by Gina Yashere
The show was filmed at the Alex Theatre in Glendale and was packed with members of the public, various agents, and industry bigwigs. The three judges were on elevated platforms in the middle of the audience, and they would be giving critiques after each performance. The show was hosted by Bill Bellamy, known for his longtime VJ work on MTV in the ’90s as well as for his appearances on Def Comedy Jam and various other TV shows and movies.
All the semifinalists were corralled into a green room backstage where several camera operators would film us as we watched each performance on TV monitors and reacted to each comedian returning to the room after their set. It was a high-pressure environment. As I was going on first, I sat in a corner on my own, away from the other comics, going over my set and psyching myself up for the gig of my life.
You’ve got this. You’re the best out here. You are ready. This is what you’ve worked for. All your wishes are about to come true, so get that shit!
“Gina. Time to go!”
I was led to the side of the stage, where I was handed a mic, and a few seconds later, Bill Bellamy announced me, and I walked into my future.
My five-minute set was a blur, but I received a fantastic response from the audience. I’d killed going up first. I was happy with my set and knew that whatever happened, I couldn’t have done a better job. I walked back into the green room to applause from my fellow comedians, then I sat back and watched the rest of the show.
Over two and a half hours later, it was time to announce the finalists. Several more cameras entered the green room to capture our reactions as the names were called. I sat with a purposefully neutral look on my face. I was like a swan. Above the water, serene. But underneath, legs flapping like crazy. My heart pumped in my ears, and I had to keep reminding myself not to hold my breath.
My name was the fourth announced. Some of the finalists pumped the air with their fists or shouted when their names were called. I put my face in my hands and thanked the heavens, then stood up to take my place onstage with the other finalists: Amy Schumer, Matt Kirshen, Dante, Debra DiGiovanni, Jon Reep, Lavell Crawford, Doug Benson, Ralph Harris, and Gerry Dee.
I returned to London to prepare for my final trip back to LA for the next few weeks of filming. I found out a few days later that NBC would be providing us all with two-year work visas. Two. Years. I called one of NBC’s lawyers facilitating the visas. “So this visa means I can live and work in the US for two years?” He replied yes. This was amazing. I’d finally made it! I was going to America, invited by a TV station.
Production of the TV show would take five weeks, and I’d be able to stay for an additional two years. I was determined to make the most of this opportunity. I’d bought a house just ten months before, and I had gutted it, taking out walls, rewiring, repainting, and built a new kitchen plus spent a fortune on landscaping. I’d hardly lived there, as I’d been traveling for work as much as I could to pay for all the renovations. I had a reasonably large mortgage on the house, and I decided that dealing with renting it out and managing it while also trying to start a new life abroad would be too stressful. I wanted to concentrate on this new chapter without looking backwards. I still had my first flat in Tottenham, purchased at the beginning of my career, which was rented on a long-term contract, so I’d still be keeping a foothold in the London market. This house could go. Someone was going to appreciate how much work I’d done on it and pay me top dollar. And the profit I made would go towards setting up my living arrangements in LA after the competition. I loved this house, but I loved my American dream much more. I put it on the market three days after returning from the semifinals.
When I announced to all my friends and family that I was moving to America, they thought I was crazy. “You only have a two-year visa!” “You can’t live there forever!” The way I saw it, I had two years to work that visa into a green card and then finally into a US citizenship. I was confident I could do it. My plan was to win Last Comic Standing, use the $250,000 prize money to buy a lovely apartment in LA, then tour the US, going on to TV stardom.
I threw a big going-away party with my friends and family at the house, then began giving away and selling most of my belongings. My large collection of sneakers were grabbed up enthusiastically by my friends. I sold jewelry and clothes, and I gave bags of stuff away to charity. I left my best friend and unofficial tour manager, Lila, in charge of managing the sale of the house, as it wouldn’t be complete by the time I left for LA, so she would be my point person. I would not have been able to do this without her. As a qualified accountant, she was also able to help me manage my finances and keep me afloat as I embarked on this new adventure.
Mum was not happy that I was leaving. All she knew of America was what she had seen on TV and in the movies. I was too old to be adopted into the Cosby family, therefore my only other option was to become a member of a gang in Boyz n the Hood. She was worried for my safety. She struggled with the idea that I had no plans to come back to the UK to live. I assured her I’d be visiting frequently, but I was to become the first and probably only child of hers to emigrate. Deep down, she had known this was coming. I had been open about my dreams of leaving England behind. I had never truly belonged here.
On the day I left England for good, Lila drove me to the airport. I had said all my goodbyes to my London friends. Some of them had cried as they waved me off. I shed no tears. I was too excited for this new journey that I’d been waiting to embark on all my life, and I couldn’t get on a plane fast enough. England would always be there. It was in my blood.
I had boiled down my entire life into two suitcases. I brought enough outfits for the next few weeks of television. I had my Apple desktop wrapped in towels on one case, and I wore all the jewelry I had left on my body. That was all I needed. The most precious thing I had was my British passport, stamped with the US visa, which was the key to my new future. I hugged Lila tight and walked towards it.
