TOP VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE LOGIC GUY’S CHANNEL: Golden Retriever gets OWNED for Violating NAP; Monkey Bars, Kangaroo Court! My Unlawful Ejection from the Playground; LapBand Rants: Sarkeesian Destroyed; SJW Doctors Botch Logic Guy’s Gastric Bypass RIP Tribute Video
OLIGARCH MONOPOLY MAN
These are the guys who actually stand to benefit from all the atavistic racism, mindless resentment, and puerile spectacle commodified and propagated by the other people on this list. Every time an alt-right grifter Persicopes himself owning SJW college students or Fox News reports that the United Nations is using your tax dollars to breed a new type of SuperMuslim or your uncle ruins Thanksgiving dinner by shooting your biracial cousin with a crossbow, Oligarch Monopoly Man gets a percentage point knocked off his tax liability. He’s a man of absurd wealth, likely gained through the hard work of his Nazi-collaborating father or slave-trading great-grandfather, and he wants to keep it. All of it. His plan for doing so involves sprinkling dark money over every perverse reactionary media project and politician he can find while he cosplays as a salt-of-the-earth cowboy who definitely knows how to ride a horse.
As America sinks further into mutual acrimony and paranoia, Oligarch Monopoly Man stacks that cash. Teen blood transfusions, cryochambers, and mech suits don’t come cheap, and it costs a lot of money to build a perfect replica of the set of the Jean-Claude Van Damme film Hard Target to be stocked with the most dangerous game of all: man. But the most important reason it’s worth destroying the earth to hold on to your precious lucre is as simple as it is expensive: immortality. Most Oligarch Monopoly Men achieve immortality the old-fashioned way: by leaving a vast financial empire to their half-wit children, who promptly contract syphilis and blow the whole fortune on prosthetic dicks.
IDEOLOGICAL NONCONFORMITY: Family built oil pipelines and infrastructure for Hitler and Stalin
PERCENTAGE OF AMERICA’S WEALTH CURRENTLY BEING HOARDED: 20 to 30
RIGHT-WING THINK TANKS AND MAGAZINES CURRENTLY FUNDING: All of them
NEOCON CUCK
The first examples of these organisms showed up in their Ivy/sub-Ivy institutions as young Trotskyist tadpoles, their heads filled with the worst affectations of upper-middle-class intellectuals. But upon entering Leo Strauss’s University of Chicago, each and every one mutated into a large, disgusting frog whose genetic purpose was to remake the world. These bowling-pin-shaped jackoffs matriculated into the departments of state and defense and declared themselves to be Russia experts as part of a Ford-era intelligence shop called Team Beta, which analyzed Russia and came up with reasons to arm what would eventually become Al Qaeda. After some mysterious violent group these guys had nothing to do with brought down the Twin Towers, these sons-of-CIA-funded-academics had a golden opportunity to utilize the nativist rage and bloodlust of bumpkins and middle-class authoritarians alike to kick off the virtuous wars the philosopher kings had wanted for years. The Neocon Cucks helped us dive dick first into Afghanistan and Iraq.
Trump was the best thing that ever could have happened to them. He lacks the veneer of propriety these sleazes need to remain friends with equally repellent liberal elites. As a result, many Neocon Cucks have been heralded as valorous, patriotic conservatives, welcomed into the #Resistance, and rewarded with cushy gigs as op-ed columnists in “respectable” liberal media outlets. It doesn’t matter that they stoked the same racist impulses Trump did to get their wars. The fact that they want the same norms is enough for people.
GREATEST ASSET: Being the nephew of someone important
WORK HISTORY: Opening letters for Father, answering phones for Daddy, showing Papa how to use the computer, editing articles for the Old Man after dementia slows the old workhorse down, defending the Captain after his seminal piece “The Problem with Negroes” becomes public knowledge again, serving as editor in chief of Commentary and/or the Weekly Standard
LIBERTY BABE
She’s conservative, she’s traditional—and she’s hot! Awoooga! It’s Liberty Babe—a conservative media personality who appeals to an audience of mostly Social Security–age men hungry for books that reinforce their cosseted worldview and whose jackets give their lonely trouser worms a jolt of life. After her bestselling screeds Betrayed, Mugged, and Defiled, her latest release, Gangbanged: How Weak RINOs and the Looney Left Are Spit-Roasting America, is lighting up the Daily Caller comments section.
