“I’m a machine,” he tried to explain. “I obey orders. I infiltrate and take down and kill. I fling myself into danger. I don’t even feel guilty about any of it anymore. How can you honestly tell me that the good Lord would want someone perfect like you with a monster like me? A monster who will most likely be dead tomorrow?”
Scarlett’s lips thinned, but she held her ground. “How can you honestly tell me that the good Lord wouldn’t want you to have a chance at redemption? He loves you, Griff. Of course He wants you to be happy.”
Griff shook his head. There was no way to come to an agreement here. Her perception was completely slanted from his view. “I understand that people can be forgiven for their sins, but not if they keep returning to that sin and never forsake it.”
She opened her mouth to protest, but Griff held up a hand. “I have no intention of quitting my work. I will continue to take down demented people to free the innocent, and that means I will continue to lie, cheat, steal, and kill to win against them, and eventually I’ll be killed by one of them. There is no world where purity like yours can exist with filth like me.”
A single tear crested Scarlett’s eyelid and rolled down her cheek. She brushed it angrily away with the back of her hand. “The part you have wrong is assuming you’re filthy, Griff. You’re not a monster; you’re not evil. Did you even listen to yourself? You’re freeing the innocent, giving your life to right wrongs. That’s the hero, my love.” She placed her palm over his heart. “This is the heart of a hero.”
Griff loved her words and her sincerity, but he couldn’t internalize it any more than he could allow this to continue. He let himself look at her beautiful face for a few seconds, savor the feel of her warm palm against his chest; then he prepared himself to break her heart all over again. He stepped back, and her hand fell to her side. “We’ll never see eye to eye on this. Never. You didn’t listen closely to what I pray for, Scarlett. I pray for you to move on, to find happiness with another man.” His voice broke as he said it, but he cleared his throat and continued. “If you truly love me, please do that. For me.” It was such a twisted request, but it was the only hope he had of protecting her and keeping her far from him and his role in life.
Scarlett’s eyes brightened with tears. She let out a choked sob, and then she ran around him and out of the room.
Griff stood without moving for several horrible minutes. Once again, he wanted to chase after her, but this was for the best. He said his prayer again that she’d forgive and forget and move on, but he added another request—for Sutton to find the man responsible for Scarlett’s hit and take him out. This job could not last much longer. Griff couldn’t handle being close to her yet not loving her.
Chapter Eighteen
Scarlett twisted and turned on the comfortable bed. She’d think at some point she’d be so exhausted she’d sleep, but today had been even worse than yesterday. She knew Griff loved her, but he thought he was protecting her by praying that she’d move on and not be part of his world. Move on to another man. He’d really said that, and he’d gotten choked up as he said it. It was obvious he didn’t really want that, but he was so selfless, so dense to how love worked and how desperately she loved him. The jerk thought moving on was the best thing for her. He wasn’t a jerk, though, and she’d had that insight into part of what he’d gone through. It was horrible and she should be strong enough to let him go, but she couldn’t do it.
She pounded her fists into the mattress as hot tears slid out of her eyes. She thought she’d been miserable without Griff. She was a million times more miserable with him in the next room. Maybe she was just a pathetic shell of a person. So many people claimed she was the nicest person they’d ever known, that she was independent, strong, and a role model. They didn’t know who she was deep down, didn’t know that inside she ached for Griff every moment of the day. Maybe Griff was right and it was time for her to pray that they could both move on. Pray that Griff would find redemption and joy in his work, and that she’d find someone else, or be happy alone. Alone sounded easier. The thought of not being with Griff jabbed into her like a hot poker.
She slipped out of bed and onto her knees, pouring out her pain, her regrets, her anguish, and her hopes and dreams. No matter what Griff said, she simply couldn’t bring herself to pray that she’d move on. Instead, she prayed that somehow his heart would be softened and he would understand his worth in Heavenly Father’s eyes and in hers.
