by Eric Vall
The imp cleared his throat loudly and then stuck out his chest.
“By the power of Grayskull … ” the imp said in a deep voice, “I haaavvvveee the powwweerrrrr!”
I looked around and saw we were all still visible.
“Did it work?” I asked the succubi.
Libidine gave a thumbs up in our general direction and smiled.
“Like a charm,” she whispered. “I wouldn’t even know you guys were here.”
Todd whistled to get our attention before he began to lead us toward the garage.
As we passed through the living room, I glanced over and saw the tall blond Archangel peering through the small glass windows engraved into the door. His eyebrows were arched upward into an expression of curiosity as he looked around in hopes of spotting us, but thankfully Todd’s spell was working like a charm.
We reached the threshold of the garage door, and Todd let go of my leg as we dropped hands.
“Whew,” the imp panted. “That’s definitely him alright. But, never fear, the Toddster is here!”
Todd began to make “swishing” sounds with his mouth as he began to spin around in a circle rapidly. As he twirled, his upper body began to bubble and change color until he finally came to a stop. The imp was now wearing the same suit he had worn in the courtroom, and he haughtily adjusted his tie as he made his way toward the entryway.
“Just keep him busy for as long as you can,” I requested. “Whatever it takes to keep his cronies off us for a little bit longer.”
“Got it,” Todd agreed. “If worst comes to worst, I’ll start filibustering with the lore of the Starsky and Hutch universe. I could talk about that for days, bro.”
“Please don’t do that,” Raphael said as he facepalmed. “Please, please don’t let it come to that.”
“Don’t diss the Huggy Bear, bro,” Todd warned as he began to walk away. “That man’s a national treasure.”
“This way,” Ariel hissed as she opened the garage door and motioned for us to follow.
The five of us entered the attached workshop, and then the angel made sure she closed the door slowly behind us. She flipped on the lights of the garage, strutted over to the workbench, and then placed her hands on her hips triumphantly.
On the bench behind Ariel sat a series of metal contraptions. The first one was a long metal chain with a thick cuff at the end.
“Snare trap,” she whispered. “Enchanted with Divine Light. It’ll instantly fry any humans or demons that come in contact with it, but angels? It’s practically harmless for them.”
Aruna walked over beside the angel and picked up a small metal statue. It was only about two feet tall and shaped into the figure of a small, burly man with a beard and a pointed hat.
It was a fucking garden gnome.
“This one is my favorite,” Aruna explained through a hushed whisper. “Ariel had me enchant it with my ectoplasmic magic.”
“It’s motion-activated,” Ariel explained. “So, when somebody gets too close, it’ll spit the sticky ectoplasm out of its mouth and trap them like a mouse on a glue trap. We made like, four of these.”
I glanced down and saw Aruna had a new weapon on her belt.
It was a small, silver metal circle with a golden edge that looked like it had been honed into a sharp point all the way around. There was a small bar through the center of the weapon, perfect for whoever was trying to wield it.
“She make that for you, too?” I whispered with a nod.
“She did,” Aruna purred. “It’s ten times better than the last one I had. You’ve got a real keeper on your hands, Jacob.”
“What about that one?” Eligor whispered as she pointed to the right of the redhead.
Ariel’s eyes grew wide as a smile came up her lips.
“This one?” she asked as she sauntered over to her creation. “This one is the mother lode. I call it ‘leapfrog.’ Basically, it’s a small metal casing that houses a super-bright flash of Divine Light. But here’s the kicker … they only activate when they’re stepped on. We’re going to stick them in the ground outside and essentially create a minefield of these suckers.”
“Excellent work,” I said with a nod. “Gear up and then go get those placed.”
Ariel nodded, and then she and Aruna began to collect up her gadgets. Then they popped open the side door of the garage, peered out cautiously, and made their way to set their traps.
Meanwhile, Raph, Eligor, and I made our way over to the chest full of weapons we kept under lock and key at the far end of the building. It had been popped open by the Archangel earlier, and a vast array of goodies sat out around it.