She’s a lady, but she also watches football, drinks bourbon, and can field-dress a buck. She may not write her own books, but Liberty Babe will passionately defend their ideas against the limp-wristed liberal pajama boys Fox News keeps refrigerated in the greenroom. Also, sorry, haters: she doesn’t have time for turncoat colleagues who’ve sullied the memory of Chairman Roger Ailes and accused him of depraved sexual abuse—she knows doing a twirl for a lecherous eighty-year-old hemophiliac while he bleeds through his pants is simply the price of entry into the boys’ club. But just in case public sentiment does turn against the Fox conglomerate, she’s got her own show—Muzzle Flash—on the NRA’s digital-only channel. Each episode features her shooting a liberal in the back of the head and lighting his body on fire while the sprinkler system goes off, getting everyone’s tops a little moist as Liberty Babe goes off on a viral pro-gun rant. She signs off by shooting another liberal in the head and making out with his widow.
CATCHPHRASES: “Gentlemen prefer guns,” “Greenhouse gases get me hot”
UPCOMING BOOK: Dirty Sanchez: The Left’s Plan to Turn America Gay and Mexican
DAUGHTER DEFENDER
It’s no secret that the American institution of fatherhood is under attack from activist family-court judges, sex perverts, and ISIS-style immigrants. While most allow this institution to shrivel away like so many manhoods, there are a few brave vanguards in the American suburbs who act as Knights Templar to fellow dads. They prefer garish clothing replete with shiny angel wings and words like “LOYALTY,” but their most holy garments are shirts that outline rules for dating their daughters. Yes, these men oppose foreign appeasement and gender tyranny, but their biggest fear is the sexuality of their baby girls. The Daughter Defender’s every moment is spent fantasizing about a murky sicko (be they terrorist, Black Lives Matter thug, or boy in the wrong type of bucket hat) harming his daughter, allowing him to put his weekend martial arts training into practice. We can safely surmise that, for all the Daughter Defender’s outward masculinity, this brick of unreleased rage and violence wishes he were his daughter.
Rules for Dating the Daughter
* * *
1. Get a job
2. Pull up your pants
3. Realize I’m watching you
4. You kiss her, I kiss you
5. Have her at my front door at 9:00, be in my toolshed at 9:30
6. Take pictures of your muscles and send them to me
7. Know that you are sexting both of us
8. Know that I’m a former high school wrestling coach
9. I don’t mind going back to jail (for child pornography)
10. It may be her first time, but it’s not mine
CITIZEN KEK
A few hundred years ago, the socially dislocated middle-class male could ship off to one of his nation’s colonies and transform from virginal caterpillar to steely-eyed butterfly after successfully killing another man. With more and more fucked-up, isolated young men in the middle class but fewer colonies to send them to, the options for these people are dwindling. Sure, there’s ISIS, but in the West, we have something else. No, it’s not our military—the military is where you go if you really need a communications degree and you’ve accepted the risk of dying and killing for it. Besides, you have to run and spend time away from your computer. For those who are truly dissociated from modern life, there is the alt-right.
Citizen Kek is inspired by great heroes of Christendom like Charles Martel, Constantine, Christopher Nolan’s Batman, and the Doom Marine. Like his ISIS equivalent, he’s repulsed by the pluralism, sexuality, and a
lienation of modern life. However, unlike his heathen counterpart, his ideology is centered on “saving the West.” His sworn enemies are, in total: Islam, the Left, liberals, cereal companies, the video-game industry, and women with short hair. Brought into the fold of neofascism through some combination of thwarted pickup artist ambition, being banned from a video-game forum, and Mom dating Steve again, Citizen Kek now loves doing ironic metacomedy about how the Holocaust was good because, to him, “the strong” exterminating useless, subhuman people is extra ironic. In addition to his extremely funny admiration for Hitler, Citizen Kek is obsessed with declining white birth rates in the West and finding a way he can fight back against this trend.
