Did you do it?
As soon as I see the words, my heart sinks like a stone. I can deal with the townspeople thinking I did it. Whether they’re happy, or mad, or sad about it – I can deal with them. But in Maddy’s message I can hear her pain and outrage and I can’t take it. I can’t deal with her being mad at me.
All the feelings from Thursday morning rush back to me, and I see her face as she raced away from me. I can see her tear-streaked face. I can see the anger and sadness and outrage in her eyes. I read her message again and I feel that same emotion in those four little words.
I can only answer the truth.
No.
39
Madeline
I wasn’t even sure Aiden would answer my text, but as I stare at the word on the screen, I almost wish he hadn’t. It’s the first time we’ve spoken to each other since the morning before I left. I glance at the screen again.
No.
One word. I feel a mixture of relief and doubt. I want to believe him, but it’s hard to know over text. I wish I’d waited until I could look him in the eye to ask him, but when would that be? My company is demobilizing from the construction site. We're leaving until the police investigation is completed and the insurance company sorts out the details of the claim. From the way Barry was talking, it sounds like the project might be abandoned.
Aiden and the residents of Lang Creek have won, at least for now.
There’s a knock on the door and I jump. I go to the door and see my sister Bianca through the peep hole. I open the door and she lifts her mouth up to try and smile. It looks more like a grimace, but I’m sure my face looks the same right now.
“You holding up okay?” she asks. “I didn’t get to talk to you very much at the funeral.”
“I’m fine. Shouldn’t you be with your family?” I say, thinking of her husband and child. Bianca laughs.
“You are my family, Maddy.”
“Right,” I say with a grin. “Come in.” I pour her a glass of wine and she wraps me in a hug.
“You haven’t been yourself since you took that job in the mountains,” she says. I look at her and let out a dark laugh.
“Dad just died, Bianca. What do you expect?”
She gives me a look and shakes her head as she accepts the glass of wine. “You know what I mean. What happened over there? At work, in the mountains.”
I sigh. I have to look away from her, but I can feel her questioning stare on my face. I drag my eyes back to her and sigh again. “My head got all fucked up. I’ve always thought that I was one of the good guys, but there was massive community backlash with this hotel. I started seeing one of the guys who lives in town and I just got confused. I feel like I don’t know myself anymore.”
Bianca’s face is full of concern and she wraps me in another hug. “Come on,” she says. “No one knows themselves. You’re my smart, beautiful, talented little sister who was always going to have a brilliant career. And you’ve got a brilliant career!”
“What if I don’t want that anymore? What if all I want to do is run off to the mountains and live off the land with this guy for the rest of my days? Mom already thinks I’m crazy for not taking Dad’s place at the company. She’ll think I’ve lost my mind.”
Bianca laughs. “Who cares what mom thinks?” She pauses, taking a sip of wine and looking at me over the glass. “Is this guy worth it?”
I purse my lips. “I don’t know. I don’t even know if he wants to be with me. I left it badly. I thought he lied to me about the hotel, but I think I was just taking out my own frustration on him. He did nothing wrong. And then the next thing I said to him, after almost a week of no contact, was accusing him of burning the hotel down.”
Bianca inhales and nods her head slowly. “Not the best way to leave things.”
I laugh and shake my head. “No. Not the best.”
“Have you spoken to him since then?”
I shake my head again. “Just sent that text a few minutes ago. He answered right away.” I show her my phone and she reads the two messages. She looks back at me and shakes her head.
“Sometimes we have to just go back with our tail between our legs and apologize. Remember what Dad used to say? Only fight the battles that are worth winning.”
“I’ve made such a mess of it all.”
Bianca laughs. “You know, when I first started dating Derrick, we almost broke up about fifteen times. The only thing that kept us together was being able to apologize and move on.” She smiles at me. “If he’s worth it, he’ll understand.” She takes a sip of wine and glances at me. “Worst case, you can play the ‘dead dad’ card and get some sympathy.”
I can’t help but laugh. I know it's inappropriate. My mother would probably be outraged at a joke like that, but when everything is falling apart sometimes all there is to do is laugh. Bianca starts to giggle, and soon the two of us are bent over, sloshing our wine in our glasses and holding our sides. We laugh and laugh until my cheeks hurt and tears are streaming down my face. When I can breathe again, my sister gives me another hug and points to her purse.
“I brought some food. You hungry?”
“Starving,” I answer. I put my phone to the side and help Bianca in the kitchen. I take the now cold leftovers from the microwave and Bianca laughs. We talk and laugh, and for the first time in weeks I feel like things might work out. The hotel won’t be built. I can choose what I want to do with my life. I don’t know whether it’s staying here and working for Dad’s company, or working for my own company, or giving it all up and seeing if Aiden will take me back.
For the first time in weeks, a sliver of hope shines inside me.
We eat and drink wine until Bianca has to leave to be with her family. She hugs me one more time at the door and smiles, putting her hands on my shoulders.
“You were always the smart one, but I feel like I can finally give you some advice. Go see Aiden. Talk to him, apologize, and see if he’s worth fighting for.”
