If only she hadn’t invited him into the roundhouse! If only the storm hadn’t awoken her! If only he’d told her that curiosity wasn’t enough beforehand! But he had, she realised. He’d been trying to deter her from the start, telling her he was trying to be good and saying he wasn’t ‘mate material’. Her cheeks flamed as an even worse thought occurred to her. What if she’d been mistaken about him desiring her at all? What if he’d only gone along with things because he’d felt he had to? Because she might not have let him stay otherwise...
‘I’m sorry.’ He was speaking again, she realised with a jolt. ‘I shouldn’t have kissed you in the first place.’
‘You didn’t.’ Her voice sounded hoarse. ‘I kissed you first because I was curious. It was foolish of me.’
‘No. It wasn’t foolish, it was...’ He shook his head, as if he were at a loss for words again. ‘But you deserve a real mate, someone to love and cherish you. I’m not that man. I’m not good or worthy enough and...’ his expression looked torn ‘...even if I were, I made an oath.’
‘An oath?’ She stared at him, uncomprehending. ‘What kind of oath?’
* * *
Danr cleared his throat once, twice and then a third time for good measure, not that doing so brought him any kind of relief. His oath wasn’t something he wanted to talk about, especially under the present circumstances. He was already alarmed by how close he’d come to breaking it. Even now, with Sissa looking so gut-wrenchingly desirable, all mussed-up hair and kiss-swollen lips, he had to concentrate all his attention on staring at his hands and regulating his breathing just to control the urge to pounce on her again. She’d been curious about mating and he’d been severely tempted to assuage that curiosity. He’d wanted to assuage other things, too, but he’d managed to stop himself just in time—although he had an underlying feeling that she’d been about to stop him, too. Something about her body language had changed when he’d drawn her shift up, enough to give him the jolt he’d needed to break their embrace. But he should never have given in to the temptation to touch her in the first place! Which meant that any painful effects he was suffering now were only what he deserved.
‘Danr?’ Her voice was still slightly breathless, he noticed, enough to send a fresh shiver of desire coursing through his veins. But she’d asked him a question...
‘Three years ago I made an oath. Not to...to mate until I made some kind of amends for what happened at Alarr’s wedding.’
‘Oh.’ There was a brief pause. ‘That sounds like a strange kind of oath.’
‘It seemed like the only thing I could do at the time. I had reasons. One particular reason.’ He sucked in a deep breath and then blew it out slowly between his teeth. ‘I wish I could mate with you, truly, but I can’t.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes.’ He risked another brief look over his shoulder, then wished he hadn’t. ‘You’ve no idea how desirable you are, Sissa.’
She made a dismissive sound. ‘No, I’m not. I look like a tree.’
‘A beautiful tree.’ He gave a curt laugh. ‘Maybe that’s why you belong in the forest.’
‘You don’t have to say that.’
‘Why would I lie?’
‘So that I’ll let you stay?’
‘Is that what you think?’ At that precise moment, the idea struck him as several stages beyond ludicrous. ‘That I was just pretending to desire you?’
‘If you were, then it was my fault.’ She gave a stiff-looking shrug. ‘I shouldn’t have asked questions. We should forget it ever happened.’
‘Not until we get one thing straight.’ He steeled himself and then twisted around, lifting a hand to the side of her face. ‘For a start, I’m not that good at pretending. Trust me, it doesn’t work that way. For another thing, you’re beautiful, Sissa, inside and out. You’re strong and brave and... I like your company. I like you. You’re the first woman in three years I’ve been even remotely tempted to share a bed with, but I can’t.’
‘Oh.’ She looked faintly stunned.
‘I shouldn’t have let it go so far. I’m sorry.’ He pushed a lock of hair back behind one of her ears, distracted by the ridge of her cheekbone and the dip beneath it. Her skin was soft and smooth, tempting him to place his lips there, but if he did that, then he knew he wouldn’t want to stop. He’d want to claim more kisses, in other places. On her chin, her jaw, her eyelids, against the thud of her pulse at the base of her throat...
