An ache in my chest throbbed harder as I thought about the best way to explain myself. “I want the option. Sure, I know I might change my mind later, but if I were to wait until then to get the medication, it might be too late. I could be too sick to go through the entire approval process.” I ran my hands down the length of my torso, straightening the slouchy tee I was wearing. “Despite the headaches, I’ve actually been feeling better lately. My hair is growing again; my appetite is returning. I look a little less like I’m dying, but we both know in a few months—probably sooner—it won’t look that way.” I gestured up and down my body. “I won’t look like me.”
Kyle laid his hand on top of mine, interlocking our fingers. “We don’t know anything for sure, Tessa. Miracles happen all the time.”
“Maybe, but maybe my miracle already happened. Maybe a six-month warning to say goodbye is exactly that.” I ran my free hand through Beast’s soft fur, swallowing the lump already forming in my throat. “Maybe meeting you and spending my last few years completely in love is the biggest miracle I could have ever asked for.”
“Tessa—” he started.
I couldn’t let him stop me. “I’m serious, Kyle. I think I’ve lived a pretty miraculous life already. I’d obviously love it if suddenly my cancer disappeared, but I have to be realistic. That’s not going to happen.”
He placed a warm, lingering kiss against my forehead and I closed my eyes. “You be realistic; I’m going to be hopeful. Then we’ll have all bases covered.”
Laughter fell from my lips as I turned my body into his for the briefest of moments. “That sounds perfect.”
Another sweet kiss and short embrace, then he slid off the bed and pulled the covers over Beast and me. “Get some rest, Tessa. I’m going to meet the agent and get our keys. We can move in tonight.”
“Okay. Text my dad the address.”
He nodded and leaned down to kiss me again. I yawned and stretched, then curled into the blankets and promptly fell asleep.
* * *
• ღ • ღ • ღ •
* * *
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
* * *
“Tessa!” My sister’s voice traveled across the yard to where I stood on the dock with Beast, watching boats bob on the lake.
I turned and began walking toward her, arms open wide. “Elly!”
Beast beat me to her, running full speed and slamming himself into her legs. She laughed and leaned down to give him a quick cuddle before greeting me with a big hug. It’d been a while since I’d seen her, despite our daily texts and phone calls. She had been busy taking online courses over the summer before her final year of college, and had managed to get ahead enough credits to be able to take off the fall semester and still graduate in May.
Pride didn’t even begin to describe how I felt about her big brain and amazing work ethic. It was impressive as hell, honestly. I’d never had that kind of drive or ambition, which was fine with me since I loved my life. But for my baby sister? Oh, I wanted her to have it all.
She hugged me stiffly, her arms barely bending. “Oh, am I hurting you?”
“A hug won’t break me.” I squeezed her tighter until she finally gave in and embraced me like normal. “I’ve missed you so much, girl. How’s school?”
Her face lit up. “This time next year, I’ll be a college graduate.”
“You’re doing amazing.” I held her at arm’s length, pride pumping through my veins. “I can’t wait to see you walking across that stage.”
She paused, her brows furrowing and her smile strained.
“Oh, right.” I suddenly understood what she was thinking. There’s no chance I’d be there to see her get her diploma. “Almost forgot for a second.”
She swallowed hard, looking down. “Tessa…”
“It’s okay,” I interrupted. “It honestly is. I’ve accepted what’s happening, even if I forget sometimes. I’m not going to spend the time I have left lamenting over what I can’t change. You shouldn’t either.” I’d left my anger behind in Chicago and I had zero plans to let it follow me here.
Elly didn’t look convinced. “You’re right. Um, well, Dad’s starting to unload the van. There isn’t much on there.”
“We didn’t need a lot,” I replied. “Just personal touches and clothes. Have you seen your room yet?”
