by Eric Vall
“P-Please put me down--” the cultist blubbered, but then his voice was cut short when Beelzebub squeezed his neck.
The man’s head twisted in an awkward way as his spine tore through his flesh, and his tongue flopped out of his mouth. Then the Lord of the Flies tossed him away nonchalantly.
“Good luck clearing your name without your star witness,” he cackled. “Oh, and Jacob? Remember to keep an eye on those you love. You never know when they’re going to be gone.”
“What the fuck are you planning, Beelzebub?” I demanded as I used the Unhallowed Sword to prop myself up onto my feet.
The Demon King just smirked as he summoned green Hellfire into his hands. He snapped his fingers, and instantly he and the rest of his cultists disappeared with a flash of jade fire.
We were alone, once again.
I collapsed down to my knees and slammed my fist into the ground in frustration.
“Fuck!” I roared. “All of this for nothing.”
“At least we know the next part of his plan,” Ariel tried to comfort me as she approached. “That’s not nothing.”
“It’s worse than nothing,” I sighed. “Now, he’s got one of my ‘cultists’ with me on tape, confessing to all the murders that went down here.”
I heard Todd’s voice say something from the wrecked car, but it was too weak to understand.
“What was that, Todd?” Raphael asked curiously.
Aruna appeared at my other side, and she and Ariel helped me up. With their assistance, we made our way over to where the imp was laying in a heap.
Todd was still alive, but he was pretty battered and bruised.
“I said … ” he weakly announced, “as your legal counsel, I beg to differ, bro.”
“What do you mean?” Raph sighed. “We all saw what happened. Beelzebub has the tape, and he killed our witness. We’re hosed.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Raphey boy,” the imp joked through a cough.
Todd pointed up at his head. Slowly, his invisibility spell began to disappear, and a helmet with a small go-pro camera appeared seemingly out of thin air. The thing was pretty dinged up, with shards of plastic ripped off and wires sticking out.
“Is that what I think it is?” I gasped.
“It is, bro,” Todd confirmed. “I had it on this whole time, but it makes me look like a total dweeb, so I made it all invisible. I figured our adventure would make an awesome Tuesdays with the Toddster episode, but when we got up here I realized I was thinking small cajones.”
“I think you mean ‘small potatoes,’” Raph corrected.
“Tomato, tomato,” Todd mused without even trying to make them sound different.
A wave of joy shot through my body as I realized what this meant. Even though we had been put through the ringer, even though we were beaten and bruised and all hope had been lost, we still somehow came out on top of this one.
I threw back my head and began to laugh awkwardly.
We did it. Somehow, we had fucking done it.
Chapter 14
Aruna and Ariel helped me back to the Jeep, but stopped me as I tried to climb into the driver’s seat.
“You’re in no condition to drive,” the Rakshasi argued. “I’ll do it. We need to get back to your home as soon as possible. Here, Raph, take over.”
Raphael walked over and placed my arm around his neck as Aruna slid in behind the wheel of Shadow.
“You know,” I chuckled as my friends helped me over to the other side of the car, “when I first met you, there was no way in Hell I ever would have let you drive Shadow. In fact, if I recall correctly, you nearly sent her to the scrap yard during our first encounter.”
“My chakram did a number on her,” the Rakshasi laughed.
“Too bad Brundlefly went and broke your favorite toy,” Todd offered his condolences from the back seat. “That’s a loss you never get over. I still remember when my dog chewed up my Optimus Prime. I’d just watched the movie a few days before, and it was like he’d died all over again. Traumatic shit, bro.”
My friends helped me into the passenger’s seat, and then I clicked my belt in place as they hopped in the back. I fumbled around in my pockets for the keys, and then I tossed them to Aruna.
“It’s not a big deal,” the assassin said with a shrug. “The chakram is just a giant hunk of sharpened metal. I can always get another one. It’s my magic that makes it so … unique.”
The Rakshasi inserted the keys into the ignition, twisted, and brought our Jeep to life.