TOP ALT-RIGHT TWITTER HANDLES: NeoReactionary Grimace, HemorrhoidalSaxon, Reinhard Drydick
TOP ALT-RIGHT HASHTAGS: #DeusVult, #whitegenocide, #cuckmom, #muhallowance, #incelrebellion
TRADCATH WEIRDO
A relatively new subset of religious hysteric, the TradCath Weirdo is a blazer-clad nebbish who imagines himself to be a craggy but lovable character in a Kingsley Amis or P. G. Wodehouse novel—and cosplays to match. The result is a lot of tweed jackets, pipes, and upsetting facial hair with none of the good humor or charm that usually accompanies them. It’s normal for reactionaries to rage against the modern world, but it’s not as commonplace to encounter the esoteric affectations and Pitchfork.com-like criticisms that the TradCath Weirdo will expound through Scotch Egg breath. Imagine a Wes Anderson character but with the cool New Order song accompanying their entrance replaced by a Gregorian chant they self-flagellate to for forty-five minutes after seeing a particularly raunchy 2 Broke Girls subway ad.
Unlike many of his brethren on the Right, the TradCath Weirdo will often seek to distinguish himself by correctly identifying the horrors of capitalism. Unfortunately, his prescriptions for these problems are to bring back Latin mass and purge skirts with above-the-knee hemlines from network TV. Instead of directing his ire toward financial capital or duplicitous public servants, his psychic energy churns with Lovecraftian disgust and horror at childless couples. In fact, the TradCath Weirdo is so obsessed with fecundity and nonprocreating marriages that he represents the only type of contemporary white person that actively hates dogs.
TWEE AFFECTATIONS: Walking stick, cane, shillelagh, sitting stick, sleeping staff, shower cane
TIGHTEST FIT: Blazer made entirely of elbow patches, sleeveless cardigan vest made of badger hair, quadruple-pleated trousers, Gucci flip-flops
OVER/UNDER ON TIME BEFORE NEXT RELIGIOUS CONVERSION EXPERIENCE: Six months
MEE-MAW AND PEP-PEP
We hesitate to generalize our audience, much less all Americans, but this is literally your grandparents. They come from an era when people had the common decency to say “Sir,” “Ma’am,” and “Boy, that’s not the water fountain you’re supposed to use.” Somewhere along the line, some member of your family fucked up and showed them how to use the computer. After that, Mee-Maw and Pep-Pep were no longer limited to Fox News’s daytime hit Skirts and Suits: Heartland Headlines; they became privy to thousands of websites and chain e-mails, all racing through Pep-Pep’s dementia to see which one implodes his brain before the light finally goes out. When you go to their house, Mee-Maw and Pep-Pep have copies of books like Mosquerade: How Your Kids’ Magnet School Became a Madrassa by Liberty Babe Tresta Kranberry on their shelves. Their eyes seem to imply that they’ve already run through their brain’s allotment of deathbed DMT.
Despite the fact that their spines are shaped like ampersands and every moment loosens their grasp on reality, Mee-Maw and Pep-Pep always vote. They vote more than anyone you’ve ever known. Wonder how we now have three hundred congresspeople who ran on ending the Muslim Brotherhood infiltration of Panera Bread? Look at Mee-Maw and Pep-Pep hobbling down to the polling place rain, sleet, or shine.
MOST RECENT FORWARDED CHAIN E-MAILS: “West Indian homecare nurse stealing from me!” “UN Agenda 21 Seizing Rascal Scooters,” “Bill Cosby Tells It Like It Is!” “Bible Code Revealed: Winning Bingo Numbers”
LAST CONSCIOUS THOUGHTS BEFORE DEATH: When will my Sean Hannity commemorative coins arrive?
ACTUAL VAMPIRE
Right-wingers continue to lionize decades and even centuries past—but how many of them actually lived through those times?
The conservative movement is filled with boys who look like old men and old men who look like condoms packed with oatmeal, but astride them all are a proud few creatures of the night who technically died before the Reformation but show no signs of wear and tear. Legend has it that vampires first appeared in early-fifteenth-century Romania when a nobleman investigating Turkish “no-go zones” in the countryside attempted to use alchemy in order to protect himself from knockout gangs loyal to Mehmed I. Unfortunately for him (but fortunately for all lovers of debate and intellect), the nobleman was transformed into a horrible creature that could never die. This impossibly old and wicked monster came from a time before safe spaces and will probably use his hypnotic powers to get you to kill a family member, as that’s the only kind of thing that entertains him anymore.
