by Cole Baxter
He stared at her with so much loathing and disgust that Mary actually felt a part of herself die as she cowered in her chair.
"Look at you," he snapped.
Mary had asked her husband one simple question yet the resulting argument was anything but simple.
"You let yourself go, wearing those disgusting pants all the time."
The same pair he had bought for her a long time ago.
"Keeping your hair messy, putting no makeup on."
The hair he characterized as messy were her natural curls, which he had sworn he adored, and she'd never put any makeup on because he had always praised her natural beauty.
Of course, all of that had been once upon a time. These days, he sang a different tune. The tune that was hurting her so deeply she felt completely paralyzed.
"How can I be attracted to you if you’re putting no effort toward pleasing me?"
"Nick." Mary tried to stop him from saying anything else.
Didn't he know what his words were doing to her? Does he even care? Looking at his face, she feared what the answer might be.
This same conversation occurred anytime he was drunk, and as of late, that was all the time. When she questioned him, where he was or what he was doing, he would turn around and start berating her as though he was avoiding his own home because she was there.
At times, that made her feel like it would be better if she hadn’t been born at all because her husband, a man she cared so deeply about and believed he felt the same way toward her, acted as though he hated her. His words were killing her, chipping away parts of her bruised heart and letting them shrivel away. She had to wonder how much of it was still there and beating. How long before it just stopped?
Unfortunately, he simply continued to berate her, speaking over her. "It's your fault I had to do this."
"I made you cheat?" she argued as tears filled her eyes.
"I had to find somewhere else what I couldn't get at home. I'm a man, after all."
A man? He said that as if it were a universal explanation for everything. Mary was about to call him out on it when he continued speaking.
"You are just unattractive and old. I can't understand what I ever saw in you." He delivered the final blow, sounding as though he were actually accusing her of failing from stopping herself from getting older.
She was only thirty-two and he made it sound like she was ancient. He made her feel ancient.
At that point, she did start to cry, and Nick turned away from her, getting on his feet.
They were sitting at a small dining room table. She had prepared him a late dinner and sat down to keep him company as he ate. The restlessness she had felt for quite some time had forced her to ask about his whereabouts, which resulted in their current fight, where she learned an ugly truth. He was cheating on her. Again.
Nick took a couple of deep breaths, as if attempting to rein in his temper and failing. "Nice, Mary. Make me feel like a bad guy here."
In the past, she had always forgiven him for his indiscretions in the name of love. This time, the situation was different. Nick was leaving her for this other woman, and the shock of that revelation made her dizzy. She couldn't think or say anything of use. The only thing she thought about was how she didn't want to be alone.
Mary wanted to beg him to stay except the tears were choking her, preventing her from speaking.
"You always do this to me, guilting me into staying with you. No more!" He raised his voice at the end, pairing it with a bang of his fist against the dining room table and making her jump a little.
"No more," he repeated with conviction and rushed toward the bedroom like he had just made up his mind.
Please don't do this.
Mary followed him, her legs taking her there on autopilot. Though she didn't want to witness this final act, she knew she had no choice in the matter. Her heart raced like crazy knowing something monumental was about to occur. Mary's whole life was about to change, and she didn't want that, dreaded the reality that Nick was leaving her for good.
Please don't leave me.
Mary came in just in time to see him opening all the closets with force and pulling clothes out without any skill or system.
"What are you doing?" she mumbled, although his behavior was pretty self-explanatory.
"I have to get away from you. I'm in love with someone else and deserve to be happy."
Mary closed her eyes for a moment, wishing she could go back in time and fix all the mistakes she'd made. Maybe then, he wouldn't leave and hurt her in such a manner.
Mary couldn't believe the man she’d married, who’d once promised her the world, couldn't wait to run away from her. Why doesn't he love me anymore? What did I do wrong? She was overwhelmed with self-doubt and guilt.
"What about me? I'm your wife."
"You are a noose around my neck, suffocating me to death," he growled, shoving clothes into the suitcase.
"That’s my shirt."
He stopped for the briefest of moments to glance at her. His icy stare felt like a slap across the face. More to the point, she was certain an actual hit would hurt less.
"Great, Mary, criticize me to the end. I can never do anything right by you, at any rate." He continued with his task.
She had searched her brain to find fault in her behavior. Mary had tried to be the perfect wife, had done everything for Nick and made sure to create a loving home for him, stress-free. Apparently, that was not what he wanted.
"I've never criticized you . . ."
"Oh, just stop and leave me be."
Mary sat on the edge of the bed without uttering another word. Nick had made up his mind. He wouldn't listen, and there was nothing she could do about it. Everything she had done or said was deemed wrong, so she refrained from acting.
Once he had packed and zipped the bag, he had stormed out without a goodbye or a passing glance. He'd just left her. Just like that. Like I am nothing.