I nod as my eyes start to water. Bianca smiles at me. “You don’t have to be what everyone expects you to be. Make your own life, Mads. Just be true to yourself.”
“You sound like Dad,” I say as I laugh-cry in front of her. I make an awful snorting sound as I try to laugh through my tears. She smiles again.
“I know.” She wraps me in a hug and I hold on to her for a few more seconds before letting her go. When I close the door behind her, I let out a big sigh and look around my apartment.
I can hear the traffic of the street, and my neighbor is banging against the wall. There’s a siren wailing in the street below me. I walk over to the window and look outside at the lights and buildings and concrete and asphalt around me. I can’t see any green. I can’t see a single star. My heart squeezes, and Bianca’s words replay in my mind.
I don’t have to be what everyone expects me to be. I don’t have to be the trailblazing career woman. I don’t have to be the environmental engineer who saves the world. If I want to, I can be the woman who’s in love with a man from Lang Creek. I can be the woman who grows her own food and worships the mountains and lives happily ever after.
That can be me, if Aiden wants me. If he takes me back. If I wasn’t just a fling, and if he feels the same way about me as I do about him. That’s a lot of ‘ifs’, and my stomach feels heavy. I'm nervous.
The thought of confronting him again scares me. The thought of apologizing and telling him that I was wrong is scary. I stay rooted in place, staring out the window as car after car after car rushes by below me. I watch the traffic lights go from green to yellow to red and back to green, and it all seems so meaningless.
He might not want me back, but I have to try. He’s the only thing on this planet that seems real to me anymore. He’s the only person that’s ever let me explore who I am without judgement. He accepted me without any expectation that I would have a brilliant career or be anything other than myself.
I have to find out if any of that was real. I push
myself away from the window and turn back toward my luxurious apartment. I have to go back to Lang Creek.
40
Aiden
When I was coming back from my few days away, I felt like I had it all figured out. Maddy, the hotel, my past, the McCoys… Now, I’m sitting in my cabin staring at the walls and wondering what to do.
The thought of going back to my old life seems so depressing. Even being up here, knowing she’s not a short drive away is killing me. I didn’t know how lonely I was until I wasn’t lonely anymore. Maddy showed me something different. She showed me that happiness is possible for me. I don’t need my father’s business, I don’t need to hang on to my anger, I don’t need to feel that pang of guilt every time a ‘McCoy Trucking’ vehicle passes me on the road.
I can let all that go. All I need to be happy is her.
When I sit on the couch, I remember making love to her on it. When I sleep in my bed, I remember how much nicer it is to have her beside me. When I stand in my kitchen, I remember that little grin on her face as she leaned against the countertop waiting for me to kiss her.
The cabin seems so small now. I drop my head in my hands and let out a breath. Would she even want to live here? She comes from the city! I saw that spark in her eye every time she walked in, but would it last? What if we’re just too different?
I glance out the window and see the corner of the big house. I stand up and look at it through the window, letting the memories of my childhood flood my mind. Maybe she wouldn’t be happy in this cabin, but what about that house?
I ignore the voice in my head telling me I’m being ridiculous. A bigger house can’t fix things, a part of me knows that. I still pull on my boots and head up toward it. This time when I walk in, my mouth doesn’t go dry. I start looking at the house with a critical eye. I inspect the ceilings and the bathrooms. I look at the kitchen and check all the fixtures. It needs some work, sure, but this house has a soul. It saw my brothers and me grow up in it. It saw my mother and father love each other and now it’s been empty for a decade.
I turn on the tap in the kitchen and let the water run. It sputters and spits for a few moments, and then water starts pouring out of the tap. The old pipes sound like they’re struggling under the effort, but after a couple seconds the water runs clear. I nod in satisfaction.
Suddenly, I’m like a man possessed. I walk from room to room, cataloguing all the things that need to be fixed. I grab an old piece of paper and sketch up a new layout for the kitchen and dining room. I run upstairs and rip off a piece of old wallpaper that’s hanging down. I peel up a corner of carpet and smile when I see good hardwood floors underneath.
This house could be a masterpiece. It could be a home.
It would take me a while, but I could do it. I rush back to the cabin and check my phone. There’s no word from Maddy. I hesitate, wondering if I should call her. I don’t know what I would say, though. Hey, Maddy. Do you want to move into my childhood home and live on the mountain with me? Do you want to leave your career behind and be with me?
I cringe, knowing it doesn’t sound like a great proposition. I know she was happy here, but happy enough to give up her life? Her career? Happy enough to get rid of all the small comforts that she grew up with?
I glance back at the big house and take a deep breath. I don’t have the energy to think about that right now. I’ll start working on the house, and within a couple days I’ll work up the courage to call her. Maybe I can go to New York and see her in person. I never was any good on the phone.
The garage is a few steps away. I jog toward it and throw open the door. I take a deep breath. I pull on my mechanic’s overalls and look down at the ‘McCoy Trucking’ lettering across my chest. Today, it doesn’t feel like a dagger in the chest. I feel nothing. They’re just words, and the McCoys are just people.
