The guard waves us through without another word, and moments later, we pass under the wall, through the checkpoint, and out the other side.
I'm free. We're free.
It is a short ride from there until I see the looming shape of the loft. I do not want to give my precise location to White, but I also don't want to risk infecting any civilians as I carry Nick into it. I stop on the outskirts.
“Won't it look suspicious, you returning without your chauffeur?”
“Possibly. But I usually find money very helpful in ridding suspicions.”
I click open the boot and start to slide out of the car.
“What do you really want?” White asks, before I've fully emerged. “You said on the news you wanted to help people. Is that true?”
I think for a minute. “I used to think I just wanted to not live in a prison,” I say eventually. “Now I realise I want the same for everyone else.”
“Luca isn’t a prison.”
“I didn’t say I was talking about Luca. But now that you mention it… you’re the one living inside of walls.”
I pull up the lid and check on Nick. He's clammy and hard, shaking and shivering. The morphine is wearing off.
White climbs out of the car. “Tell him... when he comes round... that I helped get him out. Let him know, if he changes his mind–”
“He won't,” I snap, “but... I'll tell him it was you.”
“Thank you.”
I lift Nick out and onto my shoulder, closing the lid behind him. White slides into the driver's seat, takes a final look at his grandson, and slowly drives away.
Chapter 42
Nick starts seizing as I am halfway up the stairs. He's jerking so much that I can barely carry him. He's struggling to breathe, his chest is like iron. He gasps like he is drowning.
“Mi!” I scream. “Help me!”
It does not take long for him to hear me. Thankfully, mercifully, he's in.
“Ashe!” His voice sounds far above me. He starts pelting down the stairs. “Oh, thank God, we were so–” He stops. “What's... what's wrong? Is that... is that Nick with you?”
“Yes, it's Nick! He has the pax but he won't die–”
Mi's face pales. “Ashe, no one survives–”
“You don't understand!” I hiss. “Just– help me!”
Mi stops asking questions. He grabs Nick's legs, and together we manoeuvrer him upstairs and onto my bed. It's the closest space, and the one with the most room.
“Ashe!” Ben and Abi appear at my side. I want to hug them, but there's no time–
“I need you to get Julia,” I rush, “tell her it's Nick. She needs... the usual stuff. She'll know what that means. And a transfusion kit!”
Both of them nod, saying nothing as they race away.
Mi is stripping Nick of his clothes, examining the blisters with his fingers.
“This is very advanced–”
“It won't kill him!” I insist. “He told me, he's survived it before.”
Mi looks sceptical. “That doesn't mean–”
“Please, Mi!”
“All... all right. Get me my med kit and some damp towels. We need to cool him down.”
I rush off to do as he instructed, while Mi rolls him onto his side. I am gone only a few seconds. The horrible gasps seem to increase in volume the further away I am.
Mi does not look hopeful when I return. “He's not breathing properly...”
“Then help him breathe properly!”
Mi riffles through his equipment while I cover Nick in damp towels, whatever good it does. He convulses underneath them. Desperately, I grab his face. His eyes are wide, but they don't seem to see me.
“Nick, Nick, it's going to be all right. You just need to breathe. You're home, now. Julia is coming. I'm here, I'm here, please... just breathe–”
Nothing. He cannot hear me, or see me, or feel me. He's going. He's slipping away–
Mi plunges something into Nick's chest. There's a sharp pop and Nick gasps. The convulsing slows, his breathing gets deeper. His face relaxes. His body is still burning like a twisted lump of iron, but it's better. When I take his hand, he squeezes back.
“I think I can brew up something for the pain,” Mi says, exhaling very quickly. “Watch him.”
I'm not going anywhere.
◆◆◆
When Julia arrives, Nick is unconscious, breathing better but not easily. She's fully kitted out in a hazmat suit, and her visor starts to steam when she sees him. She barely says anything, only asking Mi what has been done already, and then sets to work.
“I was told to bring a transfusion kit?”
I nod. “You need to give him some of our blood. It's helped ease symptoms in the past. It won't cure it, but...”
“I'll do it,” Mi volunteers. “I know how much you hate needles.”
“And you don't?”
“I'm tougher than you, when it comes to them.”
“That's true, but you need to keep your strength up if you're to look after him. Let it be me, Julia.”
“If you're sure...”
She sets it up and I lie down on the bed next to him, wincing as she slides the needle into my arm. I can't look. I bite my lip and try to focus on something –anything– else.
Julia holds my hand. “It's all right. It's in now.”
“Is he going to be OK?”
“Thanks to you, I think so, yes.”
“OK. Good. I'm OK then.” I feel like a pathetic child, whimpering over a scraped knee. I want the needle out.
Julia strokes my hand, a feeling, an action, that soothes me down to the bone. Her voice is feather-soft. “Nick really cares for you, you know.”
“I do know. I believe he used the word 'besotted'.”
Julia smiles.
“I like him too, for the record,” I tell her. “I just... I'm just careful.”
She nods knowingly. “You've lost someone already.”
I nod. “And I haven't quite been able to explain this to Nick. It's... it's complicated.”
