My brows furrowed. “I don’t know if I want to go viral.”
“I don’t think it would be a bad thing,” Kyle said. “You could be an advocate for the Death with Dignity Act.”
“I agree with Mr. Falls,” Malaika spoke up, slinging her bag over her shoulder. “You’re an inspiration to me just from meeting you. Imagine being able to do that for people all over the globe.”
“If it were up to me, no one would ever have to be in a position to make that decision.” I frowned, wondering if I could really be of influence to anyone. A huge part of me wanted to be. I wanted to be an advocate, I wanted to help—but it felt impossible to do since I wouldn’t be here much longer. Can I still be inspiring if I’m dead? “Is my legacy only going to be my death?”
“Definitely not,” Kyle replied immediately.
Malaika shook her head in agreement with him. “Your legacy is how you lived, Tessa. Dying is only the end of your story, not the entire story.”
I stared at her for a second, hoping that was true. Wanting it to be true. Wanting there to be a lot more to me than what someone could read in a magazine about how I died.
Chapter Forty-Three
Saturday, September 6, 2014
* * *
“This was a good idea.” I surveyed my freshly painted toes and fingers. “Do you like this color? Too sparkly?”
Elly glanced at me from the driver’s seat. “The perfect amount of sparkly.”
I smiled, happy to have spent the last few hours with my sister getting our nails and hair done—not that I had a ton of hair to work with, but a nice scalp massage had really made my day. Elly wasn’t usually a girly-girl, so I’d been surprised when she’d suggested we go. After the article’s revelation this morning, I was feeling a bit emotional.
Some time to unwind was exactly what I needed.
“Shit,” Elly mumbled under her breath as she pulled the car onto our street.
“What?”
“Nothing,” she said, suddenly nonchalant.
She was so quick to brush it off, I immediately became suspicious. Looking around, I noticed an unusually high number of cars parked by our house, and my dad was on the front porch quickly ushering someone inside and slamming the door shut behind them.
“Wait, what’s going on?” Who was visiting?
“I don’t know.” Elly cleared her throat, her voice a slightly higher pitch now—a dead giveaway that she was full of it.
“Liar,” I accused with a slight chuckle. “Jeez, you’re still a terrible liar. Tell me what’s happening? Is it a surprise? Oh! Oh!” Suddenly it hit me. “Is it a surprise party? For New Year’s Eve?”
Elly put the car in park in the driveway and huffed, unbuckling her seatbelt. “It’s…not a surprise party totally.”
“Okay…” I was lost.
She chewed on the edge of her lip. “It is actually New Year’s Eve themed, but remember when you said you didn’t want people to mourn you after… you know? That you wanted to celebrate your life with everyone you loved?”
I looked down at her all-black outfit—the new one she’d insisted on wearing today. The complete opposite of my entirely white outfit that she’d also picked out for me—white linen pants hung loosely around jutting hips, with a thin white tee under a flowy white sweater open in the front, the sides hanging loosely down the sides of my breasts. She’d even picked out my jewelry, which I so rarely wore but had agreed to today. Not to mention the freshly painted nails and newly styled hair the stylist had fluffed just enough to make my haircut look like a choice rather than a symptom.
It all made sense now.
“Is this—” I took a deep breath to steady my racing heart. “Is this my…?” The word wouldn’t come out, though I wasn’t afraid of it.
“It’s your funeral, Tessa.”
I exhaled fast, blowing the air out of my lungs in one long gust as her words settled in me.
“Dad and Kyle didn’t want me to tell you, or to phrase it like that. They wanted it to be a surprise. And it still is a surprise, or it would have been if they’d parked the cars where I told them.” Elly sighed then twisted in the driver’s seat to face me, her hands resting on my forearm. “I just thought I should tell you before we go in. I don’t know, I thought—”
I squeezed her hands. “No, you did the right thing. I’m glad I have this second. I would have needed it. I don’t want everyone in there to see me freak out.”
“You’re freaked out?” She frowned. “Shit, we screwed up.”
I clucked my tongue like a mother hen. “Since when did you take up cursing so much?”
