Hopefully. Abi still predicts a high body count, but she also predicts that seventy-percent will make it out alive. A lot of people will be freed.
The morning after the plan is finalised, Sia leaves with Harris and Jameson, to inform Tiny and Dor of the plan and double-check the perimeter. The rest of us are left behind to organise the other vehicles, a task that doesn't take nearly as long as we would like. The rest of the day drags by.
Mi is convinced to stay behind. If anything goes wrong, we don't want to leave Ben completely on his own. Julia is key in convincing him; she's going along for support and doesn't want to leave her practice unmanned. He's to take over... again if anything happens. He tries not to look too pleased that she trusts him with this. Scarlet decides to stay too, which seems to solidify his decision to remain.
The hours tick slowly by.
The base is oddly quiet. Only a select few know of the mission, but they must be able to sense something from the ones that do. Perhaps they've noticed the number of vans being signed out, or have seen how empty Jenn's armoury has become. Maybe they even spotted Sia, and recognised her from before. Something stirs in the air, thick and palpable. It itches under our collars.
Rudy provides a crate of non-alcoholic beer and sets up a party of sorts in the common room after hours. Everyone involved in the mission is there, all the drivers, all the support, all of us. Some twenty people, all in all. I can name almost everyone.
I wonder how many will be here tomorrow night.
Everyone is surprisingly chatty after a little while. A friendly game of cards is on the go. Someone sets up a couple of darts teams. Nick is very good at this, although Rudy gives him a run for his money.
Someone hands me another bottle. Mi.
“Thanks,” I say, taking it to my lips.
“How are you feeling about tomorrow?”
“You already know.”
“Perhaps you should say it anyway.”
“I... I don't want to go back there,” I admit. “I feel like I'm walking into my own tomb. How... how about you?” I will him not to say anything about his fear of being alone, or about how worried he is over our safety. Right now, I don’t want to know how much he loves us.
“I feel like it's time to give everyone else the chance we had,” he says. “Don't you?”
“Yes.” Something almost like a smile rises from within me. “I do.”
“Just focus on that. The rest will follow.”
He wanders over to sit beside Scarlet, so close they’re practically in each other’s laps.
It's getting too stuffy in the room, too loud. I wander out of the room, through the mess hall, and into the hangar. I hadn't thought about it before, but my ID chip lets me go more places now. I don't remember it letting me open this door before. Rudy must have raised my level.
I find Abi at the entrance, sitting in the gravel, staring up at the skies. She was never one for big groups of people either.
“Can I join?”
“Stars are for sharing,” she replies, immobile as I sit beside her. She picks at the label on her bottle.
“It's a pretty night.”
“It will be frosty tomorrow,” she says. “Might take us longer to travel, if the roads are slippery.”
“Always best to be prepared.”
A few more dark, star-filled moments tick by in silence.
“I lied,” says Abi abruptly.
“About what?”
“When I said it was best for us to remain in the city. I knew it was dangerous, but I calculated that we could do a lot of good before we got caught. A lot of good, Ashe.”
This, I realise, is Abi's goodbye. No 'promise me you'll return' because she knows the odds. She knows that a promise is a slippery thing, far too hard to hold onto. She just wants me to know that we've done the right thing, that I've done the right thing... even if it's the last thing I do know.
“Do you forgive me?”
I put my hand against her hair. “You are my sister,” I tell her. “Nothing you do will ever be unforgivable to me.”
“But... I lied... I put our family in danger, the one thing you would never do–”
“The world has enough people like me, Abs.”
“No, it doesn't.”
“Keeping you three safe has been the most important thing to me since we got out. The most important thing to me. Just me. But I was selfish, trying to keep you all to myself. I should have shared you with the world long ago.”
“Statistically speaking, a similar course of events was likely to play out regardless of when you joined Phoenix–”
“The point is, you were right. We had to do it.”
“All right,” she says, sounding a little more sure of herself. “Good.”
We sit there in the inky darkness for a little while longer, our heads pressed gently together.
Chapter 66
Finally, everybody heads to bed under the pretence of getting some sleep. I wonder how many actually will. I don’t feel like I will sleep at all. If I do, my dreams will bring the Institute to life, and I’ll be running through its corridors all night.
One more sleep, Ashe. One more sleep until it’s gone for good.
Nick and I undress and climb under the covers. We huddle there like children, holding hands. “Are you afraid?” he asks.
“Yes.” That part of the answer is easy. “But please don’t ask me what of.”
I am afraid of that place, of the shadows of my past. I am afraid that I’ve given my memories too much power, that they will swallow me whole.
I am afraid of death, but most of all I am afraid of being without you.
I swear I never used to be so scared, and I understand why the Institute used to encourage us to guard against our emotions. Loving someone is giving life the power to unravel you.
Let me unravel then, I dare it. Tear me apart. Hollow me out. Only don’t let me be without this.
“All right,” Nick whispers. He slides a hand around my back, and we trade a few kisses in the dark. Tears scratch at my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall.
