Marley’s promise that I could still make a difference filled me with a familiar feeling of purpose and passion. This article could help others, and my book could help my family. I could still help. That’s who I was.
That’s who I wanted to be when I died.
My resolve hardened and I knew then and there that not only would I do the article, but I was going to finish this book. I was going to make sure it was published.
Cancer be damned—I had a purpose.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
* * *
“What’s all this?” Kyle asked, entering the bedroom later that evening.
I glanced at him, taking a second to appreciate his rock-hard muscles pressing against the fabric of his shirt. His biceps looked like they might rip his sleeves completely, and a stirring in my core definitely appreciated the view.
“Hello to you, too,” I said, a flirtatious lilt to my words.
His eyes darkened and his jaw set as he stalked over to me. My wandering eyes must have been a dead giveaway to what I was thinking. “Tessa…” he growled, a timbre in his voice that vibrated inside me.
I waved to the pile of books and papers around me. “I’m just doing some research.”
“Research for what?” He pushed aside enough to be able to sit on the bed. His fingers trailed down my inner thigh.
“The Death with Dignity Act, not only in Vermont, but everywhere. Carly’s sister was here earlier, she’s a journalist—”
His brows furrowed, and he looked confused. “Our real estate agent?”
“Yep, her little sister is Marley—long story—but she wants to write an article about me and what I’m doing. She does freelance, so I’m not sure where it will end up being published, but I think it’s a good idea. I think I could make a difference. So many of these laws and cases—” I gestured to the stack of papers around me. “They cause so much suffering, and they take away any freedom we have over our own bodies.”
“Tessa,” Kyle began, a groan following my name. “This is a sensitive topic. You know that.”
Piling up the rest of my papers, I put them on the nightstand. “It’s also my life. And I had to upend everything for it. You did, too. We shouldn’t have had to do that, and maybe if I talk publicly about it, then we can save someone else the hassle we had to go through.”
Kyle’s tongue slid across his lower lip and he moved farther on to the bed, resting against the headboard. “Tessa, I don’t regret moving here. I don’t regret doing anything for you.”
My eyes flickered to his. “Wait…you’re not mad about what I’m going to do?”
“Mad?” He looked surprised. “I’ve never been mad at you, babe. I just…” His voice trailed off, like he was still deciding what to say. I took the opportunity to crawl into his lap, draping my legs over his and resting my head against his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. “It just hurts my heart, Tessa. I’m going to lose you, and it hurts that you want to leave me sooner than you have to.”
I tilted my head to look at him. His jaw was set, green eyes shining as he stared straight ahead. “Kyle…”
He didn’t let me finish. Instead, he dipped his chin and found my lips with his. It was soft and sweet, gentle presses and nips. I slid my hand from his chest to his neck, pulling him closer. Need grew inside me—for him, for our connection. There’d been so much tension, frustration, but it felt different now. The lines were fading, and something new and open had taken its place.
The soft caress of his lips quickly became not enough. His hunger seemed to grow with mine as he pulled me down on the bed, stretching me beneath him. I pressed my hips against his and he growled in my ear before finding my lips again.
He pulled my lower lip between his, sucking on it before moving to my top lip. My tongue slid forward, meeting his, dancing around each other as my nails pressed into his back and one of his hands slid down my side. Slipping inside my pants, he reached between my legs as I anchored my knees to the outside of his hips.
His finger teased me, my back arching off the bed. I groaned into his mouth. He pushed into me and I begged him to keep going. He kissed my jaw, tracing his way to my ear, and whispering how much he loved me. Pleasure built inside me, stiffening my muscles and stealing my breath as his hand picked up the pace.
Stars splintered behind my eyes and I fell over the edge, clinging to him like he was the only thing keeping me grounded, keeping me here. And in this moment, he was.
He whispered in my ear, told me to let go, assured me he had me, he loved me, he’d always love me. My heart burst into a million little pieces as my body followed suit.
“Kyle, please, I need you,” I begged him when I found my breath again. I pushed my pants down and wiggled out of them. He quickly did the same and was pressed against me seconds later.
“Tell me if it’s too much,” he warned, hovering above me and promising me ecstasy with every thrust of his hips.
“You’ve always been too much,” I teased.
He grinned from ear to ear. “You’re damn right, I am.”
With that, he pushed inside me and filled my heart completely. Our lips pressed together, I wrapped my arms around his neck as we moved together. He was careful, but he wasn’t holding back. I needed him, and this was everything we once were and more. I’d spent the last few weeks forgetting who I was, forgetting what made me happy. My singular focus had made me miss time I could have had doing just this. Being with my husband, being in love, being us.
I wasn’t going to waste another moment.
My body began to build with anticipation as each press brought me closer and closer to shattering. The strength in Kyle’s shoulders and arms as I held onto him sent a thrill through me, our lips fused together as our bodies met again and again.
“Together,” he whispered, curving one hand beneath me to lift my hips. “Together, Tessa.”
I nodded, as ready as he was. The new angle was everything I needed, my body trembling as the first few waves slid through me. Increasing the pressure, he moved faster and my eyes pressed closed as I tried to find my breath while losing complete control of my body.
