I’d promised I would.
Tears cascade down my cheeks, soaking into the bear as I leaned against the crib and slid to the floor. Sobbing, I buried my face in the bear on my knees. My cries shook my body with such strength I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t just die right now.
I cried for the child who would never feel his or her grandmother’s love, and for the promise I could never keep. For the child I had loved, but hadn’t protected. For the man I loved who had been as broken by the loss as I had been. And I cried for me.
I cried for everything I’d never be, never see, and never feel.
The door creaked open and a path of light fell on me. Kyle closed the door behind him and came to sit beside me. He lifted my frail body into his lap, peppering soft kisses against my streaked cheeks. I curled into his chest, the teddy bear squeezed between us, and twisted my fingers into his shirt. His arms trembled around me, his chest moving unevenly beneath my face, and I knew he was crying, too.
We sat against the crib of our dead daughter and we cried for her—for the grandmother who’d never hold her grandchild, the child who’d never be held by her mother, and the mother who only had a few months left.
Chapter Twenty
Sunday, June 22, 2014
* * *
When the plane honed in on Burlington, Vermont, I knew I’d made the right decision. From above, the city was picturesque with mountains on one side and Lake Champlain on the other. Brick facades on many of the buildings gave it the classic New England look that excited the writer in me, an innate sense of belonging to the stoic structures.
For the first time, I felt a resounding peace with the move. No matter how or when I would die, I’d get to experience living in a new place that already felt familiar. It was as if I’d checked something off my bucket list that I hadn’t even known was on it. When we deplaned, the crew welcomed us to Burlington with wide smiles, eagerly pointing out baggage claim and the rental car counter.
Even Kyle seemed brighter in the hospitable small city. “You should probably text your dad. Let him know we got here safe,” Kyle said, catching my eye over the roof of our rental car.
Beast and I climbed into the passenger’s side, then I pulled my phone out of my pocket. “Yeah. He was worried, but he’ll be here in two days.”
“Fathers worry. No changing that.” Kyle started the car, retrieved his phone, and plugged the real estate office’s address into his GPS. All set, he interlocked his fingers with mine, resting our hands on my leg while he drove.
I suddenly thought of his parents, wondering what they knew. “Have you talked to Elias or Dixie lately?”
“I sent them a message through their camping guide, so hopefully it gets there. I sent a few emails, too, in case they ever get near Internet.”
I frowned. “They don’t use email much.”
I’d never had much interaction with them, but neither had Kyle. They were free spirits who believed children were peers, without need of handholding or guidance. Kyle had had to teach himself early how to survive in the world. It sounded okay in theory, but it also meant they weren’t close. There were no hard feelings between them…just emptiness.
“I’ll keep trying. It would be nice to see them again before...” his words trailed off.
I’d like to see them before I died, too, but I understood how hard it must be for him to say it. “How many houses are we seeing today?” I asked, changing subjects. “Should we grab some lunch first?”
Kyle’s brows furrowed as he glanced sideways at me. “You’re still hungry? We ate on the plane.”
I shrugged my shoulders, knowing this was news to both of us. “That was a few hours ago. My stomach is growling.”
I’d spent most of the last few months vomiting and refusing food. I was still dealing with some side effects from radiation, but they were decreasing every day and I was slowly—albeit, very slowly—beginning to feel like my old self.
“If my wife wants food, we’re getting food,” Kyle said. He squeezed my hand, then kissed my knuckles. I could almost see the tension easing from his face at the news.
An hour and a half later, we left a quaint little café with full stomachs. We’d tried a few restaurants, but most closed at insanely early hours. This was definitely a unique town, every place quaint and small, yet warm and friendly. Plus, every restaurant had been completely fine with Beast joining us, which was truly the highlight for me.
The real estate office was no exception. It was tucked into a brick office complex near the water with gold plating on the doors that screamed of importance. Gorgeous art of landscapes decorated the inner waiting room and a curvy blonde in a dark pantsuit greeted us.
“Hello, I’m Carly Wellings. How can I help you?”
Kyle reached out a hand. “Hi Carly, we spoke the other day about looking at furnished listings?” He then gestured to Beast and I. “This is my wife, Tessa. I’m Kyle, and our dog here is Beast.”
I shook her hand next, noting the strength in her grip. It was rare to meet a woman with a strong handshake, and I immediately knew I’d like her.
Carly’s face lit up with recognition. “Yes, of course! I’ve got three lined up for today. Just need to put a sign on the door in case anyone stops by, but I’m ready to go.”
She bustled casually about the office grabbing her purse and phone, and taping the sign on the front door. Everything about her—and this town—had a mellow feel. No one was in a rush, and everyone was just…relaxed. Growing up in a busy metropolis had never afforded me that luxury, and I was savoring every second of it now.
We left our car in her parking lot and piled into hers, reaching our first destination only a few minutes later. It was a white manufactured home below our price range, and looked every bit of it. I only had to walk a few feet in to know I wouldn’t live there. It felt used and worn, held together by sheer will. There was nothing homey about it, and now that I’d tasted this town, I couldn’t settle for less.