“Ashe?”
“Why? Why did you have to be so perfect?”
Nick pauses. “I... I don't feel perfect. I just–”
“Try to do the right thing. I know. Every day you try to do the right thing. Every day you succeed at doing the goddamn right thing. I really wish I'd met you sooner. Then at least I'd have a hope of matching you on the good person front before I die a painful but hopefully not pointless death.”
“Don't.”
“I'm a realist.”
“So am I.” He rolls onto his elbows. “I chew food very loudly.”
“What?”
“It's one of the things that makes me not a good person. It drives Scarlet mad. I will 100% use the last of something and forget to replace it. I'm not patient with idiots. I'm also a very good liar, which is not a good thing. And... I've killed before, and not regretted it. I've seen it as the right thing to do. You, I think, have regretted every single one.”
I am quiet for a moment, remembering their faces. I have not forgotten.
“Don't think I'm perfect just because fate has been slightly kinder to me than you.”
“Not much kinder.”
Nick shrugs, as if the pain in his past pales compared to mine. Perhaps it does, but I am in no mood to compare. Pain is pain, and I feel his as keenly as I do my own.
“Do... do you believe in that? Fate, I mean?”
“I never used to. I believed your life was what you made it. That it was a fairy tale to believe that some things were just written.”
“That's what I believe too. What changed?”
“You,” Nick says simply. “I try to explain it, I try to rationalise it, and I come up wanting. It seems impossible that the way I feel for you isn't part of some great, cosmic plan. It's too large to be anything otherwise. I can't fit it into coincidental, fortunate, dumb luck. It won't go. You could tell me the universe h
ad no other plan but you and I meeting, and I would believe it.”
I swallow, his words trickling into me. “I don't believe in fate,” I tell him. “In fact, I rally against it. I rally against everything that seeks to control me. But I do believe in you.”
We slide together, and I kiss him until I feel light-headed, and this great cosmic universe slides into the abyss.
Chapter 67
We wake early, long before the others, and lie there in the silence. I try to memorise the sound of his heartbeat, the feeling of his breath against my ear. We do not speak.
Eventually, I hear quiet shuffling along the corridors, the pulling of people from beds, moving along to the mess hall. We join them all there a few minutes later. Mi and Scarlet are there as well, looking like they've barely slept either.
“Are we all ready?” Rudy booms quietly.
There is a silent chorus of nods.
“Then we'll head out.”
Everyone shuffles to their feet and moves towards the hangar.
“Wait!” I say, grabbing Mi's arm, “Where's Ben?”
“Fast asleep. It's like four in the morning.”
“I didn't say goodbye to him.”
I tucked him up last night, of course I did. I let him know Abi and I were going on a mission first thing, and that we would be back late. I told him not to worry, and he didn't seem to.
I said goodnight, but not goodbye.
“Give me two minutes!” I ask, and race back to the dormitories.
Ben is sleeping soundly when I get there, wrapped up snug in his blankets like the baby I used to carry around. I miss him being that little, even though I love seeing him grow into the person he's going to be.
Please, let me see that person.
I don't have the heart to wake him. I lean over and kiss his forehead instead. “Sleep well, my baby.”
He murmurs something softly in his sleep, and the words I wanted to say choke me. I brush back his hair and leave the room as silently as I entered.
Rudy glares at me when I arrive back at the hangar. “Are we ready now?”
“Perfectly.”
People quickly begin climbing into their assigned vans. Each has at least two people in it, a driver and a support, either medical or technical. Abi, Nick and myself are all travelling in the main one. As we double-check all our equipment is in place, Julia pulls me to the side.
“Ashe?”
“Yeah?”
“Don't... don't try to use your new abilities in there. No matter how desperate you get.”
“Don't worry, I'm not an idiot. Not going to risk burning my people down.”
“When you get back, we'll find something to help you. I know it might be scary at the moment, but we'll turn it into a gift.” She reaches out and touches my cheek. “You really are a firebird.”
I blush slightly. “Nick told you about that?”
“He loves you, and he's not very good at hiding it.”
Before I can think of anything to say in response to this, she throws her arms around me and pulls me into a brief hug. “Be safe,” she whispers, but her words are tight with others.
I climb into the van and buckle myself in. It is only after we start to move that I realise I forgot to say goodbye to Mi.
Chapter 68
We hurtle through the slums, out onto the old road, through frost-covered wilderness and countryside. The partition at the front is down and I can see it all unfold as the sun slowly rises.
It is a very quiet journey.
Eventually, Pilot starts to slow. Nick crawls into the front with a paper map, helping him locate the spot they must have picked out with Sia. We crawl to a stop. The other vans pass us, towards their destinations.
A few rations are passed around while we wait for Sia and the others. No one is particularly hungry, but I chew on a couple of crackers just for something to do. I can't stop thinking about forgetting to say goodbye to Mi. We spoke so briefly last night, he was too wrapped up in pretending he could play darts and talking to Scarlet. What if the last thing I said to him was where's Ben?