A sly smile spread over her face, the mood lightening ever so slightly. “Sorry, Mom.”
My lips twitched. The truth was I wasn’t upset with them at all. I was relieved. I was honored. I was…a little excited? I’d told them long before that the idea of a funeral sucked donkey balls.
Everyone saying nice stuff about you after you can no longer hear it? That’s some bull. Let me relish in those compliments. Can’t a dying girl get an ego boost?
Plus, I didn’t want people reminiscing and sad. I wanted people dancing, celebrating—full of life and love like me. I’d mentioned it a couple of times to my dad and to Kyle, but with the move to Vermont, I’d pretty much assumed it was off the table. I was getting sicker quickly and couldn’t make a trip back to Chicago.
Despite this being exactly what I wanted, the initial realization of what this was…yeah, I’d need a second to process that and be a little freaked out. That made me all the more grateful my sister knew me well enough to let me do that in private.
“I’m not freaked out,” I finally said after a quiet moment passed between us—at least I wasn’t anymore. “Thanks for telling me. I’m glad I knew before walking in there.” I glanced down at the cane jutting up from the wheel well and resting against my thigh. “Well, hobble in there.”
Elly laughed. “I’m so glad you’re not mad. I wasn’t a fan of this entire process to begin with, but Kyle insisted it’s what you wanted.”
“It is,” I said, pulling off my seatbelt. “He’s right.”
Elly gave a happy nod, and then stepped out of the car, coming around to my side. I waited for her, letting her open the door for me. Maneuvering my body to face out, I put the end of the cane down on the asphalt.
“Need a hand?” Elly hovered, looking around for what she could help with.
I shook my head, pulling my partially-useless leg out of the car and taking a deep breath. Exhaling, I pushed myself up onto the cane and my feet.
“I got it,” I said, unsure at first until I found my balance and nodded. “Yep, I got this.”
“Okay,” she said, still looking reluctant.
Moving out of the way, she closed the car door after me. She was back by my side in seconds, acting ready to catch me if I fell—more than a little ridiculous since despite how tiny I was now, my sister had never been much bigger. I’m sure I’d still flatten her like a…what’s the word? Just kidding, I knew, pancake. Fucking pancakes.
When we reached the front door, I took a second to fluff my hair, adjust my clothes, and scan my outfit. I thought I looked pretty good, especially after a day of glamour, but my body made no secret of my illness. My skin was pale—very pale—and clung to my bones with very little muscle mass left. My clothes were baggy, hiding a lot of it, but the cancer could still be seen in the way my knuckles protruded from my hands, or my cheekbones pushed from my face.
“Do I look okay?” I asked Elly, suddenly nervous to see everyone—and I didn’t even know who everyone would be.
“You look beautiful,” Elly insisted, and there wasn’t a hint of high-pitched lying in her tone. “Ethereal, actually.”
I smiled. “All right, let’s do this.”
Elly opened the front door and I stepped inside the dark foyer.
“What happened to the lights?” I asked, purposefully trying to play up the “surprise” act. Elly flipped o
n the lights, but the room was empty. “Wait, where is everyone?”
She put a finger to her lips, and then pointed toward the back of the house. I could see everyone milling on the porch through the glass door, and by everyone, I mean everyone.
Elly slid open the glass doors and I hobbled onto the illuminated porch. It was decorated beautifully—a table and grill to one side with enough food and drinks to feed an army. String lights hung across the yard between the trees, and everyone was adorned with New Year’s Eve style glasses with the year on the frames and party hats that said Happy New Year!
“Tessa! Surprise!” Kyle stepped forward, both his hands up in greeting. The rest of the party turned their attention to me, greeting me with a big “Surprise!”
“What’s all this?” I squeaked out, not actually from surprise, but more from the sudden loud noise of an entire crowd screaming at me and Beast running full force into my cane.
Kyle lunged forward to steady me. “You okay?”
“Oh, sure,” I laughed. “Nothing like scaring a dying lady to death.”
Kyle rolled his eyes. “Morbid, babe.”
