by Julie Hall
Before night had a chance to fall, a pretty brunette entered the room. Glowing slightly in the familiar way I’d come to expect of angels, she cheerfully informed me that I was free to return to all my normal activities. Within a matter of minutes I was up and changed into clothes, which, after a good amount of concentrated effort, I was able to materialize all on my own. There were no discharge papers like there would have been on Earth, no pushing me out in a wheelchair or hoopla of any sort. I left as if I had been a visitor rather than a patient.
Romona started to head in the direction of my tree when I stopped her. I explained in as few words as possible that I needed to do something first. The corners of her mouth tweaked ever-so-slightly downward, but with a hug and a quick scratch for Bear she let me go, promising she’d meet me at the training center for breakfast the next day.
After watching her leave, I let out a low whistle for Bear to follow and headed in the opposite direction, knowing I’d made the right decision but already slightly regretting it. But I knew the regrets were for the wrong reasons, so I picked up my step and walked resolutely toward my fate.
26
Good-Bye
“You know he was there the whole time?”
Early the next morning I stood in the hallway outside our training gym—Logan’s and mine . . . ours—silently watching Logan train. The voice behind me was so soft I wasn’t startled.
Lost in his routine, Logan wasn’t aware I was there. It felt voyeuristic, but I figured it was only fair. Who knew how long he’d watched me in the healing center before I woke up?
“What do you mean?” My eyes stayed on Logan when I answered. I was determined to drink in as much of him as possible while it lasted.
“He was there when you were recovering. Practically every minute. I think he even slept in the chair a few nights.”
I let the implications sink in. Romona, my grandmother, wouldn’t be telling me this without a reason. I shook my head lightly. In the end, what did it matter? I’d already made my decision, and a few minor details weren’t going to change my mind. There was a saying for that. Too little too late.
“Doesn’t matter anyway,” I replied.
“Do you truly mean that?”
I nodded because the words were caught in my throat. I hoped she didn’t notice.
“This will change things, you know.”
Another nod. Of that I was sure.
I didn’t understand how she knew what was going on, but I took her continued silence as acceptance. Perhaps she’d already been notified through the chain of command. Or perhaps she just knew me that well.
She crouched down to run her hand over Bear’s back. He was spread on the ground like a bearskin rug, limbs out in each direction. He closed his eyes and purred like a cat as she continued her strokes. What a weirdo. What dog actually purred? I smiled at the thought.
Her next words were laced with love and support.
“Whatever you want to do, I’m behind you. And I’m always here to talk.” She stood back up and gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze.
From behind my eyes, tears threatened to break free. She reminded me so much of my mom at that moment. My constant support and sounding board. The wisdom of the generations had certainly passed through Romona to her daughter. I silently prayed some of it had also trickled down to me.
As quietly as she had appeared, she left. I stole a few more greedy moments alone before making my presence known.
Logan was really working something out on that practice dummy, delivering a series of blows so strong it rocked back on its stand again and again. I expected its head or an appendage to come flying off at any moment.
He stopped and placed his forearms on the mannequin, limply draping a hand over each shoulder as if he were fatigued and needed the support. His head hung forward, causing the longer hair to fall forward.
It was only then that I spoke up.
“Gym was my least favorite class.” It wasn’t what I’d intended to say, but it was what came out.
The only acknowledgement that my presence surprised him was a sudden tenseness in his shoulders, which relaxed a moment later.
As usual, Logan didn’t miss a beat. “I think I could have guessed that.” I heard the smile in his voice even though he was facing the opposite direction.
“I needed four gym credits to graduate, and I put them all off until the last semester. I would have had two hours of gym classes every day if I’d lived long enough. Do you have any idea how wonderful just two hours of gym sounds these days?”
He chuckled. The richness of the sound comforted my frayed emotions. “Knowing you, yes.”
“I suppose someone else is getting the last laugh now.”
“Well, now you know there’s truth to that saying.”
“Which one?”
“About God having a sense of humor.”
The corners of my mouth snuck up. He did have a point. “Yes, I suppose so.”
This whole time he’d remained facing his practice dummy. When he finally turned, he lifted an arm to wipe the sweat from his forehead. He’d really been going at it hard today. Despite all the training I’d done with Logan, I’d rarely seen him sweat.
“So what was your favorite then?” he asked.
“What?” Embarrassingly enough, I’d completely forgotten what we were talking about the instant he turned and captured my gaze. His blue eyes were as mesmerizing as ever.
“Classes . . . which one was your favorite?”
“Oh.” I thought about it for a second. Although everything was safely back in my brain where it belonged, there were still things I had to search through the memory catalog to find. I smiled when I found the answer I was looking for.
“Art.”
“Mine too,” he answered without pause.
I lifted my eyebrows in slight disbelief. Not only was I skeptical that we had something in common, but art wasn’t a subject I could easily imagine Logan enjoying, let alone taking at all. But then I remembered thinking that his hands were those of an artist when we were on the beach. It was the first time he’d ever touched my skin. I was so caught off guard by the contact that I’d missed the point he was trying to make completely. The memory warmed my cheeks.
