by Amy Lamont
Chapter 9
I woke up alone the next morning, but from the sound of it, Jared hadn’t ventured too far away. I couldn’t think of a better way to wake up than to the sound of his voice singing softly along with the guitar he strummed.
I stretched, easing some of the minor aches in my muscles. And I knew I was right last night—each one of them was totally worth it.
I’d made good on my promise to Jared in the limo. After ensuring the divider was up and the driver couldn’t hear or see what was going on in the back, I’d made quick work of easing his hard length from his pants and taking him into my mouth. Something about being on my knees in front of him in the back of a limousine, knowing people were only a few feet away in their cars or on the street, turned me on more than I imagined it could.
It must have had the same effect on Jared because he spilled in my mouth and was ready for even more once we got back to our hotel room. He put me through my paces before we both fell into an exhausted but sated sleep, and my muscles could attest to it.
My attention turned to him when he stopped playing and singing for the third time in a row and restarted from the beginning. He sang a verse and chorus, but a couple of lines into the next verse, he’d stop, wait a few beats, and then start over again.
I turned over and propped my head up on my hand so I could watch him. He sat in one of the overstuffed floral chairs, looking totally delectable in only a pair of jeans with his guitar on his lap. A furrow had formed between his eyebrows and he hunched around his guitar to stare down at a sheet of paper on the coffee table.
I listened while he went through the process two more times, and finally caught onto what he sang about. The song was beautiful, the lyrics about moments so perfect time stood still and how fast the world moved again once the moment passed.
Once again I found myself struck by how hard Jared worked. Granted, writing a song didn't scream work the same way cleaning up bodily fluids did, but I'd never thought about how much effort actually went into an artist's craft before. Seeing it up close and personal this week was a little awe-inspiring. I wished I could show my parents and sisters a glimpse of this side of Jared's life.
He played the verse and chorus again, and again he got stuck in the same spot. My eyes drifted closed and remnants of the poetry I used to scribble in a notebook I took everywhere with me drifted in my head.
I'd stopped carrying it around with me after my family pushed me to find activities that would look more impressive on my college applications. But it took a long time before I stopped reaching for that notebook as pieces of poems and lines for lyrics were always floating to the surface of my mind.
When Jared started yet again, he paused in the same spot. Without opening my eyes, I put a piece of my own work to his music and sang the lines out loud. "Minutes, hours and days slipped away. Can't even tell you how I filled them. But each second with you stays in my mind. I wish I could freeze each one in time."
Dead. Silence.
I squeezed my eyes tighter when the music didn't start again. After several very long seconds ticked by, like those moments in time he'd been singing about, but not as much fun, I braved a peek at him.
Jared stared at me, his eyes wide.
Damn. Damn. Damn. I had never been a girl who got easily embarrassed, but did I just sing my own lyrics to one of the most popular rock stars on the planet?
I opened my mouth to explain, or apologize, or something...anything to speed time back to its normal pace so I could escape this completely mortifying moment. But I couldn't think of one thing to say.
“Sing it again,” Jared said.
“What?”
He stood up and moved over to the bed, sitting beside my hip and propping the guitar on his lap. “Sing it again when I get to that part.”
I sank back against the pillows and slowly shook my head from side to side.
“Please, Paige? I've been struggling with this song for a month. And the lyrics you sang were perfect.”
Perfect? “You—you liked them?”
“They were unbelievable. And so was your voice. Sing from the beginning with me.”
He didn't wait for my agreement, just started strumming the first few notes.
Okay, I could do this. I sat up off the pillows, and when he started singing the lyrics, I sang along with him. When we got to the spot where he kept leaving off, he stopped singing and I kept on going alone with the lyrics I'd sung before.
When it was done, he shifted forward to lean the guitar against the nightstand. And then he turned and covered me with his body, bearing me down into the mattress.
“Do you know how hot that was?” His question came out in that gruff voice that never failed to make my hormones jump up and do the happy dance.
“How hot was it?”
He laughed at my teasing. “So hot.”
He followed his words up with a scorching kiss that left me trembling and aching for more.
“You have to let me use those lyrics.” He pressed a kiss on the corner of my mouth. “And you have to help me finish the rest of the song.” He nipped and kissed his way across my jaw and I tilted my head up to give him better access. I would have offered to help him with lyrics months ago if I knew this would be my reward.
“And you have to sing that song with me on the album.”
He bent to kiss my lips again, but I froze.
“What?” I all but shrieked.
He moved his head back so he could look down into my face. “I want you to sing on my album.”
“No. No, I could never do that.” I shook my head, slightly frantic at the thought of what he asked me to do.
He shifted his weight off me a little, bracing himself on his arms.
His brows wrinkled. “Why not?”
I dropped my gaze from his, searching the room, as if an answer would appear there.
When nothing pushed back the panic rising inside me, I returned my eyes to his. “I just...can't.”
“Come on. Think about how much fun it would be.”
