by Julie Hall
And then I fled.
19
Memories
The memories that blanketed this pond whispered through my subconscious. I’d passed the glassy waters right outside the Training Center almost every day since arriving in the afterlife. I had confessed my bond with Logan to Romona on the very bench where I was now seated. I stared at the blue-green depths. It looked so perfectly . . . normal. Its rim was speckled with people fishing or kids running in and out of the water along the edge and squealing in delight.
I knew the chilly bite of the water firsthand from when Logan had chucked me into the pond out of frustration. Frustration eventually led to mutual respect, which broke into an awkward limbo after we kissed. Awkwardness became doubt and, somehow in a crazy turn of events, translated into love in the end.
And that’s what this was . . . the end. Logan thought this was the beginning, but I knew better. This was the beginning of the end.
Folding my body, I dropped my head into my hands, shielding my eyes from the view if not from the truth. Bear’s paw landed on my knee. He’d joined me only minutes after I’d settled myself on the bench. His paw was his way of reminding me he was here to provide comfort. Comfort I wasn’t sure I actually deserved.
Logan deserved more than this. He deserved more than me.
A weight dropped into the seat next to me and shook the bench.
I yelped and jolted upright, grabbing the seat to steady myself.
“Heard you’ve been visiting the archive building.” Kevin’s smile was so wide I’m pretty sure I could see his molars.
Bear jumped up on the bench on the other side of me and laid his giant head on my lap. I absently ran a hand over his soft, golden fur.
“Kevin. Geez. You know how to make an entrance, huh?” I squeezed my eyes shut and pinched the bridge of my nose. Kevin was an amazing friend. But I wasn’t sure I was up to his level of chipper at the moment. Drained and emotional, I wasn’t confident in my ability to fake normalcy.
He nodded with a blinding smile still in place. “I saw you over here and thought you looked a little down. Looks like you could use a friend right now.”
I shrugged. “I have Bear.”
Kevin leaned forward to survey my friend. “Yep. That’s part of what tipped me off.”
I looked at him. “What do you mean?”
His smiled dimmed and turned into a knowing up-tilt. “You haven’t figured out this fluffy guy is pretty tuned in to your emotions yet? He was your Bear long before he was ever Battle Bear. His instincts are to comfort as well as protect. He’s over here comforting. I figured that means you need it.”
I looked down at Bear. The fur on his forehead scrunched as he looked up at me. A puddle of drool was already forming on my jeans. A small price to pay for good company.
Bear was my dog, but he was also his own. He came and went like a dog on Earth would never do. And when I took a moment to look back, I realized he was always around at exactly the right times. Just like how he’d found me today.
I looked into those big brown eyes and scratched the spot I knew he loved. You little genius. He guffawed out a noise that oddly resembled a laugh before closing his eyes and leaning into the scratch.
“So”—Kevin stretched his long body out; legs straight in front of him with ankles crossed and arms along the back of the bench—“wanna tell me what’s up?”
Yes. My secrets were straining to be released.
“Not really,” I answered.
“Hmm.” Kevin looked at me from the corner of his eye, likely seeing through my façade but too polite to push the matter. “Why don’t you tell me what you think of the Archives Building then? That a safe enough topic?”
He wasn’t mad. He was simply looking for me to talk. I appreciated that and let out a deep breath. He wasn’t going to give me the third degree.
“That place is definitely . . .” I struggled for the right way to explain it. “Otherworldly. But then again, look where we are.” I swept a hand in the air to indicate the wonders of this realm.
Kevin nodded. His eyes fixed on the various groups of people in and surrounding the pond. A soft smile touched his lips. “Otherworldly. I suppose it is.”
“Logan mentioned you spend time in the Archive Building pretty regularly.”
For the first time, Kevin’s smile faded. I studied his profile as his face tightened and relaxed again—almost as if I’d said something painful. Had I stuck my foot in my mouth without realizing it? Certainly wouldn’t be the first time.
“Yeah.” He nodded. “I spend a bit of time in there.”
“I’m sorry,” I began. I rested a hand on his shoulder. “It’s really none of my business. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
I hadn’t even thought it through. For all I knew, Kevin could have a wife and kids still on Earth he was checking up on. I’d never even asked how old he was when he died. Considering Romona was in her seventies when she passed away, yet now looked to be in her late teens or early twenties, Kevin could have been any age when he passed.
“Naw.” He turned his head and shot me a smile. “No worries, Audrey. I like to check up on my family. It’s just . . .” He blew out a puff of air and squeezed the back of his neck before looking to the side and appraising me. I wasn’t sure what was going on. “How much do you know about my past?”
I chewed on my lower lip, suddenly embarrassed I didn’t know much. I was a lame friend. “I’m sorry, Kevin. I really only know that you’re in Romona’s building because you’re waiting for some of your family members to arrive before settling into a permanent residence.”
He nodded. “Yeah. Do you have any idea how long I’ve been here?”
I didn’t detect any malice in his questioning, but I also wasn’t following his train of thought. “Um, no. Was it rude that I didn’t ask?”
Kevin started to laugh.
“What? I never know which questions are taboo here. I don’t want to come across as offensive, but I also don’t want to seem uninterested.”
