by Julie Hall
People had moved on while I lay in a bed on the other side of the country. They’d finished their senior year of high school, graduated, and prepared to go to college. And I was stuck in a weird time bubble. Moving forward was like trying to walk while being immersed in a mud pit all the way up to my neck.
Slow and messy. There was progression, but every step was hard earned.
I had to carve out a new normal. I was just a little stuck on how to do that.
How was it that moving on in the afterlife had somehow been easier than moving on with my real life? It didn’t make sense.
The eternal existence I had expected to experience was still there. I could still have it someday. Logan would wait for me—I told myself that daily. But now life, this life, stretched out in front of me like a purgatory I had to get through rather than cherish.
My thinking was all messed up, I knew it was, but I didn’t know how to snap out of it. Probably at least in part because I didn’t want to.
39
Dreams
Dreams are funny things. While asleep, somehow your brain can convince you that riding a giant banana like a broomstick over your house is perfectly normal, but when you wake up, your mind knows that it’s not normal and that your super weird experience wasn’t rooted in any type of reality.
Everything makes sense until you wake up.
This wasn’t one of those dreams. This was altogether different.
When I opened my eyes, I knew three things to be true: I was in my room, I was conscious, and I was still asleep.
My dream self sat up and looked around. Everything was the same in my dream as in reality—no flying bananas.
When my gaze moved back to my bed, I was startled by a figure sitting at the foot. He was just like I remembered, and letting off a faint brightness that allowed me to see every one of his facial features.
My heart instantly lifted. I’d missed him.
“Joe?” I tentatively asked.
He smiled at me, the laugh lines at the corners of his eyes crinkling, but sadness still sat in the depth of his gaze.
“Why have you missed me, Audrey? I never left you.”
I sucked in a breath. In the months since I’d awakened, I’d cried out to him numerous times, but the comfort I’d felt in his presence while in his realm was absent.
“It felt like you had,” I admitted.
“But that’s not what you know to be true. You know I promised never to leave or abandon you. With everything you have experienced, why have you doubted that? Why have you doubted me? Why have you doubted my goodness?”
Joe cut straight to the heart of the matter, because even before I lost Logan for the second time, I’d been riddled with doubts. I’d just stuffed them down deep.
“I don’t know. This life . . . It’s just so hard.”
“I never promised it would be easy, only that I’d be with you every step.”
“I know, but when I can’t feel you . . .” I let the statement hang in the air between us. I wasn’t sure what to say.
“Did my Spirit not teach you to push past what you feel to hold on to the truth instead?”
I hung my head. “Yes.”
His finger touched my chin and brought my gaze back to his. “Then choose to believe. I know your heart is heavy. Let me carry your burdens for you.”
“But you’ve already done so much for me.”
“And you believe I’ve also taken much from you.” It wasn’t a question. He knew my heart better than I did.
I chewed on my lip.
“I don’t know how to go forward. I don’t know if I want to.” Big fat dream-tears slid down my face.
Joe pulled me into his arms. I curled up in his lap like a small child and let the sadness and loss wash over me.
“But you must, my precious one. You have a plan and a purpose here, and it’s not to hide yourself away from the world but to be a light unto it.”
Why? Why did you take him?
I never would have spoken the words out loud, but they echoed in my head on a repeat loop I was unable to stop. And of course, he heard my silent question.
“I work all things together for good.”
“This doesn’t feel good to me. I miss him so much my heart aches every minute of every day. I miss them all. It’s too much.”
“I know it’s too much. That’s why you must share your burden with me. The answer is so simple, Audrey. Simply let go and trust that I am good. Blessed are those who do not see yet still believe.”
I sobbed harder. And he rubbed my back like my mother used to.
“You are to run the race before you with endurance but never alone.”
I lifted my tear-stained face and looked into his ageless eyes. “Will you let him know I love him and that I’m waiting for him?”
“He already knows.” Joe wiped the wetness from my face. “It’s time for you to live the life you’ve been given. And remember that your sadness is my sadness, your pain is my pain. You have not and will never be forgotten. Your prize is waiting for you at the end of this leg of your journey.”
I sucked in a cleansing breath of air. Joe set me back down on the bed and coaxed me to lie down. He leaned over me and pressed a kiss to my forehead. From the point of contact, warmth radiated throughout my whole body. I closed my eyes to hang onto the feeling. When I opened them again, I was awake and Joe was no longer sitting on my bed, but I knew I wasn’t alone.
The semester ended, and I graduated with honors. I wish I could say that I cared, but I didn’t really—except for the fact that it gave me broader options in terms of universities.
I spent the winter months applying to an array of colleges, but I secretly had my eye on one in particular.
After my dream visit with Joe, I put real effort into changing the way I was living my life. Things didn’t change overnight, but months later, my slow progress could be seen.
