The pressure released, and the orgasm made my body shake. My pussy spasmed on his length, taking every thrust as it tried to pull him over the edge with me. The first eruption of cum shot from his cock and flooded my pussy. That wasn’t all he had in reserve—he kept thrusting as knots of cum filled me. My first orgasm reached the peak and another one immediately began. They rushed through my body in unison, sending endorphins coursing through my veins. When the last thrust was hammered inside me, I felt my muscles begin to relax. Our desires had been satisfied, but that wasn’t all I needed. Hudson continued kissing my neck, devouring my lips, and he finally dropped down beside me on the mattress. He pulled me into his arms and I felt safe—so freaking safe. That was what I needed most of all. I needed the comfort—that sense of belonging—and arms that were never going to push me away.
“I should have come after you as soon as I found out the truth.” He exhaled sharply and squeezed me tighter.
“I should have never left without hearing you say that you didn’t love me. I should have trusted Preston.” I sighed and closed my eyes.
“Do you think you’ll be able to forgive him?” Hudson pressed his lips to my forehead.
“I don’t know…” I sighed again. “I just don’t know. I saw the sorrow on his face when told me the truth. I want to believe that he regrets everything—but he hurt me so bad when he said those awful things to me.”
“Yeah.” Hudson nodded. “I know the feeling.”
* * *
One week later
I spent my days planning Melanie’s wedding, and my nights burning up the sheets with Hudson. His shift meant that we had to take a break when he was on duty, but I was waiting for him as soon as he got home. It was the first time I had been truly happy since I left Andalusia. Still, my past left me scared. I was afraid it could be ripped from me at any moment. That was a lingering worry that faded when I was in Hudson’s arms but returned when we were apart. I was becoming clingy—reliant—and that was something that I always avoided after being yanked from one foster home to the next. I didn’t like the feeling, but I didn’t know how to escape it. I just knew that there was safety in Hudson’s embrace, even if I hated what was going on inside me when we were apart. I finally had a semblance of happiness—and the thought of losing it terrified me. I had to find a way to live in the moment, or I was never going to be able to put the past behind me, so I could embrace the future.
“What are you working on?” Melanie walked into the living room and sat down beside me.
“My resume.” I looked over at her and shrugged. “Well, looking at some of the responses.”
“Some of those companies are—far away.” She leaned over to look at my screen. “I thought things were going great with Hudson?”
“They are…” I sighed and nodded. “But I didn’t come back home with any intentions of staying. I submitted my resume to several places and I’m starting to hear back.”
“Does that mean you’re going to leave again?” She tilted her head to the side inquisitively.
“I don’t know.” I leaned back against the couch. “Yes, things are going great with Hudson and I want to believe that I could have a future with him, but I’m scared of getting hurt again.”
“Have you told him this?” She leaned back so that she was looking directly at me.
“No.” I shook my head back and forth.
“Are you?” I saw a bit of panic on her face. “You’re not going to leave without telling him—right?”
“I wouldn’t do that, no.” I exhaled sharply. “I would never do that to him after everything he’s been through.”
“I think it would be better if you tell him now, rather than in a few weeks after I get married. If you’re not sure, be honest with him. Don’t lead him on and break his heart.” Melanie reached over and squeezed my hand. “I know you’ll make the right decision for you—just make sure it’s one you can live with.”
I was struggling. A part of me wanted to hold onto Hudson for dear life, and another part of me wanted to leave. Hudson hadn’t shown me anything but passion and kindness. He hadn’t given me any indication that he was unhappy, but I had been there before. I had dared to be happy and watched it all get ripped away. My parents—foster homes—Preston. It all ended the same, and I was shattered when the inevitable crashed into me. I ended up broken and trying to pick up the pieces. I could finally leave Andalusia on my own terms. I could have a memory that wasn’t painful to look back at. If I stayed, I was going to give in to my weaknesses. I was going to become the person I swore I would never be again—the person who trusted someone enough for them to hurt me.
I wonder if this is how conflicted Preston felt when he made the choice to send me away, or if he even gave it a second thought…
I hadn’t seen Preston since he was at Melanie’s house. Hudson and I had a long conversation about his brother. He had been hurt, but he found a way to offer forgiveness. He found a way to move past that hurt. I knew that regardless of what choice I made, I couldn’t stay in Andalusia without seeing Preston—nor could I leave without seeing him one more time. I wouldn’t be complete either way until I looked him in the eyes and told him that I forgave him for what he did. It was more than he deserved, but it was for me—not him. I wanted to remove the scar that he left on my heart too. He wasn’t worthy of the scar, nor was he worthy of the pain that I carried all those years. He was just a fucking liar. I was going to cleanse myself of Preston once and for all. Then I could figure out what was in front of me once I watched Melanie tie the knot with her betrothed.
I stared my demon in the face once. I’m brave enough to do it again. He no longer has any control over me at all.
13
Preston
“Dave! Holy shit! When did you get back in town?” My eyes lit up when I saw one of the guys’ I went to high school with walk into the fire station.
“Hey man.” Dave grinned and walked over to shake my hand. “I got here last night—but don’t tell my fiancée if you see her. I’m planning a surprise.”
