by Ivy Smoak
"There," my dad said and pointed to a baby in the corner. I stared at my son through the glass. There were tubes attached to him everywhere. Tubes to help him breathe. Tubes to help him hold on. He had my dark hair. And my nose. But I felt nothing. Nothing except for a familiar itch in the back of my head. A feeling of emptiness. A desire to do anything to escape from numbness.
My son needed me. But I didn't need him. I took a step back from the glass. All I needed was my wife. And she was dying. I could almost feel it. Like a part of my own heart was failing. The side of my face twitched.
"He looks a lot like you," my dad said.
I shook my head. None of this felt real. The tubes and wires were the only things keeping him alive. He was so small. He'd probably fit in my hand. He was too young to be born. It wasn't right. None of this was right. He needed to be in his mother's arms. Not shut off from the world. Like me.
"What did they say when they told you about the baby?" I asked.
"That he has to stay in the NICU for awhile. He has anemia and they've already done one blood transfusion. But his lungs are fairly strong so he doesn't need a ventilator. Just that little machine over his mouth. A CPAP I believe they said. They also mentioned that skin to skin contact is good for preemies, if you want to hold him."
Preemies. I still felt nothing. "Is he going to live?"
"The doctors seem optimistic."
I nodded and turned away from the window. "What did they say about Penny?"
"That she's still in surgery."
"That's it?"
"And that they had to do an emergency C-section. That's all they said. Come say hello to her parents. They could use a familiar face."
I nodded and walked away from the window without looking back at my son.
"Daddy!" Scarlett yelled as she scrambled out of Mrs. Taylor's lap.
I lifted her into my arms without really looking at her.
Mrs. Taylor's face was pinched, like she had been crying and willed herself to stop. I didn't know what to say to her. Or to Penny's dad, who had just stood up.
But I didn't have to say a word. He just gave me a nod, clapped me on the back, and sat back down next to his wife.
I couldn't sit here with them. I couldn't comfort them in any way. My daughter squirmed in my arms. It was like she could sense I didn't want her there. Like she felt like a dead weight. Like she no longer belonged in my arms. I needed to be out of the hospital. What I really needed was a drink. I tried to hide the twitch of my eye.
Someone clearing their throat made me turn my head. A doctor I didn't recognize had just walked through the swinging doors. He looked exhausted. Like it was his own life hanging in the balance.
I put Scarlett down, even though she started to cry. "Someone take her," I snapped as I walked over to him.
The doctor eyed me curiously. "James Hunter?" he asked.
"Is my wife okay?" The desperation in my tone didn't even make him flinch. He was the complete opposite of my lawyer. Composed. Used to delivering bad news to families.
He looked over my shoulder at the whole waiting room coming over toward us. "We had no choice but to put her on life support." His eyes met mine again.
I heard Penny's mom start to cry.
"Mr. Hunter, we need to have a word in private." He nodded down the hall.
"What does that mean exactly?" I asked as I followed him. "Did some of her organs shut down? Is she breathing on her own?"
"There is no easy way to put this, so I'll be frank with you, Mr. Hunter," he said as he came to a stop, out of earshot of my family. "There were high levels of poison in her blood. We pumped her stomach, but we're not sure how long it's been in her system, or what the extent of the damage is. We sent some lab samples out. We should hear back shortly."
"Poison? What are you talking about? Did someone poison my wife? Why aren't the police here? Why aren't you telling them this?"
"Mr. Hunter," he said and put his hand on my shoulder. "Nine times out of ten this is an intentional thing."
I stared at him. "Exactly. Someone intentionally poisoned my wife. We need to call the police."
The doctors eyes softened. "I meant intentional on her part. Suicide," he added, when I had no reaction. "There's no reason to suspect foul play."
I shook my head.
"Have you noticed any signs of depression or..."
"No." I shrugged his hand off my shoulder. "I need to see my wife."
"She's unresponsive. She's not awake, let alone speaking, and..."
"I need to see my wife," I said again, cutting him off.
He nodded. "We just moved her to room 502 of the ICU. She can only have one visitor at a time."
"When is she going to wake up?" I had already started walking toward the elevators.
"It's not a question of when, Mr. Hunter. It's a question of if. And I don't have an answer for you."
I slammed my fist against the button with an up arrow.
"Mr. Hunter?"
I tried to ignore him and hit the button again. The doors slowly opened.
"Some of the damage is irreversible. We had to remove..."
I stepped on. The dinging of the doors closing blocked out the rest of the sentence. I didn't care what they had to remove. I didn't care if they amputated her fucking leg. I just needed her heart to still be beating. I needed her to be in my arms.
As soon as the elevator doors opened, I ran down the hall. "Room 502," I said to a nurse standing at a desk.
She pointed down the hall.
I continued to run until I saw the room marked 502. I pushed through the door and froze. Penny. Her face was pale. She had as many tubes and wires as my son had. But this time I felt something. Agony. An ache in my chest. I closed my eyes. This isn't happening.
Suicide, my lawyer had said. Intentional, the doctor said.
I walked over and put my hand on top of hers.