It'll be oddly appropriate. He'll certainly know to look after him. But there were other things I would like to have said.
Goodbye. Take care. I love you.
He knows all of these things, I just wish I'd had the chance to repeat them.
Finally, Sia arrives with Dor and Tiny. Tiny is, of course, massive. He is probably only around fifteen, but he looks like a giant baby, with a large round face and the stature of a titan. Dor is smaller, maybe about thirteen. He looks too young to be doing what we are going to do.
We go through the plan once more and load up. We need to make sure we're there for the shift changeover.
Nick packs my explosives himself, talking me through the detonation device, where everything needs to go, how far away I need to be.
“This might shock you,” I tell him, “but this is not the first time I've blown something up.”
“Right. Of course. I know. I'm just... really nervous. There's a lot riding on this.”
“I know. Big mission. Lots of people to save.”
“I don't... I don't mean like that.”
“I think I know that, too.”
He pulls the belt around my waist and clips it into place, his hands hanging there for a while longer than they should. Everybody else climbs out.
“I wish I was going with you,” he says quietly, his eyes not meeting mine.
“I know,” I tell him. “I'd want to go with you, too.”
“I wanted to tell you, that day in Rudy's study, when you said... when you said you never wanted to come back here... I wanted to tell you not to. I wanted to say, 'don't go. Let's just... run away’ or something. We could make it elsewhere.”
“Not a terrible idea.”
“It's silly,” he continues, “I wanted you to join us because I knew the good you could do, the amazing potential you had. I was as bad as your creators.”
“It never felt like that, to me.”
“I'd do anything now, to keep you safe. I understand now why you didn't want to fight to begin with. Why risk it, right? No future could be worth it. There's no better world for me without you in it.”
“I'm sorry,” I whisper.
“For what?”
“For making you feel this way.”
At this, Nick smiles weakly. “Somehow, it's still all worth it. I'd take our few weeks together over a lifetime of days without.”
I reach out to take his hand, but Nick is already pulling me towards him and onto his mouth. I crawl into his kiss. Every cell of me vibrates, as if longing to rip free of this mortal coil and shackle itself to his. But time does not stop for us, not this time. The moment is slithering away faster than I can hold on.
Someone knocks on the side of the van. Sia.
“We need to move,” she says shortly.
Nick and I part, our fingers taking a long time to untangle.
“Keep your comms on,” he insists. “It'll be like I'm there with you.”
You're always with me.
“And Ashe?”
“Yes?”
His eyes skim past me, as if examining our audience. “I'm really glad you stole those supplies that day.”
I nod, trying to laugh. “Me too.”
Chapter 69
We move swiftly to the spot that Abi has ear-marked, a spot virtually hidden from cameras and out of view from the only entrance. We wait for Abi's signal, and then leap over the wire fence, boosting each other up.
The wide stretch between the fence and the wall is carpeted by frost, but we make our way across it at record speed, stopping at the side entrance. Tiny presses his ear to the door; movement on the other side. We stand back and wait.
Three guards step out into the cold and are immediately dispatched. We pull their unconscious forms to the side, nab their key cards, and set our clocks. We need to move quickly before they are late reporting for duty at the main gate.
We slip into the compound. The main courtyard is deserted, but there are guards on the battlements above us and to the sides. We need to move carefully.
Abi signals for us to split. We nod.
Time to go.
She glances at me as we set off in different directions, and I can read her eyes as keenly as print. Take care. Good luck. Farewell.
I use one of the key cards to slide into the main building.
It is the one I know least well. We visited the laboratories a lot, but all I knew of this place was a dark corridor that connected it to the infirmary. It always had a strange quality to the air, a kind of palpable silence, that still reigns now. The quality of light reminds me of skies during a storm.
I always wondered what it held, why it was so large and visited so rarely. What could take up so much space?
I locate the stairs down to the server room, find the door, slide the key card against the pad and step inside.
Lights flicker on.
In the distance, I hear the sound of something brewing, and know that the others have reached the dormitories. But any feeling of relief, elation or excitement does not reach me.
The room is lined with hundreds of tanks, filled with greenish water, and bodies float in each and every one of them.
The attempt I made at breakfast crawls inside my stomach. It takes everything I have to keep it there.
I breathe sharply.
“Ashe? What's happening?” Nick’s voice sounds in my ear.
“They... they kept them...”
I know some of these people, these children. I don't see any as old as me. I suppose it never takes that long to work out whether or not they were effective. There's Echo-5, killed in a training accident when I was eleven, Delta-3 who lost to Adam... and Beta-2, who lost to me. There's Charlie-6, who couldn't control his senses... and Moona right next to him, her silvery hair floating around her head like a halo, brushing against the puckered mark in her temple.
Even in death, they couldn't rest. Many are scarred, their bodies pulled apart and stapled back together. Still experiments, even now. No sleep for them, no rest.
“Kept who?”
The Phoenix Project: Book I: Flight Page 28