“Your secret is safe with me. Melanie Andrews man? Good for you.” I gave him a friendly nudge with the back of my hand. “I remember how much you liked her.”
“Yeah, everything worked out according to plan.” Dave chuckled under his breath. “We went to Troy University, she got homesick—and there I was.”
“Sounds like true love.” I smiled and nodded.
“We had a few bumps along the way, but she keeps me in line.” He pulled up a chair and sat down. “Is Hudson around? I wanted to say hello to him too.”
“Nah, he’s out on a call. It wasn’t enough to send more than one guy.” I leaned back in my chair. “He should be back soon though.”
“How’s your knee treating you these days? I saw that hit you took—it was fucking brutal man.” Dave grimaced and motioned to my leg.
“It hurts when it rains or when the weather gets cold. It would probably hurt when it snowed too if we ever got any around here.” I shrugged. “It’s okay for the most part though, as long as I’m not trying to do any spin moves.”
“Cool, well I wanted to give you these myself.” Dave opened his jacket and pulled out two envelopes. “You’re both invited to come celebrate the big day with us.”
“Thanks man.” I took the envelopes from him.
Hudson will probably go, but I doubt the Maid of Honor would be very happy to see me show up.
“So what are you up to these days, man? Are you still crushing hearts and taking names like the old days? I don’t see a ring…” Dave motioned to my left hand.
“Not so much.” I shook my head back and forth. “There’s not many fish in this sea—single ones at least.”
“Yeah, I hear that. Well anyway, I need to go, but tell Hudson I said hello.” He stood and patted me on the shoulder.
“Good to see you too.” I nodded and smiled.
“If you’re up for one more night of debauchery, I’m having a
bachelor party on the Friday before the wedding.” Dave tilted his head and grinned. “You’re both invited. Lots of guys from high school will be there. The festivities start at seven o’clock over at the Big Horn Saloon, just like high school.”
“Yeah, I might be able to come hang out for a little bit.” I reached out and slapped hands with him before he walked towards the door.
I walked over and tossed the invitation in Hudson’s locker where he would find it. My brother and I hadn’t said a whole lot to each other since I went to see Eliza. I knew they were back together, which was a good outcome, but I understood why he wasn’t eager to tell me about the relationship. They both had every reason in the world to hate me, and I was willing to carry the burden if it meant they found happiness. I destroyed it once and keeping me at arm’s length was probably for the best. I still had feelings for Eliza, but I would never act on them. I blew my opportunity and didn’t deserve a second chance. Hudson did, and I was glad he was finally getting the opportunity to crawl out of the darkness that consumed him. He had been there for me when I was at my worst, so I could let him have the time he needed to forgive me all over again—not that he should.
“Preston?” It was a familiar voice, and it immediately snapped me out of my thoughts.
“Eliza?” I turned towards her and felt my stomach drop. “Is everything okay?”
“Yes.” She nodded quickly. “Is there somewhere private we can talk?”
“Not here, but we can take a walk if you’d like.” I motioned towards the front door. “The park is usually deserted this time of day.”
“Okay.” She turned and started walking towards the door before I had a chance to stand.
I guess she’s here to crush the rest of my spirit. I might as well have the dignity to take my destruction like a man.
“I didn’t think I would see you again.” I caught up to her as she crossed the road that led to the park.
“There are things I need to say.” Her tone was flat—but at least she wasn’t screaming.
“Can I apologize again, before you start?” I sighed and looked over at her. “I know that an apology can never undo what I said—or what it did to you.”
“You’re right.” She nodded and came to a stop once we got to the pond near the center of the park. “So, don’t waste your breath.”
“Okay.” I sighed and dropped my head.
Eliza had a lot to say, and I listened without saying a word. I had heard some of it before, especially the part about her parents and her childhood. She described how it made her feel to live with abandonment her whole life, to feel like she was worthless when all she wanted was to be loved. Every word she was like a knife that was aimed at my heart but kept missing so that the next one could hit me while I still had life left inside my body. I felt lower than dirt, worse than the scum lingering at the edge of the pond in front of us, and I deserved to feel that way. In fact, I was worse than the dirty and the scum. At least they weren’t hurting anyone—they didn’t ruin what could have been incredible. No apology could make it right. No amount of regret was good enough. I felt the pain she felt as every incision rolled off the tip of her tongue. It was my verbal comeuppance, and it hurt more than the punch would have that I begged Hudson to throw. I wanted to crumble to the ground and beg forgiveness instead of apologize. I wanted to grovel. I just knew it wouldn’t do any good.
“I want you to know, even though I know my words don’t mean much, that I have regretted it a lot over the years. I saw what it did to Hudson. I felt the pain myself…” I looked down at the dirt, and I wished I could just crawl under it.
“I believe you, which is a huge step after all of the lies you told me that day. Which is why I’m going to forgive you.” She tensed up as the words crossed her lips.
“Forgive me?” I blinked in surprise. “That’s the last thing I expected you to do.”