Long after Nick had left for good, Mary had continued to sit there, staring at the small vanity table in the corner of the room and the framed picture that dominated the space. It was her and Nick's wedding photo. Those two people in the photo looked happy, in love. She didn't recognize them at all.
Married life was not what she’d expected it to be, and when Nick promised together forever, she had believed him. You are such a fool.
"Mary? Mary, do you hear me?"
"Hmm?" Mary refocused on the man who was calling her, pulling her away from those painful memories back to the here and now.
Dr. Kellan Carson smiled at her kindly, like he knew how much it cost her to go through all that again.
Nick had left four months ago, yet it still felt like it all happened just yesterday. His abandoning her and their vows and their marriage, which had lasted fourteen years, was not the worst part. Later on, she discovered that he'd taken all the money from their joint account, leaving her penniless. Since she couldn't pay the lease on their apartment, she had to move out and find a much smaller, cheaper one. The most devastating fact was finding out that Nick had actually left her for a nineteen-year-old. A child!
On the other hand, she was younger when they met and married him when she'd barely turned eighteen. The irony of it all was that Nick was sixteen years older than her.
"Do you need a moment?" the therapist asked her, adjusting his glasses.
"No, I'm fine," she lied.
Mary was sure he knew she was lying, but he didn't call her out on it. She needed to be fine.
He simply nodded. "When you think about Nick leaving you, what are your dominant emotions now?"
She took some time and thought really hard and long about his question. Despair was a big one, yet that was then, right after he'd left.
"I don't know if I feel anything at all. I'm just empty," Mary replied with a sigh.
"That is completely understandable and normal. That's just a mechanism that shields you from all the intense emotions you might experience, bu
t it will pass."
Mary really hoped so because this state was worse than anything. She would much rather feel anything at all, even pain, than continue living in this state of nothingness. At times, it scared her, like she would be like this for the rest of her life. It was just that she didn't feel said fear, just knew she should.
"How did Nick make you feel when you were together?" Dr. Carson asked.
Mary snorted. The more accurate question would be what he didn't make me feel. She still tried to answer the doctor's question. "Most of the time, he made me feel completely inadequate."
"And?" he prompted.
"And that in return made me feel angry because he made it appear as if all of this was my fault."
"What do you think? Do you agree?"
She shrugged, looking away and out the window. It was very cloudy today, and the grayness of the skies made the city look duller than usual. It was very depressing looking.
"Mary?"
She knew what he wanted to hear, and a part of her recognized that none of this was her fault, but the rest was the problem.
"Maybe I think that as well," she replied in all honesty, her voice small, ashamed.
"Mary, we talked about this before," Dr. Carson said in his neutral, professional manner. He wasn't chastising her, just reminding her, and that helped a great deal for her to actually listen.
"I know."
"Nick left, not because of something you did or didn't do," he insisted. "He left because he didn't want to take any kind of responsibility for his behavior. He is a compulsive cheater, clearly battling his own demons. Of course, this is not about him. It's about you, and his actions are not a reflection of you. You are worthy of love. Always remember that."
Mary nodded, really appreciating his saying all of that. It made her feel better, if only for a little while. "I know I am," she replied with more confidence this time. I am worthy of love, she repeated like a mantra.
Nick was a selfish prick, and the only thing Mary was genuinely guilty of was allowing him to speak to her in such a manner and putting up with his bullshit for as long as she had, all because she was afraid of losing him. He had made her feel as if she were less than nothing, and that was not okay.
She said as much to her therapist.
"Good." He looked genuinely pleased that he’d managed to get through to her at this moment, at least.
No matter how much this talk helped, when she was alone, all by her lonesome self, some, if not all of her insecurities, fears, and circumstances would rush back and torment her, paralyzing her from moving on. Mary wasn't strong enough to fight those thoughts back because in the end, she was alone, and that, at least in some part, proved Nick right.
Am I worthy of love? came a sudden thought. Dr. Carson believed so. Do I?
If not for these talks with Dr. Carson, she would have given up a long time ago and just been done with this whole thing called life. Dr. Carson was a true godsend because he pulled her back from the ledge when she felt so low that she contemplated suicide.
Mary knew she had to recover, be better, because no matter how much she loved Nick, or even how much he hurt her, she needed to learn how to love herself again.
That wasn't so easy, but things were rarely easy. That was just how life was. It wasn't for the weak hearted, and she was sick and tired of being weak.
Chapter Two
Mary looked at the time.
"We have plenty of time left," Dr. Carson reassured her. "Is there something else you wanted to discuss with me?"
She shrugged.
"How is your relationship with your boss? Do you still fear that she will fire you?" he prompted.
Mary shrugged again. Her teacher always hated it when she did that. Use your words to express yourself, he would yell at her. "At times, yes," she replied.
Mary kept expecting Alisa Adams, her boss, to come to her senses and fire her. She had worked as a virtual assistant for Alisa for five years now. Despite being in correspondence every day, they rarely met face to face. Sometimes they did, but it always caused Mary great distress.
