by Eric Vall
We may have bought this bus for our cultists forever ago, but this was the first time I’d actually been on it.
The seats were made up of some sort of blue velvety material, and they were lined up two-by-two on either side of a carpeted aisle that ran the entire length of the bus. There were small, gray storage areas above each seat and TVs every ten feet or so. A strip of dull white light ran down the ceiling and illuminated the interior in a warm glow, and there were a few multi-colored light installations just under the storage compartments.
I wasted no time in sauntering over and plopping down in a nearby seat. Maybe it was because I was tired as fuck, but the cushion made me feel like I was lying on a cloud of air. I kicked back the seat as far as it would go, leaned back, and let out a deep sigh.
Sia, Liby, Eligor, Todd, and Ira’s sub all found their own seats, and they relaxed as the driver twisted the key and the engine roared to life.
The ghost of Martatelli appeared through the side of the vehicle as if it weren’t even there. He looked around, admiring the modern decor, and then he gracefully floated over to one of the TVs. The spirit reached up, flicked the power button, and then gasped when the screen sprang to life.
“Oh yeah,” I observed in a whisper. “I guess this is the first time Angelo’s ever seen a television before. I hope it’s not too much for him.”
“And I hope he likes Howard the Duck,” Todd snorted back. “That’s the only movie which we could afford the rights to play on this caravan.”
“Great,” I couldn’t help but chuckle at the thought. “I guess that’s one way to get him acquainted with modern culture.”
The driver kicked the bus into gear, and I felt the vehicle slowly begin to lurch forward. I closed my eyes as I took in the sounds of the highway passing by outside, and then the next thing I knew I was asleep.
“Well, well, well,” I was finally awakened by a familiar, seductive voice. “Look what the cat dragged in.”
As my eyes fluttered open, I could just make out the figure of a woman wearing a dark robe. Her curves were unbelievable, and her dark brunette hair fell down over her shoulders like a cascade of cocoa. The woman’s eyes were a bright blue, almost to the point where they were teal.
I’d recognize those eyes anywhere.
“Hey Jane,” I greeted the cultist as I rubbed my eyes groggily. “Long time no see.”
Instead of responding, the cultist threw her arms around my body and pulled me into a long, warm embrace. She held me like she never wanted to let me go, and I could feel her entire figure trembling as she tightened her grip.
“We thought you were gone forever,” she said through a sniffle. “When we didn’t hear from you for all those months, Oliver and I assumed … ”
“I’m far from dead, Jane,” I promised the brunette as I ran a hand through her silky brown locks. “In fact, I’ve never felt better in my life.”
The brown-haired woman pulled back and looked me deep in the eyes. Her bottom lip quivered as her eyes lit up with joy.
“We’re just glad to have you home,” she noted.
“I’m glad to be home,” I chuckled. “But soon, you’ll be coming with me to our new home. A place where we can do whatever the fuck we want and eventually live in peace.”
“Eventually?” Jane asked. “I don’t like the sound of that.”
I let go of the cultist, stood up, and headed toward the exit of the bus.
“We have lots to talk about,” I explained. “I’ll tell you everything once we’re in the safety of air conditioning.”
I stepped out into a dusty landscape and was instantly engulfed in the heat of the mid-afternoon sun. The UV rays beat down on my skin, and I swore I could feel my skin turning red and burning in its presence. The fact that I was still clad in my armor didn’t do me any favors, either. I wiped the sweat from my brow as I took in the view of our mansion.
It’d only been a few months since we’d left on our adventure to Hell, but it felt like it’d been an eternity. The white stucco walls of the Spanish Villa-style mansion appeared to be as pristine as ever as their color was amplified by the afternoon light, and the brownish-red tile on the roof looked as if it were brand new.
Jane strutted past me, and I couldn’t help but watch the sashay of her hips as she walked. Her curvy ass was almost hypnotic as it swayed from side to side seductively, and it had caught me deeply in its trance.
I was finally snapped out of it when the cultist cleared her throat.
“We’ll have plenty of time for that later,” Jane chuckled as she opened the door. “Trust me, I’ve been thinking about it for ages.”