Beast pulled at his leash to leave, echoing my sentiments. Carly apologized and drove us to the next location—a blue ranch-style home with a gorgeous brown roof. I was hesitant to say no, because it really was nice, but so much larger than we needed. It wasn’t until I saw the view from the living room—directly into our neighbor’s kitchen a few feet away—that both Kyle and I quickly decided against it.
Our last destination for the day was a green-shingled bungalow with a bright red front door that immediately made me smile. I’d had a thing for red doors ever since I’d helped my mother put on her makeup when I was a toddler. One of her compact mirrors had a bright red door on the back. It whispered expensive and lavish—but not showy—just silently decadent. The perfect description for who she was.
I’d spent years looking for a mirror like it and had finally found the spa that made them a few years ago. I’d purchased a dozen, and the clerk had looked at me strangely, but I didn’t care. I wanted to have one in my purse, my car, my room…everywhere I’d be where I’d want to remember her.
“Kyle, I love it.” I grabbed his hand when we climbed the front steps, Beast a few strides ahead.
He laughed, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “You haven’t seen the inside yet.”
I wasn’t concerned. “I can feel it. This is the place.”
When we stepped inside, everything was wood, stone, and brick combined seamlessly in a way that felt as if the house had grown onto this piece of land all by itself. The owners hadn’t skimped on the amenities, however, because every appliance was top-of-the-line.
“Every room is nicely furnished, but there’s plenty of free space for you to add your personal mementos while you’re here,” Carly explained, walking us through each room. “The best part is you’re backed onto Lake Champlain. You have your own dock and motorboat down on the end there.”
I followed her pointed finger to outside the kitchen window where an expansive body of water greeted me. A dark wooden dock jutted off the grass with a white
rowboat bobbing at the end. It was as beautiful as one of the photos from Carly’s office, but I could smell the water and hear the splashing against the dock. There was an instant tranquility to the scene and the house that told me my initial impression was spot on.
Carly opened a door off the kitchen, and Beast immediately rocketed out into the back yard, running laps around the grass, only pausing to dig holes and toss dirt around.
“Beast!” Kyle scolded the dog, clapping his hands. “Stop it!”
Beast lifted his face, revealing a dirt beard all over his fluffy white face. Then he returned right back to digging.
“Christ,” Kyle grumbled. “Damn dog.”
“Can we afford this?” I asked Kyle, still mesmerized. With the recent medical bills, I’d lost track of our finances. I used to be the one in charge of our bills, but ever since my diagnosis, Kyle had taken over.
Carly’s eyes lit up and she lifted a hand to catch our attention. “Rent is actually $50 a month under your max.”
“Works for me.” Kyle gave me a questioning look, and I nodded my head. I wanted this home. “When can we move in?”
“It’s move-in ready.” Carly pulled a file from her bag, flipping it open. “You’ll need to sign some paperwork and get the homeowner’s approval, but I should have a final answer for you within two days.”
“Beast already moved in.” I watched him circle the yard again, laughing at his prancing.
“He loves it!” Carly agreed then turned away from the yard to face us. “What lease term were you thinking of? The average is a year, but we could ask the landlord for something else, too.”
Kyle’s gaze fell to the floor, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Um, I’m not sure.”
“Well, how long do you plan to stay in the area?” she asked.
“Less than a year,” he replied, glancing sideways at me. “Maybe a few months?”
I pushed my shoulders back, lifting my chin. “What he’s trying not to say is we’re only going to be here until I die.”
Carly froze, her eyes sliding from Kyle to me, and then back.
“I have cancer,” I continued. “The doctors give me another few months. Maybe five.”
She blinked a few times, clearing her throat loudly. I could see her mind working, though I wasn’t sure what she must be thinking. No agent would want someone dying in their listing, but it was going to happen no matter which house we chose—plus I wanted the homeowner to know. I needed them to be okay with it, for my own peace of mind.
Carly finally managed to speak, “I’m so sorry. That is awful.”
Well, this is awkward. “Do you think they could do a six-month lease with the option for a few more if something changes with my health?” I asked, changing the subject.
“I’m sure we could work something out,” Carly replied. “The owner of this house moved south to be with his kids after his wife died of cancer—here, I believe. So, I think he’d be more than understanding about it.”
“Really?” Kyle’s face twisted with puzzlement. “That’s an odd coincidence.”
It was, but it also wasn’t—cancer certainly wasn’t uncommon. I wasn’t sure if I was creeped out or if I liked the symmetry.
“It is. Kinda like it was your destiny to be here to… well, you know,” Carly murmured, an innocent smile on her face that made me want to smack her a little. Just a little, though.
I refused to believe it was my destiny to die before I turned thirty, but I tried to appreciate her attempt at reaching out.
She clasped her hands together. “Okay then! Let’s get the paperwork started.”
A yawn overtook me, the chill rolling down my spine. “Sounds perfect. I’m ready for a nap after traveling all day.”