“Jane!” The scream from Griff’s room yanked her head off of her folded arms. Another nightmare?
She murmured a quick amen and ran for her bedroom door. If this wasn’t an answer to prayers, she’d know soon enough, but she wasn’t giving up on the good Lord, or on Griff. Flinging her door open, she hurried to his door, but forced herself to slow down so she wouldn’t jolt him awake like she had last night. She pushed on the handle and the door. It swung silently open. Scarlett crept into the room. Griff had kicked off the covers and he was curled on his side. The light of the moon off the snow gave her enough clarity to see the deep scars on his back.
As she got closer, she heard him moan her name, and then his body shuddered. His face looked younger, but it was wracked with as much pain as she’d seen earlier today. He looked weaker than she’d ever seen him. Not that Griff could ever be weak. Maybe vulnerable was a better word to describe him—sleeping, but not at peace. It had to mean something that in his sleep he called for her.
She placed her hand on his shoulder and whispered, “Griff.”
He shot up in bed and yelled, “Jane!” His eyes were wild.
“I’m here,” Scarlett tried to soothe him. She put both hands on his chest. “It’s okay, Griff. I’m here.”
“Oh, thank the good Lord,” he grunted out. He reached up and pulled her onto his lap.
Scarlett gasped in surprise. His face was inches from hers. His eyes were still a little unfocused, but they were also hungry as they drank her in.
“I love you,” he said fervently, and he pulled her in tight against him and captured her mouth with his.
Scarlett returned the kiss with all the love and passion she’d been storing up for him. Her arms wrapped around his neck and she was swept away as they savored each other, the connection that had always overwhelmed her when Griff kissed her. Griff’s hands cradled her close and his mouth worked its magic. His lips were much softer than the rest of him, but he didn’t take the kiss soft or easy. This was the kiss of a man who was hungry for his love, and she savored each movement of his lips, his strong body surrounding her, and his clean, fresh scent.
Scarlett didn’t know how long they kissed, and she didn’t care. All she cared about was Griff. Oh, how she adored this tough, hardened, and beautiful man.
He finally pulled back. His breath was ragged and his blue eyes were very, very clear. “Oh, Scarlett. I shouldn’t have.”
“Don’t you dare, Griff Quinn.” She shook a finger at him. “Don’t you dare regret that kiss, or I’ll … punch my fist down your throat.”
Griff’s eyes widened; then he chuckled. He sobered and his eyes tenderly roved over her face, a gentle caress so full of love it made her quiver. “Ah, Jane. Why do you make this so tough?”
She brought her palms along his neck and to his chest, savoring the muscle under her fingertips. Griff let out a soft moan, and she loved it. “You’re the one making this tough. Just kiss me, Griff.”
Griff swallowed hard and stared at her. She could feel the quick thrum of his heartbeat under her right palm, and she knew her heart was going even faster. He tenderly framed her face with his hands, and she ran her hands over his shoulders and down to his biceps.
“Yes, ma’am,” he murmured, and then he was kissing her again. Rational thought disappeared, but Scarlett did find herself hoping he didn’t think this was tough or she really would punch him, see how hard those lovely abs of his really were. She clung to his biceps and he trailed his hands along her cheeks and into her hair. The kiss cont
inued with the perfect amount of pressure from Griff’s mouth, and the nerve endings in her lips were all lit up with the pleasure and sheer joy of it.
Griff was the first one to break away—of course. He scooted back, resting his back against the pillows and headboard, and he gently lifted her off his lap and next to him on the bed. He wrapped one arm around her lower back and cupped her cheek with his other hand, pulling her head down to his chest and simply cradling her close.
Scarlett loved laying her head against his chest, feeling the warm flesh, hearing his heartbeat, but she was scared right now. Griff hadn’t pushed her away, but she knew he wasn’t going to just soften and agree to be with her because he’d said he loved her and they’d shared some unreal kisses.
When she could take it no longer, she pulled back slightly and looked up at him. His hand fell down to cup her hip. His face was much too serious.