“No, I’m excited!” Finally, the first genuine smile I’d seen on her since she’d arrived. “The bungalow is so cute, and this view…holy shit.” Elly gazed toward the water and inhaled loudly. “It’s amazing. I feel relaxed just looking at it. Like the perfect vacation spot…um, except—”
“Let’s just enjoy the view, not the reason for why we’re looking at it.” Despite our morbid purpose, she needed to loosen up. I liked forgetting sometimes. I didn’t want to be reminded every second of how few I had left. “I’ll show you your room before I leave. I’ve got a doctor’s appointment in a few.”
“Can I go?”
I shrugged, never minding the company. “Sure, but it might be boring.”
“I don’t mind.” Elly linked her arm with mine as we headed to the house with Beast on our heels. “I don’t care what we’re doing, Tessy. I just want to spend every minute together. It already doesn’t feel like enough.”
“Because it’s not.” My heart ached at the thought, but I tried to push the pain away. “Not even close.”
An hour later, Elly, Kyle, and I were ushered back into an exam room at the doctor’s office. We’d left my dad at home to rest since driving all day had worn him out.
“Dr. Protos will be right in,” a nurse informed us. Elly and Kyle sat in folding chairs against one wall while I climbed onto the padded exam table. “Did you bring the scans from your previous doctor?”
Kyle handed her a copy of my medical records. The envelope wasn’t as thick as I’d expected. Just a thin packet of films. It didn’t really do justice to the magnitude of the tumor’s presence in me.
She took the scans and left us to entertain ourselves with outdated magazines for almost thirty minutes. Finally, a middle-aged doctor entered the room adorned in a long white coat and stethoscope.
“Hi, folks. How are we doing today?” He was cheery and friendly, but I was honestly so irritated by the long wait that I automatically hated him. Okay, so maybe I hadn’t left all my anger in Chicago. He extended a hand, which I shook—but I didn’t like it. “So, Mrs. Falls, these scans. Are they the most recent?”
I nodded my head. “There are two sets, actually. The first was a month ago, and the second was last week.”
He flicked a switch on a white panel on the wall, which lit up. Placing my scans against the bright surface, he stood and stared at them for a moment. “Have you had these results read to you yet?”
“Not yet,” Kyle spoke up. “We got them right before we moved and didn’t have a chance yet.”
“I see.” The doctor glanced over at my husband, then back at the scans. Finally, he switched off the light. “Well, there is a significant difference between the two scans.”
The sudden tenseness in his voice made me squirm.
“What’s that mean?” Elly asked.
Dr. Protos shoved his hands into his pockets and turned to face me. “The tumor is growing faster than your doctor originally predicted. It’s remarkable, accelerating at this speed.”
My stomach began doing somersaults. I hadn’t anticipated more bad news after you’re dying. That seemed like the worst case, but you’re dying quicker is so much worse. “But I feel fine. My headaches are here and there, but that’s about it.”
“That’s completely normal,” Dr. Protos confirmed with a small nod. “You’re healing from the radiation, which can make symptoms decline. The cancer, however…it’s progressing quickly. At this rate of growth, more severe symptoms—vision loss, seizures—will begin to develop in the next eight weeks.”
“Two months?” I asked, nearly choking on my words as they tumbled from my lips. “I
was told five. Five months.”
The doctor switched back on the light behind my scans and began pointing out to me the difference between the two, leaving no doubt. Two months until my symptoms worsened. Four months until I died…at best.
“Shit.” Kyle exhaled loudly. “That’s much sooner than we thought.”
A month might not be very long, but when there’s one less before death... it felt as if a lifetime had just been stolen from me.
Dr. Protos continued, “I’ll prescribe anti-seizure and pain medications to make you as comfortable as possible. Do you have hospice care in place? My staff can make some calls for you, help get you into one of the best facilities in the state.”
I nodded as if I was listening instead of trying to summon the courage to ask for what I really wanted. “I also need a prescription for secobarbital or pentobarbital.”