Fun might as well be the "F" word in my book. But how did I explain that to him? I was always up for a good time, but not in a way that could jeopardize my plans for the future. It was bad enough I was about to have a photo published for the world to see with me in Jared's arms. I'd managed not to freak out about that. But there's no way I could sing on his album.
At that thought, my heart squeezed as if gripped in someone's fist. Then anger welled up, big enough to swallow me whole. Why did he offer me something like that? Why tease me with something I could never have?
“I just can't do it, Jared. Think of the impact it would have on my career.” I couldn't hide the anger from my voice.
Jared scooted off of me. He stood at the side of the bed looking down at me like he'd never seen me before. “What's going on here, Paige? What's the big deal?”
I stood up to face him. “The big deal is that I can't do this.” I gestured around the hotel room.
“This? Sing on my album this?”
“This!” I waved my hand around. “The pricey hotel suite, the celebrity parties, the interviews and performances. And no, I can't do a song on your album. I can't even believe you'd suggest it. Imagine how seriously I'd be taken at school if I did that.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose before turning a heated look at me. “Let me get this straight. The brave, brazen, wild woman I've spent the last months getting to know is worried about what other people might think of her?”
I stomped away from him. How could he not understand this? “Jared, I have a real life, a real job to get back to. This is a fantasy.”
“So what? My job's not real? What we've been building between us isn't real? Because let me tell you, baby, maybe this was all a fantasy for you, but if you stand there and tell me there's nothing real between us, you're lying to yourself.”
My mouth dropped open and the anger flew away like it hadn't been there. In its place a burning, churning mas
s of anxiety made itself at home in my belly. It reminded me too much of the feelings I had the day I left the hospital to run to Jared. The day Deanna died.
“I think I need to go,” I said quietly.
“What the hell, Paige?”
“Jared, I didn't mean to hurt you, but you have to see you and me...we'd never work out in the long term.”
“Are you blind? Things between us have been amazing. And if you haven't noticed, we've managed to work out a relationship between us quite well over the last few months.”
I gasped at his use of the "R" word. He'd been thinking we were building a long-term relationship all this time? Why would he think that would ever work?
“Jared, I've had a wonderful time with you. You're amazing and talented and the chemistry between us is off the charts.” Shit, if I kept this up, I'd convince myself to stay. “But you have to see this isn't real. I have school and my job and years of internship and residency ahead of me after that. I have a real job that takes real work.”
His face hardened. “And I don't? My job isn't real? I don't work hard?”
I stepped back until my leg hit the end table in the living area.
“I—I didn’t mean that,” I said lamely. I'd seen how hard he worked this week. But still, it wasn't the same. And no matter how much I loved spending time with him, I just couldn't see a future with a musician.
He closed the distance between us until he stood looming over me. “Tell me, Paige. I want to hear what you think of my job.”
His tone and his intimidating pose brought my own anger back with a vengeance. I'd be damned if I'd back down from him.
I placed my palm flat against his chest and pushed him back a few inches.
“Don't get in my face, Jared. I don't appreciate the intimidation act. And if you want the truth, than no, I don't think this is a real job. I think it's a fantasy world you live in. I have a real job. I'm dedicating my life to something bigger than me. I don't think you can compare the two.”
Jared stepped back from me as if he'd been burnt. His expression went from angry to completely blank in two point two seconds.
Shit, shit, shit. What did I do?
I opened my mouth to try to fix things. But closed it again when not one word came to me. How on earth could I take back what I just said? There was no way to unsay it. Plus, I believed it.
But even as I had that thought, images from the last few days came back to me. A teenage girl had given Jared a letter when he passed her as we were on the way into the building where he and the band were appearing on a popular late night talk show. The letter revealed how much the words to his songs meant to her when she was going through her chemotherapy treatments.
Later, Jared had shared how those were the reasons he did this. He'd always play music, no matter what. But if he'd known all that went into being a celebrity of the magnitude the guys from Sliding Violet had become, he'd have thought twice about signing his first recording contract.
But almost daily, he received letters or emails from fans who shared how much his songs meant to them. Jared’s music brought them through dark times or breakups or helped them feel less alone, like someone knew exactly how they felt.
How could I have just stood here and told him that the work he did wasn't as important as mine?
Before I could even attempt to fix things, my phone rang.
Saved by the bell. I should probably let it ring, but maybe whoever it was could buy me a little time.
I rushed to the nightstand and snatched it up, swiping my thumb over it as I pulled it to my ear.
“Hello?”
“Care to share why Katelyn, Jade and I had to find out about your relationship with a member of one of the most famous rock bands on the planet from that annoying celebrity gossip guy instead of straight from you?”
“What?”
“Paige,” Emma said, “what the heck is going on? Where are you? Is this about the bet?”
I dropped onto the side of the bed. “No, it's not about the bet.”
“So, are you with Jared Sloane right now?”