He was supposed to be apologising.
‘Don’t be sorry.’ Her expression softened beneath his touch. ‘I started it, but I wanted to stop, too. It wasn’t what I expected.’
‘You mean you didn’t like it?’ He snapped his brows together.
‘No, it wasn’t that. It was just...more than I expected. Too much.’
To his own surprise, he found himself leaning forward, pressing his forehead lightly against hers. ‘Thank you.’
‘For what?’
‘For telling me that. It helps. The last thing I’d want is for you to regret anything.’
‘So we can forget it ever happened?’ She looked relieved when he nodded. ‘Good. But I still don’t understand. Why did you make such an oath?’
‘Because it was the least of what I deserved.’ He moved back, though he didn’t turn away again. If he were going to tell her the truth then he deserved to see her expression, too. He deserved to witness the moment when she realised how unworthy he really was... ‘I’ve been with a lot of women, Sissa. Too many women. I’ve behaved badly, without thinking about the consequences. It was a weakness my family’s enemies were able to use against me.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘On the day of the wedding, after Rurik and Brandt had ridden north, Alarr and Sandulf were persuaded to leave their weapons outside the wedding hall. With me, however, the assassins knew there was no need for anything so subtle. They knew exactly which weakness to exploit.’ He shook his head in self-disgust. ‘I was lured to the far side of the village by a woman. She kept me...distracted while my kin were slaughtered in cold blood.’
‘Distracted?’
He nodded grimly. ‘I didn’t even hear the fighting until it was almost over.’
‘Oh.’ She was silent for a long moment. ‘And you didn’t think it strange that a woman would seduce you just before your brother’s wedding?’
‘No.’ He winced at how incriminating it sounded, still holding on to her gaze, though the intensity in hers made him feel even worse. What was she thinking? He could feel his chest constricting as he waited for her to pass judgement, though none seemed to be forthcoming.
‘Don’t you have anything to say?’ he asked when he couldn’t bear the silence any longer. ‘Say what you think. Do your worst. I deserve all your condemnation.’
‘You already know everything I might say.’
‘Maybe I still want to hear it.’
‘I’m not going to condemn you, Danr.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because what good would it do? You already have to live with what you did. Even aside from your oath, that sounds like punishment enough.’
‘It still doesn’t feel like enough.’
‘No, I suppose not.’ She looked thoughtful. ‘Were there any signs of trouble at the wedding beforehand?’
He shook his head. ‘There were too many people, too many unknown guests who came for the wedding, but the only threat seemed to come from the war band Brandt and Rurik went after.’
‘Had you been told to stay and guard your family?’
‘No, but I still should have been there.’ He scowled. ‘If you’re trying to make excuses for me, then I don’t want to hear them.’
‘I’m not making excuses, I’m just trying to understand. What happened to the woman afterwards?’
‘I’ve no idea where she went, but I hope I never s
et eyes on her again. By the time I realised she must have been working for the assassins, she was long gone. Then all I could do was watch Brandt clutch his dead wife in his arms and think that I could have prevented it. He looked broken, like a man in torment.’
‘If you’d tried to prevent it, then you might have been killed, too.’
‘At least that would have been honourable.’
‘Is that what your brothers said?’
‘No.’ He clenched his jaw. ‘But I wish they had. I wish they’d all been furious with me. I wish Brandt had pummelled my head into the dirt. It might have made me feel a little better, but it was as though they never expected any better from me...’ He passed a hand over his face. ‘I failed my family because I was an attention-seeking, irresponsible fool, the joker who was always driven by his lust instead of his head, but those days are over. I’m not that man any more. I want to be a better man, a man of worth, someone whose reflection I can bear to look at. That means making amends for what I did and earning my brothers’ forgiveness. I can’t bring back Ingrid or my father or Gilla, but I can help to get justice for them.’