“What are you thinking?” she forced herself to ask.
Griff tilted his head toward her. “I’m thinking how beautiful you are.”
Scarlett smiled, waiting for him to shatter the moment.
“And I’m thinking how stupid I’ve been to not have spent the last four days kissing you.”
Scarlett laughed, but inside she knew the ball was going to drop and she’d have to fight for the ground she’d just gained.
“You don’t agree?” he asked, arching an eyebrow at her.
“I’ve been begging you to kiss me since you came to my house that first night.”
“You have?” His eyes filled with wonder.
“I don’t want to call you an idiot again, but you are horrific at picking up on nonverbal cues.”
Griff laughed. “I don’t think any person has dared call me an idiot, a jerk, or stupid before.”
“I’m sure they thought it.” She winked. “Why do you let me get away with it?”
His gaze deepened. “You should know. You’re the only person I love this deeply.” Griff lifted her back onto his lap, and she wrapped her arms around his neck again. “I thought it would be smarter to not let myself kiss you like I’ve been dreaming of.” His breath was coming hard and fast. “But apparently tonight I am an idiot.”
Scarlett smiled. “As long as you’re an idiot for me.”
“Always, Jane.” He tugged her tight and proceeded to tell her with his lips what he’d never fully conveyed with words—he adored her, he’d give anything for her, and she was the only woman he’d ever loved. His lips were warm and thirsty, and he did not kiss her slow and languidly. He kissed her like a man who had been longing for her for many years. She matched his need with a growing desire of her own. She was the first one to deepen the kiss, and he let out a soft moan before making her mouth tingle as he returned the action.
When he pulled back, he tenderly kissed her jaw, then her neck. His lips lingered there. “I’ve missed your neck,” he breathed into her skin.
Scarlett framed his face and pulled him up level with her. “More than my lips?”
Griff gave her a slow grin, his eyes smoldering with desire for her. “It’s a toss-up.”
“Jerk.”
“I am.”
Scarlett smiled and waited for him to kiss her again. She moistened her lips and ran her thumbs along his jaw, savoring being so close to him, and she waited.
Griff leaned away from her instead. “Aw, Jane, I am such a jerk.”
“What?” No, no, no!
“I can’t be kissing you, loving you, when I know I’ll leave you again.” His arms loosened around her, but at least he didn’t push her away. “This is what I’ve been trying to avoid … hurting you more. If you’d never discovered how much I still love you, wouldn’t it be easier when I disappear from your life again?”
Scarlett’s heart thudded painfully. She wanted to beg him to not disappear, but she knew that wasn’t reality. She’d had quite the crash course in reality since Griff Quinn reappeared in her life. Reality stunk, and it hurt, but it was also beautiful. Griff was beautiful, no matter that he’d scoff if she said that. Loving him was hard but beautiful to her. She wasn’t truly real with anyone in her life, except him. She was real with Griff, and he was real to her.
“I’m calling a truce, a cease-fire, waving the white flag,” she said.
Griff stared at her like she was delusional.
“I’m done with the battle, Griff. I can’t convince you how perfectly wonderful you are to me, and you can’t convince me that we’ll never be together. So we can either be miserable and fight about it, or we can dump the battle and savor what time we have.”
Griff’s eyes widened. “But what about when I have to leave you?”
Scarlett kissed him softly. “Then I’ll pray you can come back to me.”
Griff’s chest heaved with emotion. He pulled her in tighter and whispered against her forehead, “I love you so much, Jane, but I’m still terrified that you’re living in a fantasy world, that you don’t understand what or who I am.”
“You’re the man I love, Griff. That’s all that matters to me.”
Griff kissed her passionately, and by the time he released her, she was hearing wedding bells and seeing him in a tux. She knew that might never be reality, so she forced herself to stay in the moment.
“What do you want from me?” he asked in a rough voice. If Scarlett didn’t know him better, she’d think he was tearing up.