“You guys just came up from Chicago, right?” She tilted her to the side, tapping a finger to her lips as if she wasn’t entirely sure of what she wanted to say next. “I’ve got to ask…why do you want to move now? With everything going on with your health?”
I felt my cheeks heat, a blush creeping up at the question. Odd, since I wasn’t embarrassed by my decision. Clearing my throat, I decided for the truth. “Illinois hasn’t legalized death with dignity like Vermont has.”
Her eyes widened. Kyle looked everywhere but at me.
“Oh, I didn’t…” She rubbed her hands together, fidgeting. “Wow, that’s, um… It’s just not often we hear about that. It’s brave. I supported the legislation when it passed last year.”
Her rambling was so uncomfortable even Beast started whining and put his head down.
I waved a hand in an attempt to change the topic yet again. “I appreciate it. I really wish all states legalized it.”
“Mmhm. Sure.” She nodded her head a bit too vigorously. “I’m probably going to need to mention this to the landlord, of course. Some people are particular, you know? Uh, let’s head back to the office and finish the paperwork. Good? Great. Fantastic. That’s…um…yes, let’s go.” Carly bee-lined for the front door.
Chuckling, I turned to Kyle. “Was it something I said?”
He wasn’t laughing. “I didn’t consider what it would be like telling other people.”
“I hadn’t either,” I admitted, realizing I needed to think of a better explanation for next time. “Do you think we won’t get this place now?”
Kyle shrugged, holding the front door open for me. We lowered our voices as we stepped out onto the porch, but Carly was already sitting in the driver’s seat ready to go. “I’m not sure,” he said. “I never knew much about this until the last few days.”
I hoped it wouldn’t affect our application. “Fingers crossed.”
I was as new to the entire concept as he was, and although I’d gotten a jump start on research, I’d seen him reading every journal article possible over the last few days. I hadn’t considered how others might have an issue with it outside of my family—at least, not to the point where we might be denied a rental home.
Maybe that was naïve.
I gathered Beast and piled back into the car. Two hours later, every line was signed, initialed, and ready to go. She had our phone numbers and would give us a call in the morning to confirm whether we could have the keys or not. If all went well, we’d spend the next few days moving into the new place, getting my dad and sister set up here, requesting a new license from the DMV, and meeting with a doctor.
An entire new chapter of our lives was starting and neither of us knew what to expect. We were trying to prepare ourselves for it, to be ready for whatever may come, but we weren’t even close.
Chapter Twenty-One
Monday, June 23, 2014
* * *
“I’ve called and set up a doctor appointment for tomorrow with Dr. Protos,” Kyle said from where he sat at the desk in our hotel room.
“That’s fine.” I peeked out for only a moment before burying my head under the pillows again. My skull was cracking open, tearing in half and taking my sanity with it. I’d taken the medications prescribed specifically for headaches, but they hadn’t had time to kick in yet, so pillow compresses and darkness were the next best thing. “I’m not sure I’m getting out of bed. I did too much yesterday—the flight, touring the houses—it was too much.”
I could hear Kyle push his chair away from the desk, then felt the bed sag as he sat on the edge a moment later. “You don’t have to; I’ll take care of everything. Just sleep.”
“Can you check in with my dad? I think he’s driving to New York today and spending the night with Elly, then coming here tomorrow.”
“Already talked to him while you were sleeping; he’s doing fine,” Kyle replied, rubbing my leg over the blankets. “He spent half the call grumbling about crazy drivers and the lack of government funding going into improving highways or something.”
I chuckled, then winced at the following pain. “Sounds like Dad.”
Kyle’s phone rang and I groaned, holding the pillow tighter over my head.
“Hello?”
He paused, and I could hear the sound of someone on the other end of the line. “That’s wonderful news. I’ll be by shortly to get the keys!”
“Was that the real estate agent?” I peered out from under the pillow to see him pocketing his cell phone. “Did we get it?”
He nodded, his mouth in a wider grin than I’d seen him sport in weeks. “Yep. We got the bungalow.”
I lifted one brow. “Man, you were really worried we wouldn’t, huh?”
He looked down at his hands for a moment, then returned to the edge of the bed and plopped down beside me. “It’s not about you or me. I’ve been reading more about the Death with Dignity Act. The opposition is…vocal. It’s only been allowed here for the last year, and, since then, only two people have actually gone through with it—none who moved here to do so.”
“It’s a small state, Kyle. There were more people who were prescribed the medication, but didn’t end up taking it,” I countered, leaning my head on his shoulder and curling into his side. “It’s never anyone’s first choice. It’s our last.”
Beast jumped on to the bed and wedged himself between us, twisting on to his back and closing his eyes.
Kyle sighed and squeezed an arm tighter around me. “Are you sure about this, Tessa? Are you sure you want to do this?”
I stared at the pastel photo of a flower on the hotel wall across from the bed. “Right now? Yes, I’m sure this is what I want to do. In a few months when things are deteriorating? I’m not sure.”
Kyle’s brow furrowed. “Why go through this if you’re not sure then?”
Every Last Drop Page 17
