by Alex Dyson
It was up to 112,438. That was a lot of people. Or maybe it was just a handful of people who had listened a whole lot of times. Some social outcasts who sit by themselves in a corner constantly streaming music, thought Caleb, as he sat by himself in a corner streaming music. Just as he was about to check how many plays ‘Ella’ had on YouTube Music, a shadow fell over him. He looked up.
‘Here you are.’
Caleb’s first thought was that the bodily responses that occur in the presence of a girl you like are truly incredible. It’s literally just light bouncing off a face and entering the eyeballs, but the information transported to the brain produces a ridiculous number of outcomes. The chest tightens as if wrapped by an anaconda. The heart beats faster, pumping blood like a fire hose. The palms start to sweat when, really, the opposite should happen, since all you want to do is hold hands. The kicker, though, is that all of these things happen at once. As if the responsible adult that usually sits at the brain’s control centre turns their back, and a wild toddler starts mashing the buttons.
‘What are you doing?’ said Ella Westlake.
‘Um, nothing,’ said Caleb, locking his phone. He stood up to meet her gaze, brushing the bark off his school shorts.
‘You didn’t text me,’ she said.
‘Oh, um … yeah. Sorry. I was thinking about it, but … yeah, I should have.’
Ella shrugged. Caleb’s body pulsed as they stood in awkward silence. Caleb had to fill it. ‘How’s your day been?’
‘Okay. Just had double French. Blergh.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘What?’
‘In French? Blergh, was it?’
She laughed. ‘No, I just meant it was crap.’
Idiot.
‘Oh, ha, yeah. Sorry.’
Silence again. It was still super-surreal talking to Ella. It was weird seeing her by herself, too. She was usually surrounded by a group of friends at lunchtime.
‘So … I was thinking if you’re not up to anything after school, we could walk home together. Y’know, have a chat?’ she said. ‘Our houses are in the same direction, aren’t they? Unless you’ve moved?’
‘No. I haven’t moved,’ he managed to say.
‘Cool.’
They looked at each other for what seemed like an eternity.
‘So … is that a yes?’ Ella finally said.
‘Yes! Yes. I mean … sure.’ Caleb looked around to make sure this wasn’t some sort of prank, with a group of people nearby ready to laugh at him. But there didn’t seem to be anyone else. It was just Ella and her symmetrical face smiling at him.
‘Great. Meet you at the lockers after school?’
‘Okay.’
She walked away, leaving Caleb standing there with his body frozen but his insides firing on all cylinders. There was no chance he’d be concentrating during the final two classes.
After Biology and some other class he couldn’t remember the name of, Caleb found himself back in the year ten locker room, looking around nervously as Ella beckoned him over.
His heart was pounding. He could tell people were watching. By this stage, word had travelled around that the weird kid had written a song about the most popular girl in their grade, and that the song was getting played on the radio. Needless to say, seeing them together was kind of big news.
‘I’ll just grab my bag,’ Ella said, reaching into her shirt pocket and pulling out a solitary silver key.
‘Is that all you’ve got? One key?’ Caleb asked as she started piling books from her locker into her bag.
‘Yep.’
‘You should put a ring on it.’
Ella turned and looked at him.
‘Like, a key ring!’ he quickly clarified. ‘Not anything else.’
‘Oh. I thought that was smooth,’ she said.
Dammit.
Ella shut her locker. ‘Shall we go?’
‘Sure.’
With all eyes on them, they left the confines of the locker room. Caleb’s sympathetic nervous system tightened its belt.
It was going to be a long shift.
‘So, um – seen any good movies lately?’
It was a stupid question, but Caleb was desperate. It had been a dismally quiet walk so far. Or was he talking too much? Caleb didn’t know anything anymore. And despite being in some ways the happiest person in the world, he was also furious with himself for being so extremely panicked.
‘Um.’ She bit her lip as she looked skywards. Caleb thought it was heaven. ‘Actually, I watched Happily Ever Grafter the other day.’
‘Cool. What’s that about?’
