“All of us?”
“All of us. Phoenix has our back.”
“I like having a big family,” says Ben. He pushes out his chair and comes to sit on my lap. I kiss the top of his head. I know I'm not going to sleep for days after we release this video. I'm going to be far too scared that someone is coming for him.
But I still need to do it.
Chapter 50
I do not write the speech alone. Rudy has several things he wants me to include, and Abi and Mi help with the rest. They are largely left out of what we construct, but it is still our story. It would not be right to do it without them.
Once it's written, it takes several days to film. Rudy wants to use footage from the slums behind my words, and then it's up to Harris to painstakingly pull it all together.
“How are we going to release it?” I ask. Harris can probably do it from here, but much like our previous video, it needs to be somewhere public. It won't float around long on the internet otherwise. The Government have ways of getting things like that shut down fast.
“We have an ally in the city now, who is going to help us,” Harris explains.
“Can we trust them?”
“I hope so. You met her, actually. She was one of the technicians from the hotel.”
I remember her face, barely. She seemed so shocked when she saw the video. Can something so small change a person so much?
But then I think about how much I've changed, and decide to trust her.
A runner is given the video when we're done and takes it the gate to give to Henson, now back on duty there. This is a low-risk exchange.
All the rest of us can do is wait.
“Shall we go for a walk?” I ask Nick.
“What?”
“A walk. I'm no good at waiting.”
“Sure.”
We head out of the base together from the hangar entrance, along the old road that skirts the wilderness. It's the closest I can get to a semblance of calm.
“How are you feeling?” Nick asks. “Dumb question, I know.”
“Nervous,” I respond. “I'm not sure what the repercussions will be. I'm... I'm frightened.”
“I won't let them take you away.”
“Don't.”
“I'm sorry?”
“Don't make promises you can't keep. And don't put your life on the line for me. Not ever. You won't be doing me any favours–”
“Ashe–”
“If they ever find me and I wind back in that miserable place, the only thing that will give me any solace is knowing that you and the others are alive and safe somewhere. So if they ever come for me, you keep them safe, do you understand?”
“But what about me?”
“What do you mean?”
“What do you think will happen to me if something happens to you?”
“I–”
“Because I will go out of my freaking mind, Ashe. You have no idea–”
“Yes,” I say quietly, “I do. And I'm sorry if I ever have to put you through that. But please, please, protect my family. Protect yourself. I can't survive another loss of this magnitude. I can't–”
“Don't make me survive another loss!” Nick yells. “I won't pretend to know that I understand what you and Gabe were to each other, but I've lost people too! I know, I know, that your death is the one I will not recover from. You don't think I'm terrified about what will happen next? I wish I was strong enough to protect you. I wish I could convince you to stay here, because every single time you leave the base I wonder if that's the last time I'll ever see you, and it kills me. You have no idea–”
“I have no idea? I nearly watched you die! You don't think I know exactly how you feel?”
“Then why won't you–”
“Because I am so, so scared of losing you, that a part of me thinks it would be easier not to let you in any more. But... but it's too late. Don't you see? It's too late!”
Nick stares at me, but I don't have any more words. Instead, I lean forwards and eclipse the gap between us, seizing his face and pulling it down to mine. Our lips collide, and I hang there for several minutes, waiting for the earth to shift apart. But everything is still and impossibly quiet, except for the sound of our hearts, frantically beating against one another like one indivisible creature.
I draw back. My face feels like it's on fire. “Oh,” I say breathlessly, “that wasn't... I shouldn't have... I had all these plans! It was supposed to be a happy, cheerful moment, that's why I didn't–”
I am so flustered that I barely feel Nick grab my wrist, barely notice him at all until his face is right next to mine, and he is kissing me again.
“I have no idea what you're talking about,” he says when we eventually part.
My whole body is trapped by some strange, warm sensation. I cannot tell my toes from my torso. “I've... I've been thinking about kissing you for a very long time, only it never seemed right when you were sick, but at least then we weren't getting angry with one another–”
Nick holds a finger up to my mobile mouth. “Any moment would have been perfect,” he insists. “Are you still angry with me?”
“No.”
“Me neither.” His mouth twists into a smile, and drops to cover mine. His hands glide along my back and I melt into him, drawing my arms around his neck. My flesh is on fire, and I am soaring and falling in the same breathless moment.
I never knew I could feel like this.
We stand there on the old road, underneath the shadows of the trees, until time loses meaning. We could be there for a minute or an hour; I do not know. Seconds, minutes, hours blur into one indivisible unit.
It is Nick that parts first, breathing rapidly. His heart hammers underneath my hand, in my eardrums, under my very skin. Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-bum.
“Worth waiting for?” I ask, as boldly as I can manage.
“Hmm, on a scale of one-to-ten–”
“Are you honestly rating our first kiss? Because I can and will murder you. We're all alone out here. They'd never even hear you scream.”
“You are insane,” Nick laughs, “and incredible, and I think I've spent my entire life missing you.”
I hold his hands and lean my head against his, because I know exactly what he means.
Chapter 51
We stay outside for some time, saying very little, kissing a lot. There has not yet been a resolution to the don't-put-your-life-on-the-line-for-me request, but I know I cannot ask him again. This is a price we both have to pay.