A sly grin spread up my face at the thought, and then I followed the brunette inside.
The interior of our mansion was just as I remembered it. Inside the front door was a small room with a large, dual set of marble staircases that led up to the second floor. Each one had black metal railings that had been carved into intricate designs and turned into a bannister for the second floor. At the bottom of each staircase was a door that led to a different part of the mansion, and right between them was a small wooden table that acted as a “catch-all” for the house.
Jane walked through the door on the left, the one that led to the living area of the house, and I followed in a hurry. On the other side of the threshold was a large room divided directly in half. On the right side was a beautiful red couch and a few “modern” style fabric chairs. The seating arrangements sat in front of a small gas fireplace on the wall, and there was a large flatscreen TV mounted on the wall above it.
Todd, now back in his imp form, was standing up on one of the couch cushions, gesturing wildly as he told a story to a man in a dark navy robe.
The man’s face was full of wrinkles, and his hair was white and unkempt, almost like a bird’s nest. He had an expression of awe and wonder on his face as he sat and listened to Todd’s words, but his eyes seemed to be zoning out.
That would be Oliver, the co-leader of my cult.
Superbia and Ira’s sub sat in chairs with their legs crossed delicately over themselves, but they were both rolling their eyes at what I assumed was an over-exaggerated story.
Libidine and Eligor were both in the left half of the room, sitting at the dark marble breakfast bar. The succubus had a half-eaten apple in her hand, while the knight was twirling around a small butter knife on the counter.
Finally, there was Angelo. I could see the spectre of the Italian scientist through the sliding glass door, and he looked like he was having a blast. The Shade was staring up at the sky with his arms outstretched to both sides, and he appeared to be cackling loudly as he soaked in the sun.
“He’s been Shawshank-ing for like, ten minutes straight, bro,” Todd explained when he saw I’d entered the room. “He’s totally eating up the sun.”
“Thank goodness he’s a ghost,” I joked. “If that were me or you, we’d be getting burnt to a crisp.”
“Or we’d die of heat stroke,” the imp added. “‘Dry heat’ my ass.”
“Hey, it was your idea to come out here for school,” I reminded my friend. “We could have stayed in Kansas City and went to one of the universities there, but you wanted to come out here and ‘explore the west.’”
“And by that, I meant the babes,” Todd noted. “The reservoir in KC had all but dried up for the Toddster by that time, bro. The chicks just couldn’t handle the awesomeness that was the five-four, goatee-d sex machine I was. Now that I got this sweet imp bod and massive schlong? I’m set for life, Jakey!”
Oliver’s eyes went wide as a large smile spread across his face. The white-haired man leapt to his feet as nimbly as he could, and then he scuttled across the room and began to shake my hand profusely.
“Jacob!” he exclaimed as he nearly ripped my arm from its socket. “It’s so great to see you again! We feared you’d been killed by Azazel. Or even worse, trapped in the Lake of Fire for all eternity!”
“Not quite,” I retorted
slyly. “In fact, that ‘Lake of Fire’ is going to be your new base of operations.”
The cultist quirked his head to the side curiously and released my hand.
“What do you mean?” he asked. “Did we do something wrong?”
“Quite the contrary,” Superbia giggled slyly. “It is a great reward.”
“Nobody’s told them?” I gasped.
I would have assumed between Todd’s blabbermouth, Sia’s “down-to-business” attitude, and Liby’s chattiness, somebody would have spilled the beans already.
“I figured it was not my place to tell,” Superbia said with a shrug.
“I was getting to that part,” Todd admitted. “I was just telling Oliver here about that sonofabitch, Vermis. Ya know, how I invoked the power of Grayskull and then picked him up by his tail, swung him around like a yo-yo, and then threw him off into the Lake of Fire?”
“That’s exactly how it went down,” I snorted.
“That’s fine and dandy, but what are they talking about?” Jane demanded somewhat sassily.
I took a step away from the brunette so I was now standing in the center of the room, and then I cleared my throat dramatically.
“Well … ” I began. “I guess now’s as good of a t--”
“Hold up, Jakey,” Todd interrupted. “Let me give you some hype music.”