My relationship with my parents had improved. I focused on their love for me and not what I perceived as a betrayal. I reached out to a few of my closer friends and made an effort to stay in touch. I found that I missed exerting myself physically, so I started taking a few martial arts classes—much to my parents’ surprise. I even started seeing a counselor. That was tricky, because there was only so much I could talk to her about, but it still helped.
I wasn’t okay with Logan’s parents’ decision, but she helped me see the good in it, especially the lives that were most likely saved or improved because of the sacrifice made.
When I took a step back, I realized Logan would have wanted exactly what his parents had decided rather than to just waste away in a bed for the rest of his life. If it wasn’t for the nagging what if questions that haunted me, I might even have been able to get over it.
I couldn’t completely let go. What if he had woken up someday? But at least now I was trying to get past it.
My parents had heavily hinted that I should get out and start dating. My answer to them was always the same. I’d smile and tell them maybe, but I knew in my gut that wasn’t for me. I’d already given my heart away, and I wasn’t interested in getting it back.
My heart was exactly where it belonged.
There was an existence after this life, and so one day I’d receive my happily ever after. I’d just have to be patient and wait for it.
But that didn’t mean there still wasn’t a tremendous amount of life to experience in the meantime. I didn’t think the pangs of longing every time I thought of Logan would ever go away, but I was learning to live with them, and to live a full life rather than the half one I had settled for when I woke up.
The conversation I wasn’t sure would ever happen came up the day I announced to my parents where I would be going to college. They sat and listened while I outlined my detailed plan—because I hadn’t chosen an in-state school to save money. No, I’d picked an expensive private school on the other side of the country. But I’d been smart about it. I’d received several scholarships
and grants, and I’d planned out the rest in financial aid to make it almost as affordable as if I’d stayed closer to home.
I also insisted that my parents use the money they’d originally saved up for my education to help pay off my medical bills. I hadn’t forgotten what I overheard in our kitchen when I was a hunter—what it had been like for them to struggle under the financial burden of my care.
They were shocked into silence by my announcement until I got to that last part about how I wanted them to use my college savings. At that point they launched into their own argument: that money had been set aside for my schooling for a long time. I argued back that I’d figured out a way I wouldn’t need it so they could get back in a better situation—if not for me, then for James.
A few months back, they’d nearly lost the house. They had tried to downplay the situation, but I knew they needed the money. In the end, my carefully explained financial plan was what finally convinced them.
“Audrey”—my mom’s cautionary use of my name had me sitting up a little straighter—“are you sure it’s a healthy decision for you to go to a school in California?”
And that began the conversation I had been waiting for.
“Yes,” my dad chimed in, taking my mom’s hand in a show of support, “we’re obviously a little caught off guard by this choice, but it’s clear you’ve put a responsible amount of thought into it. You’re nineteen now, so your mother and I won’t try to stop you from moving on with your life in whatever direction you choose to go. But can we have an open conversation about this?”
I pressed my lips together and put a cap on the irritation that threatened to bubble up from my gut. I’d already had this discussion in my head a thousand times, and I knew where my parents were coming from. If I was in their shoes, I’d bring it up too.
Taking a moment to compose myself, I glanced back and forth between them. My parents. The two people who loved me most in this world.
A genuine and gentle smile settled on my face and calmed my emotions. I silently sent up a word of thanks for the extra measure of patience.
“I understand your concerns. I really do. I can give you a long list of reasons why this is a great place for me to get a degree. And if I did, that would probably put your mind at ease. But I know what you’re really worried about is my underlying motive for going to a school in that location.”
I paused. This next part was going to be hard for my parents, but I wasn’t going to lie to them. “I could go to a number of different universities that would be a great fit for me, but I did choose this one because of Logan, and I know that’s not what you want to hear. And before you ask, no, I don’t plan on seeking out the Londons. I want to respect their decision to be left alone. And I do realize you think that I’m hanging on to a strange delusion that I invented, and I understand why you’d think that. The story I told that day does sound impossible, but it doesn’t matter if you believe me or not. Everything I said happened.”
“But, Audrey,” my father interjected, “we told you about so many of those events while you were in your coma. About the shooter at your school, about your Grandfather’s stroke. Do you not think there’s a possibility that maybe your mind just created that world you spoke of while you were asleep?”
Okay, we were going there.
“No, Dad. I know you don’t believe me, but even if my mind invented some fantastical dream world when I was out based on the stories you and Mom told me, it still doesn’t account for Logan. It’s okay that you don’t believe me. If our situations were reversed, I might not believe me either, but that’s really not the point. I’m not moving out there to obsess over him but rather because I really do enjoy California. I think I can be happy there for four years. I like the sun and the beach. And things that remind me of him . . . help.”
Mom’s eyes were a little dewy. “Honey, real or not, how can you ever move on completely if you don’t let go of him?”
That was a valid point.
“I have faith that it will work out, Mom. I don’t need it, because I’m an adult, but I’d like your blessing on this decision. And I realize you’re going to need a measure of faith in me to do so.”