“I just want you,” she said.
“What if you can’t have me?”
Scarlett looked up at him. “I have you right now, Griff. That’s all that matters. Just hold me tonight and we’ll take it one day at a time. As long as you don’t shut me out or give up on us again, we can make it through anything.”
“Even death?”
His eyes were scared. She knew he’d seen many deaths. Scarlett had never seen death in real life. What she wouldn’t give to take his pain and memories away.
She lifted herself closer and cradled his handsome face in her hands. “Even death, my love. This world isn’t the end, and if one of us gets left behind, don’t you want to have these memories of being together until we can be reunited in heaven?”
Griff simply stared at her. He didn’t scoff or disagree, but he didn’t agree either. Instead he carefully lifted her onto the bed next to him and laid her on her back. He then slid down next to her and cradled her against his chest. “I love you, Jane,” he whispered gruffly.
“I love you, Griff.”
She lay there in the circle of his arms, one hand on his chest, savoring the connection with him. Griff loved her. He’d always protect her, and he wanted to be there for her, but he couldn’t promise that.
They were at an uneasy cease-fire, where he could retreat from her emotionally at any moment. They might never come to terms and end the battle, but tonight she was going to enjoy being close to him. She wouldn’t spoil it by thinking about what tomorrow might bring. She knew that all too soon he would leave her again, physically if not emotionally. There was no way to avoid it, no matter what either of them wanted.
Chapter Nineteen
Griff had another crappy night’s sleep, but he couldn’t have cared less. He’d held Scarlett throughout the long, beautiful night, her lovely form pressed close to him, her soft hair tickling his chest. He’d loved every minute of it.
Now the sun was peeking over the mountains and glaring through the windows. He smiled as he thought of Scarlett worrying about him not being able to handle too much sunshine, asking if that’s why he didn’t want her. He’d told her he wanted her plenty, and that was the truth. He gazed down at her beautiful face, peaceful in sleep. He wanted her more than anything in this world, but she was right about their battle. While a cease-fire was a nice idea, it couldn’t last when neither party could see where the other was coming from. She talked bravely about death, but had she seen death in real life, off the movie screen? He doubted it, or she wouldn’t be so brave.
He closed his eyes, and horrific images resurfaced
. People claimed he was brave. He’d definitely done his share of brave, and stupid, jobs for the SEALs and for Sutton, but inside he wasn’t brave at all. He was terrified to die, terrified to leave his family and Scarlett, and terrified to face his Maker and atone for the atrocities he’d committed. Yet he still plunged into battle every chance he got. It must be ingrained in his soul. His reaction was to fight and protect, and he’d never withdrawn from the battle or the consequences, for anyone or any reason.
Scarlett shifted and let out the cutest little moan. Griff was brought back to the beautiful reality of having her next to him. She was right about one thing—they should savor this time, because the dream of them spending their lives together, having children, growing old and gray? That was an impossible dream.
Her eyelashes fluttered, and then those green eyes that he loved so much were staring up at him. “Morning, handsome,” she murmured.
“Morning, beautiful.”
“What fun adventures do you have planned for us today—snowmobile ride, Just Dance competition, fighting with wolves?” She arched a delicate eyebrow.
Griff wanted to kiss her all day. Instead he released her, climbed off the bed, and offered her a hand. Scarlett placed her hand in his, and he helped her to her feet. “How about we work out and then make breakfast together?”
“Ah, the safe choice—you couldn’t keep up with me snowmobiling or dancing, and the wolves are too scared of us to come back.” She squeezed his hand and grinned.
Griff chuckled. “All true.”
She released his hand and turned as if to go, but she stopped. “We’re still at white flag status, correct?” She looked up at him, so appealing that he could hardly resist kissing her.
He nodded.
The relief in her eyes made him realize all over again how much he’d hurt her for so many years. Guilt made his stomach churn.
Quinn Family Romance Collection Page 51
