‘Excellent idea. It’s been ages since you’ve been, and I know how much you used to enjoy your classes. A gym session will help you burn off calories and frustration too.’
‘I’m over it. Ever since Luke’s crude comments, I’ve barely thought about sex. He’s put me off. But, yes, a workout is just the thing I need. Then I will go home, pop in and see Audrey, as I haven’t seen her for a while, and then I’ll start some job hunting. I don’t like the sound of the changes they’re planning to make to the company and how my role is going to be affected. I think maybe it’s time for me to try something new. Have a fresh start.’
I exhaled and stood up straighter. I felt better already.
‘That’s the spirit! Give yourself a purpose and then trust in the universe. What will be will be,’ said Stacey.
‘Well, the universe hasn’t been good to me so far. Not when it comes to men, anyway. But no matter. No more obsessing over guys. I’m going to start focusing on loving myself for a change.’
‘Great! Don’t completely give up hope on love or trusting the universe, though. Even if it hasn’t worked for you before, there’s always a first time. You’ve come this far.’
‘I’ll try my best. I’m ten and a half weeks in, and even though there doesn’t seem to be much point in carrying on with this challenge now that I have zero male prospects on the horizon, I’ll stick with it anyway. Keep myself busy, keep an open mind, and yeah, whatever. I guess I’ll continue to leave my fate in the hands of the universe. God only knows what it has in store for me next.’
Chapter Twenty-Four
I put on my fluffy pink dressing gown and flopped onto the bed.
That was a great session and very productive for a Monday too. Apart from Saturday, I’d been to the gym almost every night these past two weeks, and it was working wonders. I felt and looked so much better.
I’d got myself into a good routine. I would go to the gym straight after leaving the office, work out for an hour, shower, come home, make a light salad for dinner and then chill with Cuddles in bed.
On Saturday, I took a day off from the gym, and after I’d finished the housework, I’d popped round to Audrey’s for lunch and stayed for a few hours. Then I’d come home, put on a face mask, turned on some soft music, sat in the bath and just relaxed. Then yesterday, I’d made myself a lovely brunch—homemade pancakes with lots of fresh fruit—gone for a leisurely walk around Tooting Common, and returned home to chill on the sofa for a bit before heading off out to the gym again.
After that conversation with Stacey in the park, it was like a switch had gone off in my head. My mindset had changed. I needed to start taking better care of myself. Appreciate my worth more. The book had definitely helped me with that. Before I’d read it, I’d thought I wasn’t even worthy of love. I didn’t dare believe I could have a loving relationship. Now I knew that I was and I could. I was lovable. I was worthy. There was nothing wrong with me. I had lots to offer the right guy. I was kind and caring, and I deserved better than the likes of Luke.
I’d also made some changes to my appearance. Rather than always worrying about how I thought I needed to look to be considered attractive by men and everyone else, I began focusing on what made me feel happy and beautiful. Starting with my hair.
Last weekend, I’d made an appointment at the salon to get my extensions taken out. And this time I didn’t get them put back in. Instead, I got my natural hair, which was now hovering just above my shoulders, cut into a cute pixie crop, and I’d never felt freer and more beautiful. It took next to no time to style in the morning and I’d received compliments from lots of people at work. But that wasn’t the point. The important thing was that I absolutely loved it. It had been a real turning point for me, learning that I shouldn’t rely on others for approval.
Affection from my parents, or a man or the world, was secondary. The onus was on me, not them or a book, to value myself. I had to love me first before I could expect someone else to.
I wished I’d been brave enough to stick with shorter hair when I’d cut it last time, instead of believing that I had to have long, glossy hair to get a man. If a guy was only going to be into me because I had extensions down to my arse, then frankly he wasn’t worth having.
