by Ivy Smoak
I went through the time difference in my head. "It's after 10 o'clock in London. What meeting would he have so late?"
"I'm not sure. But he said he'd call you once it adjourns. I should get started on those resumes. And I'll schedule the appointment with the exterminator as well. Anything else on your mind?"
"No. Thank you, Porter."
"Have a good evening," he said with a nod. He closed the front door behind him. I heard the click of the lock, knowing perfectly well that Porter would stop anyone unlocking that door if it wasn't someone who was allowed to come in.
Chapter 29
Sunday
I stared at the T.V. screen, but I wasn't really focused on the show. I glanced down at my phone again. It had been an hour since Porter had called James. Yet James still hadn't called me back. Which meant it was now past 11 o'clock in London. Much too late for a business meeting. I looked down at the t-shirt I was wearing. I had pulled it out of the hamper, so it still smelled like him. Here I was, missing him like crazy. What on earth was he doing?
I was tempted to Google him on my phone. Paparazzi loved to follow James. There were probably photos of him from this evening. Instead, I picked up my phone and clicked on Melissa's name. It had been far too long since I had called her.
"Penny!"
I smiled and leaned back on the couch. "Hey, Melissa. How's Texas treating you?"
"It's hot. No one told me how hot it would be."
I laughed. "Trust me, it's hot here too."
"I've actually been meaning to call you. I know I talked about it a ton, but I officially took a week off of work when the baby is due. I figured I needed to ingrain in the baby's head that I'm the favorite aunt right off the bat."
I laughed. "God, I miss you so much."
"I miss you too, Penny. And Josh has never even seen your place. He thinks his mansion down here is as nice as your apartment in the city. It's great and everything, but it's no Manhattan penthouse."
"Josh is coming too?"
"Mhm."
I smiled. "That's going to be so much fun. I mean...minus the fact that I'm going to be exhausted and no fun at all." I looked down at my huge tummy.
"Nonsense. You were so fun after you gave birth to Scarlett. Or maybe I was just too obsessed with your beautiful baby to notice you were being a total bore."
I laughed. "Thanks."
"Two months and we'll be hanging out just like old times. Except with your children cramping our style. I'm so excited!"
"Me too." A beeping noise made me pull my phone away from my ear. "I'm sorry, Melissa, but James is on the other line and I've been waiting for his call all day..."
"Say no more. I need to finish getting ready for dinner. It's our one year anniversary. Well, new one year. If you don't count when we dated in college."
"I bet he's going to take you some place glamorous."
"Always. I love you, Penny. Call me more often."
"I will, I promise." I clicked on the incoming call. "James! I was starting to think something happened to you."
"No, baby. I've just had tons of meetings today. I only just got back to the hotel."
Hearing his voice calmed me. "Meetings that last until 11?"
He laughed. "London is just as electric as New York. You know how business dinners go."
"I do. I just missed you. And then I found out you didn't take Briggs and you know how I worry."
"I left two girls at home that need our security detail more than I do," he said. "Speaking of which, put our beautiful daughter on the phone for me."
"Your beautiful daughter has been a terror since you left. She's spending the night at Rob's. You've created a monster."
"Me?" He laughed.
I smiled and pressed the phone harder against my ear. "I love your laugh. I miss you so much when you're gone."
"I miss you too, Penny."
There were some static noises on the line and then a long pause.
I moved the phone to my other ear. "James? Are you still there?"
"I'm here."
"I was thinking that we should hire another person for our security detail. So you don't have to travel alone."
"Spread your legs, baby."
I laughed. "What?"
"You're all alone. Spread your legs for me."
I looked up at the camera in the corner of the family room. I didn't think I'd ever be comfortable knowing that either Porter or Briggs could be watching. James' assurance that they didn't watch us when our clothes were off wasn't that convincing. He said they were required to check the cameras every five minutes to verify that everything was in order, but that was it. To me, that just verified the fact that they looked, regardless of whatever we were doing. And that meant that they had seen us in very compromising positions. Quite often. It also meant they were watching me now. I swallowed hard. "James, the cameras. You know, it's been over three years since our wedding night. Not a single bad thing has happened to us since. Not one. We're safe. We need to discuss the cameras again."
"I was actually just starting to like the cameras. Did you know that you could access them remotely?"
I frowned and stared at the camera in the corner. "You're watching me?"
"I want to see you touch yourself."
My heart raced at his words. "But Porter and Briggs can see."
"I can see. And right now, I need to see you trail your fingers up the inside of your thigh."
We'd had phone sex before. When he was away on business. But not like this. Not with him watching me. "James, I don't think..."
"Baby, I need you. I'm so fucking hard."
I pressed my lips together.
"Let me hear you," he said. "Let me see you."
I closed my eyes, blocking out the camera, trying not to think about the fact that James might not be the only one watching. I leaned back on the couch and slowly traced my hand up my thigh.
James groaned. "Just like that, baby."
I knew he was jerking off to this. I could easily picture him with his hand wrapped around his erection, staring at me through his computer screen.
"Touch yourself."
I grabbed the sides of my thong to lower it.
