by Nisioisin
I, myself, am one of those young, nonreligious kids nowadays who can’t distinguish between Shintoism and Buddhism. And yet my heart was home to some instinct or other that reacted to this very situation.
Situation.
Space.
“Hey─Oshino.”
“What is it, Araragi?”
“I was just thinking, if this is about the situation and space, should I even be here? However you think of it, I’m an intruder.”
“You aren’t exactly intruding. Everything should be fine, but you never know, stuff happens. Stuff can always happen. And if it does, Araragi, you’re going to act as a wall for missy.”
“I am?”
“What else is that immortal body of yours good for?”
“……”
Well, that certainly was a cool line, but I was pretty sure it wasn’t to act as a wall for Senjogahara.
To begin with, I wasn’t immortal anymore.
“Araragi,” Senjogahara pleaded without missing a beat, “promise you’ll protect me.”
“Why a princess character all of a sudden?!”
“What’s the big issue? You must be planning to off your worthless self as soon as tomorrow anyway.”
“Out of character in nothing flat!”
Moreover, words that were hardly whispered behind your back in your lifetime had been spoken straight to my face like normal. Being on the receiving end of her acid tongue made me wonder if I needed to give serious thought to the evils I’d wrought in a past life.
“Of course, I’m not asking you to do this for free,” she said.
“You gonna gimme something?” I asked.
“How shallow of you to seek a material reward. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say that your entire humanity is summarized by that sad little response.”
“……Then whacha gonna do for me?”
“Hmm… You’re scum who tried to equip the slave outfit to Nera in Dragon Quest V, but I’m going to halt my plans to spread the word.”
“I’ve never even heard of anyone doing that!”
Plus, spreading the word was her premise.
What a horrible woman.
“It should have been obvious that you can’t equip it to her… That’s just so harebrained, or should I say ‘dogbrained’?”
“Hold on a second! You’re looking triumphant like that was a witty insult, but have I once been compared to a dog in any way?!”
“Right,” Senjogahara snickered. “How unfair of me. To dogs.”
“………rk!!”
Weaving in, at that moment, an old standby that would otherwise sound hackneyed… This woman had complete mastery over all things insulting.
“Fine, then, forget it,” she said. “A coward like you can run home with your tail between your legs and play lonely games with a taser like you do every night.”
“What sort of perverted play is that?!”
Or rather, stop spreading one insidious rumor after another about me.
“When you’re on my level, Araragi, it’s easy to see through a flimsy little thing like you. I know all of your dorkest secrets.”
“How did you manage to misspeak and come up with an even worse insult?! What the hell are you the beloved of?!”
She was unfathomable in that respect.
She must have meant to say “darkest.”
“Anyway, Oshino,” I reprised. “Why ask me? Won’t that vam─Shinobu do? Like that time with Hanekawa.”
He simply replied, “It’s past her bedtime.”
“………”
A vampire sleeping at night?
It really was poignant.
Oshino took a vessel of sake from the offerings and handed it to Senjogahara.
“Hm? What now?” she asked, confused.
“Drinking alcohol can bring you closer to the gods─apparently. Go ahead, in the way of loosening up.”
“…I’m a minor.”
“You don’t have to go so far as to get drunk. Just a teeny sip.”
“……”
After a moment of hesitation, Senjogahara did gulp down a mouthful as he watched. She handed back the vessel to Oshino, who returned it to its original location.
“Okay. Let’s calm down,” Oshino said, still facing forward─his back to Senjogahara. “We’ll start by calming down. The situation is what matters. As long as we create a space, manners don’t─it’s all up to your frame of mind in the end, missy.”
“My frame of mind…”
“Relax. Start by letting your guard down. This place is yours. It’s natural for you to be here. Keeping your head lowered and closing your eyes─let’s count. One, two, three…”
Really─
There was no need for me to, but I found myself following along, closing my eyes and counting. As I did, it came to me.