Off to the right of the chest was an assortment of guns. There was the minigun that had saved our asses back against Uriel, a handful of assault rifles, two shotguns, and a set of revolvers. But the one that caught my attention was the one I had already encountered before, the one Ariel had nabbed for us in Heaven.
The Divine Desert Eagle.
“I’m totally taking that one,” I announced in a hushed voice as I reached down for the pure white holster.
“Are you sure about that?” Raph asked cautiously. “I’m not even sure I could handle that much firepower.”
“I’ll be fine,” I promised. “I probably won’t even need the damn thing. And if I do, it’ll be because it’s an emergency.”
Just off to the right of the gun collection sat a large number of tactical gadgets. Raphael picked up a few grenades and slung them onto his belt, as well as a line of pure golden rope and a pair of white kevlar gloves.
“These will go with my FAMAS quite nicely,” he mused. “Plus, you never know when you’ll need Divine-quality rope.”
“Call me old-fashioned,” Eligor chuckled as she sheathed her two swords, “but I’ve always been a stickler for the melee weapons. If I want to kill somebody from afar, I’ve got more than enough Hellfire magic to do that.”
“You never know when you’ll need a little extra firepower,” I mused. “Here, at least take one of these grenades.”
The knight rolled her eyes, but then she reached down and picked up a bandolier full of impacts.
“Fine,” she sighed, “but only because you asked me nicely.”
Then came the final piece in my armory, my pride and joy. I walked over to a large case on the wall, opened it up, and basked in the glory of my most prized possessions.
Sitting on the shelf was the suit of armor I wore on all my adventures in Hell. It was missing its helmet, but otherwise it was fully intact, with a thick breastplate, shiny silver gauntlets, and boots that came all the way up to my knees.
And then there, right next to the armor, hung the Unhallowed Sword.
Even all these months later, the sword was the most badass weapon I’d ever seen. It was made up of pure black metal, with crossguards that curved upward as if they were the horns of a demon. At the very base of the hilt sat a single, translucent ruby, and it gleamed brightly in the light.
I picked up the pieces of my armor, attached them to my body one-by-one, and then threw the Unhallowed Sword around my waist.
I turned around and saw Raphael’s pure-white SWAT uniform was now covered with weapons and tactical gear, and his flowing black locks were tied up in a man-bun.
Eligor was adjusting her silver, scaly armor on her chest as she tried to find a comfortable way to wear the bandolier between her breasts. The belt on her waist held one of her dual swords on each side, and in between the weapons hung a series of daggers and throwing axes. It was almost like she was wearing the world’s deadliest skirt.
More importantly, my friends and I looked like we were ready for war.
Raphael whistled. “We look like quite the soldiers.”
“We look fucking badass!” Eligor corrected. “Let the Order of the Exalted come. We’ll send them back to Hell where they belong.”
“That’s the spirit,” I chuckled. “Now, should we--”
Before I could finish my thou
ght, there was a loud knock on the garage door.
“Jacob?” Metatron’s voice asked from the other side. “I know you’re in there.”
My hand tightened around the Unhallowed Sword as the three of us went silent. I could feel my pulse slow down into a dull rhythm, and I wondered for a moment if I was even still breathing.
How did he know we were out here? Did he already kill Todd and the succubi? I knew I should have toasted this fucker when I had the chance. He was just like all the other Archangels, a pompous dickhead who did whatever the hell he wanted and waived it off because he was “holy.” I didn’t give a shit any more.
If this fucker hurt my friends, I was going to gut him like a goddamn fish.
“Bro,” Todd’s voice joined in, “it’s me. The Toddster. The Toddfather. Jean-Todd Van Damme.”
I hesitated before I said anything. Was this a trap? Was Todd being forced to say this against his will?
“Jacob, I just want to talk,” Metatron sighed.
“Yeah, bro,” Todd added. “After a long and intense chat involving an absolutely beautiful and moving speech by moi, I got Megatron to come to an agreement with us.”
