by Eric Vall
I’d seen plenty of death and destruction in my day, but this was so far over the line I wanted to kill these fuckers right then and there.
Finally, the sounds ceased, and the group exited through the same doors they had come in. However, the first man out of the building wasn’t wearing his hood. The footage froze and then zoomed in on his face.
It was a guy who appeared to be middle-aged, with short gray hair and a clean-shaven face. His features were chiseled and wide, and his eyes looked like they were almost halfway back in his eye sockets.
“Cancio,” Martatelli sneered.
“He’s right,” Sia agreed. “See that man right there? That’s Russo Cancio, the man who has been the leader of the Order of the Exalted since its inception.”
“He doesn’t look bad for being almost a thousand years old,” Raphael admitted. “I would have figured even with his powerful magic, he’d at least have some white hairs or something. Instead, he’s pulling off the whole ‘silver fox’ thing quite well.”
“You’re supposed to say no homoooooo!” Todd’s voice snickered from the other room.
“Todd, you can come back in here,” I sighed.
The imp walked back into the living room with his hand over his mouth and an amused look on his face.
“First Uriel, and now this OE guy?” Todd observed. “As your buddy, I gotta tell you that you’re looking about as straight as a circle right now.”
“I can assure you that’s not the case,” Raph sighed.
“Oh yeah,” Eligor chuckled. “If there’s one thing all the angels knew about Raphael, it’s that he liked his Earth women.”
“What?” the dark-haired man scoffed. “I would never break my holy vows like that.”
“Mhmm,” Eligor shot back, unconvinced. “I’m sure Cupi would back me up on this one. There’s probably dozens, if not hundreds, of little Nephillim Raphaels running around out there.”
“Nephilim?” Aruna asked curiously.
“The children of an angel or demon and a human,” I explained. “Allegedly more powerful than both, and highly forbidden by interdimensional law.”
“Holy shit!” Todd gasped. “Jakey knew something about the occult that Aruna didn’t? I see the apprentice has become the master.”
“Nephilim are highly illegal and seen as an abomination to the Divine,” Raphael shot back with a scowl. “Even if I were to break my vows, which I didn’t, I wouldn’t have been stupid enough to not use protection.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Todd said as he made a “hold up” motion with his hands, “are you tellin’ me there are some sort of Divine-strength condoms out there?”
“Of course there are,” the Archangel explained matter-of-factly. “We can’t have our angels and Archangels going around getting each other pregnant now, can we?”
“Damn,” Todd whistled. “Finally, a cock sock strong enough to contain the Toddster’s love juice! Is there like, a family planning section in the Safeways up there?”
Raphael made a gagging noise as his entire body dry heaved.
“Man,” I joked, “maybe those six months away from us reset your Todd tolerance levels.”
The Archangel went to say something, but then he stopped, held up his finger, and gagged again.
“Alright, so the Order of the Exalted is behind these attacks,” Aruna said as she rolled her eyes and tried to get us back on track. “How does this change our strategy whatsoever?”
“It changes it a lot, actually,” Sia sighed. “The Order of the Exalted is made up of powerful sorcerers who have had nearly a thousand years to perfect their craft. It’s not like modern-day Demonic cults made up of mostly average mortals who just wanted something to do on Saturday nights and dabble in magic.”
“In other words,” Todd explained, “it’s the difference between a grunt and an enforcer.”
“I’m not sure what that means, exactly,” Sia admitted, “but it sounds about right. The Order of the Exalted are much more powerful foes than simple Daeva or Cultists or even those red demon grunts we’re used to fighting.”
Just then, there was a loud knock at the door. All six of us looked at each other cautiously.
Martatelli and Todd both stared at each other as they shook their heads.
“I’m not getting fried again, bro,” the imp argued.
The ghost of Martatelli mumbled something back in Italian as he crossed his arms over his chest.
“Goodness,” Raphael chuckled. “It’s just the door. I’ll get it.”