Ice.
The side of my face twitched. My wife had always been so warm. Her skin. Her soul. Come back to me. My tears stung my eyes and I dropped her hand.
"Is it true?" I said into the silence. "Did you want to leave me? Did you hate our life that much?"
I needed to hear her voice. I needed to see her smile. I placed my forehead on her hand. She didn't even smell like my wife. She smelled like hand sanitizer and death.
I stepped away from her.
She wanted to die.
I buried my hands in my hair.
She hated her life.
I backed up, bumping into one of the machines.
She didn't want me.
"Why, Penny? Why was this life not enough? Why wasn't I enough?" I realized I was shouting and no one could hear me. What the fuck was I doing? Why would I believe the word of some incompetent lawyer? And a doctor that probably couldn't even distinguish my wife from any other patient?
I stepped forward and knelt by Penny's hospital bed. "I'm sorry. Baby, please forgive me." I grabbed her hand again and tried to ignore the feeling of ice. "I know you didn't do this. I'm sorry." I touched the side of her cold face. "We have a son. Wake up." I slid my hand to the side of her neck. "You have to wake up now. We need you."
She lay there, frozen in time.
"I need you." I closed my eyes. I couldn't look at her like this. "Baby. You know I can't do this alone."
"Please be gentle," a nurse said from behind me.
I didn't realize how hard I was holding on to her. I let go of the side of her neck and winced at the white spots I had left on her skin. I quickly stood up. The worst part was that Penny didn't even look peaceful. She looked like she was in pain. I slowly backed out of the room. I couldn't be here. I couldn't breathe in this fucking hospital.
Chapter 39
Monday
"We're going home," I said and pulled Scarlett off the floor where she was coloring.
"Is Mommy going to be at home?"
"No, pumpkin."
"But I want Mommy."
"I can g
o fetch whatever you need," Ellen said and bustled over to us. "Let me be of some use."
"No, that's okay. Scarlett's tired. I'm taking her home."
"I'm not tired, Daddy."
"We'll be back later," I said to everyone without looking at them.
"No! I want Mommy!" She squirmed out of my grip and plopped back down on the floor with her arms folded across her chest.
"We're leaving," I said more sternly.
"I want my Mommy!" She started crying. "Where's Mommy?"
Rob and Daphne were staring at me. My dad was staring at me. Penny's parents were staring at me. I took a step back. I couldn't do this. I couldn't comfort them. I was barely holding on.
Twitch.
I turned around and pushed through the doors to the stairs.
"James!" Rob called after me.
I started running.
Twitch.
God, I needed something to hold on to.
With each step, I knew I should turn around. I knew everything that mattered was back in that hospital. But for some reason, I couldn't hold on to my family and friends. I needed air. I tried to breathe in the stale air of the city, but it was stifling.
***
"How is she?" Porter asked as soon as I stepped out of the elevator in our apartment building.
"I need you to bring me the surveillance footage from when I was away."
"Okay. But, James, how is she?"
Could I trust him?
Twitch.
No. Someone had poisoned my wife. I had no idea who it was. "She's on life support."
Porter pressed his lips together and shook his head. "And what about the baby?"
What about the baby? That baby was part of the reason why my wife was lying in the hospital unresponsive. "Just get me the footage." I brushed past him and opened the door to our apartment.
I closed my eyes as soon as the door closed and breathed in the smell of our home. I could imagine Penny lifting her head from the book she was reading in the kitchen. A smile spreading over her face as she dropped it on the counter. Me pushing her back, taking her against the granite.
My eyes flashed open and I quickly walked through the foyer, kitchen, and hall. I pushed open the door to her office and closed my eyes again. It smelled more like her than the rest of the house. It was almost like she was here with me. The memory came in a flash.
"James, I'm writing," Penny said and tried to swat me away.
I continued to kiss the side of her neck. I knew exactly what she had been writing about. I had been reading every word in the other room. She was writing about me fucking her against a tree in the middle of the golf course. It made me hard just thinking about it.
She hadn't started to show yet, pregnant with our second child. Her hair was in a knot on the top of her head and she was biting her lip as she concentrated. So fucking beautiful. I kissed the side of her neck again.
"James, I need to focus. I've barely written a thing today. And Scar will be home soon."
All of that was true. But she had just written about my cock fucking her sweet pussy. And reading about it didn't do it justice. I needed to feel her. I wanted to reminisce too.
"Baby, I'm so fucking hard for you."
She laughed. "Can't you wait a few hours until we've put Scarlett to sleep?"
I ran my hand down the front of her tank top and hooked my fingers around her waistband.
She tried to slap me away again.
"Baby, I don't want to wait." I moved my hand lower, brushing my fingers against her clit. "And it doesn't really feel like you want to either."
She moaned.
"What exactly are you writing about? You're so fucking wet." I bit her earlobe.
"James."
I slid a finger inside of her.
"Fine, you win." She tilted her head back and gave me that smile that always seemed to stop my heart. "Scar's going to be home any minute, though. You better get busy."