“Don't... don't hurt him,” she says very quietly. “He has endured enough over the years. As I know you have. I know that can sometimes make it... difficult... to let people in.”
She's lost someone, I realise. She knows about hurting. She's been through something too. Nick's never mentioned her family. She's alone, apart from the Phoenix crew.
“Julia?”
“Yes?”
“Why are you here?”
“What do you mean?”
“You've not from the slums, are you?”
“What makes you think that?”
“Your accent, partly. It's too soft, too proper. Everyone here speaks roughly, briskly. And you're way too clean.”
She laughs at this. “You're quite right.”
“But you're not from Luca, either, are you?”
“No. No, I'm not. I grew up in Gardia, to the east.”
“Then... what are you doing here?”
Julia swallows. “My penance,” is all she says.
Chapter 43
Once I'm freed from the needles, I get up and go to sit with Abi and Ben. I fill them in on everything that's happened, apologise for worrying them, and curl up with Ben on the sofa. Mi brings me something to drink. I can hear Nick stirring, talking to Julia, sounding more coherent than he has in days. Suddenly, I feel a bit nervous. It was one thing to be with him in the garage when we were trapped together. This... this feels new.
Abi hands me a hot cloth to clean myself up with, and gives me a thumbs up when I look presentable. Julia passes me at the door and pats my shoulder.
Nick grins at me weakly from the bed.
“Hey,” he says.
“Hey. How do you feel?”
“Like I got stabbed in the chest. Otherwise... a bit better. Julia says you gave me some of your blood?”
“I did.”
“But you hate needles.”
“I detest needles,” I
correct him. “Luckily for you, my hatred of needles is just about outweighed by my affection for you. So... so there.”
I hang there in the doorway, letting the words sink in. Nick looks up at me, slightly baffled.
“Did you mean what you said? When you rescued me?”
My cheeks suddenly feel very hot. “What part exactly–”
“When you said you were falling for me.”
“Oh. Er. Yes. That part.”
“Did you think I'd forgotten–”
“It was a while ago–”
“Did you hope I'd forgotten?”
“No... yes. A little.”
“Did you mean it?”
“Yes.”
“Do you still mean it?”
I swallow. “Now more than ever.” I turn towards the window, because I can't quite look him in the face right now. “Your grandfather was the one who got us out,” I say quietly. “Don't hate me for going to him. I was desperate–”
“I don't think I could ever hate you.”
“You don't know the things I've done.”
“If you ever want to tell me, I will listen,” he says. “And I don't think I'll be as shocked as you think I'll be.”
I cannot think of anything to say to this, so I trace lines on the window instead, looking out at the dusky city.
“Why does it matter to you anyway?” Nick asks. “Why are you so concerned with why you're liked?”
“I don’t know. I guess part of me is a little baffled that anyone does.”
Nick chuckles at this, but registers something in my voice. “Oh wait, you’re serious.”
“I’ve never tried hard to get people to like me. In fact, I’ve done the reverse. Why would anyone like me after that?”
“I’ve got my reasons.”
“But–”
“I know, I know, I don’t know you. But I’m enjoying getting to know you. No one knows anyone when they first meet.”
Except when you’ve known that other person your whole life, when you can’t remember meeting that other person because they were in every memory you’ve ever had, when they were in every thought and every moment.
How many years have I wasted on this dream, convincing myself that no one can know me in the way that Gabe did, and so there is no point in letting myself get close to anyone? Or was it a lie I told myself, to protect against the pain of intimacy?
No one will know me in the way that Gabe did, but that doesn’t mean I can’t show them. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t let anyone know me, ever. It is unfair for the shadow of his soul to haunt my future. I knew him, I loved him, and he is gone.
“Ashe?” Nick's brow furrows. “Where did you go?”
I turn back towards him and take a few steps forward. “I... I have to tell you something.”
“All... all right.”
“Well... I don't have to tell you. I want to tell you. I mean, I think I do... I just... I don't know how to...”
“It can't be any more shocking than 'I'm a genetically engineered human being who escaped from a secret government lab.'”
It isn't. It shouldn't be. I don't know why this is so shocking.
“There were five of us,” I say quickly, before I lose my nerve. “Five of us in that room. Five of us that escaped. The fifth was Mi's brother, Gabriel. Gabe.” I stop briefly, gathering my nerve. “He and I... in the early days, it was just the three of us. I was the eldest, but my earliest memories are of holding his hand in the dark. We didn't quite understand the concept of family or blood then, but we knew we belonged together. Gabe and I... we shared a connection. It was somewhere between telepathy and empathy. We could read each other's emotions like words. It made us a formidable force on the battlefield. No test they could run could explain it, but it felt completely normal to us. I grew up with his voice inside of me, and it was only when he died I knew what it was to be alone. I felt that connection between us snap as keenly as bone.”
I look up at him, trying to gauge his thoughts, but his face is unreadable. Instead, he holds out his hand. When I reach out to take it, he pulls me onto the bed and into his arms. It is a warm, beautiful place, difficult to describe. It's hot soup on a cold day, but it smells of summer rain. I am so safe here, even though it is utterly unfamiliar territory.
