But Mi and Abi don't see the world like that. They see a broken world and want to fix it, although I've never seen that desire bring them any real happiness.
Am I happy though? What good has come from me blocking it out?
Do I even believe in good and bad?
A bang reverberates through my memory. The feeling of my heart torn in two, while I held a shaking toddler in my arms. An image of Moona, one of ours, bleeding. Forrest's body being carted off like luggage. The cold voice, “We'll have him scrapped.”
Yes. I believe in good and bad. I may even believe in fighting. I just don't have the strength that they do.
Abi and I sit wordlessly beside him. “What can I do?” asks Abi.
“What you're already doing,” Mi replies. “Working against this mess. Find out what we need. Find out where to get it.”
I want to yell at them, because they're doing what Nick did; trying to force me into being something I'm not. I'm not a good person. I'm not made for sacrifice. I could never give up myself for a stranger.
But I'm not going to scream at them, not right now. That would not be fair to Mi. I may not be a brilliant person, but every time I wonder if I'm an awful one, I realise that I'm not because of them. How could two such wonderful people love me if I was? How can I be evil if I love them back?
“I'm sorry, Mi,” is all I say instead, and then the three of us link arms and sit there in the dark.
◆◆◆
We help Mi clean himself up, boiling water to soak his clothes in, pulling out our meagre supply of soap, and scrubbing every inch of him he's content to let us. He is a strange, solid kind of limp while we do this, numb and cold and far away. We even have to dress him for bed, and we're both relieved when he comes round at that point and shuffles off of his own accord. Abi makes him some chamomile tea. He sinks into an uneasy slumber.
After I'm sure he's asleep, I turn my attention to her.
“I'm sure I don't want to ask this question, but... how bad are things right now?”
“Pax is on the rise, supplies are low. The escaped patient is still at large. She can't have much longer left, but she can infect a lot of people in that time if she's not careful. A lot of people are going to die, and painfully, and there's very little we can do that isn't already being done.”
That makes me feel a little better, at least. There's nothing I could do anyway.
“Stay out of trouble,” I tell her.
“I invariably do.”
She's right, of course. I'm the one that's always taken the large bulk of the risks. But not any more. Not again.
Chapter 29
Abi’s predictions rattle me, and her words cling to me for several days after. I cannot shake them. They rub against my skin like burrs, and every time I think myself free of them, I find another in a crevice I didn’t know I possessed.
I finally emerge from my slump. I take another job from Abe, although I’m conscious this time of not stealing anything too precious that could be better put to use. It’s stealing some artefact from one warehouse to another, presumably to be fenced in another city for a much higher price. I don’t have much appreciation for art, and if people with far too much money want to fight over it, they are more than welcome to.
Mi is busy at the infirmary most days, occasionally punctuating it with shifts at the butcher's. Baz is very accommodating, but we need the work and Baz can't do it all by himself. One night, Mi comes back so late that he's still spark out by the time his shift starts. I walk to the butcher's to explain what's happened, offering a free bird as a peace offering. Baz is out back. His adopted son –a mute boy named Wart– is manning the counter. I've always thought him something of a simpleton, but he seems to understand me just fine. I know he's developed a way of communicating with Mi, so he can't be too dumb, even though his clickings and tappings mean nothing to me. How does Mi have this kind of patience?
Eventually, he gets too frustrated and goes out back to find one of his little sisters to translate. She's a tiny thing, a dwarf next to her giant of a father. I think her name is Sally, but I have no concept of her age and she's virtually indistinguishable from her sister.
“I will tell Papa,” she promises, taking the bird from me. “Bye-bye, Ashe-Ashe.”
This is a pet name Ben used to use when he was little. Are the two of them friends? Did she pick it up from him? I have no idea.
The marketplace is back to full swing now. With Mi so busy both at the butcher’s and at the infirmary, I've taken over the role of cooking. I’m not nearly as skilled as he is in this department, but there are no complaints and I can tell that he is grateful for the slack. I take Ben on another hunting expedition and the two of us cook our catch together. A rabbit and mushroom stew is served that evening, with wild garlic and only slightly-stale bread.
As much as I usually like the silence of the wilderness, I enjoy spending this time with him, and organising our stocks is much more fun with him by my side. It’s far easier to see what we have and not what we don’t, although that might just be the infectious side of his optimism.
“Ben,” I ask him carefully one day, “what do you want to be when you grow up?”
The last time I asked him this, he said a truck. I’m hoping for a better answer now.
“I don’t know,” he says. “Happy, I guess.”
It’s such a good answer, but it makes me worry. I worry I’ll never be able to give him this, that I can't protect him from the world and all its ills. Sooner or later, he'll see the truth of our lives. Then he'll never be happy again.
“Are you not happy now?”
“Yeah, mostly, but it looks harder to be happy when you’re older.”
Too damn right. Not that I got to be happy when I was younger, either.
“What do you want to be?” he asks.
