Remorse sharpened in his chest.
He’d been so lost in his concerns about that man and Eilidh that he hadn’t been paying attention to what he was doing to Regan.
Forced to socialize with her now, it was glaringly obvious that beyond the teasing between her and her sister, Regan had lost her sparkle. She didn’t want to sit around and laugh with them, and that was out of character. Regan was an optimistic, happy person who lit up any room she was in.
Had he dimmed her light with his behavior?
He’d acted like a typical fuck boy, flirting with her for weeks, touching her … and then icing her out. He hadn’t been a dick like that to women even in the arrogance of youth. It was appalling he’d do it now.
Was that why Lewis had clung to Regan so much this past week? He sensed Regan’s unhappiness?
Was his boy worried she didn’t want to be with them anymore?
What if she doesn’t?
Who would want to stick around for a boss who treated her like a mere servant?
If any other man did that to a woman he cared about, he’d have more than a few strong words for him.
The idea of Regan returning to the States made his pulse race with panic. Eilidh and Lewis needed her. Their lives were running so much smoother with her here, and she made them happy. Robyn had mentioned something about an ancestry visa a few weeks back, and it had given him hope perhaps Regan might stay on as their nanny for longer than six months. They were already in month three of her stay, almost halfway through.
A quick look in the TV room told him Regan wasn’t in there with the kids. The downstairs bathroom door was open, and she wasn’t in there either. As he stepped into the kitchen, he bumped into Robyn.
She held up the gift bag that had been lying on the floor.
Bemused, Thane took it and looked inside to see a book-shaped gift inside.
Robyn gave him that stony stare of hers. “Regan’s gift to you.”
He frowned. Why hadn’t she given it to him during the present opening?
“She’s sitting out in the backyard in the cold because she’d rather do that than sit in a room with you,” Robyn said bluntly. “Fix that, please.”
It was a command.
Ashamed of his behavior, he nodded like a scolded schoolboy and made his way to the French doors that led out into the back garden.
And there she was.
Her red hair gleamed gold in the autumn sunlight as she sat on one of Arrochar’s garden chairs, staring out into the woodland behind his sister’s house. Thane noted the protective way Regan sat with her knees drawn to her chest.
Sensing movement behind her, she glanced over her shoulder and tensed.
Only weeks ago she would have turned and given him her glamorous smile and those appealing dimples.
“Fuck,” he muttered under his breath and walked around her to sit down on her chair’s twin. “Hi.”
Regan drew her knees in even tighter. “Hey.” Her eyes dropped to the bag in his hand, and she stiffened.
“Robyn said this is from you to me.”
She tucked her hair behind her ear. “It’s just silly …”
Wanting to put her out of her obvious misery, and also intrigued by what the gift could be, Thane took the object out of the bag. It was thick and soft. Unwrapping it revealed a dark leather journal with an inscription on it. “Loyal Au Mort.”
“I … um … I noticed you have all these loose papers and sticky notes lying around the office, and a lot of them seem to be your thoughts on the same project.” She gestured to the journal as he opened the soft leather binding to reveal the lined paper inside. “It might be better for you to put all your ideas in one place so you don’t lose them.”
It was incredibly considerate, and he felt even more of a shit than before.
“Lachlan told me this is the Adair Clan motto.”
“Loyal Au Mort.” He traced the words embossed on the front. “Faithful unto Death.”
“I like it. It speaks to who you guys are. But … I don’t know.” She shifted uncomfortably again. “It seems stupid now.”
Because she saw him differently now?
Why did that prick his pride more than he liked?
“It’s not stupid,” he replied gruffly, his pulse thundering in his ears. “It’s perfect. Thank you.”
When she wouldn’t meet his gaze, he knew he had to do major damage control, or he was going to mess up things between them for good.
“I’m sorry I’ve been such a bastard to you. You don’t deserve that.”
Regan shrugged and gave him a wide smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “It’s fine.”
She was lying.