‘What about the assassin you said you killed in Strathclyde? Wasn’t that making amends?’
‘Not enough. Sandulf found him, I only finished him off. That’s why I need to find out the truth behind those pendants. Until I do that, I can’t think of myself or of mating. I’m trapped in that day and I can’t move on.’ He hung his head. ‘I don’t know how else to explain it.’
‘You don’t have to. I told you, I know how it feels to lose those you care about.’
‘So you did.’ He reached a hand out before he could stop himself, grasping her chin between his thumb and forefinger. How could he ever have thought her features were expressionless and impassive? At that moment, her eyes were brimming with emotions—pain, sorrow, sympathy, understanding. Their swirling depths seemed to draw him in...
‘Tomorrow,’ she murmured, her skin flushing beneath his fingertips before she pulled away finally. ‘Tomorrow, if the rain clears, I’ll show you.’
Chapter Thirteen
Amazingly, he hadn’t asked where they were going. Even more amazingly, he’d barely spoken at all since she’d roused him at dawn with a shake of his good arm and a bowl of porridge, before handing over a pack of supplies and leading the way east. At this time of year they needed to start early if they were going to reach their destination and return again in daylight.
The previous night’s storm had cleared the air, leaving blue sky and a smattering of wispy clouds in its wake for their journey through the forest and up into the hills. They made good time, stopping after a couple of hours to eat some of the dried meat the villagers had given her. Danr nodded his thanks though he still didn’t speak. It was unnerving. A few days ago, she would have been glad of his silence, but now it felt wrong—too unlike him. Was it because of what had happened between them? She’d been trying and failing all morning not to remember the hard feel of his body—such a contrast to the soft touch of his hands—hoping they could just put it behind them and pretend that nothing had happened, but to her dismay there was a new atmosphere of tension between them, one which made silence even worse. She missed her old talkative companion—and when had she started to think of him as a companion?
‘We need to go along that ridge and then down the mountainside,’ she announced finally, pointing towards a jagged stretch of rock between two towering peaks looming above them. ‘It would be quicker to go through the valley, but we’re more likely to bump into Gaels there. They’re used to seeing me, but they’re still suspicious of Norsemen.’
‘The ridge it is, then.’
She nodded and looked quickly away. On a bright day like this, his eyes seemed to match the blue sky behind him. It was strange, but they looked different now—brighter, in some way, than when she’d first found him. Which made sense since he’d been bleeding to death at the time, but they seemed deeper somehow, too. More soulful and intelligent than she’d first given them, or him, credit for.
‘Here.’ She passed him a skin filled with water. ‘If we keep up this pace, we’ll reach our destination before noon.’
‘Good.’
They carried on, climbing up on to the ridge and then walking along in single file, high enough up to see the eastern coast of the island, beyond which lay the sea and beyond that, the coast of Alba itself. The terrain underfoot was less stable than she remembered, however, uneven and covered in scree.
‘Maybe we should consider the valley after all,’ Danr called out after a few minutes, pointing ahead to where the ridge tapered so narrowly that one misstep could lead to a potentially deadly fall. ‘I don’t like the look of that, especially after so much rain.’
‘I’ve walked this way lots of times. We’ll go slowly.’
Although, perhaps he had a point, she thought as several stones slid out from beneath her leather shoes and skittered away down the steep slope of the mountain. The thought of walking in uncomfortable silence for any longer than was necessary made her want to continue, but perhaps the rain had made it more dangerous. Even Tove and Halvar seemed reluctant to follow them. And if the ridge was so unstable here, then there could be other places ahead that were even worse. Places where it would be too narrow to turn around and go back...
‘You’re right. We should go—’ She was midway through agreeing when the path started to crumble, sending her toppling sideways. Quickly, she flung her weight in the other direction, but it was too late. Her arms were flailing and the very ground beneath her feet was falling away, knocking her legs out from under her and sending her plummeting down the mountainside.