Ditto for make-up. When I thought about how much time I used to spend piling it on to go to the gym just in case I might meet someone, it made my skin crawl. My pores must have been more clogged than a blocked drain. No wonder I used to get breakouts. Well, no longer. I’d started to let my skin breathe more, and already it was looking much better. I’d started removing make-up before I worked out, I no longer wore fake lashes, and I was also trying to learn to be more comfortable in my own skin and not give two hoots what anyone else thought. It wouldn’t happen overnight, but on Saturday morning I even opened the door to the postman without any slap on, and that was a big deal for me. Baby steps.
New hair called for a new wardrobe too. I’d finally managed to push Mum’s toxic views about how men expected women to dress out of my mind. Why shouldn’t I wear trousers if I wanted to? I’d gone out and bought three pairs along with some loose blouses, jogging bottoms for the gym (which unsurprisingly were a lot more comfy than those tight leggings I always wore), plus a pair of flats and some cool Chelsea boots. Not a stiletto heel in sight.
I’d cut back on watching the romcoms and now just treated myself to one or two a week. Instead, I had been using my time in bed snuggled up with Cuddles to research the next phase of my future.
I had decided that I couldn’t waste any more of my life doing something I hated. I wanted a job that I loved. Something that would make me excited to get up in the mornings. Something that I could feel passionate about. That would really make a difference. Obviously, I still needed to pay the bills, but with it just being me, with no kids to support, as long as I could cover my mortgage, had money for food and general expenses, plus had some left over to pay for the gym and occasional treats, that was enough. Saving the hundreds of pounds I’d normally spend on extensions every couple of months would certainly help. And anyway, I’d reached the point where I would much rather earn a little less if it meant I’d be happier overall.
I still hadn’t quite worked out what this dream job could be, but the fact was, I’d started the process. Scouring job sites each night was a start. If I kept reading various descriptions of different roles that were available, eventually I’d find something that caught my eye. I was sure of it.
I’d also become much better at resisting temptation. Over the weekend whilst I was watching a film, my phone had pinged. Of course, I’d got excited, hoping it was Miles. It wasn’t. I couldn’t believe the name that had popped up on my screen. No, not Luke. I’d deleted his number immediately that awful night. It was Connor. Bloody Connor. Unbelievable. That guy rose from the dead so much, he should have been given the lead role in a zombie film.
Three months ago, I would have been sucked in. Thought there was no harm in replying to his predictable ‘Hey’ message. I would have opened the dialogue, which would have resulted in him saying he missed me and asking if he could come over or inviting me over to his. And I would have resisted in my head but eventually given in, only to find myself in his bed and getting ghosted again a few days later.
I’ll admit, I did consider it. For a second. I was lonely. Still missing Miles. Wondering whether there was any point in continuing this challenge. But then, I’d said no way. No way was I going back to that again. All the worry, the disappointment, the fretting about messages, the wondering why he didn’t like me enough to stick around.
No fucking way.
Been there. Done that. No going back.
So I sat down on my bed, clicked on Connor’s contact info in WhatsApp and then blocked him.
Actually, I’d thought, why not just delete his number altogether like I’d done with Luke’s?
So that’s what I did. I said goodbye once and for all to Connor and I felt a million times better and str
onger.
Although of course I still missed Miles like crazy, I’d made my peace with the situation. If he’d chosen Gabriella, then there was nothing I could do about it. Yes, she was beautiful, but whilst I was sure she was intelligent, from what I’d seen of her personality, she was far from beautiful on the inside. If Miles valued a pretty shell more than someone like me who might not come in perfect packaging but who had a kind heart and who loved him, then it was his loss.
Yes, that’s right. I loved him. I realised that now. Which sadly meant it would take even longer to get over him. Although if I’d slept with him, it surely would have been much worse. The release of oxytocin could have bonded me to him for years. At least I had that to be thankful for, I guess. Who am I kidding? A lifetime probably wouldn’t be long enough to get over him. Miles was special. The one that got away. It hurt like hell. I felt with every fibre of my being that he was the one for me. I was gutted, but what could I do? It was too late now. That ship had sailed. I couldn’t waste any more of my life worrying about what ifs.