Hiding how he’d hurt her.
Not wanting to be vulnerable with him.
And who could bloody blame her?
“Last week, the man my wife cheated on me with suddenly approached me at work,” he shocked himself by blurting out.
Regan’s reaction was physical. Her knees fell away from her chest as if her strings had been cut. “What?”
“No one knows. About any of it. Not even Lachlan.”
Eyes wide, she shook her head. “Thane, I won’t tell anyone.”
He sat back in the chair, the cold air nipping at his cheeks. And it all just spilled out, like he couldn’t contain it any longer. “It was before Eilidh was born. I didn’t suspect a thing. Nothing had changed between us. Not our family dynamic, not our relationship. There had been a rough patch before it. Fran seemed discontent and I couldn’t work out why. But soon enough, I thought something had clicked into place for her because she seemed happier than ever. I just assumed she was finally growing into family life,” he grunted, remembering the brutal wound of discovering the truth. “I wanted to surprise her at work for Valentine’s Day. She had been working late a lot at school, and I thought she deserved a wee break. So I packed a hamper with nibbles and champagne to take to her. Arro was babysitting Lewis.
“The school was near empty when I got there. Her door was open. No one was in the classroom. But I could hear muffled noises coming from within her supply cupboard.”
“Oh, Thane.” Regan dropped her head in sympathy.
He gave her an unhappy smirk. “Opened the door and found her colleague Sean McClintock fucking her up against the shelves.”
Regan squeezed her eyes closed as if she felt his pain. “I’m so sorry.”
“We had the prick and his wife over for goddamn dinner. He’d held my son in his arms. And it turned out for six months, they’d been cheating on us.”
Regan shook her head. “But you forgave her?”
Remembering the months of emotional wreckage Fran had wrought, Thane confessed quietly, “It wasn’t that easy. McClintock took off. Didn’t want to lose his wife, so he left for a school in Moray. I was still trying to figure out what I wanted, and Fran was desperately trying to convince me she loved me.”
“Then why cheat on you?”
“She said it wasn’t about not loving me. It was the thrill. After we had Lewis, she’d felt old. Said she was worried she’d missed out since she’d only ever been with me.”
“What the hell?”
“I know.” Fran’s confession had hurt like hell. True, she was a virgin when they met, and he had been with other girls before her, but few. And never had he thought he’d missed out by settling down with Fran. “But she said the idea of losing me woke her up. That she wanted only me. I was still deciding whether to give her another chance when she told me she was pregnant with Eilidh.”
“Thane?” Regan sat forward on the chair, reaching to grip his wrist as realization dawned on her. “No. I … see you in Eilidh. No way. She’s yours.”
“I know she’s mine.” His heart banged in his chest at the very idea of someone trying to take her from him.
Regan relaxed. “You did a test?”
“No.” He yanked his arm out from under hers. “I don’t need a bloody test. No test needs to tell me what
I already know in my gut. Eilidh is my daughter.”
She seemed to process that, and whatever conclusion she drew made her expression soften to pure tenderness. The tightness in his chest eased, and he had the seductive thought that it might be fantastic to pull her into his arms and bury all his worries and frustration in her.
But he couldn’t.
Not this woman.
“I’m telling you this because McClintock approached, like I said. He was drunk, and Eilidh was the reason he’d come to me. I quickly shut him down, but it put me in a bear of a mood. I’m sorry. You don’t deserve to take the brunt of it.”
Concerned, she sat forward, her elbows to knees. “Did he threaten to take action about this?”
“I’ve worried all week that’s where the conversation was heading, but I think I scared the shit out of him. Haven’t heard from him since.”
“Why now?”
“I don’t know. I don’t care. It’s not happening.”
At his dark tone, Regan gave him a grim nod. “Agreed. I’m glad you scared him off.”
Seeing her reaction, her genuine fondness for his family, made him feel even worse about his treatment of her. “Do you accept my apology, then?”