What future did I have in mind for all of us, if I ever allowed myself to think so far ahead? I'm not sure I ever had. I'd always seen it as just being the four of us, pretty much forever. Ben was the most normal. Maybe one day he'd leave and start a new family. But he was just a child, that was so far ahead, and I didn't want to imagine my baby ever going. It seems strange that I never contemplated the rest of us getting involved with someone. Did I think we were all too badly damaged? Mi is so likeable; why had I never thought that he would find someone to share his life with? And though Abi has never expressed any such desires, is it really completely implausible that she'd never fall in love? She's only fourteen.
The truth is, I just never imagined the future beyond the next day. I was never brave enough to. But I can't explain this to Ben.
“What do you think I'd be good at?”
“Saving people!” he says quickly, making my insides twinge. “Ooh, maybe you should be a helicopter!”
I splutter with laughter at this, and chase him around the room making silly noises.
Chapter 30
By the end of the day, neither Mi nor Abi has returned. It is not like them to be quite so late. I surrendered my communication device to one of them to take back some time ago, so there’s no way to get in contact. Ben can sense my unease and fights sleep, but eventually gives over. I sit on the roof for several hours, awaiting their return. Nothing.
It grows so cold even I begin to feel it, and finally head back inside. I sit on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket, my ears pricked for any whisper of movement on the stairs.
Mi must be at the infirmary, I reason. That’s the sort of work that sucks you in, that doesn’t stop when the sun goes down. As for Abi… she must be working on some project with Harris, or perhaps she’s running technical support for a mission of some kind. She wouldn’t mention that to me because… because I made it very clear I wanted no part of it.
Somehow, sleep creeps upon me.
It is Ben that wakes me, the room awash with bluish light.
“Mi and Abi aren’t here,” he says, his bottom lip trembling. “Did they come home last night?”
; “It’s OK, bud,” I sit up and take his hands. “They were just working late.”
“So, you spoke to them?”
“I'm sure they're fine.”
“Can we go check on them?”
I hesitate. I'm in no mood to go back to Phoenix HQ, but I'm just as keen as Ben is to work out what's going on.
“Shall we walk down to the marketplace entrance? You can pop in to see them, and I'll get some supplies for today?”
I try to keep my words light and breezy, to mask the dread scuttling away inside. Nothing can actually be wrong, surely? Someone would have told us. Nick would have let me know. I can fold away my feelings, I can tell myself that we do not know each other, but I know enough of him to know that. He would never let me languish in fear, even if it meant giving way to grief.
Ben nods, and goes back to his space to dress. I take a moment to clean myself up a bit, splashing water on my face and dragging a hair brush through my shoulder-length tangles. It doesn't help very much. Just before we leave, I grab a hunk of bread and a piece of cheese; Ben should eat something on the way.
A silent mist has slithered in this morning. The buildings loom like monsters, the clouds pressing down on all of us forced to get up on such a morning as this. Everyone we pass is secretive and slow.
Things pick up a bit around the market. This is nothing unusual. There's only so quiet you can be when you're haggling over the price of pungent vegetables, after all. But as we get closer... the noise doesn't quite match up. There's less shouting, more... murmuring, and the sound of the screen overhanging the square is louder than the people. What can they be watching so intently?
Ben and I press forward. Images swirl out of the mist. A news reporter, running footage of some kind of raid. Police pulling people into a van. I recognise some of them– Phoenix members?
There's no need to get much closer; Ben and I can see and hear it perfectly with our senses. I almost wish we couldn't.
“Six members of the terrorist organisation known as 'the Phoenix Project' were apprehended last night, while attempting to steal medical supplies from one of Luca's busiest hospitals. An anonymous tip led to their arrest before the theft could take place. In the ensuing struggle, one member was killed and another wounded.”
A chill sweeps through me. Oh, oh no...
“The survivors have now been taken into custody, to await justice.”
There's some booing in the background, but for a minute, I think it comes from our crowd. Only it hasn't; there are protestors on the streets of Luca, holding up signs. Just a few. A precious, tiny few. “HELP OUR BRETHREN” “LOVE THY NEIGHBOUR” “WHAT IF THEY WERE YOUR CHILDREN?”
“Ashe,” Ben trembles at my side, “I know some of those people.”
Of course he does. I bet he learned all of their names, sitting in the mess hall while we were training. He's been back since I left. I bet he saw some of them yesterday, happy and alive. Now one of them is gone forever, and the others...
I didn't see all six faces.
“Come on.” I grab his hand. “Let's go find Mi and Abs.”
Neither of them would have gone on that mission, right? They promised to stay out of the field. Unless... unless they went to support. How useful would Abi be, in Harris' van, running off numbers? The newsreader didn't say where they were intercepted–
I am racing down the tunnel before I can stop myself, dragging Ben behind me. The long run is both endless and over in no time at all. I hammer against the door, yelling at it to open. It's an age before it does.
The corridors are empty, but noise is spilling out of the mess hall. The huge overhead screen is still showing footage from Luca's streets. The protest has been garnering some attention. Officers have arrived to “calm the crowd” but they are armed and do not look peaceful.
“Ashe! Ben!” Abi is making her way through the swathes of people towards us. She almost crashes into our outstretched arms, using them to steady herself.
