by Larry Niven
It was easier to be Fixer. Fixer did not hurt. Fixer was not lonely. Fixer did not feel guilt; shame, perhaps, but never guilt.
Fixer doesn’t exist. I am Lawrence Halloran Jr. He closed his eyes and tried to let his breathing sink into a regular rhythm. It was difficult for more reasons than the pain; every time he began to drop off, he would jerk awake again with unreasoning dread. Not of the nightmares, just dread of something.
Intuition. Halloran had always believed in intuition. Or maybe just the trickle of fear from the crew, but he should not be that sensitive, even with fatigue and weakness wearing down his shields. His talent should be weaker, not stronger.
Enough. “My status is that of a complete shit, but my health is important to the mission,” he mumbled sardonically to himself. Sleep was like falling—
—and the others were chasing him again, through the corridors of the creche. Pain shot in under his ribs as he bounded along four-footed, and his tongue lolled dry and grainy. They were all bigger than him, and there were a double handful of them! Bright light stabbed at his eyes as he ran out into the exercise yard, up the tumbled rocks of the pile in the center, gritty ocher sandstone under his hands and feet. Nowhere to run but the highest…
Fear cut through his fatigue as he came erect on the central spire. He was above them! The high-status kits would think he was challenging them!
Squalls of rage confirmed it as the orange-and-spotted tide boiled out of the doorway and into the vast quadrangle of scrub and sand. Tails went rigid, claws raked toward him; he stood and screamed back, but he could hear the quaver in it, and the impulse to grovel and spread his ears was almost irresistible. Hate flowed over him with the scent of burning ginger, varied only by the individual smells of the other children. Rocks flew around him as they poured up the miniature crags; something struck him over one eye. Vision blurred as the nictitating membranes swept down, and blood poured over one. The smell of it was like death, but the others screeched louder as they caught the waft.
Hands and feet gripped him as he slumped down on the hard rock, clawing and yanking hair and lifting, and then he was flying. Instinct rotated his head down, but he was already too stunned to get his hands and feet well under him; he landed sprawling across an edge of sandstone and felt ribs crack. Then the others were on him, mauling, and he curled into a protective ball but two of them had his tail, they were stretching it out and raising rocks in their free hands and crack and crack—
Halloran woke, shuddering and wincing at pain in an organ he did not possess. Several corridors away, Telepath screamed until the ratings dossed near him lost all patience and broke open an arms locker to get a stunner.
* * *
“Dreams? Explain yourself, kshat,” Kfraksha-Admiral growled.
Telepath ventured a nervous lick of his nose, eyes darting around, too genuinely terrified to resent being called the kzin equivalent of a rabbit.
“Nothing. I said nothing of dreams,” he said, then shrieked as the commander’s claws raked along the side of his muzzle.
“You dare to contradict me?”
“I abase mysel—”
“Silence! You distinctly said ‘dreams’ when I asked you to determine the leakage of secret information.”
“Leaks. First Fixer-of-Weapons was leaking. He is strong. He leaks. I run from him but I cannot hide in sleep. Such shame. Now more are leaking. The officers dream of the Ghost Star. Ancestors who died without honor haunt it … their hands reach up to drag us down to nameless rot. One feels it. All feel it—”
“Silence! Silence!” Kfraksha-Admiral roared, striking open-handed. Even then he retained enough control not to use his claws; this thing was the last Telepath in the fleet, after all, even if insanity was reducing its usefulness.
And even such a sorry excuse for a kzin shouldn’t be much harmed by being beaten unconscious.
* * *
“You find time to groom?” Kfraksha-Admiral asked sullenly.
Finagle, Halloran swore inwardly, drawing the Fixer persona more tightly around him. The last sleep-cycle had seen a drastic deterioration in everyone’s grooming, except his memorized projection. The commander’s pelt was not quite matted; it would be a long time before he looked as miserable as Telepath—Finagle alone knew what Telepath looked like now, he seemed to have vanished—but he was definitely scruffy. The entire bridge crew looked peaked, and several were absent, their places taken by younger, less-scarred understudies. Some of those understudies had new bandages, evidence that their superiors’ usefulness had deteriorated to the point where the commander would allow self-promotion. The human’s talent told him the dark cavern of the command deck smelled of fear and throttled rage and bewilderment; the skin crawled down his spine as he sensed it.
Kzinti did not respond well to frustration. They also did not expect answers to rhetorical questions.
Kfraksha-Admiral turned to Chrung-Fleet-Communications Officer. “Summarize.”
“Hero’s Lair still does not report,” that kzin said dully.