Maybe one day I’d have a happily-ever-after, and if I did, I’d be better for it because at least now I had learnt to love myself for the first time in my life. Until that day did or didn’t come, I had to find a way to accept that it was just me and Cuddles now. As difficult as it was, I’d much rather be a single, sexually frustrated, stereotypical cat lady than waste my days and nights obsessing over someone who didn’t want me, or go back to engaging in a series of empty, meaningless encounters, getting my head fucked over repeatedly.
I climbed under the covers. Cuddles was having a catnap beside me. She looked sooooo adorable. Life could be so much worse.
Time to start the job hunting again.
Just as I unlocked my iPad, the doorbell rang.
It was 9.45 p.m. No one called round this late. Not even Audrey. If that was bloody Connor trying his luck after I’d ignored his message and deleted his number, I’d be so mad.
As I slid out of bed, Cuddles stirred. I skulked into the hallway to the front door, looked in the peephole and nearly fainted.
It can’t be.
Oh my God!
I unlocked the door and flung it open in what felt like a millisecond.
‘Miles!’ I screamed, throwing my arms around him.
‘Alex!’ he said, squeezing me tightly.
We stood there for what must have been at least five minutes, just holding each other. I couldn’t believe he was there. Here. In London. At my front door. I was so happy.
As the crisp night air struck my skin, reality began to hit me, and a wave of questions flooded my brain.
‘You’re shivering,’ said Miles. ‘Maybe we should go inside. If that’s okay with you?’
‘Sure, come in,’ I said, stepping back into the hallway and closing the door behind him.
‘You’ve got no idea how happy I am to see you, Alex.’ He beamed. ‘And to see that you’re happy to see me too.’
There weren’t enough positive adjectives in the dictionary to express how I felt right now. My heart was singing. It felt like there were a million butterflies dancing in my stomach, and looking at him dressed in his signature white shirt, navy jumper and tanned trousers combo made my knees weak. He was even more gorgeous than I remembered. The sun had given his skin an incredible glow. His brown eyes sparkled. When I’d held him, his chest had felt so firm, so warm and welcoming. His scent. How I’d missed it. He smelt like heaven. Oh, and his lips. Those juicy lips. Looking at them, I couldn’t help but reminisce about that night in the cinema and our passionate kisses. My mouth craved his. My whole body was crying out for him. Right now I just wanted him to hold me and never let go, but I had to try and push my emotions to one side. There was so much I still needed to know.
‘What happened? You’ve been gone for so long. You didn’t call. You didn’t reply to any of my messages. I thought you’d forgotten about me.’
‘Forget about you? Impossible! I love you,’ he said, pulling me into him. ‘I could never, ever forget about you. Never.’
‘You, you love me?’ I said as my body began to melt.
‘Alex.’ He looked me straight in the eyes. ‘I’ve loved you from the first night we met. But I was scared. I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t. You would have thought I was crazy. Who falls in love with someone on the first date? All that love at first sight stuff just happens in the films, right? You would have thought that I wasn’t genuine. That I’d found out that you love romcoms and was just trying to score brownie points. Sell you a fake happily-ever-after. But I really felt it. I just knew that you were the one. I wanted to tell you. So many times. But then you told me you were dating other guys, and I thought you couldn’t feel the same way about me if you wanted to keep seeing them.’ His face fell.
‘I couldn’t even consider seeing another woman, knowing the way that I felt. So that’s why I asked you about dating me exclusively. To see if you’d give me a chance. To prove that I was the man for you. I wanted to talk to you about it again, but things didn’t work out at the party. After that, my head wasn’t in the right place with my patient dying, you were away for the exhibition, and then of course I got the call for the trip. I decided I had to tell you before I left. I called you on the Sunday and so many times that Monday morning. I had to let you know how I felt. I didn’t want to do it on a voicemail, but I couldn’t reach you, so I had no choice. But just as I was about to tell you that I loved you, we had to board the flight and I didn’t get the chance.’