I laughed. "I'm five seconds ahead of you." I pushed the papers off her desk, grabbed her waist, and placed her on top of the desk. I pulled her shorts and thong down to her knees, not bothering to drag them all the way off, and thrust inside of her.
"God!" She spread her legs and leaned back slightly, knowing perfectly well what angle I liked best.
I reached my hand under her tank-top, pushed aside her bra, and grabbed a handful of her perky breast. "Baby, you have no idea what you do to me."
She wrapped her legs around my waist, pulling me closer. "I think I have some idea."
I pinched her nipple and she moaned again. I had been in the mood to fuck her. But now that I was buried to the hilt, I wished we had more time. I wanted to kiss every inch of her. I wanted to show her how much I loved her.
I groaned as she tightened around me.
"I love you," she whispered, as if she could sense my change of mood.
I leaned down and kissed her.
She ran her fingernails down the back of my neck, deepening the kiss.
I wanted to freeze time.
But I knew that wasn't possible. Time seemed to be speeding by. Our daughter was already two. But I could make this moment a little more memorable. I lifted Penny off the desk, carried her over to the wall, and pressed her back against it.
And I fucked her. Just like I had against that tree on that golf course so many years ago. Just like I had when we were first falling for each other. Back when we were wrong. Back when nothing we did made sense.
"James!"
"I love you, baby." Time changed us. It brought us closer together. We were a family now.
"I love you too," she said against my lips.
I grabbed her perfect ass firmly in my hands and slammed into her hard.
She screamed my name again as she came.
And I relished the feeling of her tightening around me. The feeling of being whole. The feeling that I knew was love. I exploded inside of her, a slew of curses leaving my lips. "Fuck, Penny."
She laughed, tightening around me again.
"God, you know how much I like when you do that."
"What?" she asked innocently, running her fingers through my hair.
"This," I said and tickled her side.
She squealed, trying to wiggle out of my grip, but I was still buried inside of her. And I had no intention of moving.
"We need to get dressed," she protested through her laughter.
"Or we could just stay like this." I dropped my fingers from her skin, knowing she was right. We were running out of time.
She sighed and pressed her forehead against mine. "James Hunter, you're impossible. Our daughter is going to run in here and see you with your pants around your ankles."
"She's three. She'll forget."
"Time is flying by too fast."
I gently eased her off the wall and placed her on her feet. "Then let's make sure to steal more moments like this."
She smiled. "Promise?"
"I promise."
I opened my eyes and stared at the empty chair.
Twitch.
That was the thing about time. It could change everything in the blink of an eye. She had been my student once. Then she became my wife. I opened up my eyes. Now she was slipping away.
I ran my palm along the back of my neck, remembering her fingernails digging into my skin. The room felt empty without her. Much more like a lonely library than her office.
I walked toward her desk like I was in a trance and sat down in her chair. I wasn't sure what I was looking for exactly. A sign that my lawyer was full of shit? That the doctor was wrong to point blame at her? She wouldn't try to kill herself. She just...wouldn't. We had come so far together. She wouldn't leave me, or Scar, or the new baby. I turned on the computer as I tried to ignore the image of my son that popped into my head.
A Word document was open. I stared at the last line she had written:
"Because life without this feeling, the feeling that you give me, isn't a life that I'm inte
rested in at all."
I blinked, staring at the screen. I had said that to her when I proposed. And I had this awful feeling that maybe this was how she was feeling right before she started bleeding. Except, not in the optimistic way I had said it.
I made her feel loved. But if she thought I was cheating, she wouldn't feel that way anymore. Was she not interested in living her life because she thought I didn't want her anymore? Was this the fucking proof that my lawyer was right? That the doctor was right?
No. She was just writing about us. Remembering. Right? I put my elbow on her desk and placed my forehead in my hand. Just before I closed my eyes, I saw that my elbow was placed on an envelope. An envelope with my name on it.
My hands shook as I picked it up. This couldn't be the amendment to the will that my lawyer had talked about. That whole conversation was ridiculous. Everyone was just trying to mess with my head.
So why did it have my name on it? Why was it sealed? I tore it open and unfolded the page. It wasn't a will. I sighed. It was just a letter. She had probably written it and was going to mail it to me in London. But then I told her I was coming back. She wouldn't have had time to send it. I started reading her words.
James,
If you're reading this, we both know what happened. I don't need to say it. And all I can say is that I understand what you're feeling. Like your heart hurts. Like you don't know if you'll ever smile again. Like the world has stopped. Like the only thing you can see for miles is darkness.
You see, I almost lost you once. I know that feeling. My mother found me falling apart in a bathroom stall at the hospital. And she told me something that really stuck with me. She told me that you have to keep living in order to keep the memory of those you love alive. And I'm asking you to do that for me. Remind Scarlett of who I was. Tell stories to our son. Don't let me disappear to our children. Don't let them forget how much I loved them.
Maybe that seems like the hardest thing in the world. But what I'm about to ask you to do, it may just be harder. I need you to keep the memory of me alive to our children. But I need you to let the memories of me with you fade. Because I need you to keep your heart open. Keep loving. Keep living. I need you to let me go.