“Sorry, Audrey. I shouldn’t laugh. I just wanted to know how much you knew of my past to know where to start. I’ve been here for eighteen years, four months, and three days.”
“Well.” I blinked twice. “That is very specific.”
He ducked and bobbed his head at the same time—like that admission embarrassed him.
“So you haven’t been aging since you arrived, because that looks about as old as you are now.”
“No, I’ve been aging. In fact, I age every day. Since I arrived in this realm, I age as if it were a regular Earth day.”
I widened my eyes as the truth penetrated my self-absorbed thoughts. “But that would mean that . . .”
That what? That Kevin had died as an infant? Died before birth? It meant that he’d died before he’d ever truly had a chance to live. “You grew up here?”
The questions ricocheted around my mind, and I studied his face, looking for answers. It wasn’t my business, it truly wasn’t. But there was a story here I never knew existed.
“My mother was sixteen when she became pregnant with me. Two years younger than you are right now. She was young and scared and didn’t want anyone to know. And so after hiding her pregnancy for three months, she aborted me.”
A gasp escaped my mouth at the same time my hands flew up to cover it. Kevin stared at me with sad eyes as I tried to tap down my emotions. I forced my hands to my lap, thumping Bear, and absently twisted my fingers. “Kevin, I—”
His warm hand landed on both of mine, stopping their restless movement. A wistful joy saturated my heart . . . straight from Kevin.
“She was so young, Audrey. And her heart still aches over what she did. I have brothers and sisters now. I have a whole family on Earth that I’m looking forward to meeting in person someday. But in the meantime, I like to check in on them from time to time.”
“But aren’t you . . . I don’t know . . . upset at her? Angry at the life you never got to
live?”
He nodded. “Yeah, I could look at it that way. But tell me, what would that really accomplish? Do I wish I’d had a chance to live a long life? Yeah, there are times I think about that. Maybe even a lot. But rather than dwell on what might be perceived as things I was robbed of, I choose to look forward to the day I’m reunited with my family. The day I see my mother, look her in the eyes, and tell her I love her . . . and that I forgive her. She needs to hear that.”
Kevin sat back in his seat and turned his attention to the pond. “That’s a day I’m really looking forward to. That will be a great day.”
A single tear slipped down Kevin’s cheek. He let the wetness fall to his chest as a soft smile overtook his face. “I choose love and forgiveness, Audrey, because the same has been given to me.”
Kevin left hours ago, yet I was sitting on the same bench. Bear’s head lay in my lap as I stroked him. His snore and the large wet spot on my legs said he’d long since fallen asleep.
I didn’t want to leave here—this realm. I didn’t want to give up all I had and spend eternity in misery. I wanted to be with friends and family, and I wanted to be here to welcome the ones still on Earth when their time came.
But there was nothing to be done. I’d committed an unforgivable offense by freeing Satan, and I couldn’t even wrap my brain around the repercussions. Was there a way to count the lives that would be affected? If there was, did I even want to know?
My heartbeat picked up as my Logan-GPS told me he was near.
I couldn’t do this alone anymore. He had to know what I’d done. Letting him fuse his soul to someone who was going to leave was just . . . selfish beyond comprehension. What had I been thinking? I had to tell him so we could break the bond. It would be hard, but not yet impossible.
No bonding ceremony for us. It would be cruel. He deserved nothing but the absolute truth.
Fingers wisped through my hair.
“You’re sad.”
Bear jumped off my lap and trotted off without a backward glance.
“What gave it away?”
Logan moved around the bench to sit next to me. He ran his hand through my hair again and brought it in front of my face. The strands were grey-blue. He let them slip through his fingers and pulled back, leaving what might as well have been a cavern of distance between us.
“I’m sorry for running away.”
Logan angled toward me. One leg bent up on the bench so he could fully face me. I mirrored his posture. Our knees brushed against each other when one of us shifted, but besides that we were very . . . separate.
A crease formed between Logan’s brows as he studied me.
Ducking my head to avoid his gaze, I chewed on my lip.
“We need to talk,” I whispered.
He nodded. “Your place or mine?”
My mouth quirked. “That sounded really cheesy . . . and a little seedy.”
With a twinkle in his eye, he did a one-shoulder shrug.
“All right, let’s go back to your place,” I said. That way I can kick myself out after I’ve revealed the truth.
20
Coming Clean
I was pacing. Most likely wearing a hole in Logan’s rug. Whatever, he could materialize a new one. The real problem was I couldn’t find words, which meant I couldn’t stop pacing.
Logan sat on his couch in front of me. But from the look of things, he was just as wound up as I was. He leaned forward with his arms draped across his knees and hands hanging as he watched me walk back and forth. The crease between his eyebrows had returned, but he stayed silent. Whenever I glanced at him, a muscle in his face would jump.
Besides that he was a statue. “Would it help if you sat?”
I jumped at the sound of his voice. “Huh? What?”
The crease deepened. “Do you want to—”
“No, sorry. I heard you.” I stopped pacing and pressed the palms of my hands into my eyes until I saw stars.