“He died saving us. He died so that we could escape. I thought a part of me died with him. It felt that way. I thought I would never be happy again.” I curl my fingers in Nick's shirt. My hands are trembling with warmth. “I thought that's it, I will carry this hole inside me until I die. Nothing could plug it up. I got better, of course. And I never stopped loving the others. I learned not to feel so alone, to know I had them. But it was just them. It was only ever going to be the three of them. Until... until I met you. Nick, I'm...” But then my words fail me again. “I'm... I'm really struggling here.”
Nick's fingers interlace with mine. He brings them up to his lips and kisses them. “We can go as slowly as you like,” he says softly.
A part of me, in that moment, wants to say and what if I don't want to go slow? But I cannot be this bold, not when I'm twitching with such nervous energy. The fox has become the rabbit.
There's also a limit to what Nick can do in his current condition. He probably can't manage more than a kiss and... and I'm still saving that. I burrow down further into his chest.
“Nick?”
“Yes?”
“Please don't die. Like, ever, if you can help it.”
I feel his cheeks twitch into a smile. “For you,” he whispers, “I will do my very best.”
Chapter 44
Julia departs back to Phoenix Headquarters to give everyone a watered-down version of the truth, and to let Rudy know that his base is missing a car and all of its emergency credits. The car can probably be recovered. The credits are gone for good. I'm hopeful that he'll understand my need and not judge me, just this once.
It is decided that Nick will stay here with us until he recuperates. He'll be more comfortable at the loft than at the infirmary, and will have superhuman healing blood on tap. Mi, Julia assures us, is more than capable of looking after him. Now that he appears to be out of danger, I am no longer keen to have him removed from my sight, although I put my foot down when Nick slyly asks where I'll be sleeping.
“I'll bunk with Abi!” I say quickly, and fling a towel in Mi's face when he grins.
I set up a bed on the floor, strip down to everything but my underwear, and dump my clothes to soak in a bucket in the kitchen. If I didn't need them, I'd set them on fire. I'd been wearing them for so long they could practically stand on their own. Exhausted, I fall into my makeshift bed. Abi comes in not long after and climbs into her own.
“I'm glad you're home. We were worried there, for a bit.”
“I tried to get your attention.”
“It worked. Harris and I were already working on how to get you out.”
“Henson?”
“He's OK. Doing shifts at the West Gate for a bit. We need to be careful about using him for a while.”
I breathe deeply, glad of another weight lifted. “I'm falling for Nick,” I say abruptly.
The smallest, slightest laugh slips out of Abi. “And you're worried about this?”
“Terrified. I'm not... I'm not used to letting people in. And I've not felt like this before.”
“Not since... Gabe?”
I swallow. “Not since... ever.”
“Oh,” says Abi slowly, “Well, that does sound scary.”
“Yeah.”
“It's kinda funny that you can leap off buildings but a little thing like falling in love scares you.”
“I know I'll survive leaping off a building... and it's not a little thing.”
“Have you told him?”
“Yes. About falling for him... and about Gabe.”
Abi nods. “I'm a little jealous of you, you know.”
“Of me? Why?”
“Of what you and Nick share.”
>
“You could have that too, one day, Abs. You're still young. If you want it–”
“That's the thing,” Abi explains, “I don't want it.”
“But, you just said–”
“I want to want it, but I just... I don't. I've never even felt a twinge like that, not for anyone. And I don't think I'm going to.”
“Abi–”
“I thought at first that maybe... maybe they made us all that way. It would be convenient, after all, if we weren't going to be distracted by hormonal imbalances etc... but then I remembered the way Gabe used to look at you. And Mi very clearly liked girls. And now you...”
Perhaps she thought that it wouldn't affect us girls, that we'd lost such desire when... when they did that thing to us. I struggle to find the right words to say.
“It's all right,” she continues. “It hardly matters. Such a little thing, after all. Still. I should have liked to have known what all the fuss was about. You'll have to tell me.”
I smile weakly at her in the dark. “I'll try my best.”
◆◆◆
I sleep in the next morning, somehow shutting out the sounds of everything in my body's stubborn desire to finally have a full night's rest. I'm thankful for it, although I miss Ben going to school. I vow to pick him up later and spend some time with him, just the two of us.
I borrow a top from Abi, who is already gone. It's too small for me but everything else I own is soggy or trapped in my room with Nick, and I remember his reaction to seeing me naked before. He probably couldn't handle such... excitement right now.
Nick is awake; Mi is checking him over. He seems happy with his progress. I poke my head around the door, cradling a bowl of porridge in one hand.
“Mornin',” I say, my mouth filled with oats.
Nick's eyes go as wide as saucers. “Nice outfit.”
I shrug. “All my clothes are in here.” I tiptoe into the room, put my bowl on top of the dresser, and riffle through my drawers. There's not much to choose from, but they're mine, and they're clean.
“You... you're not going to change here, are you?”
The Phoenix Project: Book I: Flight Page 20