“You sure you don’t want to sit up here?” I asked Todd as I glanced into the back seat. “There’s a lot more room.”
“And sit on your lap?” Todd scoffed. “I’ve had too many close calls with ‘no homo’ today, thank you very much. Besides, bro, you need your space with your wound and all.”
“It’s not that bad, actually,” I lied. “At least the arrow was made of pure Hellfire, so the wound cauterized instantly. I just can’t walk or put any weight on the damn thing.”
“Surely Superbia can heal you when we get back to Phoenix,” Raphael reassured me.
“As long as the Order of the Exalted don’t get there first,” I warned. “I really, really didn’t like what Beelzebub said as he was leaving. I need to watch the ones I love?”
“It sounds like he’s planning a strike on your home,” Aruna observed. “What do you love more on this Earth than your succubi?”
“Raph,” I grumbled as I shifted in my seat, “can you call everyone back home and give them a heads-up?”
“Of course,” the Archangel explained. “I’ll do that the second I receive a signal.”
“We need to get you healed up, fortify your mansion, and send that video to the prosecution in Heaven,” Eligor spoke up.
“If they’ll even take it at this point,” I noted. “We didn’t exactly leave on the best terms.”
“I’ll send it under one of my aliases,” Todd explained. “After I get it converted to VHS, of course. I really doubt they have anything up there that takes SD cards.”
“Well, shit,” I said as realization sunk in. “You’re probably right. How long will that take?”
“An hour or so, tops,” the imp continued. “But I need all my studio equipment, and that shit is all back at our house.”
“It was very lucky you brought that along, Todd,” Ariel jumped in.
“And to think,” Aruna mused, “we laughed at you for wearing it the first time.”
“All is forgiven,” Todd promised. “This little baby is gonna make me a millionaire. Especially when I start my ‘Look Ma, No Hands’ series of videos.”
“Please tell me there’s not more footage on that card,” I shuddered as I thought about his words.
“I can neither confirm nor deny that, Jakey,” the imp snickered. “I plead the fifth. But, cross my heart and hope to die, the Divine will only get the footage of the Brundlefly fight.”
“Why do you keep calling him that?” Eligor faltered.
“Because he’s the Lord of the Flies,” Todd explained, “and everybody knows the greatest fly story ever told is the Cronenberg movie with Jeff Goldblum. The fucking Brundlefly, Goldilocks. Sheesh.”
“Uh-huh,” Eligor sighed. “Let’s just go home. I feel like I could sleep for a week.”
“You and me both,” I joked, “but unfortunately, I don’t think we have a week.”
“No,” Raphael put forward, “but we might have longer than you think. He may have tried to hide it, but your fight with Beelzebub actually did quite a bit of damage. He’s going to need to lick his wounds before he comes back and tries anything else.”
“If he even comes back,” Eligor noted. “He’s not exactly the kind of demon to get his own hands dirty.”
“I dunno,” Todd shot back, “it looked like he was getting his hands pretty dirty to me. Or at least, as dirty as he would let them get.”
“Did you see how our attacks just bounced off his wings?
” Aruna sighed. “I’ve seen some fairly powerful shields in my day, but nothing like that. He was shaking off Raphael’s Divine magic like it was a splash of water, and he didn’t even flinch at my or Ariel’s blows.”
“Thank fuck he was only trying to kill Jacob,” Todd sighed. “No offense, bro.”
“None taken,” I reassured the imp. “That was strange, though. It’s like he didn’t even notice you guys were there.”
“That’s how the King of the Eighth Circle is,” Raph explained. “He prides himself on efficiency, hence why he didn’t really bother with us. You were his target, so he only exerted effort on trying to kill you.”
“Still,” I admitted, “that was pretty horrific. I’d hate to fight him one-on-one again.”
“You and me both, bro,” Todd exclaimed. “You and me both. I was able to hold him off with the little bit of fu-manchu I know, but it obviously wasn’t enough. Thankfully, I weakened him for ya, or we all woulda been fuuuuucked.”