I waited while my parents exchanged worried looks. After what felt like forever, my mom gave my dad a small nod. He huffed and ran a hand through his hair before leaning forward and kissing her cheek. There were a few whispered words between them, and I waited patiently for their response.
“All right, Audrey, your mother and I may never truly understand what happened to you during those months we lost you, but if this is what you want to do, we’ll stand behind you.”
I let the hot breath of air I’d been holding leak from my lungs. “Thank you.”
“Audrey, no matter what, we’re always behind you.”
40
Beginnings
Salty wind slapped me in the face and sent my hair flying in all directions. I was letting it grow out, and it fell just below my shoulders. Thank goodness, I was finally able to get it into a proper ponytail—but today I’d let it free. I would pay for that decision with a bundle of knots later, but at the moment, I didn’t care.
I closed my eyes to soak in the day. Tipping my head back, I absorbed the warmth of the sun. The gritty sand softly exfoliated the skin between my wiggling toes. The repetitive beating of the surf against the beach matched the tempo of my heartbeat.
I was more at home here than anywhere else. This had been a good decision.
I’d started summer courses at a college in Malibu, California. I’d already taken a semester off, so what was the point of waiting until the fall to start? My dad had flown in with me to help me get settled. I met and moved in with my bubbly new roommate, Ashlynn. I already knew things were going to be interesting with that one. She had a thirst for life and a carefree demeanor that was contagious. Classes had started mid-week, and it took me a few more days to get oriented. But the song of the ocean had called to me the whole time, and now I was finally here.
A full week passed before I could break away and soak it all in.
The sun hung heavily toward the sea, telling me it was late in the afternoon. I didn’t care. That meant if I stayed out long enough, I could catch the sunset. I loved sunsets.
I laid out a towel and sank down onto it, forgetting my textbook for the time being and just lazily enjoying all the free vitamin D. Eventually I fell asleep to the lull of the lapping waves.
The chilling air woke me slowly, and I lifted my arms above my head and cat-stretched on my towel. I froze mid-stretch with the overwhelming feeling of a presence hovering near me.
Oh gosh, I hope it’s not a creeper checking me out in my bikini.
With my eyes still closed, I brought my arms down to my side and cracked my eyelids open. I was right . . . there was someone seated at the foot of my towel, just off to the right. Thankfully he wasn’t watching me. Instead he was staring at the ocean in front of us.
The sun was sitting right on the horizon, making it difficult to make out any of his features. Through squinted eyes, I could really only make out that this was a guy in board shorts, knees pulled up and arms draped over them. I couldn’t even guess at his age.
I quietly slid my arms behind me so I rested on my forearms, giving me a better view. I tilted my head. He wasn’t quite as close to my towel as I’d thought, but this was a big beach. He definitely didn’t need to be sitting here.
His behavior was kind of unnerving.
How in the world was I supposed to tell this stranger that he was invading my personal bubble?
I almost laughed to myself. Who was I kidding? This was me. I was the queen of blunt. I was going to say it exactly like that. But I wanted a moment to study this weirdo before I shooed him away.
He didn’t have any tan lines on his back, but his skin was a little too white for him to be a local. I’d quickly learned to pick out the people who lived in the area from the tourists based on level of tan alone. I, for instance, stuck
out like a sore thumb, even with my somewhat naturally darker skin tone due to my heritage. There wasn’t the telltale evidence of natural coloring across my cheeks and nose yet, or a tan line circling my neck from my suit strings. That actually reminded me that I should probably reapply my sunscreen.
Premature aging . . . no thank you.
I sat up and extended my hand toward my bottle of sunblock but stopped mid-reach.
His hair.
There was probably only an inch of growth on his head, but the color. Even though the halo the sunset cast on him . . . I knew that color.
My breath caught in my throat.
There was no way. Lots of guys had light hair in the beachy areas of Southern California. It had to be just a coincidence.
I forced a normal cadence to my breathing. Inhale, then exhale. Then repeat.
I could control my breaths, but I couldn’t control my rapidly beating heart.
This dude needed to turn around so I could see he wasn’t Logan and stop freaking out.
I was going to have to get used to this, I told myself. The sun bleached out people’s hair fairly easy, and with all the surfers in this area, there were going to be people who looked like him. I needed to learn to desensitize myself.
Time to rip off the bandage.
“Yo, dude, you want to find somewhere else on the beach to plop it? You’re blocking my sun.” Leaning forward, I waved my hand in front of me in a shooing motion. A motion that froze the moment the guy twisted around.
My arms suspended awkwardly in the air as I took in his familiar face.
Eyes as blue as the ocean on a sunny day, brows several shades darker than the hair on his head, straight nose, strong jaw, and lips I could still remember the peppermint taste of.
And just as I was drinking in the sight of him, he was doing the same to me—his gaze searching every feature of my face before colliding with mine. And when it did, I swear a field of electricity pulled us together.