“Really?”
He nodded his head. “I liked to draw. I thought one day I might be an architect.”
Now that was something I could believe. I imagined you’d have to be very precise and have a lot of patience for a career like that. As much patience as it had taken to train me.
I smiled. “I liked to draw as well, but I always imagined myself growing into a profession less practical and more whimsical. Maybe a fashion designer or makeup artist.” The smile widened on my face. The irony of where I’d ended up was too thick to ignore.
Logan smiled back and shook his head as if he were thinking the same thing. After a moment his face turned more serious.
“So is everything back then?”
I sobered as well. “Yes.”
“How are you doing?” he asked gently.
I shrugged and finally looked away. How should I answer that? Everything was . . . different now.
“Okay, I guess.”
“That’s not a real answer.”
I huffed.
What was he looking for? I looked at my existence here in a whole new light now. How was I supposed to explain that to him? That no matter how much he thought I was the same, no matter how often he’d told me I would be, I wasn’t.
I saw the ugliness in me so much more clearly now in light of who I was and who I wanted to be. And even though I had friends and Romona here, I grieved for a lost family. A family I was sick to think was also hurting because of me.
And it was painful.
On top of all that, I was also grieving the loss of my own life. Yes, I had an eternal life, but my plans, hopes, and dreams for the future on Earth had died with me that day. And now new ones needed to be born. It wasn’t something I was goin
g to come to terms with in a single day.
“What do you want me to say, Logan?”
He remained silent, staring at me so intently I fought the familiar urge to squirm. I wasn’t sure if he was waiting for me to give him a better answer or trying to determine what to say next. It seemed as if he was working something out in his head, but I never was completely sure with him. Eventually his mouth turned down.
“I had hoped it would be better for you once you remembered. Is that not the case?”
His words surprised me. They shouldn’t have. Logan was always one to cut through the layers of superficiality. Oddly enough, despite the contention it had caused between us in the past, it was one of the things I appreciated the most about him.
I answered as honestly as I dared. “Better, but different.”
He nodded slowly as if he understood.
“But I’m thankful to at least have my grandma back now,” I added, trying to lighten the mood.
Logan tilted his head and lifted an eyebrow in a silent question.
“You do know that Romona is my grandmother?” I asked. His eyebrows jumped up in another rare moment of being caught unawares.
“No, I can’t actually say I saw that one coming,” he said thoughtfully. As he began to put the pieces together, his face changed to a look of chagrin. “I suppose if I’d been paying better attention, I might have caught on. She did a good job of keeping the secret.”
“Yes, from even me,” I said.
“Well, I’m happy for you. To have someone here to help bridge the gap. That has to be a comfort.”
I detected a hint of sadness in him. I longed to know the cause and absently took a few steps closer to him. He remained rooted in front of the practice dummy, and I was just barely over the threshold. The physical distance between us was vast considering the intimacy of our conversation, and as if pulled by a cord, I shortened the distance.
I came to my senses when I reached our customary distance and Logan hadn’t made an attempt to meet me halfway. It was like hitting an invisible force field that stopped me short.
Logan regarded me with hooded eyes. I had no idea what he was thinking, but that was true of most of the time. I should have left it alone, but Romona’s words swam in my head. You know he was there the whole time. Was it possible that meant more than I’d given it credit for? Before moving forward, I needed to know. I needed to hear it from him. No more guessing.
“Romona said you stayed at the healing center with me until I woke up. She said you even slept there.”
Logan’s eyes remained veiled, his gaze not quite meeting mine.
“I wanted to make sure you were all right. When I brought you back and they started to heal you, I felt . . . ” He paused as if searching for the words. I held my breath, anticipating what he would say next.
“. . . responsible for what happened to you out there. If I’d trained you better it wouldn’t have gone down like that. You would never have rushed into the fight like that.”
His hands fisted at his sides. My heart deflated along with my lungs. I wasn’t sure exactly what I’d been secretly hoping he would say, but that wasn’t it. Not only that, but the way he said it made me feel bad about everything, like I’d done something wrong. Like I’d failed. Failed him.
I now knew I’d been mistaken about what I had sensed through the empathy link before I passed out in the healing center. The strong emotion had only been something fleeting after all.
“So that’s why you left when I woke up. Because you were disappointed that I didn’t follow directions better.” It was more of a statement than a question. I already had as much of an answer as my heart could take.
Rather than replying, Logan took a step toward me, and I took one back. Confusion flickered in his eyes and perhaps hurt as well. The look was unfamiliar to me. I steeled my resolve. He was about to say something, but I went on quickly before he had a chance.
“I’ve asked for a different mentor.”
I’d shocked him twice today. His eyebrows shot up, his eyes grew larger, and his whole body froze as if he’d been hit by a stun gun. We stood in silence for several heartbeats.
“Why?”