“So is a funeral for someone still alive,” I teased.
“Not a funeral,” he replied. “A celebration of life.”
“I thought you didn’t believe in that kind of thing.” I wrapped my arms around him, kissing him softly.
“I don’t,” he replied, his lips moving from mine to my nose, then to my forehead. “But I love my wife.”
I sighed happily. “I love you.”
“All my love,” he replied, then turned us to face the crowd. Almost everyone was wearing black, or dark shades, but it didn’t look morbid. It didn’t look sad. It looked like a party—and with the music blaring, it sounded like one too. “Let’s get this party started!”
The crowd whooped and for the first time, my eyes started picking out individual people, and that’s when my emotions really hit me.
Kyle’s parents, Elias and Dixie Falls. His brother, Michael, and his sister, Cat. My dad and sister, of course. Dr. Page and Dr. Morales. Carly and Marley. Friends from Chicago. Classmates. Malaika and her baby bump, a handsome man I didn’t recognize with his arm around her shoulder. My old boss. And…Delores.
“Oh, hun,” Delores’ sweet, familiar voice caressed me. Her chocolatey skin was as smooth and beautiful as I remembered, a toothy grin warming my heart. “I’ve missed you something fierce.”
I threw my arms around her neck, hugging her tightly—no small feat when you have a cane. “Delores! I missed you so much!”
She’d been my nurse through the chemo treatments, but she’d been so much more. She’d been my friend when I needed one, a cheerleader when I wasn’t, and an advocate when my words dried up. In fact, I’d written extensively about her in my book because of how much she impacted me at the biggest moments of my illness.
She squeezed me tighter, her hand on the back of my head, like a mom cradling her child. I sank into her chest, letting her baby me. I needed it. She knew. When we pulled apart, she gave me a huge grin. “Still got that smooth as hell head, girl.”
I laughed, the happiness bursting from me in a loud exhale. “But I’ve got more hair finally. Like it?” I touched the edges of my mane.
“It looks fantastic,” she assured me. I knew she wasn’t lying. “How are you doing?”
“I’m…” I shrugged my shoulders, as if there weren’t words to fit.
Delores nodded, and I knew I didn’t have to explain. “Yeah.”
“Yeah,” I agreed.
“When’s the big day?” She’d never been one to hold her punches. She glanced at my cane and the new pair of reading glasses on the end of my nose. “Soon?”
“Soon.”
She hugged me again, and it felt sadder this time. “You do you, Tessy girl. Take care of you.”
“I’m trying.” That was how we talked. That was all we needed.
“By the way, have you seen my calves?” She pulled up her pant legs to show very muscular calves on both legs. “Told you that crooked floor apartment would do me good. Like, bam!” She flexed each to her own personal soundtrack and I laughed.
“Just like Serena!” I said, teasing.
Delores clapped her hands over her head. “Yes, girl! I just need me some hand-eye coordination and a tennis racket, and you won’t be able to tell the two of us apart!”
“Tessa!” My mother-in-law, Dixie, gave me a big wave from behind Delores. Most people in the party were milling around enjoying food and drinks, but a small line had formed of people waiting to talk to me.
“I’ll let you talk to everyone else,” Delores said with a sly grin, like she and I had a secret no one else knew about. And we kind of did—the type of secret you couldn’t put words to. “I’m gonna find you again ’fore this party is over.”
I nodded. “Please do.”
“In the meantime, I’m about to stuff my face with your food and beer, hun.”
I laughed when she headed straight for the buffet line. My mother-in-law took her place—a vision in a flowing black kimono with chunky wooden jewelry around her neck and arms painted in vibrant neon colors.
“Tessa, darling!” She embraced me, swaying like we were dancing—which made me have to focus on not toppling over. When she pulled away, she kept her hands on my shoulders. “Look at you, you’re glowing!”
“I am?”
She nodded emphatically. “You are. How are you feeling? You look like you’ve lost weight.”
I let out a light chuckle, tipping my head to the side—duh, lady. “Yeah, I’ve lost weight.”