‘Well, it’s where a girl gets burns to, like, ninety-seven per cent of her body, so she gets a full body skin graft from this other girl who died of an aneurysm, I think, but because it’s the whole body, the new girl looks just like the old girl, so then the dead girl’s boyfriend starts falling in love with the new girl.’
‘Woah.’ Caleb was astounded. Netflix really was green-lighting anything these days.
‘Yeah, it was super romantic,’ Ella added.
Caleb wasn’t sure he agreed, but he made a mental note to watch it so he would have something to talk about with Ella another time. It was at that moment that his brain thought of a joke, and for some reason his mouth decided to say it. ‘It definitely sounds skinteresting.’
‘Yeah, it was.’
Well, there you have it. Ella seemed to have missed his joke completely. Or – even worse – she didn’t. Caleb chuckled meekly before succumbing to silence once more. It lasted a minute before Ella broke –
‘So, do you like me or hate me?’ she blurted.
‘What?’
‘Do you like me, or hate me? I only ask because on one hand, you seem to have put out a pretty blatant love song about me, but on the other hand, you haven’t talked to me for four years, so …’
Caleb was speechless. He’d had a feeling they were going to talk about this, but he hadn’t realised Ella would jump straight in the deep end.
‘No … I don’t hate you. I mean – I came to Riverview because of you.’
‘Are you serious?’ said Ella, her voice strangely high. ‘You had a funny way of showing that by completely ignoring me.’
‘Well – you had a funny way of showing it too, by running off with Esther on our first day!’
Ella raised her eyebrows, and Caleb immediately regretted his outburst. The memory of her walking away with her new, cooler friends – and the feeling of isolation at being left behind – was still strong.
He took a breath. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean that.’
Ella made an annoyed sound. ‘So that’s it? You stopped speaking to me because I made friends and you didn’t?’
‘No. I mean, partly.’
‘Then what is it, Caleb?’
Caleb stopped. Ella stood on the footpath looking at him.
‘Can we sit down?’
Ella nodded. And so they sat on a low fence. Caleb took a deep breath and sweat immediately started to pour out of him, as if he’d been on a worksite all day digging a gargantuan trench in thick soil. Which wasn’t too far from the truth, given the depths at which Caleb had buried the memory he was about to unearth. But he needed to. Ella was looking into his eyes.
And so Caleb did it.
He finally told Ella what had happened on their first day of high school.
The day he was sitting with her, excited about their new adventure. The day Esther came over and introduced herself. Told Ella she liked her hair. Told her they should be friends. Whisked her away without as much as a ‘hello’ to Caleb. And Ella followed her without turning back.
Present-day Ella started to say something, but seemed to stop herself when she saw the look on Caleb’s face. The tears that were in his eyes as he described what happened next.
How he was sitting there, alone, when a group of older boys came up. Welcomed him to the school. Said they’d give him a tour. Coaxed him away with the prom
ise of friendship. Told him about the library. Described the gym. Offered to show him the school’s showers. They were made of gold, apparently. Caleb was intrigued. More importantly, he was alone. And so, being young, naive and stupid – and, most importantly, without anyone else to hang out with – he followed them.
And instead of being his friends, they locked him in a toilet cubicle.
Refused to let him out.
And then, all together, laughing, they poured drink bottles filled with their piss on him.
The Riverview Golden Shower.
Ella’s eyes were wide as Caleb finished his story. He kept his head down. The shame of the experience still resonated deep inside.
‘Oh my god,’ was all Ella managed to say.
‘So that’s it,’ Caleb said with a sniff. He looked down at his hands. They were shaking.
‘Why did you wait so long to say anything?’ Ella said eventually.
Caleb shrugged.
‘You should have said something. You could have told me. We were friends.’
Caleb felt silly. Of course he knew he should have spoken to her sooner. But he hadn’t. He wished the incident had never happened. And the closest thing he could get to that was no-one knowing it had happened. And so he’d put his earbuds in and decided to deal with it himself – the same way he’d dealt with everything.