The imp balanced himself on the thin back of the couch, started to pound his chest repeatedly, and then began to beatbox.
“I, uh … ” I tried not to be distracted by the imp’s sounds. “I guess now’s as good of a time as any to tell you that … I’m the new King of the Fourth Circle. We killed Azazel and took over his domain.”
Todd did one last “ricki-ricki,” and then he put his hands over his mouth and did a soft cheering sound.
“You--you’re the King of the Fourth Circle?” Oliver gasped.
“In the flesh,” I joked awkwardly.
Without another word, both Jane and Oliver fell down onto their knees and bowed.
“We are humbled to simply be in your presence, my King,” Oliver proclaimed.
“Please don’t do that,” I sighed. “Come on now, you know it made me uncomfortable when I was just a cult leader. It’s ten times worse now that I’ve been promoted.”
“You weren’t promoted,” Jane shot back as she stood up. “You took the throne from that bastard fair and square. And now you’ve returned to us so you can bring your loyal subjects back to your domain?”
I gave the brunette a short nod, and she grinned from ear-to-ear.
“That’s the idea,” I explained. “At least, some of you are coming back. I’m still going to need people here on Earth Realm to make sure everything’s good on this end.”
“I’m glad you brought that up,” Oliver explained as he raised his eyes to meet mine. “We’ve actually been--”
“Wait, waaaaaiiiitttt,” Todd interjected.
The imp hopped down off the couch, ran over to Oliver’s feet, and then leaned over and inspected his footwear.
“Todd,” the white-haired man scoffed, “I don’t see what’s so import--”
“Are you wearing New Balance sneakers?” the imp guffawed.
“Of course I am!” Oliver shot back. “You always gave me lip about my crocs and socks, so I figured I’d try to be a bit more ‘hip.’ They’re even gray. Perfectly neutral to go with the dark robes and my khaki cargo shorts. See? I even made sure to wear ankle socks.”
Todd stared at the cultist as if his brain was trying to compute the words. Then, he let out a giggle, grabbed his sides, and fell over onto the ground.
“I really fucking missed you, Ollie,” the imp cackled in between fits of laughter.
“Anyways,” Jane sighed. “What Oliver was trying to tell you is that we’ve had some issues up here since you’ve been gone.”
“What kind of issues?” I questioned.
“The Cult of Beelzebub,” the brunette retorted grimly, “and Daeva. The two parties have apparently joined forces, because they’ve both been wreaking havoc all over the Southwest in the last few months.”
“That’s probably because we haven’t been playing nice with their leader,” Eligor interjected. “Beelzebub and Baphomet are both currently planning to invade the Fourth Circle.”
“Probably Gressil, too,” Superbia added. “I doubt he’s too happy that we broke into his territory, released a bunch of his Shades, and killed his henchmen.”
“Ah, so we probably have three Demon Kings to worry about,” I sighed. “No biggie.”
“Do you have any allies of your own?” Oliver asked as he stood up and began to bounce up and down like an excited puppy. “Belphagor, perhaps? Or were you crazy enough to convince Abbadon to join you? I knew you could do it, my Ki--er, Jacob!”
“Actually,” I admitted, “right now we’re just in an alliance with Asmodeus, and we’ve got Mephisto and Gamigan on our side as generals.”
Oliver continued to smile at me like a fool as he took in my words, but then his expression slowly faded into a frown.
“Oh,” he muttered, obviously trying to hide his disappointment. “I-I suppose Asmodeus does have much sway over the other Demon Kings.”
“Lilith is on Jacob’s side, as well,” Eligor announced, and then she stabbed the knife into the table and stood up. “She is the most powerful ally a Demon King could have, save for Lucifer himself. Fear not, Oliver. Once we sway the other Demon Lords to our side, nobody will be able to stop us.”
“I like this one,” Oliver whistled. “Whose succubus is she?”
Suddenly, the knife that had been jutting out of the table flew past the old man’s head point-first. It made a loud swishing sound as it just missed his earlobe and stabbed into the stuccoed wall behind him.