My tools are hanging neatly, calling out to me from the wall. I stomp toward them, grabbing a few and strapping on my tool belt. I head back up toward the big house. I’ll start in the kitchen and work my way through it room by room.
The rest of the day is a frenzy of activity. I knock down walls, I rip out cupboards, I throw out old carpets. By the end of the day, I’m covered in sweat and sawdust and old insulation. My hair is plastered to my head and I’m breathing heavily.
The entire first floor of the house is gutted. There’s a huge pile of demolition materials in the front yard. I walk over to the other stack of furniture and personal items and pull a big tarp over it for protection.
I take a final walk around the ground floor, looking at the bare timber walls and running my fingers along every stud. I spin around in a circle, smiling to myself.
It feels good to do this. It’s a fresh start. It’s breathing life into the house that I used to be afraid of even looking at. It’s changing my future while still respecting my past. I’m letting go of the things that have held me back and looking forward.
I just hope that it’s enough. I hope that I’m not wrong about Maddy, and that she felt what I felt. I’m hoping that her love for the mountains was real. I’m hoping that what I saw in her eyes was love for me. I peel my sweaty clothes off and walk into the shower.
Today, the hot water feels like it’s cleansing more than my body. My mind and soul are being cleaned as well, and all that’s left to do is rebuild them into something better than before. I can build myself back up as I build the old house and hope that the newer version of me is enough for Maddy.
I open my eyes and remember that day in the shower with Maddy. My cock starts to throb between my legs and I take a deep breath. I hope she wants me as badly as I want her.
Tomorrow, I’ll get up and do it all over again. Every day until the house is finished, and I can show Maddy what she means to me.
41
Madeline
My heart is thumping when the plane lands. I have a rental car booked and I know I have a three-hour drive before I get to Lang Creek – but I’m still a nervous wreck. I can only imagine what I’ll be like when I get closer.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. My mother was outraged that I was leaving, but Bianca understood. Last night I decided to leave, and I booked the first flight out this morning. I just have a small bag with me, hardly enough for a week. I don’t know how long I’ll be here, or what I’ll do while I am here. I shake my head and focus on what’s ahead of me.
I need to apologize to Aiden, face to face. I need to tell him that he showed me a new side of myself and that he makes me a better person. I need to tell him that I love him.
My heart bounces against my ribcage as I think of saying those words out loud. My mouth is dry and my palms are sweating as I get into the rental car. If all those looks he gave me were real, and all the time we spent together was true, then he might say it back to me. He might say those three magical words and then my heart will soar.
Or, he might turn me away. I can’t even bear to think about the sting of rejection right now. I need to cling onto the small sliver of hope that I’m enough and that my apology is enough. I need to listen to the voice that tells me that he wasn’t lying to me about those things, that what I felt was real. I drive down the road, speeding toward Lang Creek. My head is filled with worries and hopes and thoughts and feelings. All I can do is keep driving.
By the time I get close to town, the sun is starting to set. I hesitate, wondering if I should leave it to tomorrow. I could drive up the winding road to his cabin in the morning, with the fresh light of day around us.
I shake my head at the thought of staying at the McCoy Hotel again. I can’t wait until tomorrow. I have to do it today. When I see the familiar little sign on the side of the road, I turn off and start my way up. I drive back and forth with the road, trying to ignore the lump in my throat and the thumping in my chest.
The drive up to Aiden’s cabin seems longer than before. It seems to take an eternity to go up the mountain, and with every bend in the road I get more and more nervous.
<
br /> Suddenly this doesn’t seem like such a good idea. I’ve never put myself out there like this before. I don’t even know how he feels. We haven’t spoken to each other in over a week! Yesterday I basically accused him of burning the new hotel to the ground.
I make the last turn and see the trees open up toward Aiden’s cabin. My pulse is racing and my palms are so sweaty they’re almost sliding off the steering wheel. I don’t see any lights on in the cabin when I pull up outside. I get out of the car slowly, closing the door and taking a few hesitant steps toward his cabin.
My breath is shallow, and all the doubts start washing over me.
He isn’t even here. What am I doing here? I shouldn’t have come. What do I expect, that he’ll change his whole life to be with me? That he’ll let me move in? What would I do here?
I start breathing a bit faster and take one more step toward the cabin. My feet crunch on the gravel and my eyes start to water. I stare at the four walls where I found out what it means to be happy. My chest squeezes and it feels like I’m never going to feel that again.
With a deep breath, I walk up to the front door. I know he’s not in here. There aren’t any lights on and there’s no smoke coming out of the chimney. But just for myself I need to knock. I need to do everything I can to prove to myself that I tried.
I lift my hand up and rap on the door a couple of times. The sound is sharp and sounds almost too loud in the stillness of the forest. My chest squeezes again and I wait for a few tense seconds before letting my shoulders slump.
He’s not here.
A weird mixture of relief and disappointment washes over me. All this buildup – all the thoughts, and worries, and hopes that I thought over and over and over for the past few days have come to nothing. It’s so anticlimactic it hurts. I hoped I would have my own Hollywood moment. I hoped he’d wrap his arms around me and tell me he’d love me forever.
The Clarke Brothers (Complete Series) Page 15