The one question I knew he would ask—the one I’d been dreading. He deserved an honest answer, but I wasn’t ready to be that vulnerable with him.
“I don’t think this,” I broke eye contact, “whatever it is that we are doing, is healthy for either of us.”
“Audrey, I know there are times when we frustrate each other, but I don’t think—”
He wasn’t getting the right idea, so I blurted the one thing I didn’t want to talk about the most. “And we’re not bonded.”
One, two, three . . . was that Logan’s heart I heard jump into his throat, or my own?
I could have once again slapped a hand right over my mouth. My whole body flushed from the tips of my toes up to the roots of my hair. I caught something out of the corner of my eye that I was fairly certain was the beginning of hot pink highlights. I couldn’t worry about that now.
“What are you talking about?”
Was he seriously going to make me spell it out? That was so not fair. Sometimes things with Logan were so difficult.
I forced myself to look straight at him when I spoke. As uncomfortable as it was, this conversation was long overdue.
“When we kissed, when we were hiding from the demon, it didn’t count. We didn’t accidentally bond to each other.”
The room was once again silent while what I’d said sunk in. An eternity seemed to pass as Logan’s eyes sought to determine my truthfulness.
“Are you sure?” His voice had gone flat again. Emotionless.
I nodded my head. “Yes, we got a ‘get out of jail free’ card. I didn’t know any better because I missed that part in orientation.” And because I couldn’t say the next thing while still looking at him, I dropped my gaze and stared at an invisible spot on the ground, my voice a notch softer than before. “And you, of course, didn’t know I was going to attack you like that. We didn’t mean to form a bond, so no bond was formed.”
“That’s not a loophole I’ve heard of before. Who told you that?”
“Who do you think?” I started a little at the slight note of bitterness in my own voice. The pit of embarrassment I was wallowing in was deep. I tried not to, but I snuck a peek at Logan to study his reaction. I knew it was going to be bad, but I couldn’t look away.
After a moment, the implications of my words finally penetrated. I told myself the emotion I read on him shouldn’t surprise me, but it did. The tension that always seemed bundled tightly around him slowly dissipated. His body relaxed as if a heavy weight had been lifted. His eyes widened slightly in awe, and his facial features softened. His lips moved in soundless words as if he was sending up a prayer. He closed his eyes for a quick moment and let out a breath of air.
His whole persona radiated relief.
That was what he felt about us not being bonded.
Relieved.
More than anything else that had happened between us, this moment hurt the worst.
When he caught me watching him, he quickly changed his expression to indifference. He waved a hand in the air as if brushing the whole thing off as no big deal. “Well, if that’s the case, then I don’t see the complication with us continuing to train.”
The pieces snapped together for me. He’d probably never told me about being bonded because he couldn’t figure out why he felt nothing for me. Now he could move forward without that enigma nagging at him.
You stupid head, I wanted to shout. Just because you weren’t affected by that kiss doesn’t mean I wasn’t!
I marveled for a moment at my ability to tuck the hurt into a hardened corner of my heart. Hurt that was teetering on the edge of anger and weariness. Uncharacteristically, the scales were tipping to the latter. I didn’t want to obsess over what I thought of Logan anymore.
I was tired of it.
I didn
’t want to spend eternity next to someone who didn’t want me back. I was fatigued from wondering what he thought of me and who else he was spending his time with, and always making sure I knew where he was in a crowd. Our relationship might just be peachy for him, but it was unhealthy for me.
I needed to move on. I needed to deal with mourning the loss of my family and working on who I was created to be.
I’d done what God said to do and tried to think about our relationship with my head and my heart, and this was what I now realized. I was finally able to be honest enough with myself to realize Logan was occupying way too much of my brain power. And I wanted it back for more important things.
Gosh, I could have hit him right then and there for his self-centeredness.
My next words escaped a few degrees colder than I had intended. “You don’t need to understand, just to accept. The decision’s already been made. I talked with administration yesterday after leaving the healing center. They’re going to assign someone else to continue training me right away.”
I turned to leave. I wanted to be anywhere but there right now.
I hadn’t gotten two steps before Logan stopped me. He grabbed my bare arm and turned me to face him. His emotions slammed into me hard. I sucked in a breath of air. He was angry, and confused, and above all, very hurt. Some of those emotions mirrored my own at the moment, but surely for different reasons.
He released my arm as suddenly as he’d taken it. I looked up to see a blue fire blazing in his eyes. His stoic mask had melted completely, and I was reminded of how he’d looked at me after I’d been wounded by the demon. I couldn’t understand how this situation was similar.
“Do you not care what I think about this?” In contrast to his face, his words were spoken softly and without emotion.
“Logan, I’m just . . .” I didn’t know what to say to him to make him understand. “Tired. I’m just tired.” It was the closest to the truth I could bear to admit.
He went on as if I hadn’t spoken. “Because this doesn’t make sense to me. I can’t understand why this won’t work. We had already started to make it work. Why can’t we just be friends and move forward?”