That was the first of the troop-transports, going in on a trajectory that would leave them “behind” the cruisers, dreadnoughts, and stingship carriers when the fleet finally made its out-of-ecliptic slingshot approach to Earth. Kfraksha-Admiral had calculated that Earth was probably the softest major human target, and less likely to be alert. Go in undetected, take out major defenses and space-industrial centers, land the surface-troops; the witless hordes of humankind’s fifteen billions would be hostages against counterattack.
If things go well, Halloran thought, easing a delicate tendril into the commander’s consciousness. Murphy rules the kzin, as well as humans. Wearily: When do things ever go well?
—and the long silky grass blew in the dry cool wind, that was infinitely clean and empty. His Sire and the other grown males were grouped around the carcass, replete, lapping at drinks in shallow, beautifully fashioned silver cups. He and the other kits were round-stomached and content, play-sparring lazily, and he lay on his back batting at the bright-winged insect that hovered over his nose, until Sire put a hand on his chest and leaned over to rasp a roughly loving tongue across his ears—
“It is well, it is well,” Kfraksha-Admiral crooned softly, almost inaudibly. Then he came to himself with a start, looking around as heads turned toward him.
Finagle, I set him off on a memory-fugue! Halloran thought, feeling the kzin’s panic and rising anger, the tinge of suspicion beneath that.
“All must admire Kfraksha-Admiral’s strategic sense,” Halloran-Fixer said hastily. “Light losses, for a strategic gain of the size this operation promises.”
Kfraksha-Admiral signed curt assent, turning his attention from the worthless sycophant. Behind Fixer’s mask, Halloran’s human face contorted in a savage grin. Manipulating Kfraksha-Admiral’s subconscious was more fun than haunting the other kzin. Even for a ratcat, he’s a son-of-a … pussy, I suppose. Singleminded, too. Relatively easy to keep from wondering what was causing all this—I wish I knew—and tightly, tightly focus on getting through the next few hours. Closest approach soon.
And it was all so easy. He was unstoppable…
Scabs broke and he tasted the salt of blood. I’m not going to make it. He ground his jaws and felt the loosening teeth wobble in their sockets. Death was a bitterness, no glory in it, only this foul decay. Maybe I shouldn’t make it. I’m too dangerous. His face had been pockmarked with open sores, the last time he looked. Maybe that was how he looked inside.
So easy, sucking the kzinti crews down into a cycle of waking nightmare. As if they were doing it to themselves. Fixer howled laughter from within his soul.
* * *
“I have the information by the throat, but I still do not understand,” Physicist said, staring around wildly. He was making the chiruu-chiruu sounds of kzinti distress. Dealer-With-Very-Small-and-Large was a better translation of his name/title. “I do not understand!”
Most of the bridge equipment was cl
osed down. Ventilation still functioned, internal fields, all based on simple feedback systems. Computers, weapons, communications, all had grown too erratic to trust. A few lasers still linked the functioning units of the fleet.
Outside, the stars shone with jeering brightness. Of the Ghost Star there was no trace; no visible light, no occlusion of the background … and instruments more sophisticated had given out hours ago. Many of the bridge crew still stayed at their posts, but their scent had soured; the steel wtsai knives at their belts attracted fingers like unconscious lures.
“Explain,” Kfraksha-Admiral rasped.
“The values, the records just say that physical law in the shadow-matter realm is unlike kzinti timespace … and there is crossover this close! The effect increases exponentially as we approach the center of mass; we must be within the radius the object occupies in the other continuum. The cosmological constants are varying. Quantum effects. The U/R threshold of quantum probability functions itself is increasing, that is why all electronic equipment becomes unreliable—probability cascades are approaching the macrocosmic level.”
Kfraksha-Admiral’s tail was quivering-rigid, and he panted until thin threads of spittle drooled down from the corners of his mouth.
“Then we shall win! We are nearly at point of closest approach. Our course is purely ballistic. Systems will regain their integrity as we recede from the area of singularity.”
Murphy wins again, Halloran thought wearily, slumping back against the metal wall. His body was shaking, and he felt a warm trickle down one leg. He’s right. The irony of it was enough to make him laugh except that that would have hurt too much. Halloran had done the noble thing. He had put everything into controlling Kfraksha-Admiral, blinding him to the voices of prudence…
And the bleeping ratcat was right after all.