‘I could have helped,’ Ella added.
Caleb didn’t feel like being interrogated. But it was something that had to happen.
‘I dunno why I didn’t say something back then,’ he said. ‘I was angry with you, and I was ashamed, and I figured if you wanted to know you would have made an effort to talk to me.’
Ella looked pensive. ‘I still remember the daggers you gave me that day. I had no idea what I’d done. You disappeared – I couldn’t find you.’
‘Yeah, I sat there for ages … the janitor let me out later that night.’
‘Jesus, Caleb.’ Ella put her hand on his leg. ‘It’s just so heavy. I mean, I thought the Riverview Golden Shower was a myth. Like, I didn’t think it’d ever actually happened to anyone.’
Caleb shrugged.
‘But it’s okay now. You’re okay. We’re talking now, aren’t we?’
Caleb nodded. He was spent. Ella was still looking at him. Her face was close to his. He thought she’d recoil when she found out what had happened. How he was stained. But she was there. Right next to him.
‘Caleb, I –’
BVVVVVVP. BVVVVVP. BVVVVVVP.
Caleb’s phone was ringing. His immediate thought was NOT NOW. He internally cursed Miralee Kahn for finding a way to ruin another moment, but stopped when he realised it wasn’t her. Instead, JAI – TRANSATLANTIC appeared on the screen.
‘Sorry, it’s my label. I’d better take it.’
‘Label?’
She sounded impressed. Caleb sort of liked it.
‘Yeah, just one second … hello?’
‘Hey mate, how’s it going?’
I’m emotionally and physically exhausted, Caleb thought.
‘Good,’ he said.
‘Great! Listen, I’ve booked you a studio space for this weekend for a full run-through of your set for the Phresh Finds gig on Thursday week. Just giving you a heads-up so you can think about your set-up. I’ll let Rach know the address so she can bring you over.’
Caleb had tried his best not to think about his upcoming gig. There was too much going on. But right now, he was too tired to argue and too close to Ella to say he was too nervous to perform. And so he just said, ‘Okay.’
‘Great. See you Saturday!’
Jai hung up. Caleb stuck the phone back in his pocket and turned to Ella. ‘Sorry about that.’
‘That’s okay.’ Her hand was still on his leg. ‘What did your label want?’
‘Not much. Just … I’m playing a show for Phresh FM next week. It’s, like, a few up-and-coming artists, apparently. He booked me a rehearsal studio for the weekend so I can practise.’
‘That’s so cool!’ The enthusiasm in Ella’s voice warmed Caleb. It broke through the sombre fog that had hung over their interaction since he’d confessed everything. Gave him something he hadn’t had in a long time: hope. So he decided to shoot his shot.
‘You could come? If you wanted? It’s next Thursday night. It’s okay if you’re busy, I mean, I probably won’t be that good. And I don’t have heaps of songs, so it could be –’
‘Caleb.’
Caleb stopped rambling.
‘I’ll come.’
The corner of Caleb’s lips turned up ever so slightly in what could be described by someone observing the phenomenon as the very beginning of a smile.
‘I’d better go now. But text me?’
Caleb nodded.
There was no chance of that not happening.
CHAPTER 18
By the time Saturday came around, Caleb had fulfilled Ella’s request of texting her a total of 118 times.
He started off slow, with each of her replies being carefully read and re-read before he composed a response. But after twenty or so messages, it became easier – almost natural.
It helped that they didn’t really talk about serious stuff. Caleb didn’t know whether Ella deliberately avoided mentioning what he’d told her, but he appreciated it nonetheless. He wanted to put it behind him. Instead, they talked about what they were doing. What they were watching. What they were eating. It was nice. They saw each other at school too, but only shared small, knowing smiles. Caleb understood. Despite their recent reconnection, they still existed in completely opposite social circles at school, the walls of which didn’t need to be breached straight away. Anyway, it gave him time to focus on his set for the gig.
He zipped up his laptop case on his desk. He and Rachel would be leaving soon to meet Jai at 303 Studio.