“Forgiveness is the only way I can move past it.” She sighed and turned towards the pond. “I don’t want to carry this burden anymore—especially if I don’t stay in Andalusia.”
“You’re—leaving?” I tilted my head to the side. “Why?”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do yet, but I do know that I’ve hurt over this long enough. I’ve hated you long enough for it to leave a mark, but I want to let it fade away. I need it to fade away.” She nodded slowly. “We could have had something special, and I want to remember what almost was rather than the pain that came after it was over.”
“I’d like that too.” I exhaled sharply and nodded. “I wish I had your trust—enough for you to know that what I’m saying is true. Enough for you to believe that I really did care about you, despite the fool I let myself become.”
“I wonder if you’d be saying that now if you hadn’t gotten hurt.” She looked down at my knee. “What if you would have made it to the NFL? Would you have even remembered me? Would you have even cared that you left your brother so broken?”
“I didn’t forget you when I went to college. I thought I knew what I wanted—but you changed me that summer. You put things in perspective that I never understood. I was an asshole and all I cared about getting laid—then you came along and showed me that it could be more.” I sighed and shook my head. “I know those words are hollow.”
“Yeah.” She nodded. “They are.”
“Can I ask you something?” I tilted my head to the side.
“Sure.” She lifted her head slowly. “Ask away.”
“Why did you do it? Why did you sleep with us at the graduation party?” I tilted my head in the opposite direction. “I’ve always been curious.”
“Well…” A hint of a smile formed on the corner of her lips, but it quickly faded. “I always did have a crush on you. I never expected it to be anything more than a harmless infatuation.”
Eliza and I walked back to the fire station where we said our goodbyes. There was no contact—no hug. It was just awkward silence after the words were said and then she was gone. I went back into the fire station and sat down in the chair that I normally sat in, waiting for a call so that I would have something to distract me from the agony I was feeling. I hoped that she would find some semblance of peace in what she said. At least she was able to get it off her chest. I definitely didn’t deserve forgiveness, but if it let her rest at night, then I was glad she found the courage to give it. Hudson returned, changed out of his gear, and went to hang out with some of the other guys. If he saw the wedding invitation in his locker, he didn’t acknowledge it. Dark thoughts started to fill my head once the agony took its toll. The darkness I had escaped clawed at me—I needed a fucking drink.
“Hey Chief.” I walked into the office near the back part of the fire station. “I’m not feeling well—I think I need to head home early.”
“It’s dead anyway. Go ahead. I hope you get to feeling better.” Chief Traywick lifted his head and nodded.
“Thanks.” I left his office and headed for the door.
I drove to the liquor store and bought a bottle of the cheap stuff that used to get me through a rough night. Once I was back at my house, I stared at the bottle for nearly an hour, remembering what it did to me. Drinking it would be a mistake. I don’t know if I was really an alcoholic, because I was able to stop once Hudson talked some sense into me, but I still knew how dark the road would be if I opened the bottle. It would numb the pain, make me forget everything Eliza said for a little while.
It would hurt worse when my drunken stupor was over, but the temporary respite would give me some relief. I grabbed the bottle and twisted the top off. Even the smell was enough to make my stomach turn. I lifted it to my lips but paused before the alcohol entered my mouth. A clarity that had been denied crept into my thoughts. I didn’t deserve to numb the pain. I needed to endure it. That was my penance—to carry that agony until I was inside a coffin. I walked to the kitchen and poured the entire bottle down the drain. I regretted it as soon as the liquor disappeared, but I was at peace with my de
cision.
I might as well go stare at the ceiling in my bedroom. I sure as fuck won’t be able to sleep tonight.
14
Eliza
Preston was no longer my demon. He was expunged. All of the hurtful things he said to me before I left home were a lie, but they were deeper than deception. He pushed me away because he cared. He pushed me away because I stood between him and the future he dreamed about. It was a mirror image of the woman I could have become—had I chosen to leave Andalusia on my own terms after Hudson said he loved me. Preston made that decision for me, but I could have easily made it myself. I was conflicted when I decided that I would stay—that I would chase love instead of California. Forgiveness was easy. If I bottled hate for everyone who had disappointed me over the years, I wouldn’t have had room for anything else. I was tired of feeling that way. The scar Preston left on my heart was going to heal, but in seeing my own path to redemption I saw something else—what it would truly mean if I left again.
I felt a sickness in my gut for even considering it. Hudson had been so amazing to me since we reconnected. He provided more stability than I was used to, and I didn’t know how to embrace that kind of feeling. I didn’t know how to be a normal person—a normal girlfriend. I knew I could trust Hudson, but my past made me so determined to maintain my independence. It was easier. There truly was a balance between the woman I became after I left Andalusia and the one who still needed to be loved. Hudson could be my rock—my anchor—and I could still drift without the fear of floating away. I needed something else from him though, and I knew he was strong enough to give it to me. Pain had become such a central focus in my life for so long that the absence of it left me unable to focus on anything else. I needed to taste Hudson’s dominance again. If the internal pain was gone, then I needed the physical pain.
Sizzle & Share: A MFM Firefighter Romance (Surrender to Them Book 9) Page 9