"No. Push the fabric to the side. Like we don't have much time. Like I'm about to fuck you hard and fast. Just the way you like it."
I pushed the fabric to the side and let my fingers slip between my legs. I was so fucking wet.
"Imagine it's my tongue."
And I moaned, because I knew exactly what that would feel like.
"Fuck. Penny." His voice sounded strained. "Pump your hand faster."
I followed his instructions.
"Rub your clit with your thumb. Imagine it's me fucking you hard."
"James," I moaned.
"Harder."
I moved my hand faster.
"You're soaking wet for me, aren't you?"
"Yes," I said breathlessly.
"You like when I watch you touch yourself."
It wasn't a question. He knew I liked it. He could see how much I liked it. "James."
"You're so fucking sexy, baby. You're gonna make me cum so hard."
I liked when he talked to me like this.
"Open your eyes and look at the camera. Look at me when you come."
I slowly opened my eyes.
"I wish it was my cock. My fingers. My tongue. God, I love the taste of you. Baby, let me taste you. Lose control. Show me how much you love my tongue. Show me how much your pussy needs me. Show me, baby."
Jesus, that dirty mouth. I felt myself start to pulse around my fingertips. "James," I moaned.
"Fuck," he hissed. By the way he was breathing, I knew he was losing control too. "Fuck," he said again and sighed. "You're so beautiful."
I pulled my fingers out of myself and awkwardly wiped them off on my shirt. I immediately closed my legs and looked away from the camera.
"Baby, look at me."
I glanced back at the camera.
"You're perfect. So fucking perfect." His voice was heavy with lust.
"James, I'm seven months pregnant."
"You are. And just as beautiful as ever. Let me talk to the one on the way."
I smiled. "I'll put you on speaker."
"No, just...just put the phone up to your stomach. I need to have a private conversation with her."
Her. I shook my head. "He'll be happy to hear from you. One sec." I pulled the phone away from my ear and put it up to my stomach.
I turned away from the camera again. I was seven months pregnant and Porter and Briggs were probably watching. They probably saw me looking at the camera. I could feel my face turning red. Would they know James was looking too? Or would they think I was looking at the camera for them? God, I was so embarrassed. It had already been several seconds. James was probably done talking to our baby. I clicked on the speakerphone just to check.
"Your mother has the biggest heart in the world," he said. "Please don't break it. Please don't break mine. And don't come a week late like your sister. We need you to come right around your due date, alright? We're excited to meet you."
Tears formed in the corners of my eyes. I should have taken the phone off speaker. He hadn't wanted me to hear him talking. He didn't want me to know he was begging our baby not to hurt me.
The line was silent. I hit it off speaker and pulled the phone back to my ear. "James?"
There was a long pause. "Why are you crying?"
I looked up at the camera. I forgot that he could see me. Did he know I had hit speaker phone? I'm sure the camera was the best quality. But it was just a small button. He probably didn't know. "I miss you so much. And I'm...hungry."
He laughed. "Then eat something."
"There's nothing to eat. I'm out of ice cream."
"Put it on the list for Ellen tomorrow. And I'm flying back tomorrow afternoon. Just a few meetings early and then I'm done."
I didn't try to hold back my smile. I beamed up at the camera. "You should have started the conversation with that."
"It would have been harder to convince you to have phone sex if you knew I'd be back tomorrow."
I shook my head. "Were they watching?"
There was another awkward pause. "I told you that they don't watch. They just...glance."
"Maybe it's time to get rid of the cameras altogether? I'd feel so much more comfortable if they were gone."
"We can talk about it when I get back."
"I should let you get some sleep."
"I love you, Penny. So much. And you're still feeling okay? No swollen ankles or..."
"I actually feel really great. No chest pains at all today. I'm good."
He exhaled slowly, like he had been holding his breath. "I'll be back before you know it."
"And I'll be waiting. Goodnight, James." I looked up at the camera.
"I love you with all my heart. I'll finally be able to smile again when you're back in my arms. Goodnight, Penny."
Smile again? "James." But no response came. He had already hung up.
Chapter 30
Sunday
I remembered James' proposal like it happened yesterday. I hated being away from him. And most of all, I hated having to sleep without him. I was terrible at sleeping alone, constantly reaching out for him, being jarred awake by my hand touching empty sheets. So I had skipped ahead in the book I was writing. To one of my favorite moments. Him proposing. But now I felt as jarred as when I touched empty sheets.
"Because life without this feeling, the feeling that you give me, isn't a life that I'm interested in at all."
I leaned back in my chair and stared at the line. Maybe I remembered it wrong. Maybe I was paraphrasing and missed some important aspect of that sentence. I bit the inside of my lip. Smile again. That's what he had said to me on the phone earlier. Like he had been walking around London in a foul mood because I wasn't beside him. This line fit with that. Really, everything he did fit with that.
It was tempting to call him. I glanced at the time in the corner of my computer and quickly calculated the time difference. It was 4 a.m. in London. If I called, he'd be worried something had happened. And although I hadn't been hungry for anything but ice cream, and therefore hadn't eaten all night, I felt fine. I still felt better than I had a few weeks ago. There was no reason for him to worry.