All my fault. All my fault. All my fault, my mind relentlessly chanted. My secret was a festering wound that wouldn’t heal until I cut it out.
And to cut it out, I had to admit to someone it existed.
I had to admit to Logan it existed.
Removing my hands from my eyes, I found Logan’s. “It’s all my fault.”
The words hung in the air between us. I waited for his reaction. And . . . nothing.
“Well?” I prompted.
“Care to give me a little more information than that?” he asked.
I gestured wildly with my hands. “Everything. All of it. Everything everyone’s been talking about. Satan’s imminent attack. His release. It’s all my fault.”
“How?” Besides the slight tilt in his head, not a muscle so much as twitched.
Really, that was all he had to say? “Does it matter?”
He straightened, shoulders back and hands gripping the couch cushions. “Yes, of course it does.”
“Okay, first let me show you something.”
“All right.”
I turned away from Logan and lifted the back of my shirt high enough that he was sure to see a good deal of the growing darkness there. A physical representation of my mistake—and the consequence I would pay for it. I squeezed my eyes shut and waited for his outburst. He was going to blow for sure. But the room remained silent for several minutes.
“Love, why are you showing me your back?”
“What?” I turned my neck until I could see him. Logan’s stare was blank. “It’s right there. It’s huge and black and ugly . . . and growing.” I lifted my shirt higher so I could see the evidence of my cursed soul myself. Yep, still there.
“Audrey, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t see anything.”
He couldn’t see the mark? Was I the only one who could? There was actually a little bit of relief in that. Dropping my shirt, I turned to face him.
I rubbed my forehead. The threat of a headache beat behind my eyes. He couldn’t see the darkness. So how was I to make him understand?
“Logan.” I looked into those beautiful cobalt eyes. “We can’t be together.”
He shot to his feet and advanced. I took two hurried steps back.
“What? Why? You need to start explaining all this to me, quickly.” His fists clenched at his sides.
I had no fear he’d use them against me, but his reserve of patience had apparently just run out.
“Well, it’s . . . complicated.” I twisted my hands, mimicking the churning in my gut.
“Uncomplicate it for me.” The look in his eyes said who do I need to destroy?
My brain . . . blanked. Logan’s hands crackled as he struggled to maintain his composure—his frustration leaked out in unseen waves.
I wasn’t scared. I was . . . in awe.
“Audrey.” One word. A command to start talking.
And so I did. I spilled it all without holding back one gory, ugly detail. The trek through the rings, how I’d somehow slipped into his mind at one point, our party getting sent back to our realm piece by piece until Joe and I were the only ones left. And finally what had happened in the cell he’d been strung up in. How my sword shattered, accidentally stabbing Joe when I went after Alrik, and Satan’s release and promise to me.
By the end of my tale, my cheeks were drenched. Logan had taken his seat again on the couch, and I sat facing him on an armchair. The length of the coffee table was all that was between us, but it might as well have been an impenetrable wall for how isolated I felt.
Silence hung in the air.
Then the room exploded.
“No!” Logan roared. He shot to his feet and flung the glass coffee table against the wall. The furniture shattered into a million pieces. Lightning shot from his hand and connected to the window behind my head.
He pointed at something to my left, and a chair exploded. Burned stuffing littered the air around me, assaulting my sense of smell.
He was . . . unhinged.
“L
ogan.” I jumped to my feet, intending to rush to him.
“No.” A deadly calm overtook his features as he held his hands up to ward me off. Blue-and-silver lightning crackled around each finger, each knuckle, and halfway up his arm. His breath puffed out as if he’d just run a marathon. With each exhale, his hands sparked.
Throughout his rampage, I’d been more startled than afraid. But now the fear came. The fear that even though I was going to lose him eventually, I’d lost him sooner than I thought.
Was this anger at me? Rage at what I’d done—or at my selfishness in not telling him sooner?
But accusations didn’t spit from his mouth. Instead he said, “No one is going to take you from me.”
My eyes widened.
He went on. “I don’t care what deals you may or may not have made. There isn’t a being in existence who will take you from me. You. Are. Mine.”
Steel rods pieced my heart.
“Logan.” My voice softened, and I took a tentative step forward.
One hand raised higher even though he’d already warded me off. With the couch behind him, he’d have to hurdle over it or blow it up in order to retreat. There was a feral look in Logan’s eyes I’d never seen before. My stoic-masked warrior had revealed a chink in his armor.
Me.
“Logan,” I said his name again as my fingers grazed his jawline. The empathy link sprang to life between us. A sense of dread and desperation flooded me, like that of a dying man struggling to take just one more breath.
Logan was falling apart, right in front of me.
I pushed aside his feelings as best I could. Buried my own sorrow, guilt, and shame and focused on him. On us. That even though we’d only been given a speck of time together, at least we’d been blessed with that. I gathered all the love in my heart for him, and I poured it into our connection, determined to overwhelm him with positive emotions.
He crushed me to his chest. One of my hands remained gently placed on his face, and the other reached around to bury itself in his hair. Logan’s face pressed against my neck. His arms were wrapped around my body in a vice-grip, as if he was determined to never let go. One wrapped completely around my waist, and the other crossed over my back with a hand, securing my shoulder.