His mouth fell open slightly and he looked wide-eyed between Kyle, Elly, and me. I sat taller and pushed back my shoulders, unwavering. Kyle did the same, but Elly dipped her chin, her hands clenched together so tightly, they were turning white.
Dr. Protos pulled his hands from his pockets and crossed his arms over his chest. “This is why you moved to Vermont? The death with dignity legislation? It is legal as of last year, but it’s still extremely rare. I believe it’s only occurred twice since—and certainly not at this practice.”
“I’m aware. I’ve done my research. I’ve made my decision, and I’m more than ready to go through the steps necessary,” I assure him. “What do I need to do?”
“I apologize, Mrs. Falls, but you’ll have to seek that type of aid from someone else.” He was already backing toward the door, like he was about to make a break for it. “I won’t be a participant to assisted suicide. I’m a God-fearing man, Mrs. Falls.”
“You’re a doctor…in a state where it’s legal,” I sputtered, blinking hard in confusion. I could feel the heat of embarrassment already rushing up my cheeks. “I’m terminal, you said so yourself. I meet all the criteria.”
He nodded, but it already felt condescending. “I did say that, but we don’t get the right to hasten death along. When it’s our time, it’s our time.”
Kyle stood from his chair so fast, it almost flipped over behind him. “Says who?”
“God.” Dr. Protos simply shrugged, not even remotely fearful of the rage in my husband’s eyes. Mistake.
“God wants her to suffer?” Kyle was yelling now, stepping closer to the doctor with a menacing expression. “God says she has to wait to die? She has to wait until after her body can no longer handle the pain? God says that?”
Elly and I both stood, alarmed at the escalation. She placed a hand on Kyle’s shoulder, pulling him backwards slightly. I stepped between him and Dr. Protos, not saying anything, but trying to block their argument from continuing with my body. Not sure what I’d do if they actually started throwing punches, but I hadn’t thought that far ahead.
Dr. Protos stood his ground. “Mr. Falls, this isn’t up for debate. I am not legally required to prescribe medication I don’t think is in the best interest of the patient—whether it’s legal in this state or not. You’ll need to look elsewhere, although I truly hope you won’t.”
With that, he left the room.
“I swear to God, I’m going to kill him.” Kyle’s jaw was set, his teeth clenched. “That fucking asshole!”
“There are other doctors,” I said, barely above a whisper. “It’ll be okay.”
I didn’t even believe myself, but I tried to calm him down anyway.
Honestly, there was no reason why I hadn’t expected some resistance. It was foolish to assume every doctor in Vermont would be on board with the state legislation. But, damn…that was embarrassing. The way Dr. Protos had stared at me with disgust…freaking humiliating.
Shaking his head, Kyle growled. “Let’s just get the fuck out of here.”
Yes, please.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
* * *
“I can’t believe the nerve of that pompous jackass.” Kyle stomped around the bungalow’s kitchen after we’d returned home. “He’s a doctor. He’s supposed to help ease suffering—not add to it!”
I didn’t respond. He wasn’t looking for me to talk sense into him. He wanted to vent and I was more than fine with letting him.
My sister, on the other hand, was clearly itching to speak from where she sat next to me on a stool at the counter. “He could have been more tactful, but I think he’s right,” Elly finally said.
The hell? I swivel my stool to face her. “What do you mean you think he’s right?”
“It’s wrong to kill yourself, Tessa. I know I can’t change what you’re going to do, and I know this might hurt your feelings, but I’d regret it if I never said anything.” She popped an orange slice in her mouth and I almost reached out to slap it off her tongue.
Kyle stopped in his tracks. “Are you fucking kidding, El?”
I put my hand up and glared at him. “Kyle! Why don’t you take Beast for a walk?”
The dog came bounding into the kitchen seconds later, holding his leash in his mouth. He was upsettingly smart when he wanted to be.
Kyle shot us both an angry look, but grabbed the leash and left with Beast.
I waited until I heard the front door close before I spoke. “Why didn’t you tell me you felt this way weeks ago, Elly? You were so supportive on the phone.”