The Actual Vampire is so committed to old-fashioned manners that he will not enter a domicile unless he is specifically invited. While his clothing choices—mostly capes and cassocks—reveal a traditional sensibility, he is committed to the cool, urbane nightlife activities typical of an intellectual conservative. These bon vivants are known to levitate caddishly outside the windows of young men and women and hold rousing debates on the death tax. While they’re usually considered to be of Eastern European origin, Actual Vampires now make their homes in the subbasements of brainy conservative institutions like the National Review and the Heritage Foundation.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Can transform into a bat, casts no reflection in mirrors, immortality
WEAKNESSES: Sunlight, garlic, crucifixes, holy water, wooden stake through the heart, housing court judge
CHAPTER FOUR
* * *
MEDIA
Take away the newspaper—and this country of ours would become a scene of chaos. Without daily assurance of the exact facts—so far as we are able to know and publish them—the public imagination would run riot. Ten days without the daily newspaper and the strong pressure of worry and fear would throw the people of this country into mob hysteria—feeding upon rumors, alarms, terrified by bugbears and illusions. We have become the watchmen of the night and of a troubled day.
—HARRY CHANDLER
RIP my menchies.
—@VOX_MICHAEL
* * *
Extry extry! Read all about it! “Daring Dirtbags Disrupt Daffy Democrats’ Discombobulated Discourse!”
That’s how this chapter might have read if we still lived in the ink-stained era of print news. Today, however, virtually all Americans get their news, opinions, and pornography through the Internet. How did we get from dead logs to live blogs, from editorial boards to circuit boards? Put on your newsboy cap and read on, because Chapo Trap House has the “scoop”!
Sir, Have You No Shame, Sir: A History of Journalism
* * *
The first mass-produced newspapers emerged in Germany shortly after the invention of the printing press. They included Relation aller Fürnemmen und gedenckwürdigen Historien (Account of All Distinguished and Commemorable News) and Liste der bekannten Juden (List of Known Jews). These publications disseminated vital information about current affairs to the literate masses.
The concept spread to London, where gazetteers on Fleet Street added such innovations as editorials and the Page 3 Slags. Across the Atlantic, a media culture flourished in the thirteen colonies, where the issues of the day were hotly debated within the pages of newsletters and pamphlets. Among the early commentators was a young publisher’s apprentice named Benjamin Franklin. He was a polymath and the first true American man of letters, in that he generated reams and reams of extremely horny correspondence. As a sexual degenerate who disseminated totally useless adv
ice to the ignorant masses (sample aphorism: “The fool wakes up to the cuckoo’s crow whilst the wise man rises to the songbird of Reason”), Ben Franklin was also our nation’s first pundit.
Out of the colonists’ pamphleteering culture emerged an uncompromising devotion to freedom of speech, which produced such widely read radical polemics as Common Sense and No Taxation Without Fringeless Flags. After the Revolution, ratification of the proposed US Constitution was hotly debated through competing serials such as the Federalist Papers and the vastly more popular Wow. I Had No Idea About These 10 Bills of Rights (Number 6 Will Shock You).
American journalism in the first part of the nineteenth century consisted mostly of libelous attacks on politicians’ illegitimate octoroon children, classified ads for bounties on escaped slaves, and advice columns. Newspapers tended to be partisan outlets, loyal to single-issue parties like the Anti-Masonics and the Hose Down the Irish League. Some periodicals, however, were brave enough to challenge entrenched power. Notable among them was Harper’s Weekly, which ran Thomas Nast’s political cartoons depicting corrupt politicians as rotund gluttons with dollar-sign-adorned bags for heads (part of American media’s long and disgraceful legacy of body-shaming) and showing the Catholic clergy as vicious crocodiles crawling out of the Potomac to hunt for children (part of the American media’s long and honorable tradition of truth-telling). But such publications were few and far between.
The Chapo Guide to Revolution Page 12