She cocked her head and her hair spilled down her shoulders, the copper glinting brilliantly in the low afternoon sun. In the shadows, her eyes often looked dark brown, but today their color was a warm, glossy chestnut with red and gold tones to match her hair.
They’d been dull only a short time ago. The light was back.
Thank God.
“I won’t put up with it again. I’m nobody’s punching bag, Thane.”
He winced slightly. “I know that. It won’t happen again. I’m ashamed it even did.”
Her expression softened and then turned quizzical. “Does that mean you weren’t treating me like that because of … the hands on my ass thing?”
Flushing, Thane rubbed the back of his neck. How did he explain this tactfully without hurting her feelings even further? Deciding she deserved his honesty instead of his avoidance, he leaned toward her. “That can’t happen between us, Regan. Ever.”
Her brow puckered. “You’re attracted to me too. I felt it. In more ways than one.”
At her mischievous comment, he threw her a quelling look.
She grinned wickedly and goddamn it, all his blood rushed south.
“Regan,” he warned. “I’m serious. There’s no point in denying that I think you’re beautiful. I’d have to be half dead not to react to you pressed up against me.” He quickly threw the memory out. “But I’m your boss, and you’re too young for me. It could never be anything but sex between us, and that’s not happening.”
Thane waited impatiently for her reaction. She studied him for what seemed like a very long time, and he worried about her being out in this bloody cold garden with no coat. Finally, she threw a glance over her shoulder at the house, then turned to lean into him. Her voice low, husky, heat in those gorgeous eyes, she asked, “Who said it had to be anything serious? We want each other, and we’re both adults. Why can’t we just satisfy those urges without making a big deal out of it?”
The blood was definitely rushing out of his brain because there was a part of him that wanted to give in, to say screw it, and crawl into her bed that night to bury his loneliness inside her.
Shaking his head at the selfish thought, Thane stood, putting distance between them. He clutched the journal in his hand and gestured with it. “Thank you again for the thoughtful gift, Regan. But I’m going to say this one more time: it can’t happen between us. Now either we agree to put it behind us, or we’ll need to reassess your position as the children’s nanny.”
“Thane.” She stood with a huff of anger and tried to reach for him. He pulled away from her and ignored her hurt expression. “I don’t get how you can be so great one minute and then so cold the next.”
“Probably because every time I’m myself with you, you cross the line,” he snapped. She was pushing him to lose control. He wanted to, and he hated himself for it. “I’m trying to be a good man. A good father. I don’t need to make village gossip the truth and turn this into something sordid. For the last time, I’m asking you to act professionally toward me from now on, to treat me as you treated the other fathers who employed you, unless, of course, you get off on harassing older, unavailable men.”
He regretted it as soon as the words left his mouth.
Regan jerked back as if he’d physically hit her, and he clenched the hand not holding her gift to stop himself from reaching for her.
“Message received loud and clear. I’m sorry if my behavior came across as harassment. It won’t happen again.” She strode away from him, her spine stiff, and disappeared inside.
Feeling a burn in his chest, Thane turned his back to the house to gather himself. Trying to be a good man, he’d said. To everyone but her, it would seem.
“Thane!”
Taking a deep breath, he turned to the house to see Mac standing at the French doors. “Regan isn’t feeling well, and Eilidh’s still asleep in the den, so I offered to take Regan home. Just wanted to say bye before I left.”
Thane tried not to react to the news that he’d chased her out of Arro’s house. “Right. Okay, then. Thanks, Mac. And thanks again for the whisky.”
“No problem. Hopefully see you before your birthday, but if I don’t, have a good one.”
“Thanks.” He waved his friend off and braced himself for returning indoors.
He couldn’t look at Robyn, but he could sense her watching him. Judging him, probably. Pondering the many ways she could unman him with her martial arts skills.
And he’d deserve it.