“Right,” I sighed as I leaned back in my seat.
We still had a long drive ahead of us, and my eyes felt as heavy as bowling balls. I closed my eyes as I tried to process all the shit that had just gone down in the last twenty-four hours, and soon I found myself drifting off to sleep.
“We have arrived,” I heard Aruna’s voice announce from the driver’s seat.
I sat up in the seat and glanced around.
The Jeep was now parked back in the garage, right next to Stella.
“Holy fuck,” I mused as I rubbed my eyes. “Did I sleep the whole way back?”
“Sure did, bro,” Todd explained as he slid out of the vehicle. “You totally missed all the awesome conversations we had.”
“Yes,” Raph added sarcastically as he opened up my door for me. “Todd gave us a brilliant oral history on a man called Stanley Kubrick, and how he helped your government fake the moon landing.”
“There was a coke bottle in one of the frames!” the imp shot back as he scurried through the main door of the mansion. “I’m gonna go edit the shit out of this thing and put it onto a tape. I’ll let you know when it’s all said and done.”
Raphael helped me out of the car, and then the two of us followed Aruna, Eligor, and Ariel back into the house. As I limped into the main room, we found Sia at the table, scribbling notes furiously.
Meanwhile, Liby and Angelo were sitting on the couch watching The Godfather on TV.
“Jacob!” Superbia said with a grin. “You’re back! How did--”
The succubus’ happy expression dropped into a frown when she saw how I was nursing my leg.
“You’re hurt,” she gasped. “Let me help you with that.”
“It was him, Sia,” I grimaced as Raph let me go, and I nearly fell over when I put weight on my injured leg. “It was Beelzebub. He tried to set us up.”
“Beelzebub?” Libidine gulped. “He was there.”
“He was like the fucking killer in a slasher movie,” I explained as Sia summoned golden flames to her hands. “We threw everything plus the kitchen sink at him, and it hardly slowed him down.”
The succubus madame placed her hands against my wounded leg, and it went numb. Then it was filled with a warming sensation that could only be described as soft, comforting pins and needles. Slowly but surely, the wound began to heal itself under the guidance of the golden glow, and then my leg was back to normal.
“Beelzebub is no joke,” Superbia agreed as she stood up and gave me a tender smile. “There, good as new.”
I bent my knee a few times, shifted my weight back and forth between my legs, and then squatted down to make sure it was functioning.
“What, and Azazel wasn’t?” I joked.
“Not at all,” Sia clarified, “but you have to understand, Lucifer awarded the circles to the Demon Kings based on their value to him. The closer the king is to the Prince of Darkness’ domain, the stronger he is. And Beelzebub is in the Circle right next to Lucifer’s.”
“Great,” I sighed. “Of all the Demon Kings to piss off, we get the one that can fuck up our day the easiest.”
“It could be worse,” Libidine suggested. “You could be going up against Lucifer himself.”
“I shudder to even think of that,” Raphael said grimly.
“Wait,” I questioned the black-haired man, “I thought Archangels weren’t afraid of demons?”
“Demons?” Raph answered. “No. Paranormal monsters? No. Demon Kings? No. But Lucifer … he’s something else altogether.”
“Did you find a witness to clear your name?” Sia asked nervously, and I assumed she was trying to change the topic.
“Yes and no,” I explained. “We had a witness, but Beelzebub killed him. But, Todd caught the whole altercation on video. He’s putting it on a VHS tape right now, and then we’re going to send it off to Heaven to prove my innocence. If we can somehow pick up a witness somewhere along the way, all the better.”
“And the Order of the Exalted?” Sia continued. “What happened to them?”
“We wiped out a big chunk of them,” I told the succubus, “but Cancio and about a quarter of the cultists were saved when Beelzebub showed up. They got away with what they thought was damning evidence against me, but they have no idea what’s coming.”
“But we do,” Eligor noted. “We know they’re probably coming here.”
Martatelli flipped around in his chair, stared at us with wide eyes, and began to ramble in Italian.