The Archangel sauntered out of the room and toward the entryway. Next, there was the sound of the door opening slowly, and then a loud sigh of relief.
“It’s Libidine, everyone!” he announced.
The Archangel walked back into the room, immediately followed by the Sister of Lust.
When I saw Libidine in all her glory, I felt the breath disappear from my lungs. The succubus was absolutely stunning in her long, flowing, knee-high sundress with its light blue fabric dotted with white florals. The garment’s neckline was plunging, to say the least, and Liby’s massive cleavage was on full display.
“Did you even need to use your powers?” I chuckled. “I would have given you all the information you wanted totally willingly.”
“Always the charmer,” Liby shot back with a wink. “But yes, I was able to shake loose some information. I--”
“Uh-huh,” the voice of Ira’s sub pondered as she walked into the room from the other side, phone still at her ear. “Uh-huh. Okay, thanks, Charlie.”
The submissive succubus pulled her device away from her ear, tapped the button to end the call, and then slid it back into her side pocket.
“Who’s got two thumbs, self-inflicted bruises, and just got us a lead?” she announced. “This girl right here!”
“I was just telling them about my lead, as well,” Libidine mused. “Unfortunately, the Cult of Beelzebub has been all but driven out of Phoenix thanks to your followers. But, I was able to track down a small sect of the Cult of Mammon. They were … less than willing to share information with me, but I was able to eventually get it out of them.”
“Attagirl, Lib!” Todd said with a fist pump. “Please tell me you held somebody’s face up to the fire until they squealed?”
“No, no,” Liby admitted. “As I was leaving, I used my mind control powers on the guard and forced him to attack his brethren. He killed like, half of the group before one of them decided they were going to beg for their lives.”
“Niiiiicccce,” the imp whistled.
“What did they tell you?” I demanded.
“They said they were trying to keep a low profile thanks to the increased activity from the Cult of Ralston,” she explained. “They claimed that nowadays they’re afraid to even show their faces because ‘our cult’ is going around slaughtering everyone. Strangely enough, they said their own cult has been the one targeted the most.”
“That makes sense,” Raphael admitted. “Mammon and Beelzebub have never really been on good terms.”
“Exactly,” Liby confirmed with a nod. “Apparently, their cult has been all but wiped out in the Southwest, and all of their sects have been trying to regroup tonight in a small town in Colorado. Cortez, I believe?”
“That lines up with what I heard!” Ira’s sub announced. “My source told me the local police have been pulling their hair out trying to figure out this string of murders. A string of murders that follows a clear pattern. Here, let me show you.”
Ira snatched away the remote from the ghost of Martatelli, who just grumbled in his native tongue. She flipped through the channels until she found a weather station currently displaying a map of the United States. The succubus walked up and pointed at the spot where Phoenix should be.
“So, if we go by the police reports, these murderers are following a pattern,” she explained.
Ira’s sub ran her finger along the map as she drew an invisible line going northeast.
“First t
here were the murders in Flagstaff,” she continued, “then the small town of Cameron, and then they literally just found bodies out in the middle of the desert near Red Mesa. That was yesterday.”
“So, the Order of the Exalted appears to be following highway one-sixty,” Sia observed.
“And what’s the next major stop on highway one-sixty?” the dark-haired succubus proceeded.
“Cortez, Colorado,” I realized.
“Which is where the Cult of Mammon claim to be currently regrouping,” Libidine added.
“Well shit … ” I mused. “Then it looks like we’ve got a destination. We can go out there, kill these fuckers who are trying to ruin me, and then take one of them back to Heaven and have him clear my name.”
“A stakeout in a state with legal weed?” Todd gasped. “Say no more, Jakey. I’ll go get my shit.”
“I’ll go, too,” Eligor announced. “I swore to Lilith I would assist you, and it’s an oath I intend to keep.”
“I shall go, as well,” Raphael added. “Like it or not, I’m now in this as deep as you are. Clearing your name is going to help clear my own.”