A hand shot out and grabbed her wrist—and not just any hand, she noticed, but a right hand, specifically the one attached to Danr’s injured arm. His grasp was firm and unyielding, though it must have been excruciating to hold so much weight. Still, he was doing it, refusing to let go as her body swayed out at a precarious angle above the sheer drop below... Her gaze locked on to his, holding on to that for dear life, too.
‘Don’t let go,’ he muttered between gritted teeth, somewhat unnecessarily, since she had no intention of doing so. At that moment, he was the only thing standing between her and at least a dozen broken bones, if not worse.
‘I’m going to lift you back up.’ He braced his feet and stretched his other arm out, steadily and cautiously, to grasp her waist. ‘Don’t move your feet yet, just lean against me.’
She did as he told her, holding her breath as he levered her gently into his arms.
‘Now your feet. Slowly.’
‘I’m almost there...’ She exhaled with relief as she found solid ground again.
‘I’ve got you...’ He moved his hands to both sides of her waist as they wobbled. ‘But we’re still facing the wrong way. I’ll need to walk backwards. Can you follow me?’
‘Yes.’
‘Good.’ Despite the circumstances, he gave a reassuring wink. ‘Ready?’
She nodded and moved with him, shuffling forward as he took several careful steps back. It wasn’t easy, but before long they were back on the wider section of the ridge, almost safe... She was just starting to relax when another section of ground gave way. Thankfully it wasn’t much this time, though still enough to send Danr tumbling on to his back and her flat on to his chest.
‘Oomph!’ He gave a loud grunt as her forehead smacked against his chin.
‘Ow!’ She echoed the sentiment, starting to wriggle upwards as she realised she was sprawled on top of him.
‘Sissa...’ He sucked in a breath.
‘What is it?’ She froze. ‘Are you hurt?’
‘No, but...your knee.’
‘My... Oh!’ She glanced downwards and hurriedly pulled her leg out of his groin, shifting to straddle his thighs instead. ‘Sorry.’
‘It could have been worse.’ His smile
was still somewhat pained. ‘I hate to say I told you so.’
‘You might as well.’ She gave a ragged laugh. ‘It might be the only time I let you. You just saved my life, Danr.’
‘All right, I told you so. That was too close.’
He tightened his arms around her, pulling her back down on to his chest. There was no need for him still to be holding her, a small part of her brain argued, but she didn’t resist, lowering her head until she was nestled against him.
‘Don’t ever scare me like that again,’ he murmured, pressing his lips into her hair.
‘I’ll try not to.’ She listened to the wild thump of his heartbeat beneath her ear. It was strangely comforting, a reminder that they were both still alive. No doubt her own heart was racing that fast, too.
‘We need to get off this ridge.’ He spoke again after a few moments, though his grip didn’t slacken. ‘I don’t know where our wolf friends have gone, but they seemed to think this was a bad idea, too.’
‘Yes.’ She started up, then stopped as he winced with pain. ‘What is it? Your arm?’
‘It’s all right.’
‘No, it’s not. Let me take a look.’
‘Gladly.’ He sat up after her. ‘Only let’s get off this ridge first. I was never a great lover of heights.’
‘You once told me you used to jump off cliffs into the sea.’
‘I did, but that was just showing off. I never said I liked it.’ He stood and took hold of one of her hands, clasping it tight as if he were afraid she might fall again if he didn’t hold on. ‘Now, let’s go.’
* * *
That, Danr thought with a shudder, had been altogether too close. For one terrible, heart-stopping moment Sissa had been slipping away from him, falling beyond his reach down the mountainside. He’d reached for her wrist without stopping to consider the risk to himself, though on reflection, it probably hadn’t been the wisest course of action. With the ground crumbling beneath them, he might easily have fallen with her, but at the time all he’d known was that there was no way he was letting her go. Faced with the same choice, he would do exactly the same thing again. And again. As many times as she needed for him to save her, even if he tore his wound open and wrenched his entire arm off to do it.
Redeeming Her Viking Warrior Page 11