Kyle groaned, holding me still against him as I pulsed around him. “Fucking hell, Tessa.” His breathing slowed as his grip loosened, leaving me sated and floating beneath him. “You always feel so amazing.”
I kissed him softly, telling him everything I was feeling in the way I held his face and touched his lips. He heard me and he replied, returning my affection with more of his own.
He slid to the bed, my back to his chest, wrapping an arm around me. “What can I do to help with the article?” he asked after a few quiet moments cuddling.
I bit my bottom lip to keep from smiling too wide, but I couldn’t stop the grin on my face at both his acceptance and his support. “Nothing. I just need you.”
“And I need you.” He nuzzled his nose against my cheek. “I’ll always need you.”
I took his hands in mine, wrapping them tighter around me, enjoying the squeezing feeling of being so close to him. “I’ll always be around, somehow.”
He didn’t say anything. I started talking, telling him everything I’d learned in my research, as well as everything Marley had told me. He listened quietly, his thumb gently stroking my forearm.
Kyle kissed my neck again. “I would do that if you asked me, Tessa. If you needed me, I would.”
I quickly turned around in his arms to face him, horror in my voice. “I’d never want you to kill yourself, Kyle. Never. Promise me.”
“No, not that. Of course, I’d never do that. I mean…” He looked like he was contemplating it for a moment. “Maybe if I was eighty and we’d been married sixty years.”
“Kyle, I’m serious.” I shook my head adamantly. “Don’t you dare.”
“Relax, Tessa.” He smiled and kissed me on the tip of my nose. “What I meant was I’d do it for you. If it hadn’t been
legal and there was no other way, and you asked me to help you…I’d help you. I wouldn’t like it, but I’d do it if you were suffering and that’s what you wanted.”
I stared at him for a minute, both loving he’d do something like that for me and also grateful he didn’t have to. Brushing my fingers over his cheek, I cupped his face and kissed him. “You’re already helping me. So much.”
“It’ll never be enough,” he whispered against my lips. “You deserve so much more. More than twenty-eight years.” His voice trembled, straining. “More than I can give you.”
“You gave me all your love.” I brushed my hand through his hair and pushed my hips against his so we were completely touching from head to toe. “You’ve given me everything, Kyle.”
He groaned and I felt him press against my hips. “I want to give you more. I want more time. I want…more.”
“Take what you want from me.” I hooked a knee over his hips and kissed his neck. “I’d give you anything.”
He pushed my legs apart, moving over me and cradling my head in his hands. “I’ve only ever wanted you, Tessa.”
“Take me then.” I licked my lips, never taking my eyes from his. “I’m yours.”
He pushed inside me, his lips hovering above mine. “Tessa, if this is all I get, if a few years with you is all I will have, then I’ve already lived a better life than I ever could have dreamed of.”
Tears pricked my eyes as I pressed my mouth to his. “All my love, Kyle.”
“All my love, Tessa.”
Chapter Thirty-Three
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
* * *
My eyes blinked open slowly from the warm sun beating down on my face. It was higher than most mornings, and when I turned to find the clock announcing it was almost ten, I realized I’d slept in later than usual. Stretching my body, I felt a dull, satiated ache between my legs and grinned, remembering my night with Kyle.
He was still sleeping beside me with Beast curled against him. The sight made me smile—my giant husband spooning a tiny, fluffy white dog.
My heart felt fuller than it had in a long time as I slid out of bed, careful not to disturb either of them. I pulled on a satin robe, cinching it at the waist and stepped into a pair of soft slippers. The more weight I lost, mostly from muscle mass, the quicker my bones began to ache, starting with the soles of my feet.
The kitchen was bathed in sunlight, and I eagerly went to the coffee maker and began brewing a cup for myself. Staring out the big window over the sink that looked to the lake, I found myself appreciating that I could wake to a sight this beautiful. It felt like a permanent vacation, though our purpose here was anything but.
“Tessy?”
I turned to see my sister standing in the kitchen doorway, my laptop in her hands. “Good morning.”
“Morning.” She sat down at the breakfast bar, propping open my computer in front of her. “You making coffee?”
I eyed her suspiciously, not wanting to snatch my computer from her, but also wondering why she had it. “Yeah, do you want a cup?”
“Sure, thanks.”
Her eyes didn’t meet mine, but I didn’t push her. Instead, I pulled a second mug out of the cabinet and poured her some.
“Thanks.” She held the mug to her nose and took a big sniff. “You always make it better than anyone else.”
I pulled out a tall chair next to hers and sat down. We both sipped our coffees for a minute before I finally nodded to the computer. “So, what are you doing on there?”
She blushed and put her mug down. “I read your book. Or what you have so far.” She pointed the screen toward me and my manuscript stared back at me.
My brows pinched together. “Jeez, Elly. That’s kind of an invasion of privacy without asking me. I mean, I would have shown you if I’d known you wanted to see it.”
“I know, and I’m sorry, but you left it open last night and curiosity got the better of me. I stayed up all night reading it.” She looked at me sheepishly, her hands folded as if in a prayer. “Please don’t be mad.”