“You have nothing to worry about, Angelo,” Sia sighed. “You’re a ghost. What’s the worst they can do? Kill you again?”
The spectre grumbled to himself as he turned around and continued to watch his movie.
“The Order of the Exalted is coming here?” Libidine asked with concern.
“I don’t know,” I admitted, “but as he was leaving, Beelzebub warned me to keep a close eye on those I cared about. I’m assuming that means my succubi here on Earth, since he still can’t get to the ones back in the Fourth Circle.”
“So, what do we do?” Liby panicked. “How much time do we have? Do we need to evacuate?”
“Don’t worry about it,” I promised the Sister of Lust. “We’ve kicked their sorry asses before. We can do it again. And this time, we’ll be prepared.”
“I still have that chest of Divine weapons from when we fought Uriel,” Raph added. “That may just come in handy.”
“Chest of weapons?” Eligor asked in an annoyed tone.
“Why didn’t we use them in Cortez?” Aruna demanded.
The Archangel crossed his arms and scoffed.
“Jacob told us to pack light,” he explained. “I didn’t think a box full of grenades, miniguns, and automatic weapons was necessarily ‘light.’”
“That’s in the past,” I scolded as I tried to get tensions to cool down. “No point in worrying about it now. What we do need to worry about is how we’re gonna fortify this place.”
“Surely there’s a spell in one of those old Vatican books?” Sia pondered aloud. “Perhaps one that could enhance your protection spell?”
“What about boobie traps?” Ariel suggested. “I could easily whip up some of those with the stuff you’ve got out in the garage.”
“Ariel,” I smiled as I placed my hands on her slender shoulders, “have I ever told you how much I love having you on our team?”
The redhead blushed and pursed her lips.
“I’m, uh--I’m gonna go get started on those,” she giggled, and then she turned around and headed out toward the garage.
“I’ll go help her with the traps,” Aruna announced. “Plus, I want to see if she can build me a new chakram.”
The Rakshasi dashed off after the angel and disappeared into the other room.
“What about us?” Raph asked. “Surely we can help out in some way.”
“You know best what’s in that box of weaponry,” I told the Archangel. “You and Eligor can go through it, take inventory, and figure out what can be used.”
“Got it,” the dark-haired man agreed. “Come, Eligor.”
The blonde knight just crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow at Raph.
“‘Come, Eligor?’” she scoffed. “Am I a dog?”
“That’s not what I--” Raph began to apologize, but she cut him off with a wave of her hand.
“It’s fine,” she promised. “Let’s go. Time’s a wasting.”
The two other members of the team sauntered out to the garage, and I heard the door slam behind them.
“And then there were three,” Sia said through a toothy grin. “Four if you count Angelo. But he’s little more than a bump on a log right now.”
“Speaking of which,” I asked curiously, “where’s Ira?”
“Politician stuff.” Liby shrugged. “That’s all she would tell us.”
I plopped down on a nearby stool and rubbed my temples in frustration.
We currently had an ominous warning from one of the most powerful Demon Kings in the universe, and we also were public enemy number one in the eyes of the Divine.
Fuck, the only reason we hadn’t been captured so far is because we were reckless enough to come back to the most obvious place we could go on Earth.
Suddenly, I felt the soft touch of a succubus on my shoulders.
“You look tense, Jacob,” Sia offered. “You know what might cheer you up? A beer.”
“Actually, that sounds amazing right now,” I chuckled.
“Here,” the madame continued, “the three of us can go downstairs and grab beverages for everyone. It’s already been a long day, and we’ve got another one ahead of us.”
“That sounds lovely, Sister,” Libidine agreed.
As the three of us walked out of the room, Angelo’s voice called out something in his native tongue.
“He says he wants a diet cola,” Superbia said with a roll of her eyes.
“Good lord,” I chuckled as we made our way through the mansion’s large dining room and toward the basement. “If television would have been around back in his day, we never would have gotten any of those revolutionary inventions.”
