by Nisioisin
“Wh-What are you doing?!”
She did turn around.
Thank goodness.
“Anyone would turn around after being smacked from behind!” she accused.
“Er…I’m sorry for smacking you.” All of those repeated shocks to my system had caused me to lose my cool. “Life is full of pain, you know?”
“I’m not seeing your point!”
“It shines brightest when…you know?”
“I was seeing stars just now!”
“Yup…”
I wasn’t fooling her.
Too bad.
“Well, you seem like you’re having some trouble. I thought I might be able to help out.”
“There’s no help in this world that someone who sneaks up on grade schoolers and smacks them in the head could possibly give! Absolutely, positively none!”
Her guard was up. Way up.
Of course it was.
“Like I said, I’m sorry. Really, I apologize. Um, my name is Koyomi Araragi.”
“Koyomi? That’s a girly name.”
“………”
She didn’t hold back, did she.
I rarely ever got that from people I was meeting for the first time.
“You reek of girlishness!” she exclaimed. “Please don’t come near me!”
“I’m not going to stand for a woman saying that to me, even if she is in elementary school…”
Whoa, there.
Calm down, calm down.
You have to start─with trust.
We wouldn’t be getting anywhere unless I tried to ameliorate the situation.
“So, what’s your name?” I asked her.
“I’m Mayoi Hachikuji. I’m called Mayoi Hachikuji. My name is a precious gift from my father and mother.”
“Huh…”
It seemed we were right about how the name was read.
“Anyway, please don’t speak to me! I don’t like you!”
“Why not?”
“Because you suddenly smacked me from behind.”
“But you said you didn’t like me even before I smacked you.”
“Then it’s karma from a previous life!”
“My first time being disliked in such a way.”
“You and I were mortal enemies in our past lives! I was a lovely princess and you were the evil demon king!”
“You’re just kidnapping yourself here, let’s be clear.”
Don’t follow strangers.
If a stranger talks to you, ignore him.
Elementary school students in this day and age probably have that lesson pounded into them… Or is it just that my appearance is unappealing to kids?
Whichever the case, not being liked by a child is a real downer.
“Just calm down for a second,” I said. “I’m not going to harm you or anything. I’m known as a ‘friend to man and beast alike’ in this town, okay?”
That was definitely a stretch, but it seemed like the right degree of exaggeration considering who I was dealing with. Child or not, it’s smart to make yourself appear as innocuous as possible to cases like her.
Whether or not she was convinced, she gave a solemn nod and said, “I understand. I’ll lower my guard.”
“I’d appreciate that.”
“Okay then, Mister Beast Alike.”
“Mister Beast Alike?! Are you talking about me?!”
Ack…
It was a common set phrase, but you could twist it into a supremely condescending insult simply by setting off the last part. What an expression for me to have been using thoughtlessly. In fact, I hadn’t just used it, but presented myself as such…
…
“You’re yelling at me! You’re scary!” she said.
“Okay, I’m sorry I yelled, but you shouldn’t go around calling people ‘Mister Beast Alike’! That’d make anyone start yelling!”
“Really… But you said yourself that you’re known as it. All I did was respond in a sincere manner.”
“You can’t go around assuming that you can say anything as long as you’re being sincere. That’s not how the world works…”
True, in this instance the words themselves came from me, and perhaps she wasn’t even being critical. But still.
“In short, ‘friend to man and beast alike’ isn’t a phrase you want to recast like that,” I said.
“Oh. Is that so? I see. In other words, it’s like ‘Jumpin’ Jehosaphat!’ People may find a character who screeches out ‘Jumpin’ Jehosaphat!’ whenever he gets excited acceptable, but they’d never buy a character ‘with a tendency to call upon a leaping biblical king when agitated.’ Like that?” she asked.
“I’m not so sure about that one… I don’t see myself ever approving of a character who screeches out ‘Jumpin’ Jehosaphat!’ whenever he gets excited…”
“Then how shall I refer to you?”
“Like normal.”
“Okay. Mister Araragi, then.”
“I like it. Normal. Can’t beat normal.”
“I don’t like you, Mister Araragi.”
“……”
My situation hadn’t improved a bit.
“You reek! Please don’t come near me!”
“Isn’t that somehow worse than reeking of girlishness?!”
“Hrmph… You’re right, ‘reek’ on its own may have been a very mean way to describe you. Allow me to correct myself.”