An agreement? This sounded way too good to be true. The last time I saw this bastard, he was trying to blow me out of the sky.
“Jacob?” Superbia spoke up. “We were able to get you a great deal, but you need to talk to Metatron face-to-face.”
I glanced over at Raph and Eligor, and they both looked unconvinced. Their eyes darted back and forth between my own and each others’, and then they finally nodded in agreement.
Raph stood up straight, slunk over to my position, and leaned in to whisper in my ear.
“I think we should take it,” he murmured. “If they’re offering us an out, then we’d be stupid to not at least hear him out.”
“I’m sure it’s a terrible deal,” I hissed back. “There’s no way we get out of this completely scott free.”
“No,” Raph admitted, “but do we really want to try and fight off the forces of the Divine on top of Beelzebub’s forces? If we talk to Metatron, perhaps he could help us.”
My mind raced with a million possibilities, but eventually I realized the Archangel was right. Even if we somehow escaped, if we somehow defeated Metatron and his forces and then got past the Order of the Exalted, we’d have the entirety of Heaven looking for us.
I really didn’t like those odds.
“Alright, Metatron,” I called out as I summoned green Hellfire into my hands. “I’m coming out.”
“What are you doing?” Raph hissed in horror.
“Going out,” I said with a sly grin. “We’re gonna teleport ourselves into the other room. That way if it’s a trap, we’ll at least have the jump on the bastard.”
I closed my eyes and thought about how frustrating this whole situation is, and about how this fucker was potentially using my friends to lure us into a trap. It disgusted me to the core, and I felt the emerald flames intensify.
Next, I pictured the doorframe on the other side of the entryway, opposite of where the entrance to the garage stood. Then I felt the warm glow of the green fire as it engulfed my body.
I opened up my eyes and saw I was floating a few inches off the ground, completely weightless as I hovered like a spectre. I shot out two beams of jade Hellfire, surrounded my friends with the spell, and transported us to our destination.
Seconds later, I felt my feet land gently on the marble floor of the entryway and saw the figure of Metatron towering over Todd, Liby, and Sia. I drew the Unhallowed Sword from its sheath and held it out threateningly. Then I made a loud throat clearing sound to get the bastard’s attention.
Metatron turned around with a shit-eating grin on his face.
“Very clever, Jacob Ralston,” he chuckled. “However, you won’t need that weapon.”
“Awesome maneuver, bro,” Todd added, “but you totally forgot to say ‘Omae wa mou shindeiru’ when you appeared.”
“Are you being held against your will?” I questioned as I tightened my grip on the Unhallowed Sword. “Todd, blink twice if you are.”
“Broooooo,” the imp whined as he threw back his head. “Now that you told me not to, it’s gonna be the only thing I can think about!”
Libidine took a few steps forward before she placed her hand on the shiny dark blade and gently pushed it down.
“It’s alright, Jacob,” she promised. “He means us no harm.”
My eyes narrowed as I looked over at the smug Archangel, but then I lowered my guard. I let out a deep sigh as I sheathed the Unhallowed Sword and motioned for the group to follow me into the dining room.
I pulled out a chair at the end of the table, plopped down into it dramatically, and then placed my hands together in front of my face. When Metatron entered the room, I locked eyes with the blond man and motioned for him to sit across from me.
Todd, Liby, Sia, Raph, and Eligor pulled up chairs on the sides of the table, and then they sat down in a hushed manner.
“Alright, Metatron,” I demanded as the Archangel took his seat. “What is this deal Todd’s telling me about?”
“We got Dick E. Normis’ e-mail,” Metatron began, but then he was instantly cut off by muffled snickers from Todd. “Does the Defense find something I said humorous?”
Todd was covering his mouth with his tiny, clawed hand, but I could tell he was doing his best not to lose it.
“No, no,” he mumbled. “Please continue.”
“Thank you,” the Archangel grumbled. “We saw the footage, Jacob. We now know Beelzebub and his followers set you up, and that you were telling the truth when you said you were still on our side.”