We walk back to the base hand in hand, only dropping them when we step back into Rudy’s study.
“You were gone a while,” says Harris slyly. “Also, Nick, there's leaves in your hair.”
Nick frantically pats it down.
“And dirt on your butt.”
I brush this off, which makes his cheeks redden.
He swallows. “Any news?”
“The package has been received. It's ready to be released on the morning news.”
I do not fancy walking through the marketplace when it plays and everyone knows, once and for all, what I am, so I ask Rudy if we can stay for a few days while we analyse the damage. He agrees, and I set off to find the others. Abi elects to go back to grab a few things.
Mi sniffs me as I walk past. “You smell of the outdoors.”
“I went for a walk.”
“Alone?”
“Not alone, no.”
“Are you smiling?”
“Yes, quite a lot, actually.”
He grins. “So, that finally happened then.”
“Yup.”
“I'm happy for you.”
“Thanks.” I nudge his side. “You next!”
Somebody finds us some spare bunks and bedrolls. We're not together –no one has four spares– and there's a split between boys and girls. There are some exceptions with sibling groups, but Ben decides he's happy to be with Mi and doesn't fight this.
Despite the nervousness of tomorrow hanging over us, it's
not an unpleasant evening. After dinner, people play games with one another. Some of the adults and the older ones share a quiet drink. I'm not interested in any of this though, not at the moment. Nick and I sneak off and go to his room.
It's about a quarter of the size of mine and has about four times as much in it. Clothes, bedsheets, boots, weapons, books and comics, pens and paints, great big stacks of paper and crates of slightly-broken equipment, waiting to be fixed. A dresser in the corner is heaped with toiletries, probably from Luca, souvenirs of his missions there. It’s tidy but cluttered, with a warmth to it despite the harsh glare of the overhead lights.
“It’s not much,” Nick says, “but it’s home.”
“It’s certainly cosier than mine,” I agree, sitting down on the bed.
“Yeah... how long have you lived there?”
“Five years.”
“Wow. Because–”
“It looks like I just moved in. Yes, I know.”
“Any reason–”
“Well, I spent the first three years expecting to leave it at any moment.”
Nick’s face pales.
“Don’t worry,” I assure him, taking his hand and pulling him down next to me, “I’m a lot less flighty than I used to be.”
“No plans to skip town at present?”
“I’m unfortunately becoming rather attached to it.”
Nick smiles then, because he knows exactly what I mean by that, and kisses me because of it.
We stay there in his room for a few hours, alternating between talking and kissing. Nick shows me his comic book collections and some of the designs he’s drawn for new phoenix graffiti that he hopes to install in Luca once my video goes viral. They’re very good.
Eventually, we realise it’s getting late. People are sloping along the corridor, back to their dorms.
“I suppose you ought to go,” says Nick regretfully. “Wouldn’t want the others to notice you’re missing. Ben will want you–”
“He’s bunking with Mi,” I assure him, “but yes, I suppose you’re right. Wouldn’t want the endless teasing.”
Except... I’m not sure I would mind, any more. They’re going to have to get used to us... being an us.
“Quite.”
I take a reluctant step towards the door, but don’t even have time to grasp the handle before Nick strides across the room, wheels me around on the spot and presses me against the door. His mouth comes crashing down on mine with a warmth that ignites a fire in my blood. When a breath escapes me, it comes out as a moan.
“You’re making it very difficult to leave.”
“That’s the point.”
I kiss him again, lightly this time, afraid of getting carried away. Somehow, I disentangle myself, whisper goodbye, and slip out into the corridor. It takes me a while to catch my breath. I can still hear Nick on the other side of the room, this warmth spreading through the space between us. His heartbeat pumps in my ears. I have never felt another person’s presence so keenly before, not like this. Nick has not just invaded my mind, but poured into my heart and soul and body.
Abi is already installed in her bed for the night when I slip into the dormitory. She smiles knowingly at me when I enter, but says nothing. I lie down in the bunk beside her as others trickle in, too dazed to sleep or even undress. My heart is racing, my mind whirring.
Sleep descends on the room, soft and steady as the stream. A dozen heartbeats throb quietly under their coverlets, a dozen breaths inhale, exhale. The bedsheets rustle. Pipes hum. People still awake move up and down the corridors. The noise amplifies the longer I fixate on it.
I can’t sleep. I’m too hot, too full of thoughts. Nick’s phantom weight presses against me still. It’s seeped into my skin.
Eventually, I give up. I kick back the covers and creep out of the room, back along the corridors to Nick’s door. I hover outside, trying to gauge whether or not he’s awake. I can make out the sound of pencil on paper; someone is scribbling away.
Nervously, I rap at the door. There’s shuffling, and then Nick appears at the threshold, dishevelled and half-dressed in the dim lamplight.
“Ashe,” he breathes, “what are you–”
I brush past him into the room. “Can I stay here tonight?”
“Are the dorms not quite to your liking?”
“Hmm, let me think. Shall I spend the night in a room full of strangers with super hearing bound to keep me awake, or shall I bunk with my boyfriend in his private room?”