“I’m sorry we couldn’t come sooner. Elias and I—Elias, baby?” She turned to look for her husband, who came up and gave me another huge hug. “Elias and I were in Bali.”
“You were in Bali?” Totally normal.
“It was very eat, pray, love, darling. Wasn’t it, baby?” She looked to her husband for confirmation.
“Oh, definitely. We re-centered ourselves, found our chi, our inner child yearning to be free. We explored tantric orgasms—though that wasn’t part of the course—but I’m telling you, there is nothing more centering than meditating nude inside the person you love.”
My eyes widened at the mental image he was painting.
“Jesus H. Christ, Dad! Mom!” Kyle must have heard the last part, circling his arm around my waist. “Can we keep conversations PG, please?”
“Sweetheart, you’ve got to be more open to living. Sex is a natural part of life—an amazing part.” Dixie winked at her husband and Kyle made a gagging noise. “Actually, I wanted to ask you, Tessa—”
I immediately guessed I wouldn’t like where this was going.
“Are you two still having sex in your condition?” she finished. “It’s so healing, not just for your soul, but your body.”
Elias nodded emphatically. “If you guys aren’t; you need to be. Every day, all day. I always tell your mother, when I go, I want it to be on top of her.”
“Or behind me,” Dixie teased.
Yep, I was right. This was the worst.
Kyle grabbed at his chest, his head tilting back. “Lord, take me now.”
“This kid. Always with the theatrics.” Dixie rubbed her son’s shoulder. “Do you want to smoke with me? It’ll loosen you up.”
“You brought weed?” Kyle asked, not sounding surprised. “How did you get it on the plane?”
“My love center, of course.” She shrugged, as if it were obvious.
I still hadn’t said anything yet—partially because they were talking a-million-miles-an-hour, and because I was still trying to mentally bleach the image of my in-laws doing naked-yoga-monkey-sex from my brain. I wasn’t even remotely ready to process weed from my mother-in-law’s vagina yet.
Kyle, however, made a choking noise and grabbed a bottle of beer from a caterer’s tray and downed the entire thing in a matter of seconds.
“Ooh, I saw your article, Tessa,” Dixie added.
“What a blessing. Very powerful, very I-am-woman-hear-me-roar.”
“Fuck death,” Elias chimed in, in agreement. “You have the power.”
I put the verbal trauma of their earlier mental images on the back burner for now. “Thanks. I’m honored to reach so many people.”
“You’re changing lives, Tessa—and in your final hour,” Dixie continued, before turning to Kyle. “You’ve married a real saint, Kyle. Make love to this woman—make love to her feminine power. Bask in it.”
Kyle made another throaty, croaking noise, his eyes on the ground.
“Anyways, we’re going to go smoke on the dock.” Dixie gave me a quick hug. “Get Tessa something to eat, Kyle. She’s been eyeing the buffet bar.”
I had been, but mostly from a desire to escape, rather than hunger.
“Come join us when you’re done eating!” Elias hugged me next. “We’ve got plenty for everyone.”
“Okay, sure. Sounds fun,” I replied automatically. “Thanks.”
When they walked away, Kyle looked at me sideways. “Are you really going to smoke weed that was in my mother’s…love center?”
He looked pale, and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“I haven’t ruled it out,” I said, purposely trying to make my face look as innocent as possible. “I like other things that have come out of her.”
Kyle made a retching noise. “Oh, oh my God, I’m going to puke. I’m literally going to puke.”
“She’s right,” I laughed. “You really are dramatic.”
He gave me the evil eye. “I’m getting another drink. Want one?”
“Definitely.”
The line of people who came to see me continued to grow and Elly quickly brought me a chair, since I was officially exhausted after the chat with my in-laws. My old boss cried and told me his new assistant would never live up to me. Our neighbor from Chicago told me she was watching the house for us, and would make sure to keep checking our mail. Several of my friends from high school cried and showed me pictures of their kids, and then I cried, and it was just a cry fest for several minutes as we all faced our mortalities.
Every Last Drop Page 31