I reached for my mouse, with the intent of shutting my computer down. Instead, I opened up a new document. Ever since I had found out about my heart murmur, I had meant to write a will. And now that I didn't feel sick, it didn't seem as horrid of a task. It didn't seem final. It just felt like something I needed to check off a to-do list.
Nothing in this house really belonged to me. Maybe you could say our wedding presents were technically half mine. But besides those and a few things I had kept from college, everything was James'. I didn't have anything to leave anyone. Staring at the blank screen made me realize exactly what I wanted. And it had nothing to do with divvying up material things. I took a deep breath and let my fingers fly over the keys.
James,
If you're reading this, we both know what happened. I don't need to say it. And all I can say is that I understand what you're feeling. Like your heart hurts. Like you don't know if you'll ever smile again. Like the world has stopped. Like the only thing you can see for miles is darkness.
You see, I almost lost you once. I know that feeling. My mother found me falling apart in a bathroom stall at the hospital. And she told me something that really stuck with me. She told me that you have to keep living in order to keep the memory of those you love alive. And I'm asking you to do that for me. Remind Scarlett of who I was. Tell stories to our son. Don't let me disappear to our children. Don't let them forget how much I loved them.
Maybe that seems like the hardest thing in the world. But what I'm about to ask you to do, it may just be harder. I need you to keep the memory of me alive to our children. But I need you to let the memories of me with you fade. Because I need you to keep your heart open. Keep loving. Keep living. I need you to let me go.
All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy. And even though it feels like the world has stopped, it hasn't. Because despite what you think, there is so much light in this world. There's so much light in you.
Remind Scarlett that I love her. Tell our son I wished I could have met him. And find a new love for yourself. You've always been stronger than you realized. But it's okay to lean on your family and friends. Let them help you. Let them in. Don't shut out everyone who cares about you. Because despite how it feels, you are not alone. You're strong. You're good. You're whole. You're loved. You are so loved, James.
Now smile,
Penny
I wiped away the tears on my cheeks and pressed the print button. The printer whirred to life. And then I was left with one sheet. One sheet that felt like it held the weight of the world. My family's future and wellbeing all depending on James listening to this. I folded the paper, put it in an envelope, and sealed it. I wrote James on the front and set it back down on my desk.
I had asked him to keep living once. He had denied my request. Then I had begged him to not move on. He had accepted my request. I just hoped that him reading this would nullify anything else we had talked about. That he'd be able to read this and know it's what I truly wanted. He had to know.
I stood up from my computer and stretched. Tomorrow, I'd deliver the letter to our lawyer. He could file it away. And hopefully James would never have to read it. I wandered out of my office and up the stairs, exhausted, yet knowing that sleep wouldn't come. I struggled when James was gone. It was hard to sleep without his arms around me. Without him whispering he loved me before bed. I tried not to think about the roles being reversed. And how hard it would be to keep living without him. Because, honestly, I had given up on life when he almost died. I thought my heart would stop beating the moment his did. Even though I was pregnant. Even though I wanted to keep the memory of him alive. I just hoped
to God that he was stronger than me.
I crawled into bed, pulled the covers up to my chin, and stared at the ceiling. The smell of James on the shirt I was wearing just made me more aware of the fact that he wasn't beside me. I rolled over onto my side. My son immediately started kicking my ribcage. Ow. The time on the alarm clock stared back, mocking me. Sleep wasn't going to come like this. I pushed the covers off of myself and made my way back downstairs.
A shiver ran down my spine as I stepped off the bottom stair. For some reason the image of Rob lying unconscious at the base of the staircase popped into my head. The pool of blood. Isabella holding the gun. I swallowed hard and made my way into the kitchen. Maybe Axel was right. Maybe it was scary down here. Or maybe my mind was too preoccupied by killer snakes.
"What's wrong? Are you hungry?" I said into the nothingness. "Is that why you won't let me sleep?"
I opened up the fridge and stared at the contents. But I wasn't hungry. Ow. I put my hand on the center of my chest. No, not this again. I closed the refrigerator door. It's just in my head. I made my way back up the stairs, clutching the handrail whenever the sharp pain returned. I'm okay. When I finally reached the bed, I curled up on James' side.
"We're okay," I said into the silence, even though pools of tears were forming in my eyes. It felt like it had the night James and I had fought about dishes. When I had fallen asleep on the floor because it hurt too much to reach the bed. It's just in my head. I curled into a ball. We're okay.
Chapter 31
Monday
"Scar's at Hunter Tech?" I asked as I poured myself a glass of orange juice.
"She refused to go home," Daphne said through the phone. "She wanted to go to the office with Rob."
I set my glass down on the counter and sighed. "I'll go get her now."
"It's fine. Rob said it was a light day at the office anyway. He'll bring her by around lunchtime."
"Are you sure? I don't want her ruining his day." And I strongly doubted that it was a light day. If it was, he probably would have accompanied James to London.
"Scarlett's a doll. She doesn't ruin anyone's day."
