy contender. He clearly knew you had a date lined up with his competitor and thought he might not be taking you out tonight, but he wanted to make sure that he was still firmly in your thoughts. That’s why he arranged for a beautiful bouquet to be delivered to you just before you went out with someone else. Smart.’
‘Mmm,’ I said as I sat down to join Stacey. ‘Yes, I didn’t think of it like that. It’s so hard, though. I know it’s hypocritical, but now that he’s aware that I’m dating someone else, I think it may lead him to do the same, whereas up until now, I get the impression he was only seeing me. I really like him, but as he said himself, it’s early days. We’ve only had four dates. Then again, that didn’t stop Luke. He started speaking about marriage almost immediately, which is ultimately what I’d like.’
‘Well, who’s to say Miles doesn’t want that too? Normally if a guy talks about exclusivity, it’s because he’s thinking long-term.’
‘Yeah,’ I said, resting the flowers on the kitchen counter beside me, ‘but he didn’t say that explicitly. And even if he did, I don’t want to just be someone’s long-term girlfriend. I want them to love me and to want to marry me. Miles makes me feel amazing. I feel so happy when I’m with him, but what if I stop seeing Luke to go exclusive with Miles and then I find out that he wants to wait ten years before proposing or his idea of long-term is a year or two? I want more than that. I’d like to find someone who wants us to be together for the rest of our lives.’
‘So talk to him.’ Stacey rested her hand on top of mine reassuringly. ‘Find out more about what he’s looking for. Didn’t he mention marriage and kids when you went to the zoo? Pretty sure I remember you saying that’s what he said he wanted.’
‘He did, but he was talking generally. He just said “one day”. He didn’t say when, so like I said, for all I know that could be in the next decade. Nor did he say that he wanted that with me. Luke was more specific.’
‘Hmm, true, but remember that actions speak louder than words, and Miles’ actions with these flowers are saying: choose me. Let’s see how Luke reacts when he sees them.’
‘What do you mean sees them?’
Just as Stacey was about to reply, she spotted Sue and Neville walking towards the door and raised her eyebrows to indicate we’d need to vacate the kitchen to continue our conversation privately. Unlike the mornings, where we could chat for a few minutes before Steve did his 9 a.m ‘are you at your desk yet?’ swoop, at lunchtime and after 5 p.m, it was always busier.
We slipped through the door of a nearby stairwell and sat on the steps, glancing upwards to see if anyone was coming down. The coast was clear. For now, anyway.
‘So come on, then. What did you mean when you said when Luke sees them?’ I frowned. ‘That doesn’t make sense.’
‘I meant when you walk into the bar with a bouquet of flowers that Luke didn’t send you. I can’t wait to see his face!’
Never mind Luke’s face. My face was currently more creased than a pair of linen trousers.
‘I’m not taking the flowers with me on my date with Luke. That’s ridiculous!’
‘Are you crazy?’ Stacey rolled her eyes. ‘You absolutely must take the flowers on your date! You need to see how Luke reacts. See if it makes him up his game. We need to know that he’s up for the challenge. That he’s willing
to fight for your heart. See if he’ll go hard or go home.’
Hmmm. I thought it over for a second.
‘I hear what you’re saying but…’ I just wasn’t sure. I hadn’t seen Luke for almost two weeks as he’d had that conference thing and other stuff on at work, so to rock up to our first date in ages with flowers from another guy felt wrong somehow.
‘You don’t really have a choice anyway, Alex. If you leave them in the office, they’ll be gone by tomorrow morning. I can guarantee it. I left a bag of sweets on my desk last night, and sure enough they were nowhere to be found when I got in. Do you think our light-fingered colleagues, the cleaners or whoever steals our stuff won’t take one look at that bouquet and bring it home with them?’
‘Well, it’s a lot bigger and harder to steal than a little bag of sweets, so…’
‘Where there’s a will, there’s a way. That would easily fit into a large carrier bag or a box. It’s not difficult for a determined thief.’
We heard heavy footsteps coming down the stairs, so got up to walk back to our desks.
‘Point taken. Okay. I’ll take the flowers on the date with me. I bet Luke will be thrilled to see them.’
‘I’m pretty sure that he won’t.’ She grinned mischievously. ‘But he seems like a competitive guy, so this might be just the thing to encourage him to take more affirmative action.’
‘You might be right. Okay, beautiful bunch of flowers,’ I said, glancing down at the bouquet and making a mental note to message Miles on the way to say thank you. ‘We’d better get ourselves together. We’ve got a date to go to.’
Chapter Seventeen
‘How very modern of you,’ said Luke, glancing at the flowers as I sat down on the deep purple banquette seating at a bar in Piccadilly. He looked handsome as always in a dark suit, matching waistcoat and white shirt. ‘It’s always nice to receive flowers. In this age of equality, why shouldn’t a woman show appreciation to a man? It’s very sweet of you, Alexandra.’
Only When It's Love: A Chick Lit, Romantic Comedy Novel: Holding Out For Mr Right Page 13