“Obviously, I’m going, too,” Aruna said matter-of-factly. “Unless you want to pay me to sit around and do nothing.”
“There’s still room in Shadow for one more,” I announced. “Any takers?”
“Perhaps Ariel should go with you?” Libidine suggested. “She’s new to the team, and it would be a great bonding experience.”
“Not a bad idea,” I admitted as I turned to address the room. “Alright, team, grab everything you could possibly need and meet me out in the garage in fifteen. In the meantime, I’ll see what Ariel is up to.”
My friends all gave me understanding nods and then went off to prepare.
“What shall we do in the meantime, Jacob?” Sia asked curiously.
“You guys have to hold down the fort,” I explained. “Metatron is surely going to be looking for us, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he showed up here again. Other than that, I want you guys to do what you do best.”
“Does that mean I can remodel the basement like I’ve been asking for the last year?” Liby gasped and jumped up and down with joy.
“We don’t have the financial capital for that right now, I’m afraid,” Superbia explained, “but surely you can come up with some ideas for when we do. I’m going to be writing up some business plans for the Velvet Lips, that’s for sure.”
“And I’ll be on the phone trying to catch up with everything I’ve missed,” Ira’s sub sighed happily. “I’ve forgotten how tedious Earth politics are. It’s Hell on Earth, and I love every second of it.”
“Guys,” I chuckled, “we’re not going to be gone for that long. Cortez is only a six hour drive from here. If all goes well, we should be back sometime tomorrow afternoon.”
“If you don’t end up stopping to copulate with those beautiful women you have along for the ride,” Sia cooed.
“Nah,” I shot back with a smile, “I’ve got Raph and Todd with me. They’ll keep me on track.”
With that, I bid my friends farewell and headed out to the garage. As I quietly opened the door and snuck into the large two-car structure, the smell of motor oil, grease, and hot metal filled my nostrils.
Directly in front of me sat my pride and joy, the 2015 Jeep Wrangler we all referred to as Shadow. This thing may not have been the most flashy or expensive vehicle, but it had gotten us through adventure after countless adventure. Not to mention, it had the ability to go off-road and could hold five people plus Todd if he was in his imp form.
Just behind the black jeep was the vehicle we’d “inherited” from Robert Quinn when we killed him and stole his mansion. It was a bright red Maserati GT with a ridiculously powerful engine and a sleek, sexy design. Stella was a lot less practical than Shadow or Lola, but she was an absolute blast to drive.
At the front of the garage stood Ariel, hunched over a workbench as sparks flew from the space in front of her. The angel’s ridiculously toned ass was on full display as she arched her back and focused on her work, and I couldn’t help but stare as I approached her.
Finally, the sparks stopped, and the redhead stood up straight. Ariel sat the small blowtorch she was holding down on the bench beside her, and then she flipped up the welding hood on her face and turned to greet me. Her face and hands were covered with smudges of grease, but her pearly-white grin told me she was having the time of her life.
“It’s done!” she exclaimed happily. “I hate to brag, but I think I’ve totally outdone myself this time.”
The redhead whipped off her welding hood, placed it delicately on the bench, and then reached over and picked up a hilted black object. She motioned for me to open up my hand, and I obliged.
“Careful,” she warned, “it still might be hot.”
“I’m a Demon King,” I reminded the angel. “It doesn’t matter.”
She plunked the dark object down into my hand. It was a medium-sized combat knife made of pure black metal.
“I noticed they were holding your dagger as evidence,” she explained, “so I made you a new one. It matches your sword and everything.”
This new weapon was far more tactical than the ones I was used to. It’s jet-black hilt had tiny grooves for my fingers to rest in, and the blade itself was nearly seven inches long. The razor-sharp blade had a slight curve to it, with a sharp hook at the tip and small serrations on the back end. It was heavy in my hand, and I guessed that made it more useful in combat.
“I fucking love it,” I said, dumfounded. “How did you make this? What the hell did you make this out of?”
The redhead just winked.