“Boyfriend?”
“Yeah, you got a problem with that?”
“I have the opposite of a problem with that. It's just going to take some time to adjust. Let's try it. Ahem,” he clears his throat. “Hey everyone, this is my amazing superpowered girlfriend Ashe–”
“You don't need to tell everyone I've got superpowers.”
“Ok, this is my amazing girlfriend Ashe. She can murder you with her pinky, but that is a totally normal thing to be able to do–”
“Shut up,” I say, and kiss him.
“Oh, what do you know, I'm used to it. My girlfriend,” he places a hand against my cheek, “Ashe...”
Instead of saying anything more, and before I lose all my nerve altogether, I lean up, take Nick's face in my hands, and pull it towards mine. I am very slow, very gentle, waiting for him to join me. I might be shaking. I'm nervous, terribly nervous.
Then Nick's lips collide with mine and a warmth unlike anything I have ever known spreads through me like wildfire. I am unravelling and wound up all at once.
“Ashe,” Nick whispers.
“Don't stop.”
“Are… are you sure? If this is too soon for you–”
“I have been waiting half a decade to care this much about another human being,” I tell him. I gather my courage. “I might have been waiting my whole life.”
Nick’s heart thunders in his chest. He opens his mouth, but I cut across him, shoving him back against the wall with such force that the boards crack.
“Wait–” he starts.
“Sorry,” I murmur, planting grinning kisses down his neck, “should I be more gentle?”
“No, ah –yes– but um, I need to grab some protection–”
I pull back slightly. “No, you don’t. Remember?”
“Ah. Yes. Forgot.”
“As long as, you’re, you know, clean. Although I’m probably immune to that too, come to think of it–”
“Julia is very big on mandatory testing, so yes, all fine in that department. Can we go back to the kissing now?”
I pull off his shirt. “Happily,” I tell him, and then drop mine to the floor.
Nick swallows, staring at me, his eyes wide and wondrous. He closes the gap between us with trembling fingers. “You’re magnificent,” he says.
“You’ve seen me naked before.”
“I’ve not seen you like this before.”
I kiss him, my lips light against his, feather-soft, barely touching. “No one has.” I deepen the kiss, and we tumble together into his bed.
Chapter 52
I do not know what time it is when we eventually fall asleep. I do not know what time it is when we wake. Time has become a shapeless, liquid thing, that only exists outside of this room.
Nick is stroking the bare skin of my arm, his touch feather-light. Warmth ripples through me. My eyelids open.
“Morning.” He grins. His smile reaches the pit of my stomach.
“Morning.”
“How do you feel?”
“Different,” I admit. “A good different, but different nonetheless. How do you feel?"
“Like it’s just as well you aren’t the first woman I’ve been with, because I needed the warm-up, shall we say.”
“So... OK then?”
Nick slips his arm around my waist. “OK is not quite the word I would use,” he whispers, grinning at me madly. He reaches across and kisses me.
“What? What is it?”
“I just can't be
lieve that in this awful, crazy, messed up world, I met the one person who made me feel like all of that was worthwhile.”
“Nick...”
“I mean it. I'd take a week with you over a lifetime of luxury. You're wonderful and amazing and I never want to be without you.”
I cannot find a way to match the weight of his words, so I kiss him instead, as hard and as deeply as I possibly can. I feel like I'm unravelling again, but this time each little thread of me is tightly weaving itself onto Nick. Soon we'll be utterly and irreparably indivisible.
There's a knock on the door.
“Nick?” says Julia. “It's getting a bit late. You've missed breakfast. Are you OK?”
“Uh... yeah! I'm fine–”
“You sound strange–”
“Morning, Julia,” I call back shamelessly.
“Oh, Ashe!” Her voice goes very high. A long pause follows. “Would you like breakfast?”
“I'm OK, I'm pretty stuffed already...”
“Uh, oh, well. Quite. Um... have fun. I mean, um, bye!”
Nick is as red as a beetroot when I turn back to him. “You can't say stuff like that to Julia! She's like my... designated adult!”
“You know you're an adult too, right?”
“Yeah but she's... a proper adult! She practically raised me! Would you have said that to my mum?”
I have very little clue how regular families interact, so I just shrug. “She seemed cool with it.”
“Julia is always cool,” he says defensively. “Oh, I'm getting the talk again tonight...”
“It’s nice that you’re the embarrassed one for a change.”
“I regret ever teasing you.” He sighs, sitting up. “We should probably go and... face the music.”
I had almost forgotten. The video. It should be live by now.
“Of course.” I shuffle out of bed and scurry about, fetching my clothes.
Nick stops suddenly.
“What?”
“Nothing, there’s just a naked Ashe in my room.”
“Going to take some getting used to?”
“It will be a steep learning curve, but one I hope to tackle.”
I plant a quick kiss on his lips and get dressed hurriedly. We step out into the corridor together and totter along to the mess hall. It’s a hive of activity, and the minute we enter, people rush up to greet me. I recognise some –Blue, Chuck, the woman from the armoury– but others are a blur. They all know me.
The Phoenix Project: Book I: Flight Page 23