Setting the mood.
In that sense, not just Oshino’s attire, but the straw warding rope, the altar, and even the trip home to bathe were all requirements for setting the mood─or, to take it further, setting up Senjogahara’s mental condition.
It was close to suggestion.
Hypnotic suggestion.
Begin by wiping away her self-consciousness, get her to lower her guard, bring about a relationship of trust with him─although he was going about it in a completely different way, it had been no less necessary for me and Hanekawa. They say believe and you shall be saved, and getting Senjogahara to accept, in a nutshell─was crucial.
Senjogahara had said it herself.
She didn’t even half-trust Oshino yet.
But─
That wouldn’t cut it.
That wouldn’t be enough.
Because─a relationship of trust was required.
Oshino couldn’t save Senjogahara, she was getting saved on her own─that was the true meaning of his words.
I slowly opened my eyes.
I looked around.
Lamps.
The lamp flames in the corners─wavered.
A wind blew in from the windows.
Shaky flames─that could be snuffed out at any moment.
Yet their light was certain.
“Do you feel calm?”
“─Yes.”
“All right─then let’s answer some questions. You’ve decided to answer my questions. Missy, what’s your name?”
“Hitagi Senjogahara.”
“What school do you go to?”
“Naoetsu Private High School.”
“What’s your birthday?”
“July seventh.”
A Q&A whose meaning wasn’t clear, that in fact seemed totally meaningless, unfolded.
Flatly.
At a steady pace.
Oshino still had his back to Senjogahara.
She, too, hid her face, her eyes closed.
Her head lowered, downcast.
It felt quiet enough for breaths and heartbeats to make themselves heard.
“Who’s your favorite author?”
“Kyusaku Yumeno.”
“How about an embarrassing story from when you were a kid?”
“I don’t want to tell.”
“What kind of classical music do you like?”
“I’m not very well-versed in music.”
“How did you feel when you graduated elementary school?”
“Only that I would be attending middle school next. Because I was just going from one public school to another.”
“What was the boy who was your first love like?”
“I don’t want to tell.”
“In your life so far,” Oshino said in the same steady tone, “what experience hurt the most?”
“………”
Here─Senjogahara drew a blank.
Not even an “I don’t want to tell”─but silence.
I realized then that Oshino had imbued just this question with meaning.
“What’s the matter? The most hurtful experience in your life. I’m asking you about your memories.
”
“…M.”
The mood─wasn’t one where she could remain silent.
She couldn’t refuse with an “I don’t want to tell.”
That─was the situation.
The space that had been formed.
According to plan─things moved forward.
“My mother─”
“Your mother…”
“Falling for a bad religion.”
She’d fallen for some sketchy new religion.
Senjogahara had told me.
That her mother gave them everything they owned and even took on debt, until their family fell apart. That even after the divorce, her father still worked around the clock to pay off the loans.
Was that─the experience that hurt her the most?
More than─being deprived of her weight?
Of course it was.
How could it not hurt worse.
But─that…
That…
“That’s all?” Oshino asked.
“…What do you mean?”
“If that’s all, it’s no big deal. Freedom of faith is recognized by the laws of Japan. No, freedom of faith is recognized as an authentic human right. What your mother reveres or prays to is merely an issue of methodology.”
“………”
“So─that’s not all,” Oshino asserted forcefully. “Try and tell. What happened?”
“Like I said─m-my mother─because of me she fell for such a religion─she got duped─”
“Your mother was duped by a cult─then what.”
Then what.
Senjogahara bit down hard on her lower lip.
“A-An executive member of the religious group came to our house with my mother.”
“An executive member. This person came, and then?”
“H-He said it would be purifying.”
“Purifying? It’d be purifying? He said it’d be purifying─and then?”
“He said it was a ritual─he took─me and,” Senjogahara said, pain mixing into her voice, “a-assaulted me.”
“Assault─in the sense of getting violent? Or─in a sexual sense?”