Caleb’s phone buzzed. Another text from Ella?
Oh no, wait – this one was from Miralee. Her texts had slowed to a trickle after a fast start to the week.
Are you up to anything this weekend?
Caleb locked his phone and put it in his pocket. There was certainly some guilt associated with ignoring Miralee, since she was obviously upset, but Caleb didn’t really have time to attend to that particular loose thread in his life right now. For one, he was still angry with her, and two, all of his texting energy was being spent on Ella.
There was a knock on his bedroom door.
‘Ready to go?’
Caleb stood up, ready to head to rehearsal, but it wasn’t Rachel who poked her head in.
It was his mum. She was holding flowers again.
‘Wait, to where?’ Caleb said, despite knowing exactly where his mum meant.
‘To visit your father.’
Caleb gritted his teeth. He vaguely recalled an absentminded agreement to accompany her to the cemetery ‘sometime’, but certainly not today.
‘Mum, I … can’t.’
‘Caleb, you said you’d come with me –’
‘I’ve got to rehearse, Mum! I’ve got a show this week. For Phresh FM.’ His mum looked downcast.
‘It will take fifteen minutes, Caleb. Surely you can rehearse afterwards? Music will still be there later.’
Caleb accidentally laughed. Not much – it was just a single soft, breathy snort – but it prompted his mum to ask, ‘What’s funny?’
‘No, nothing,’ Caleb said.
‘Caleb, what is it?’
‘It’s just … Dad will still be there later too.’
He took no pleasure in saying it. He wasn’t Nat. But it was the truth. A truth that his mother seemed to have a lot of trouble accepting.
Rachel stuck her head in the doorway.
‘I don’t know what’s gotten into you kids lately,’ Monica muttered, before walking out the front door.
Rachel stared at Caleb. ‘What happened?’
‘Just Mum,’ Caleb replied.
Rachel seem to understand. ‘Right. Well. Anyway. Ready to go? You
can drive if you want.’
Caleb wasn’t in the mood for that. Like, at all.
‘Nah. Let’s just go.’
‘You okay?’ Caleb’s sister asked as they gazed out the windscreen.
Caleb felt the same way he had since his song debuted last week. It was the same feeling Rachel’s cracked windscreen would no doubt have, if windscreens could have feelings. Like he’d been hit in the chest with a flying double bass.
‘I dunno,’ Caleb replied. ‘There’s a lot going on.’
‘With Miralee?’ Rachel asked.
‘No … with Ella.’
‘Oh wow. What’s happening with her?’
Caleb just shrugged. ‘What’s happening with you and Jai?’
‘What? Nothing! We’ve just been chatting a lot because of everything that’s going on with you …’ Caleb raised his eyebrows. ‘And I guess that night there was some flirting or whatever. But it’s nothing really, just, you know, he’s nice and …’ She took a breath. ‘And he’s doing a lot for you. I mean, for us.’
Caleb could tell Rachel was slightly panicked, so he didn’t mention that he’d seen the kiss. Instead, he merely maintained his bobblehead nod as Rachel drove. The only sound from that point forward was the Google Maps voice giving them directions.
Jai smiled as they walked into 303 Studio’s reception. ‘Ayyyye.’ He went to Rachael first, giving her a peck on the cheek. She accepted it graciously, but looked sheepishly at Caleb as he pulled away.
Jai held out a hand towards Caleb, who juggled his laptop and gear in order to shake it. ‘How are ya, mate? Ready to make some magic?’ Jai asked, slapping him on the back.
‘I guess?’ said Caleb.
‘Isn’t this the place where Fusion Unlimited recorded their last album?’ Rachel asked.
‘No, almost,’ said Jai, patting Rachel on her blue head. ‘It’s where they did their second album, but that was two years ago. They’ve had another one out since then.’
‘Oh. Okay,’ mumbled Rachel.
‘What other bands have worked here?’ asked Caleb.
‘Oh jeez, heaps over the years. People like Fire Sway, Cheap Seats, Gallbladder Collective –’