His shields frayed as the human despaired. Frayed more strongly than he had ever felt, even drunk or coming, until he felt/was Kfraksha-Admiral’s ferocious triumph, Physicist’s jumble of shifting equations, Telepath’s hand pressing the ampoule of his last drug capsule against his throat in massive overdose, why have the kzinti disintegrated like this—
Halloran would never have understood it. He lacked the knowledge of physics—the ARM had spent centuries discouraging that—but Physicist was next to him, and the datalink was strong. No kzinti could have understood it; they were simply not introspective enough. Halloran-Fixer knew, with the whole-argument suddenness of revelation; knew as a composite creature that had experienced the inwardness of Kzin and Man together.
The conscious brain is a computer, but one of a very special kind. Not anything like a digital system; that was one reason why true Artificial Intelligence had taken so long to achieve, and had proven so worthless once found. Consciousness does not operate on mathematical algorithms, with their prefixed structures. It is a quantum process, indeterminate in the most literal sense. Thoughts became conscious—decision was taken, will exercised—when the nervous system amplified them past the one-graviton threshold level. So was insight, a direct contact with the paramathematical frame of reality.
They couldn’t know, Halloran realized. Kzinti physics was excellent but their biological sciences primitive by human standards.
And I know what’s driving them crazy, he realized. Telepathy was another threshold effect. Any conscious creature possessed some ability. The Ghost Star was amplifying it to a terrifying level, even as it disabled the computers by turning their off/on synapses to off and on. Humans might be able to endure it; Man is a gregarious species.
Not the kzinti. Not those hard, stoic, isolated killer souls. Forever guarded, forever wary, disgusted by the very thought of such an involuntary sharing … whose only glimpse of telepathy was creatures like Telepath. Utter horror, to feel the boundaries of their personalities fraying, merging, becoming not-self.
Halloran knew what he had to do. It’s the right thing. Fixer-of-Weapons stirred exultantly in his tomb of flesh. Die like a Hero! he battle-screeched.
Letting go was like thinning out, like dying, like being free for the first time in all his life. Halloran’s awareness flared out, free of the constraints of distance, touching lightly at the raw newly-forged connections between thousands of minds in the Ghost Sun’s grip. I get to be omnipotent just before the end, he thought in some distant corner. To his involuntary audience: MEET EACH OTHER.
The shock of the steel was almost irrelevant, the reflex that wrenched him around to face Telepath automatic. Undeceived at last, the kzin’s drug-dilated eyes met the human’s. Halloran slumped forward, opening his mouth, but there was no sound or breath as
—he—
“Get out of my dreams!”
—the human—
—fell—
—released—
“Shit,” Halloran murmured. His heels drummed on the deck. Mom.
* * *
The roar from Colonel Buford Early’s office was enough to bring his aide-de-camp’s head through the door. One glance at his Earther superior was enough to send it back through the hatch.
Early swore again, more quietly but with a scatological invention that showed both his inventiveness and his age; it had been many generations since some of those Anglo-Saxon monosyllables had been in common use.
Then he played the audio again, without correction, but listening carefully for the rhythm of the phrasing under the accent imposed by a vocal system and palate very unlike that of Homo sapiens sapiens.
“—so you see”—it sounded more like zo uru t’zee—“it’s not really relevant whether I’m Halloran or whether he’s dead and I’m a kzinti with delusions. Halloran’s … memories were more used to having an alien in his head than Telepath’s were, poor bleeping bastard. The Fleet won’t be giving you any trouble, the few that are still alive will be pretty thoroughly insane.
“On the other hand,” the harsh nonhuman voice continued, “remembering what happened to Fixer I really don’t think it would be all that advisable to come back. And you know what? I’ve decided that I really don’t owe any of you that much. Died for the cause already, haven’t I?”
A rasping sound, something between a growl and a purr: kzinti laughter. “I’m seeing a lot of things more clearly now. Amazing what a different set of nerves and hormones can do. My talent’s almost as strong now as it was … before, and I’ve got a lot less in the way of inhibitions. It’s the Patriarchy that ought to be worried, but of course they’ll never know.”
Then a hesitation: “Tell my Sire … tell Dad I died a Hero, would you, Colonel?”
EPILOGUE
The kzin finished grooming his pelt to a lustrous shine before he followed Medical-Technician to the deepsleep chamber of the Swift Hunter courier Flashing Claws. His face was expressionless as the cover lowered above him, and then his ears wrinkled with glee; there would be nobody to see until they arrived in the Alpha Centauri system a decade from now.
The Patriarchy had never had a Telepath who earned a full name before.
Too risky! Telepath wailed.
Kshat, Fixer thought with contempt.
Shut up both of you, Halloran replied. Or I’ll start thinking about salads again. All of them understood the grin that showed his/their fangs.
The Patriarchy had never had one like Halloran before, either.