“If you’re really going to, then sure.”
“You reek of it! Please don’t come near me!”
“The first part almost made sense, but you messed it up!”
“I don’t care! Please go somewhere else with due haste!”
“No, wait… You’re lost, right?”
“I’m completely able to cope with this kind of situation! I’m used to problems like this! This is a very normal thing for me! I’m used to getting into travel!”
“You work in the industry on and off?! At that age?!”
If that were the case, she wouldn’t get lost, would she?
“Just…stop being stubborn,” I told her.
“I’m not being stubborn!”
“Yes you are.”
“Hiya! Take this!”
As Hachikuji uttered the words, she unleashed a high kick in my direction that had all of her body weight behind it. Unbefitting of a grade schooler, her kick had beautiful form as if a rod ran through her spine keeping it perfectly straight. Sadly, there’s something of a height gap between elementary school and high school students, and it proved insurmountable. It might have turned out differently had she caught me square in the face, but her high kick only made it up to my armpit. That isn’t to say that the tip of her shoe hitting me there didn’t do any damage, but the pain was bearable. Immediately after her foot hit me, I used my arms to grab her around her ankle and calf.
“Dear I!” Hachikuji cried out, but it was too late.
…Deciding to ask Senjogahara later about the grammaticality of “Dear I,” for now, as Hachikuji wobbled on one leg, I yanked her up the way a farmer might jerk a large radish out of his field. If this were judo, you’d call it a hip throw. It’s against the rule to grab your opponent’s leg like that in judo, but unfortunately for her, this was real combat, not some match. As soon as her body left the ground, I was treated to a glimpse of the contents of her skirt, at a fairly racy angle, but not being a pedophile I wasn’t distracted one bit. I simply tossed her over my shoulder.
Here, however, the gap in our heights worked against me. Thanks to her small frame, Hachikuji spent a slightly longer amount of time airborne before being slammed to the ground than a person my size─just slightly, but that was all it took for Hachikuji to change her approach and grab my hair with her free hands. I was growing it out for a reason─which meant that even Hachikuji’s short fingers had no problem grabbing hold of it. Pain shot through my scalp and shocked my hand into letting go of Hachikuji’s calf.
Hachikuji was not such a sweet girl as to w
aste this opportunity. Instead of waiting to land, she stayed on my back, pivoted around me using my shoulder blades, and began raining down blows on my head. Elbowing me. Her strikes found their mark─but were shallow. She wasn’t able to convey her accustomed amount of force because her feet were off the ground. Our difference in age and experience showed. If she’d dealt a single sure blow instead of rushing the outcome, that would have been it, she could have ended it. Now it was my turn to counterattack. I had a guaranteed path to victory.
I grabbed the arm that was elbowing me in the head─it felt like the left─no, it was reversed, so her right arm─grabbed her right arm, and from that stance redid my throw!
This time─it worked.
Hachikuji’s back slammed onto the ground.
I put some distance between the two of us, wary of a possible counterattack─
But she showed no signs of getting up.
I’d won.
“You fool─you thought a grade schooler could beat a high schooler! Fwahahahahaha!”
There he stood, a male high school senior, bragging in earnest about beating a grade school girl, having fought her in earnest and dispatched her with an earnest hip throw.
That high schooler would be me.
I, Koyomi Araragi, was the kind of character who bullied a grade school girl and burst into laughter… I was managing to creep myself out.
“…Araragi,” a cool voice came.
I looked around to find Senjogahara.
She seemed to have come up to me because she couldn’t bear watching.
Her expression was a very dubious one.
“I know I said I’d follow you down into hell, but we were talking about being small. Being cringe-worthy is something else entirely, I hope you realize.”
“…Allow me to defend myself.”
“Go ahead.”
“………”
My actions were indefensible.
I searched in vain.
So I regrouped.
“Well, forget about what’s past for now, this girl over here─” I pointed to Hachikuji, still unable to get off the ground. I assumed she’d be fine, though. She’d hit the ground back first, which meant her backpack would have cushioned the blow. “She seems to be lost. And as far as I can tell, she doesn’t seem to be with a parent or a friend or anyone else. I’ve, um, been here in this park for a while since this morning, and she was actually here looking at this sign before you arrived. I didn’t make anything of it then, but she came back, so she must really be lost, right? I wouldn’t want anyone to be worrying about her, so I wondered if I could be of some help.”