The cultist’s jaw dropped as his eyes went wide, and he felt his ear to make sure it was still there.
“I’m no succubus,” Eligor hissed at the white-haired man. “I’m a Knight of Hell, loyal servant to Lilith and Jacob Ralston. Try to remember that.”
“I like her even more,” Jane whispered into my ear.
“What is the status on everything else?” Superbia asked curiously. “Where are we on the list of demons in disguise?”
Oliver recomposed himself, brushed off his robe, and then turned to the redhead.
“That old thing?” he said with a smile. “We’ve been done with that list for nearly two months now.”
“You’ve killed every single demon who was hiding here on Earth?” I gasped.
“Welp,” Ira’s sub chuckled, “that’s gonna give me a lot less competition in the political sphere.”
“Not every single demon who’s been hiding on Earth,” the cult leader corrected, “just all the ones whose names appeared in that old Vatican book.”
“Holy shit!” I exclaimed with a broad grin. “Excellent job, guys!”
“We try,” Jane flirted back with a wink.
“What about our Earthly endeavors?” Sia continued. “Surely those have been taken care of by somebody, no?”
“Of course,” Oliver continued. “The Velvet Lips Gentlemen’s club, for example, is currently being run by brother Robert. Profit has been steadily increasing, too! Do you know how much money we brought in last month? One-hundred thousand dollars!”
The color drained from Superbia’s face as she sat forward in her chair, and her violet eyes narrowed.
“One-hundred thousand?” she growled. “We normally bring in five-hundred thousand on a bad month!”
“Oh,” Oliver sighed. “Well, it’s a good thing you’re temporarily back, then! Maybe you can show Robert how it’s done.”
“What about me?” Ira’s sub perked up. “Has anyone come looking for ‘Maggie Franklin?’”
“Actually, no,” the cult leader admitted. “Not a single word has been said about your absence from Congress.”
“Not a word after six months of no-shows?” Todd scoffed. “Fucking typical. That’s probabl
y still a better record than most of the other slugs up on Capitol Hill. Did I ever tell you how Congress is built over a literal portal to the center of the Earth?”
“No, Todd,” I sighed. “Maybe another time.”
“We have received lots of concerned calls about Gula,” Jane stepped in. “Chef Ramsey … Rachael Ray … Paula Deen … they’re all looking for her and her wonderful cooking.”
“Well, she’s currently doing the rations for our army,” I laughed. “They’re probably gonna have to wait a while longer on that one.”
“Oh my god … ” Todd gasped and slapped his hands against his cheeks. “What about Slothy and I’s dispensary? The one just across the border?”
Oliver and Jane looked at each other with confusion in their eyes.
“You had a dispensary?” the brunette asked curiously. “We had no idea.”
“Nooooooooooo!” Todd shrieked and began to run for the sliding glass door. “My babies are probably all wilted. I bet they’re drier than Hugh Hefner’s ballsack by now!”
The imp threw open the sliding glass door, surrounded himself with black Hellfire, and turned invisible. Then he ran to the center of the backyard and propelled himself off into the air.
Angelo’s ghost had now settled in by the pool, and he simply watched the imp curiously as he disappeared into the clouds.
Libidine walked over, slid the door shut, and then sighed.
“Poor guy,” the Sister of Lust mused. “He hasn’t had a hit in forever. It must be driving him crazy.”
“He’ll be fine,” I reassured her. “A sober Todd is a much less mischievous Todd. I think we could all do without his prank calls for a little--”
I went silent as the words left my mouth. Raphael. The last time we’d seen the Archangel, we’d lied to him about trying to enter the Porta ad Inferos.
“What’s wrong, Jacob?” Liby asked with a concerned tone.
“It’s just … do you think Raphael sold us out?” I pondered aloud. “He warned us not to go to Hell, and now that we’re back we suddenly have the Exalted One looking for us?”
“I don’t know,” Oliver admitted. “We haven’t heard from Raphael since you guys all left for the Porta ad Inferos. When we thought you were lost forever, we sent a small group of cultists out there to retrieve you, but there was no sign of anyone around.”