Elly stood and walked to the sink, rinsing her hands from the orange. “I am supportive of you, but I didn’t know what to say. I was so shocked by the announcement in the first place.” She leaned against the counter across from me and dried her hands. “I’d never considered the option. Never even knew enough about it to know how I felt. But I’ve been doing some reading…” She inhaled deeply, finally letting her gaze meet mine. Tears brimmed her bottom lashes, her voice strained. “It just doesn’t feel right, Tessa. It’s suicide—the easy way out.”
“You’re right. It is the easy way out.” I emptied my lungs with a sigh. “But why do I have to take the hard way? Why endure the pain when I can avoid it? What lessons are there in that? The outcome is no different.”
“I don’t know, but there has to be a reason. God does everything for a reason. He’s the only one who chooses when we die.” Elly wiped an escaped tear from her cheek. “I’ve been going back to church and that’s what my priest says.”
I dropped a hand on top of Elly’s. “I went to a priest before I decided, and I feel comfortable with my decision, in part because of my conversation with him.”
Elly’s brows furrowed, her frown deepening. “You did?”
“I did, and, personally, I agree. God will pick the day and time I die.” Her eyes widened when I said that. “I think when I feel the time is right—the gut feeling of knowing now—could very well be God. And if He doesn’t want me to die when I take those pills, I won’t. Something will go wrong, and I’ll be kept here.” Though that possibility terrified me. “It’s happened before. There have been a few people who have taken it, but didn’t die, or took an extremely long time to die from it. God does decide in the end. but He also provided us with our minds, our free will, our ability to create these medications, make these decisions. God doesn’t want me to suffer— if I know anything, I know that.”
Elly shook her head. “I don’t know, Tessa. It just seems too big a decision. How will you know when you’re ready? To never be here again? Never see Kyle, or Dad, or me ever again?” Her voice trailed off, a small strangled sound coming from her throat “How do you make that choice?”
A tightness formed in my chest at the thought. I’d asked myself that same question more than once. “I don’t know, but I’m hoping one day it will just feel right.”
She was quiet for a minute, staring out the window over the sink facing the lake. “It doesn’t feel right to die when you’re only twenty-eight.”
“I am going to die, Elly.” I wonde
red if she was more upset that it was happening, rather than how.
“Can you please stop saying that?” She crossed her arms over her chest, her jaw tight. “Just stop.”
“No.” I shook my head, my voice sterner now. “At some point, you’re going to have to accept that this is happening no matter what. No matter how.”
She shook her head for the millionth time, now staring at a spot on the wall behind me and visibly biting the inside of her cheek. As much as I wanted to take away her grief, I knew from my own struggle in finding radical acceptance in my situation, that this was a path she’d have to walk alone.
“Elly, I’m not asking you to agree with me. Or to change how you feel.” I pushed up from the stool and faced her, my palms pressed together as if I was praying. “I’m only asking for you to be here with me, and for me. I know that’s selfish, but I’d be absolutely crushed if you were so angry, you left.”
“I’m not angry, Tessa. I’m...” She sighed, her hands dropping to her sides and her shoulders slumping. “I don’t know what I am, but maybe I shouldn’t go with you to doctor appointments anymore.”
“Fair enough,” I agreed, even though nothing had felt fair in a long time.
“I love you, Tessa,” she continued. “I just don’t like what you’re doing.”
I swallowed my nerves with a deep inhale. This was the right choice for me, despite the opposition. “I’m not changing my mind, El.”
She nodded slowly. “I know.”
* * *
• ღ • ღ • ღ •
* * *
Thursday, July 3, 2014
* * *
Two weeks and four different doctors later, I was no closer to getting the prescription for pentobarbital than I had been in Chicago. One stated religious reasons, another worried about malpractice suits, another claimed it would violate his oath as a doctor to help and not hurt, and the last said it was just too controversial and new.
Every Last Drop Page 18