As I boarded the plane to my new destiny, I smiled, recalling the last thing my mum had said to me when I’d gone to wish her farewell. “I always knew you were the crazy one. Just remember you have an elderly mother back here. Take care of yourself, and do not give me a heart attack.”
Epilogue
I’ve never read an epilogue in my life. Who wants to read more book after they’ve read the book?
So I’m just gonna say goodbye, I hope you enjoyed my story. In fact, I hope enough of you enjoyed it so much that there is a demand to hear the next chapter of my story. So much more to tell! If not, it was a fun ride while it lasted. Peace.
Acknowledgments
I suppose this part of the book is where I thank all the people who made this memoir possible. In that case I have to start with my mother. Mum. Mumzie Wumzie, as I call her. This book is an ode to her work ethic, her tenacity, her strength of character, her stubbornness, her refusal to be held back. All things I’ve learned or inherited from her.
No, I did not enjoy her obsessive overprotectiveness as a child, but I now have a puppy and live in constant fear of her being run over by a car, or being eaten by coyotes, and I am tempted to have her tethered to my hip at all times. So although I don’t have kids, I now kind of understand my mother’s fear. And as my mumz would say, “Look how you turned out!”
Love you, Mumz. And yes, I know you like me too!
Lila Rowe. My best friend in the world. My confidante. My travel buddy. My unofficial accountant, tour manager, adviser. I really couldn’t have done any of this without you holding me down. I can’t thank you enough.
Edwin, my younger brother, the anchor of our family, and my other adviser. The person I call when I know I’m messing up, to shout some sense into me.
Jodi Lieberman. My ride-or-die US manager who took me on when no one else was interested, and who pestered American comedy clubs to book me, pretended to be my agent, and basically did all the jobs because you believe in my talent. We made it, Jodi!!
Brett Vincent. My UK manager. Another real on
e. I love how you don’t take no for an answer and hustle on my behalf. We are quite the team!
Conan Smith. My US agent. I walked into a meeting with you and told you that I probably wouldn’t attend 98 percent of the auditions you sent me on, and you understood my brand immediately, when no other agent got it.
Nina Rose, the love of my life. The world we’ve built together adds a cherry on the cake of life.
Robert Guinsler, my literary agent who commandeered me out of the blue with the offer to write this book. Thank you for dragging me out of my comfort zone.
Tracy Sherrod. Thanks for saying yes and bearing with this first-time author.
Sam Srinivisan, my PR guru. Thanks for dragging people to listen to me talk!
Notes
1.Mawuna Koutonin, “Story of Cities #5: Benin City, the Mighty Medieval Capital Now Lost Without Trace,” The Guardian, March 18, 2016, https://www.theguardian.com/cities/2016/mar/18/story-of-cities-5-benin-city-edo-nigeria-mighty-medieval-capital-lost-without-trace.
2.Dalya Alberge, “British Museum Is World’s Largest Receiver of Stolen Goods, Says QC,” The Guardian, November 4, 2019, https://www.theguardian.com/world/2019/nov/04/british-museum-is-worlds-largest-receiver-of-stolen-goods-says-qc.
3.Aime Grant Cumberbatch, “Jim Davidson’s Discussion of ‘Racist’ Chalky White Act ‘Causes Audience Members to Walk Out’ of His Piers Morgan’s Life Stories Interview,” Evening Standard, March 9, 2018, https://www.standard.co.uk/culture/tvfilm/jim-davidson-s-discussion-of-racist-chalky-white-act-causes-audience-members-to-walk-out-of-his-piers-morgan-s-life-stories-interview-a3786331.html.
4.Mark Monahan, “Edinburgh Festival 2014: Jim Davidson—No Further Action, Assembly Rainy Hall, Review: ‘Too Little, Too Late,’” The Telegraph, August 6, 2014, https://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/theatre/edinburgh-festival/11016954/Edinburgh-Festival-2014-Jim-Davidson-No-Further-Action-Assembly-Rainy-Hall-review-too-little-too-late.html.
About the Author
GINA YASHERE has appeared on countless TV shows in the UK, US, and all over the world. In the US, she was the first and only British comic to perform on Def Comedy Jam. She has performed on The Tonight Show, has been featured as a correspondent on The Daily Show with Trevor Noah, and is a co–executive producer, writer, and series regular on the CBS sitcom Bob Abishola, which she co-created with Chuck Lorre. She currently has three comedy specials streaming and appears in season 2 of The Standups on Netflix.
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Copyright
Some names have been changed to protect people’s privacy.
CACK-HANDED. Copyright © 2021 by Gina Yashere. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
FIRST EDITION
COVER DESIGN: STEPHEN BRAYDA
FRONT COVER PHOTOGRAPH: © STEVE PEIRCE
Digital Edition JUNE 2021 ISBN: 978-0-06-296173-0
Version 04272021
Print ISBN: 978-0-06-296171-6
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