She was sure Alisa would treat her just like Nick did if she let her guard down even for a second. There was another matter as well. For some reason, Mary felt like a fraud, inadequate, and she was certain it was just a matter of time before Alisa would start to wonder why she’d hired her in the first place.
She was certain those feelings had something to do with Nick too. Dr. Carson believed she had self-esteem issues. Her grandmother simply called her shy.
"Are you doing your confirmations when these thoughts occur?"
"Yes, I am, but I don't believe they are quite working."
"You need to believe in them, not just repeat empty words."
"Right," Mary replied while nodding. She knew that. It was just hard believing she was worthy of anything when she had so much evidence that rebuked it.
Nevertheless, that was all in the past. It was time for a fresh start. It wasn't like she had any alternative, at any rate.
They talked a bit more about techniques on how to break bad spells when they transpired, and she did feel somewhat better on her way home. That didn't last long before she reverted to her usual self.
Her self-doubt returned as she passed by two people embraced, caught in a moment of passion. They were clearly in love.
The way the man looked at the woman made Mary stop and press a hand against her aching heart because she was sure she was losing that old pump in some way.
When will someone look at me like that? Hold me like that? She had believed she held that affection and devotion with Nick. As it turned out, she was wrong.
When will I have my happily ever after?
Never, a part of her responded. It was funny how her worst thoughts were always narrated in Nick's voice. She hated that, so she banished all thoughts about him or love.
Mary rode the subway to reach her small studio apartment. She thought about everything Dr. Carson told her during this session. After a few minutes, she caught sight of some kind of commotion at the far end of the car.
"What's happening?" the person seated next to her asked.
"I don't know," she replied.
"She's crazy." A teen three seats over snorted with derision.
"She's high." The kid next to him rolled his eyes and laughed.
Mary heard all kinds of unkind comments as she rose on her toes so she could see past the sea of people.
An elderly woman was sitting on a bench in the corner, and it was more than apparent that she was not well. Her arms and legs were thrashing about like she had no control over them while hitting her head against the train's window.
"Oh, my," Mary exclaimed. That poor woman.
Most people looked away while the rest moved away from her as though her seizure was contagious. All refused to do anything for the poor woman or help in any way. The woman didn’t look homeless or deranged. She was simply in need of medical help.
"She's seizing. Can someone help?" she asked, hoping there was a doctor or a medical student among them.
She received a lot of grumbling in return coupled with, "Why don't you help her?"
Mary instantly felt ashamed. This is preposterous! Looking at that distressed woman who was ignored by all, Mary's blood boiled.
She simply couldn't believe her eyes. When did we all become so heartless? When did compassion, empathy vanish from our hearts and lives?
This is just unbelievable. The society they had become was making her feel more depressed than usual. It was also making her angry.
Looking at all the indifferent people around her in the train, she felt like cursing them all as the poor woman continued to dance about, clearly in pain, and nobody lifted a finger to help her.
That sickly woman was apparently all alone in this world, and that struck a nerve with Mary. She too was suffering, and nobody cared. Especially not Nick.
She knew exactly how it felt to be completely alone. When surround
ed by a crowd of people, she felt separated and was certain no one would come to her rescue if, God forbid, something happened to her one of these days. You come alone to this world and you die alone. Apparently, the in-between was nothing better.
All of that made her react.
"Excuse me," Mary said, a bit irked as she started to move toward the woman in need. It made her beyond angry that the people had become so jaded that not even pure human suffering, a clear need for help, caused any reaction.
That was not a problem merely concentrated on this train. The whole world had become like that. With a few exceptions. There were some really altruistic people who dedicated their whole lives to helping others, but that was a whole different story. As far as Mary was concerned, those people were heroes.
Unfortunately, people around her were seriously lacking, and she started to shove through them, and not too gently, trying to reach the other woman as quickly as possible.
The passengers were not pleased by her attempts to relocate herself, not that she cared. Someone dared to curse at her, and despite herself, she started cursing back. After being in some kind of stupor for a long time and sleepwalking through her life after Nick left her, Mary was finally starting to wake up again.
"Hey, lady, watch out," a man snapped at her as she stepped on his foot.
Her first instinct was to apologize, but she suppressed that urge, raising her chin up and bulldozing further down the car.
"What are you doing? Are you crazy?" a woman yelled.
"As far as I’m concerned, all of you are crazy for being so blind to human suffering," Mary snapped back, barely containing her anger. "You should all be ashamed." God knew she was. For them.
"Who died and made you Mother Theresa?" another called out.
"Oh, bite me," Mary eloquently replied, clearly at the end of her rope. She was fed up with selfish people who only had eyes for their own problems and emotions. Perhaps she was fed up with people in general.
That was one of the many reasons she preferred to work from her home and had limited contact with other people.
This particular group of people continued to protest and shout at her as though she was the problematic one as Mary finally managed to reach the troubled woman.