“In the sexual─sense. Yes, that man─” Senjogahara continued as if she were enduring a variety of things, “tried to rape me.”
“…I see.”
Oshino nodded─quietly.
Senjogahara’s─
Fixation on chastity that took an unnatural form, her─
Cautiousness.
The highly defensive mentality and acutely aggressive mindset.
It felt like they made sense now.
So did her excessive reaction to Oshino’s ritual garb.
For a non-pro like Senjogahara, the fact was that Shintoism, too, was a religion.
“That─hypocritical lecher─”
“That’s the Buddhist perspective. A religion can even endorse killing one of your own. It won’t do to generalize. But you said tried to rape─so it ended at an attempt?”
“I hit him with my cleats which were nearby.”
“…That was brave.”
“He bled from his forehead─and was writhing on the floor.”
“And that saved you?”
“It saved me.”
“Good for you.”
“But─my mother didn’t try to save me.”
Even though she was there the entire time, watching─Senjogahara said flatly.
Flatly she continued with her answer.
“In fact─she scolded me.”
“That’s─all?”
“No─because I injured that leader, my mother─”
“Your mother was penalized?” Oshino finished Senjogahara’s line for her.
The consequences of such a scene didn’t take an Oshino to predict─but this seemed to have an effect on her.
“Yes,” she affirmed─solemnly.
“Naturally─since her daughter injured one of the leaders.”
“Yes. And so─everything we had. The house, the land─even going into debt─my family broke. Completely broke─it completely broke, and yet, it continues to fall apart. It continues to, sir.”
“How is your mother doing now?”
“I don’t know.”
“There’s no way that you don’t.”
“She’s probably─still practicing her faith.”
“Still.”
“Not having learned a thing─unashamed.”
“Does that hurt, too?”
“It does─hurt.”
“Why does it hurt? She has nothing to do with you anymore.”
“Sometimes I wonder. What if, at the time, I─hadn’t resisted, then at least─it might not have gotten to this.”
It might not have broken.
It might not have broken.
“You think so?” asked Oshino.
“I do─think so.”
“You really think so.”
“…I do.”
“Then that, missy─is your thought and burden,” Oshino said. “No matter how weighty, it’s what you need to shoulder. Leaving it to someone else─isn’t the way to go.”
“Leaving it to someone else─isn’t─”
“Don’t avert your eyes─open them and take a look.”
Then─
Oshino opened his eyes.
Senjogahara also opened her eyes─gently.
The lamps in the corners.
Their light wavered.
The shadows, too.
All three of our shadows also─wavered.
They swayed back and forth.
Back─and forth.
“Ah. Ahhhhh!”
Senjogahara─yelled.
She was still managing to keep her head lowered─but her expression was filled to overflowing with shock. Her body was trembling, and began to gush sweat.
She was losing it.
Her─Senjogahara.
“Do you─see something?” questioned Oshino.
“I-I do. It’s like that time─like that time, a huge crab, a crab─I see it.”
“Do you, now. Well, I don’t see a thing.”
It was then that Oshino turned for the first time, toward me.
“Do you see anything, Araragi?”
“I─don’t.”
There was nothing to see.
Only the wavering light.
And wavering shadow.
That was─the same as not seeing.
I couldn’t identify it.
“I don’t see─a thing.”
“You heard him.” Oshino turned toward Senjogahara. “I bet you don’t see any crab, actually?”
“N-No─it’s visible. Clearly. To me.”
“It’s not an illusion?”
“It isn’t an illusion─I mean it.”
“I see. Then─”
Oshino traced Senjogahara’s line of sight.
As if something─were there.
As if some thing─were there.
“Then, what do you need to say to it?”
“Need to─say.”
That’s when it happened.
I doubt she had any reason at all, but.
She couldn’t have meant anything by it, but.
Senjogahara─raised her head.
It was probably the situation.
The space had become too much for her.
That must have been all.