Lewis grew stonily quiet at the news Regan had gone home without them. Eilidh woke up as he put her into the back of the car, and the first person she asked for was Ree-Ree. She cried, reminding him how little she was, when he didn’t produce her nanny (and to be frank, her best friend) immediately.
His daughter thankfully fell back asleep as they made the short drive back to Caelmore. Lewis gave him one-word answers to his questions, so he stopped asking.
The silence gave his thoughts time to wander.
And it suddenly occurred to him he’d confessed Fran’s betrayal to Regan. She was the only person he’d trusted with it. Why? And then why insult her afterward?
He sighed heavily. He was a mess.
Maybe he wasn’t protecting himself from Regan by pushing her away. Maybe he was protecting her.
Sounds like a shitty excuse, a voice that sounded an awful lot like Regan’s said in his head.
As he pulled up to the house, an overwhelming sense of remorse and melancholy filled him at the sight of the lights on in her annex. Thane decided the fact that the woman had him so tied in knots was a sign that he should keep his distance.
Lewis got out of the car before Thane had even taken off his seat belt, and he watched his son stare toward the annex as he walked to their front door. Thane saw to Eilidh, lifting her from her seat. Her little arms circled his neck, and she pressed her cheek to his.
His chest expanded with emotion. “Come on, little love,” he whispered. “Time for bed.”
“Will Ree-Ree be there too?” she whispered sleepily.
He winced. “Regan’s already asleep, Eilidh-Bug. But I’ve got you.”
She snuggled deeper into him, apparently too tired to argue. Thank God.
Flicking one last look in the annex’s direction, Thane decided he’d have to fix things again with Regan. He could be civil and kind and friendly toward her without giving her hope of more.
And there was one surefire way to get the message across without treating her so undeservedly.
16
Regan
“You did what?” Robyn demanded as I tried to get out of her choke hold.
Slapping her arm to let me go, I gasped with relief as she abruptly released. My decision to take her up on an MMA session because m
y Wednesday morning was suddenly free didn’t seem like such a good idea. I growled in irritation. “You are impossibly strong!”
“You okay?” Now she was concerned.
“Fine.” I waved her off before falling backward onto the mat. Splayed like a sea star, I stared up at the private gym’s ceiling.
Robyn stood over me, her hands on her slender hips, one eyebrow raised. “Repeat what you just told me.”
So I did, which was pretty much the entire conversation with Thane in Arro’s backyard the previous weekend, minus what he’d confided about Fran’s affair. That shocking revelation was going to take longer to process. It also made me empathetic toward Thane when all I wanted to do was hate him after what he’d said to me. I didn’t want to judge a dead woman … but how the hell could she cheat on Thane Adair? Was she nuts?
You hate him, remember!
Yes, I hated him. And hurt for him in equal measure. Ugh, it was so complicated.
But Robyn knew none of that, and she wouldn’t ever find out from me. What I’d told her was my suggestion to Thane that we have no-strings-attached sex.
“Are you crazy?”
I had a feeling it was a rhetorical question.
“It just slipped out!”
“That’s like having sex with someone and saying we didn’t mean it, it just slipped in.”
“Ew, Robbie!” I laughed. “It’s not at all the same thing.”
Robyn huffed and kneeled beside me to pull me to sitting. Her brow knit together. “Seriously. Why would you suggest that to Thane?”
“Why not?” I deflected. “You and Lachlan started off with a sex-but-zero-commitment affair.”
“Yeah, but we didn’t even like each other, let alone have feelings for each other.”
“Not true. I know you can’t just have sex with some random.”
My sister considered this and amended. “There were things I liked about him, but there were more things I didn’t like about Lachlan. But I couldn’t deny that I had never wanted to have sex with a guy more in my life. Would I have fallen into bed with him if I had emotional feelings for him, knowing he only wanted sex? No. That’s asking for trouble. As it was, it was horrible thinking I’d fallen in love with him and he didn’t feel the same way. You suggested having sex and zero commitment with a man you actually care about. Why?”
There With You: An Adair Family Novel Page 18