‘You…you love me?’ The butterflies were now dancing so hard I literally felt like my stomach would burst with joy.
‘Yes! So much. This past month has been torture. Absolute hell. Not being able to see you. To talk to you. Not knowing if you’d got serious with another guy and forgotten about me.’
‘No way!’ I said, squeezing him tightly, burying my head in his neck, then gazing up to stare at his face again. ‘I couldn’t get you out of my mind, Miles. I called, I messaged…I’ve missed you so much. When you asked about going exclusive, I wasn’t sure what to do. I was confused. I was looking for something serious. Someone to commit to me, and I wasn’t sure that was what you wanted. I thought maybe you just wanted to date me, maybe as a long-term girlfriend, but not get into anything serious like marriage.’
‘But I did! I do! That’s why I told you I wanted us to be exclusive. I wanted us to take things to the next stage.’
Flashbacks of Luke and the ways he’d chosen his words carefully to imply he meant something serious but actually didn’t flooded my mind.
‘You mean the next stage, as in to have sex?’
‘No! No! Not at all, Alex! I mean, yes, I’d love to have sex with you, but it’s not like that. I’d like to experience everything with you right there beside me. For there to be no ceilings. No limits. Marriage, children, the whole thing. For us to spend the rest of our lives together. That’s all I’ve wanted from the beginning. I told you that on our second date. When we were walking through the park on the way to the zoo. When I was telling you about my childhood. But I thought maybe you found the idea too scary, that I was getting too serious too soon. So I thought I better not push it. I thought that if you agreed to being exclusive, if you felt strongly enough about me, that we could talk about it more then. But I couldn’t leave it to chance any longer. I couldn’t stop thinking about you whilst I was away. And then they begged us to extend our trip. It was torture. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of the work we did over there. But I missed you terribly.’
I pulled back slowly from Miles’ embrace. He seemed genuine. I wanted to believe what he said. But after Luke, I was wary. Luke had also said he wanted marriage, and I’d believed him. I remembered him laughing at me the last time we saw each other. ‘Oh, dear, sweet Alexandra, you’ve misunderstood my sentiments. My intentions,’ he’d said in his condescending voice. I’d got so sucked in and heard what I’d wanted to hear. Who was to say that Miles wasn’t doing the same? That he w
asn’t just telling me he loved me and wanted to marry me because he was trying to take advantage of me? My gut said Miles was nothing like Luke, but I had to be sure. I had to be careful. I couldn’t be made a fool of again.
‘If you missed me so much, Miles’—I crossed my arms—‘why didn’t you call? I know that by the sounds of things you were somewhere remote, but surely there must have been somewhere you could have used your phone to reach me. Even a letter could have got here in a month, surely?’
‘You’re right. You’re absolutely right. That all would have been feasible if I hadn’t lost my phone at the airport. Or got it stolen. I don’t know what happened. I had it with me when I got off the plane, but everything was so chaotic when we arrived because it was so last-minute. I remember putting my phone down to fill out some paperwork, I got my suitcase, and then that was the last I saw of it. That was the only place I had your number. If I had your address, then of course I would have sent you a letter. But the only time I’ve been here was when I walked you home that night, and I didn’t write down the road or the house number. At the time, I had no need to. And for the life of me, I couldn’t remember the name of the company you worked at.’
‘But you sent me flowers at work that time,’ I said.
‘Yes, I know, but everything was on my phone. The name of your company, the address and the florist. Without my phone I had nothing. If I’d been able to remember any of that, then on the couple of occasions that we went to the main town, I could have tried to find a phone box or something to track you down. But we literally didn’t stop from the moment we landed. And it really was remote where we were based. Honestly.’
‘So how did you post on Facebook, then?’
‘On Facebook?’ His face crumpled. ‘I didn’t go on Facebook. How could I? There was no internet.’
‘There was a photo of you and that Gabriella on Facebook. On the Aid for the Future page.’
Only When It's Love: A Chick Lit, Romantic Comedy Novel: Holding Out For Mr Right Page 19