I glanced up to see Jared, hands on hips, coolly regarding me from across the room.
I swallowed hard. I'd been with Jared Sloane all week, but it didn't feel like I was with him right now. The distance between us might as well be three thousand miles.
“Yes,” I whispered. “I'm with Jared out in California.”
Silence met my admission.
“Say something, Emma.” I couldn't help the pleading note in my voice. This is what happened when I stepped off the course I was supposed to be on. Jared got pissed at me. My friends were probably just as mad. Taking my escape from real life managed to fuck up everything.
Guess this is where my carriage turns back into a pumpkin.
“I don't know what to say, Paige. Why did you hide this from us? And why aren't you at work?”
I sighed. “It's a long story. I'm fine, and I'm sorry you guys found out that way. I was going to tell you. I just...”
I just what? I couldn't even get into all of this over the phone with her. Another hard sigh escaped me. “Can I explain it to you guys when I get home?”
“When will you be here?”
“In the next few days. I promise I'll tell you everything.”
“Including all the dirty details about that hot kiss the photographer captured between you and Jared Sloane?”
I managed a small smile. If Emma was asking for details, she couldn't be too pissed.
I raised my eyes to Jared once again. His entire body was rigid. Guess I couldn't say the same thing about him.
“Yes. I promise to tell you about Jared and me.”
“Good. Let us know when you'll be home so we can all make sure we're here.”
“Will do,” I said.
We said our good-byes and I dropped the phone back on the nightstand. I bit my lip and pulled in a deep breath, searching for the right words to fix things between Jared and me.
But he didn't plan on giving me the chance.
“This whole time, I thought keeping our relationship a secret was about you not wanting the notoriety at school and work.” The ice in Jared's voice made me shiver. “I didn't realize you were hiding it from your best friends, too. I guess that tells me everything I need to know about how you feel about me, doesn't it?”
I jumped up from the bed. “No!”
He put a hand out in front of him. “Save it, Paige. I heard all I need to hear. I'm going to book you a flight back to New York. My manager will make sure you have all the details.”
He turned and grabbed a shirt, and before I could blink he'd stomped out of the room, the door slamming closed behind him with a finality that hurt my heart.
Every cell in my body urged me to chase after him, to fix it.
But really, what would be the point? I knew this was all a fantasy. From the beginning I knew I'd have to return to my real life. The thought of going back to the hospital and my classes without having stolen time with Jared to look forward to ripped my breath from me. I hadn't realized how much I'd come to depend on him to give me those moments that made the rest of my life more bearable.
Tears filled my eyes, but I dashed them away quickly with the back of my hand. I didn’t get to cry over Jared. I’d set things up to end this way. I didn’t get to cry about it now.
For another brief moment, I contemplated chasing Jared down and demanding he let me explain.
But what purpose would it serve? If he’d been getting serious about us while I knew a real relationship between us wasn’t possible, how could this end any way but poorly? Even if I chased him and he forgave me, at some point we’d be right back here. It was easier to just let go now.
A numbness took over my mind, allowing me to start packing. I moved as if I were underwater.
Chapter 10
The numbness carried me to the door of the apartment I shared with Katelyn, Emma and Jade. But the moment I stood in front of it, keys
poised at the lock, everything came crashing down on me and I burst into tears.
I tried to pull myself together, but once they started flowing, I couldn’t stop them. And it turned into the ugly cry—deep sobs, shuddering breaths, and no doubt, the blotchy red face.
I attempted to get my key in the lock twice, but my blurred vision made it an impossible endeavor. Before I could go for attempt number three, the door flew open. Emma stood on the other side.
“Oh my God, Paige.” She flung her arms around me and hustled me into our apartment without letting me go. “Jade! Katelyn! Paige is home.”
Jade stomped into the living room, and judging by her expression, she had a full head of steam she'd been dying to let off. But she took one look at me and slid to a stop.
“Oh, sweetie.” Jade ran to my side, the one opposite of where Emma still hung onto me, and wrapped her arms around me.
“What's going on?”
I couldn't see Katelyn around Emma and Jade, but two seconds after her voice cut off, she joined our huddle. We stood there for I didn't know how long before they had me peeled out of my coat, my bags dragged inside, and had me ensconced on the couch with a handful of tissues.
“I've never seen you like this before,” Katelyn said. “Tell us how we can help.”
I smiled through my tears. Leave it to my friends to put aside being pissed off at me to circle the wagons when I was so obviously upset.
I sucked in a few deep breaths, my chest shuddering as I fought to get myself under control. I swiped at my cheeks with a ball of wadded up tissues and finished by blowing my nose. Very attractive.
My friends sat, surprisingly quiet for a change, and gave me the time I needed to pull myself together. Well, pulled together is probably stretching it. But I did manage to stop crying.
“I'm s-sorry,” I finally managed to get out. “I'm so sorry I didn't tell you guys I was seeing Jared.”