“That’s for me to know,” she giggled. “So? Did I pass?”
“With flying colors,” I admitted as I sheathed the knife in the spot where my dagger used to go. “Damn, it even fits my sheath and everything.”
“Glad to hear you’re satisfied,” Ariel retorted in a flirty tone.
“You want to satisfy me more?” I shot back, and the angel’s face turned beet red. “I, uh- I mean … we’re going on a mission. I wanted to know if you would join us.”
“Oh.” The redhead smiled and looked up at me bashfully. “Of course I’ll come with you.”
“It’ll be you, me, Todd, Eligor, Raph, and Aruna,” I explained. “Pretty good company, if you ask me.”
“None of the succubi are coming?” she questioned.
“They’ve all got way more important things to do than stake out some hodunk down in the middle of nowhere,” I admitted. “Besides, I want to see how my newest allies all work as a team.”
“I won’t disappoint you,” Ariel promised. “Teamwork makes the dream work.”
Just then, the large garage door at the other side of the building began to open.
“I hope you guys are decent,” Todd’s voice called out, “we’re comin’ in, bro, and we’d really prefer not to see your twig-n-berries.”
“Speak for yourself,” I heard Aruna jab.
Ariel and I turned around to see the Rakshasi had changed into her armor. The breastplate was made up of shiny silver, with a scale-like pattern and an intricately-punched design that ran along the perimeter of her neck. Loose red fabric came down to just above her knees, where her silver boots ended, and there was a yellow strip of fabric tied around her waist. The Rakshasi was wearing sterling silver cuffs on both of her wrists, and she had a tiara encrusted with a single ruby buried in her dark locks. On her belt hung her vast array of weapons, including her enchanted chakram, her bhuj sword, and a deadly katar.
Raph stood next to the Rakshasi in his pristine white SWAT uniform. He had his trusty enchanted FAMAS slung over his shoulder, and it looked like his pockets were stuffed to the brim with other gadgets and goodies.
Eligor was still in her tiny yet protective armor, with its bikini top that barely covered her nipples and essentially a metal thong for bottoms. She rested her hands happily on the hilts of
her dual swords as she approached.
Then there was Todd. The imp had a beat-up blue backpack slung around his shoulders and a large, purple bong in his hand.
“Only the essentials, bro,” he explained as he scurried over to Shadow and popped open the back hatch.
My friends all took turns placing their gear in the back of the vehicle, and then they plopped into the jeep one-by-one.
“Did you need to grab anything else?” I asked Ariel.
The redhead shook her head.
“Between my energy claws and the tiny arsenal we’re taking along, definitely not,” she explained.
“Alright, then.” I nodded as I motioned to the vehicle. “Let’s get going.”
Eligor and Todd were already sharing the passenger’s seat, so Ariel had to slide into the driver’s side back seat next to Raphael.
I walked up to our jeep, threw open the door, and then hoisted myself up into the vehicle. The leather seats greeted me like an old friend as I adjusted myself to get comfortable, and then I slid the key into the ignition and twisted.
Shadow’s engine roared to life, and I put her in reverse.
“Next stop, death and destruction,” I laughed as I pulled out of the garage and onto the road.
Chapter 12
Waves of heat rolled off the desert highway as we shot down the road at nearly one-hundred miles per hour. The sun was high in the sky, and the cabin of the jeep was filled with the sounds of one of Todd’s classic rock mix CDs.
Todd was standing on the center console of the vehicle, explaining some convoluted conspiracy theory to the angels and demons in the back, all while they argued skeptically.
Honestly, as much fun as I’d been having as a Demon King of Hell, I’d missed this shit.
We’d been driving for about an hour at this point, and I could tell the rest of the team was starting to get restless.
Then the unthinkable happened.
Todd went silent.
“What’s wrong, Todd?” Raphael asked with concern in his voice. “I was quite interested in hearing how the Chupacabra related to the Moon Landing.”
“Broooooo,” the imp gasped. “Do you see that sign over there?”
