Ach, that was a tall order.
He moved to the next reference, again skimming. Colossians. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
Nee, he wasn’t bitter against Leah. But he had to admit being a little bitter against Marlin. Forgive me, Lord. I know it is not right to be bitter against Marlin either.
He glanced down at the Bible again. 1 Peter…husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel…that your prayers be not hindered.
Jacob finally closed the Bible and sighed deeply. He never realized how much responsibility came with being a husband.
So, he was to love her as himself, share their marriage bed often, read Gott’s Word with her, not harbor bitterness against her, offer kindness toward her, seek her good over his, know her.
He hung his head. Gott, I don’t know if I can be all these things for mei fraa. Especially when my heart belongs to Rachel. But I want to follow you, Herr Gott. I want to do this Your way and receive Your blessings. Please bless our union as husband and wife. And help Rachel come to terms with what is here and now. Help us both to have patience so we may come together in Your perfect time. And help mei fraa, Leah. We have difficult days ahead with her illness. Help me to be the man she needs me to be and to love her like You loved the church. Amen.
Jacob thought on all he’d read. How could he show his fraa a kindness? Ach, he’d have to think on that one. Hopefully, Der Herr would show him when the time was right.
NINETEEN
Jacob reclined at the table, while Leah gathered the dishes from supper. “Denki for supper.”
“You are welcome. Will you be ready for dessert soon? I made zucchini applesauce bread. Rachel said you really liked when I made it last time.”
Rachel… Ach, nee, he wouldn’t think about her now. “I do. It was delicious. Denki. But I don’t think I am ready for it yet.”
Show her a kindness. “Jah.” He nodded.
She turned slightly, lifting a brow. “What was that?”
“Ach, nothing.” He looked around to find something to do. “Is…is there a towel I could use to clean the table with?”
She spun around and stared at him as though he were the most peculiar thing she’d ever seen. “Ach…jah.” She fished inside a drawer, removed a washcloth, and handed it to him.
He ran it under the faucet, then wrung it out, and proceeded to wipe the table clean.
“You don’t have to help me.” Her voice was quiet.
“I want to.” He emptied the crumbs into the trash can, then rinsed the rag. “Where should I put this? I just rinsed it out.”
She began filling one of the sinks with water. “I will clean it with dish soap and use it for the dishes.”
He stood next to her and she eyed him curiously.
“You don’t mind if I help with dishes, do you?” He waggled his eyebrows.
“You don’t need to. I can do it.”
“I know you can. But I wish to show you a kindness.” Besides, when Leah got sick, he’d likely be doing all the chores himself. It wouldn’t hurt to have some practice.
The stare was back. Her mouth opened then closed again. Had he rendered her speechless? Apparently so.
Jacob smiled to himself. This ‘showing a kindness’ thing seemed to be working pretty well so far.
“Denki,” she whispered.
~
“Kumm, fraa.” Jacob patted the place next to him on the couch. He tried to keep a mental list of all the things he’d read that he wanted to incorporate into their marriage. His duties as a Christian husband.
Leah placed the drying towel down on the kitchen counter, then quietly heeded his call. She sat on the couch, but too far away for his thinking.
“You may kumm closer. I was reading today and I wanted to show you what I read.” He pulled his Bible from the small table next to the couch. He held it up. “Do you read this?”
“Nee. Not really.” At least she was honest.
Although, he wasn’t quite sure how the leaders in this district felt about studying the Bible at home on one’s own. Especially the Englisch Bible Larry had given him. It might be verboten. He wouldn’t ask.
“I was praying today, asking Der Herr for wisdom on being a gut mann.”
Her eyes widened. “You prayed for…for us?”
“Jah. I know our situation is not ideal, not what we planned for, but we can make the best of it, ain’t so? I want to have a gut marriage. Do you want that too?”
She nodded. “Jah.”
He proceeded to read the verses he’d read earlier that day. “That is how I want to be. To be in Gott’s will.”
“That is what I want too.”
They were making progress, but this was still so awkward. It seemed like he and Rachel had just clicked immediately. There was a mutual attraction and it only grew the more they’d spent time together as they shared their hopes and dreams. But with Leah, every little step felt forced. He knew in his head what he should do, how he should act, but his heart couldn’t help but long for Rachel.