“Damn straight,” I growled.
A look of disdain spread across Metatron’s face, but then he continued.
“However,” he sighed, “just because you are exonerated from one crime does not mean you’re going to get off completely without consequence. You still broke interdimensional law by traveling to Hell without authorization and taking over as a Demon King.”
“I told you,” I seethed, “I only took over as King of the Fourth Circle so none of the other fuckers down there would. I wanted to use that position of power to do good things and not just let another demon asshole use it as a cruel, sadistic way to channel his anger and hurt innocent people.”
“And for that, the Exalted One applauds you,” Metatron admitted.
I raised an eyebrow at the Archangel’s words. The Exalted One gave me a compliment? I definitely didn’t see that coming.
“So, Jakey’s all good in the eyes of the Alpha and the Omega,” Todd spoke up. “That means he’s not gonna be punished, right?”
“On one condition,” the blond man said as he leaned forward in his chair. “He wants to see if your intentions truly are pure.”
“Meaning?” I sat back and crossed my arms.
“Meaning, you have a deal,” the Archangel muttered. “Despite my better judgement, we will look past any and all of your offenses if you agree to act as our inside man in Lucifer’s domain.”
“So … ”I said somewhat snarkily, “you’re offering me exactly what we asked for in the trial?”
“Please understand things were different then,” Metatron argued. “The evidence we had against you was quite substantial--”
“Yeah,” I erupted as I sat forward and slammed my fist on the table, “your evidence was fabricated, and you guys were too dense to see through it!”
“Easy there, tiger,” Todd warned.
“We’ve got the deal you desired, Jacob,” Sia pleaded. “Please don’t let your anger get in the way of your freedom.”
I took in a deep breath as I tried to calm my frustration.
“Fine,” I sighed. “You’ve got a deal, Metatron. We’ll be your guys on the inside.”
“Excellent!” The Archangel grinned as he clapped his hands together. “I knew you’d make the right decision.”
“How is this going
to work?” I asked curiously. “We have reason to believe Lucifer is watching our every move when we’re down there. Kinda hard to be covert when Big Brother’s watching all the time.”
“Believe it or not, that’s part of the plan,” Metatron admitted. “If Lucifer is constantly watching you, that means we can constantly be watching him.”
The Archangel fumbled in the pocket of his suit for a moment, and then he whipped out a small black-and-gray box. As soon as he sat it down on the table, I knew exactly what it was.
It was an old-school flip phone.
“Is that an LG C3310?” Raphael whistled. “I haven’t seen one of those in a year.”
“Don’t you mean ‘years?’” Todd tried to correct the Archangel, but he simply shook his head.
“No, no,” Raph shot back, “these phones were all the rage a year ago in Heaven. But now we’ve moved on to bigger and better things, like Blackberries and Razors.”
“Will a cell phone even work in Hell?” I chuckled. “I don’t think any networks cover the Fourth Circle.”
“It’s a Divine cell phone,” Metatron explained as he rolled his eyes. “It’s a direct line straight to me. I want you to use it to tell me about your dealings in Hell. Got it?”
“Can do,” I shot back sarcastically. “What’s the worst that could happen? I’m already hated by half of the Demon Kings in Hell anyways. What’s one more risk to add to the pile?”
“I like your attitude,” the Archangel snarked as he leaned forward.
Metatron slid the phone across the table, and I caught it in my hand.
It was ridiculously small compared to the things we had nowadays, but it was also light and compact enough to be discreet. When closed, the phone had a small digital display on the front that indicated the time as well as any missed calls or messages. There was a very tiny iris right above the display, a camera that could be used to snap pictures and video when it was in the “on” position. As I opened up the clamshell, I was greeted by a slew of buttons as well as a small color screen.
“Not gonna lie,” I admitted as I fumbled around with the buttons, “I’m kinda digging the retro aesthetic.”
“If you can,” Metatron continued, “please send us as many photos and videos as possible. That will help us immensely.”