“I’m not mad, El. Things are just…between us…it’s—”
“It’s awkward,” she finished for me. “I know. And that’s why I read it. You and I have never been like this.” She gestured between us. “We’ve never spent this long barely talking, and I hate it.”
I nibbled my lower lip. “I do, too.”
“I wanted to understand. To really understand.” She sniffed, the tears welling in her eyes ripping at my heart. “You’re everything to me, Tessa. Literally, everything. I don’t want our last few months to be like this. I don’t want you to hate me.”
I reached forward, grabbing her shoulders and pulling her toward me. “Hate you? My god, El, that’s literally impossible!”
She dropped her head to my shoulder, her arms hugging my waist. I rubbed my hand in circles over her back, cradling her to me. “I love you, baby girl. Always, no matter what. You’re my everything, too.”
“The book is so great, Tessy.” She sniffed again, her words mumbled against my shoulder. “I understand now.”
I leaned back, holding her at arm’s length as I searched her red-rimmed eyes. “You do?”
She nodded. “Everything about Mom? All those stories about the good times with her, then the not-good when she became sick the first time, then the second. Her death. I didn’t know all of those stories.”
“You were so young,” I reminded her.
“And I missed so much because of that. I missed so much of her. If I’d had to watch her suffer…watch her die…I couldn’t do it.”
I wiped a tear from her cheek with my thumb. She picked up her coffee, taking another sip. I let mine sit, waiting for her to continue.
“I think I was so upset for so long because those pills, this move, this entire plan—it felt like you wanted to leave me sooner than you had to. But, when I read your book, the stories of Mom, all the examples of other people and research…I realized I’d rather miss you sooner than watch you suffer.”
“El—”
“No, I’m serious, Tessa.” She put her mug down and set her jaw firmly. Her tears were gone, and in their place was resolve. Fierce, tough, determined—this was the sister I knew.
“I don’t want to miss this time with you fighting. I don’t want to miss a single moment, especially when there are so few left. You’re my big sister, but you’re also my mother. I just want my mother.”
“Oh, Elly, me, too.” I hugged her again, somehow even tighter this time. My heart swelled in my chest, simultaneously devastated and elated. I ached for the loss I knew she’d experience soon, but I finally had my sister back.
“I love you, Tessy,” she whispered.
“I love you more, El.”
Chapter Thirty-Four
Monday, August 18, 2014
* * *
“Hey, Malaika,” I greeted the bubbly, young nurse at the front door. I stepped aside to let her in.
“Good morning, Tessa!” Her tiny frame bounced past me and headed straight for the dining room where we always did morning vitals. “How are you feeling today?”
“Same as the last few days.” I shrugged, following her. I sat in the chair at the end of the table as she busied herself setting up.
“So, good and bad, huh?” She slid a stethoscope around her neck, placing the buds in each ear.
I stretched my arm out across the table. “Exactly. I’ll be fine for a while, even energetic sometimes. Then suddenly, I’ll be drained and dizzy, or get an intense ache and have to sit down.”
She held the stethoscope against my arm, carefully monitoring her watch as she listened. We were both silent for a moment, letting her count the beats.
“That sounds low,” I said when she announced my blood pressure.
“It is, but not enough to be too concerned.” She draped the stethoscope around her neck and then pulled out a small metal clip with a red light inside it, clamping it over my finger until it
beeped. She recorded the number and then pulled the small box of daily medications out of her bag. “I’m going to get you some water and you’ll take these.”
I waited while she walked to the cupboard and took out a glass. She’d been coming every day for a week, and already knew her way around. I was comfortable with her, enjoyed her company even. She came while most of the house was still sleeping, but I enjoyed my private morning chats with her and getting to know about her life. Her baby daddy was out of the picture, but she was working hard to make a life for herself and her unborn child anyway. She wasn’t feeling sorry for herself—she was taking charge of her life, and I loved that about her.
“Ooh!” Malaika paused in front of the counter, putting down the jug of water she’d been pouring into a glass. “That was quite a kick!”
“Are you okay?”
She smiled and returned, grabbing my hand. I startled for a second, not expecting her to touch me, but I let her guide my palm to her stomach. She held it firmly against the underside of her swollen belly and I felt the unmistakable movement of a foot slamming against my fingers.
“Whoa!” I exclaimed.
“She’s been quiet all morning,” Malaika giggled. “I guess we woke her up!”
My smile spread wide as I felt her little girl make her presence known. “I guess we did.”
Malaika let go of my hand. “Ready to take your pills now?”
I pulled away reluctantly, missing the brief connection with her baby—with a baby. My heart squeezed at the reminder, but I pushed away the thought. I couldn’t dwell on things I’d never have. It wasn’t fair to myself, and it was something I was working hard to stop doing. “Yeah, I’m ready.”
She opened the ‘Monday’ slot and poured its contents into my waiting palm. I tossed them to the back of my throat and quickly swallowed a few gulps of water, grimacing at the feeling of the giant pills sliding down my throat. I was getting more and more used to it every day, but I hated taking medication—I always had.
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