“…Hunh.”
Although Senjogahara nodded, her expression remained dubious. Sure, I could see how she might want to ask how the situation went from that to getting into a brawl, but what could I say? It was simply a case of one warrior’s soul answering another.
“I see.”
“Huh?”
“No, it makes sense… Now I see what’s going on.”
Did she really?
Heh, maybe she was just pretending she understood.
“Oh, that’s right, Senjogahara. You used to live around here, didn’t you? So you’d probably know roughly where an address in the neighborhood is if you heard it?”
“Um, sure…as well as the average person.”
A lukewarm answer.
Was it possible that she now considered me a child abuser? That seemed like an even worse label than pedophile, if that was possible.
“Hey, Hachikuji,” I said. “I know you’re only acting like you’ve passed out. Show the nice lady over here your note.”
I crouched down and looked at Hachikuji’s face.
Her eyes were rolled back.
…She really had passed out.
Seeing the whites of a little girl’s eyes was pretty distressing…
“What’s wrong, Araragi?”
“Oh, nothing…”
I casually turned to hide Hachikuji’s face behind my back so that Senjogahara wouldn’t notice and slapped the girl’s cheeks a few times. This of course wasn’t an additional act of violence, but an attempt to wake her up.
She came to as a result.
“Hm…I think I just had a dream.”
“Oh, really? What kind of dream was that?” I said in my best public TV children’s show voice. “Tell me, Hachikuji! What kind of dream did you have?”
“A dream where I was physically abused by a savage high school kid.”
“…Sounds like one of those dreams where the opposite of reality happens.”
“I see. So that’s what it was.”
It was unmistakably what had happened to her right before she passed out.
Remorse was tearing its way through my chest.
I took Hachikuji’s note from her and tried to hand it to Senjogahara─but she made no attempt to take it. She stared at my outstretched hand, her eyes colder than ice.
“What’s the matter? Take it.”
“…I somehow just don’t want to touch you.”
Urg.
I thought I had gotten used to her acid tongue, but this stung…
“I’m only handing you a note.”
“I don’t want to touch anything that’s touched you.”
“……”
She hated me now…
Senjogahara straight up hated me now…
But how weird… It felt like we were getting along pretty well until just a few moments ago.
“Fine, I get it… Then I’ll read it out for you, okay? Let’s see…”
I read the address exactly as it was written on the note. Fortunately, I was able to do so fluently because there weren’t any opaque characters.
“Ah,” Senjogahara said in response. “I know where that is.”
“Great.”
“I guess it would be a little bit past my old home. I don’t know the area in detail, but we should be able to feel it out once we’re nearby. Okay, let’s go.”
Senjogahara turned around and began walking in long strides toward the park entrance as soon as she finished speaking. I expected her to complain more, or to say she didn’t want to have to show a child around, but she was surprisingly quick to agree─then again, she didn’t so much as introduce herself to Hachikuji or even make eye contact with her, so I assumed my prediction that she disliked children still held. That, or she was considering this to be my “any one wish.”
Ah…
It’d really feel like I’d wasted my wish if that were the case…
“Well, whatever… Let’s go, Hachikuji.”
“What? Go where?” Hachikuji asked, seeming honestly confused.
Was she not able to pick up on conversations or something?
“To the address on this note, of course. The lady over there knows where it is, so she agreed to take us there. Isn’t that great?”
“…Oh. She wants to?”
“Hm? Wait, are you not lost?”
“No, I am lost,” Hachikuji affirmed. “I’m a lost snail.”
“Huh? A lost snail?”
“No, I─” She shook her head. “I’m nothing.”
“…Okay, then. Um, in that case, I guess we should follow after that lady. Her name’s Senjogahara. And if you think her name seems aggressive, just wait until you get to know her. Once you get used to her bristliness, though, you might acquire a taste for it because on the inside, she’s a fairly honest, good person. Maybe a little too honest.”
“……”
“Come on. Just hurry up and follow me.”
Hachikuji still wasn’t moving, so I grabbed her hand and pulled, almost dragged, her with me to chase after Senjogahara. “Ah, urr, err, orkork,” Hachikuji vocalized the kind of bizarre sounds you’d expect from a porpoise or a sea lion, but despite a few close calls, she followed me all the way without tripping a single time.
I’d come back later for my mountain bike.
For now, we left the park, whatever it wa
s named. I never got a chance to figure that one out.