“Mi–”
“He's safe. He's with Julia.”
“What's going on?”
“We had a tip about some supplies. Too good to pass up. I ran the numbers myself–”
“Bad tip?”
“It was a set-up.”
My jaw tightens. “I see.”
“Ashe... Nick was with them.”
My stomach twists into some dark, powerful knot. Somewhere between my head and my heart, a voice roars. No, please, not him...
“Is he... do you know if he...”
Abi shakes her head. “We don't know who survived.”
There's a great roaring within the room, a hundred voices, young and old, all yelling at once. It feels like we're the only ones who are quiet. It's at this point that Rudy barrels into the room and steps up the platform underneath the screen.
“Everyone, quiet!” he booms.
The volume quickly dies. The screen above him is muted.
“As you will all have seen, last night an attempt was made to liberate supplies in Luca. That attempt has failed, and as a result, six of our members are currently being held captive. One is reportedly to have died, another has been injured, and I'm afraid we do not know at this time who is still alive. The people who went on the mission were as follows: Amy Arbor, Derek Moon, Clara Dawn, River Stone, Izzy Severin and Nick Lilywhite.”
A wail, a sob, or a gasp goes up for every name, but the noise made for Nick is loudest. He is clearly popular. The three of us are the only silent part of the crowd. Perhaps it is this that draws Rudy's eyes to us, how still we are compared to everyone else. His eyes settle on me, just for a split second, but his stony gaze is difficult to decipher.
“All six of these noble souls knew the risk they took in undertaking such a mission, but each believed it to be in the best interests of our community. They marched into Luca with little thought for themselves, true warriors of the people. It is likely our brothers and sisters are being held in a maximum security facility, but rest assured, a rescue attempt will be made. I cannot promise anything other than we will try our utmost to ensure they are returned to us. I ask you to be brave in the meantime, to not lose hope, and to endeavour to hold true to the values that they have all fought for.”
There is no clapping, only a whispered silence, as Rudy steps down from the platform. He points to the three of us, and nods towards his study. We follow without another word. Harris is already there, pouring over the hologram. Mi is there too, looking completely lost.
“Tell me you have some good news,” Rudy snaps at Harris.
“Negative. We've narrowed their location to three likely points, each one virtually impenetrable.”
“Narrow it down to one,” I rush, “and we'll test that theory.”
Rudy spins round to face me, as if he'd completely forgotten he invited me here.
“You think you can get in?”
“Nothing is impenetrable,” I say solidly. “Not with me.”
“Not with us,” Abi insists.
I look at her in shock.
“What? I'm not quite as tough as you, but you know I can handle myself in a fight.”
“And me,” says Mi.
Even Harris looks a little baffled at this, which Mi must sense.
“Me at my worst is still better than everyone else here at their best,” he insists. “Julia's already tested me; my scores are almost equal to Ashe's. Plus, there's at least one wounded. You need someone with medical training.”
“Julia's no field agent,” Harris adds hurriedly, “and she'd be reluctant to leave her current patients, even for Nick.”
Nick. I have to get to him. He has to be OK.
“Well, Mr Boss-man,” I say, as flippantly as I can manage, “you have three superhumans on your side. What do you say?”
“I want to go too!” says Ben, before he can answer.
“No!” rush Abi, Mi and myself, in one hurried breath.
“You're too young,” I continue, “and I'd like to give you the best ch
ance of being older.”
“You did dangerous stuff when you were my age,” he says, pouting.
“I did, because I didn't have a choice. You do. We do.”
“But–”
“Not now, Ben!” I snap, because I don't have time for this. You are my world, and I will not risk you. You do not know how insane with worry I will go, having you out there. If I had my way, I'd wrap Ben up in bubble-wrap and keep him home forever, foolish and silly though that would be. I know he needs space to grow up, that one day I'll have to let him make his own decisions, but not today.
There's a sudden knock on the door, and a rather rushed young man stands there. “We've got a visitor at the tunnel entrance,” he says breathlessly.
“Well? Let them in.”
“Um... he's wearing a Lucan guard uniform, sir.”
Rudy's jaw tightens. “How would a Lucan guard know where–”
“Does he look like me?” Harris asks.
“He... well, yeah, actually, he does.”
“Bring him in.”
Rudy looks at Harris, his glare livid. An argument will happen between them later, I'm certain, but not right now.
Within a couple of minutes, Henson arrives, beet red and panting hard. Mi rushes to get him a glass of water.
“I'm so sorry,” he pants, “I had no idea–”
“You said the tip was from a trustworthy source,” Rudy fumes. “You said she was a friend.”
“She is. She was. I had no idea–”
“Are you in danger?” Harris interjects. “Does she know you're helping us?”
“I think she might have been the one set-up,” Henson continues. “I think... I think after the stunt at the hotel, the Government have been laying a few false trails, planning a number of traps. I don't think she had any idea.”
“Where is she now?”
“I... I don't know.” Henson swallows. “I'm hoping she realised what had happened and got out of the city. She's got family in Solis, I know–”
The Phoenix Project: Book I: Flight Page 14