Ach, he had to stop comparing Leah to Rachel. He had to. If he didn’t, he’d always find flaws in his fraa. And that wasn’t loving her as Christ loved the church and it certainly wasn’t showing a kindness.
Love her for who she is. The thought came out of nowhere.
He thought of his mental list. He’d showed her kindness by helping in the kitchen. He’d read Der Herr’s Word with her. What else was there? Oh yeah, the part about the marriage bed. He gulped.
Ach…
He’d always imagined his first intimate moments would be with his beloved Rachel. The thought that they wouldn’t be bereaved him. Ach, stop thinking about Rachel! He chastised himself. He’d never be a gut husband if he was always thinking of someone other than his fraa.
He swallowed, eyeing his fraa. How would she feel if he made physical advances? Only one way to find out.
She had responded to his kiss on their wedding night. That was something encouraging.
He reached for her hand, then tugged her near. She scooted closer to him, her gaze curious. He reached over and caressed her cheek, then leaned forward and met her lips with his.
Again, she responded to his kiss.
“Kumm,” he mumbled.
He pulled her onto his lap to kiss her more thoroughly, his fingers weaving through her hair. He leaned back to see and untied the kerchief that covered her head, then found the pins that held her hair in place, loosening her tresses from the confines of her bun.
Her eager hands indicated she was enjoying his advances, as they roamed his neck, arms, and chest.
He tentatively caressed her in turn, as a husband should, and a surprised but welcoming gasp escaped her lips. This was actually kind of fun, he admitted to himself.
“Leah,” he murmured, “Do you want to—”
A knock sounded at the door.
Jacob grunted in frustration and Leah leaped off his lap. Had they even locked the door? He moved toward the entrance as she headed toward the bedroom, no doubt to make herself presentable for company.
Jacob was prepared to tell whoever it was to come back tomorrow. He jerked the door open, still in a bit of a daze. “Rachel?” His eyes widened.
A puzzled look crossed her features, then her gaze swept over him, examining his attire. She stumbled backward and gasped.
He glanced down at where her eyes focused. Ach, he hadn’t realized that Leah had unfastened a couple of the buttons on his shirt, and had apparently started on his broadfalls as well. His cheeks burned. “I…uh…we…”
Ach, this was awkward. He shouldn’t have hurried to the door in a rush. He should have looked himself over. He chastised himself for his carelessness.
“I see it took you a whole ten seconds to get over me!” Tears immediately shimmered in her eyes as she spun around and ran off.
“Rachel, wait…” He sighed. But he didn’t go after her.
/> What could he say? That he was enjoying a little physical time with his fraa? That he was trying his best to be a gut husband to her schweschder? Physical intimacy was expected between a husband and wife.
Help, Gott. I don’t know what I’m doing.
Leah emerged from the bedroom, her hair neatly in place once again. “Do we have company? I can put some coffee on.”
“Nee, it was Rachel. She left without saying what she wanted.” He shrugged.
An unspoken sorrow seemed to pass between them.
Leah sighed, lowered her eyes to the floor, then moved to the kitchen. Away from him. No doubt she felt his rejection at the sound of her schweschder’s name. “Would you…would you like some dessert now?”
He forced out a breath and frowned, frustrated with himself. He shouldn’t have answered the door. Not only had their intimate moment vanished, but he’d traumatized Rachel as well.
“Jah, that sounds gut.” Well, at least he could still look forward to dessert.
Dessert he could do. Trying to keep a balance between himself, Leah, and Rachel was questionable. But he couldn’t just give up. He had to try, didn’t he? He had no control over the situation with Rachel. But with Leah…
Nee. They weren’t going to do this. They’d been interrupted. So what.
“Nee, forget the dessert.” He took three purposeful steps, until he stood face to face with her. He emptied her hands of the zucchini applesauce bread, placing the plates on the counter beside her, then stepped even closer until she had nowhere to retreat to. He cradled her face in his hands, pressing himself against her, and kissed her on the mouth with the same passion they’d left off at when the knock sounded on the door. He then swiftly lifted her into his arms and carried her to their marriage bed.
Dessert would have to wait.
TWENTY
Rachel stormed away from the dawdi haus and toward the fields. Dat would just have to be patient for his pie. Pie she had been about to invite Jacob and Leah to enjoy with her and Dat. Jacob’s favorite. But apparently, they’d been enjoying something else.
Ach, just seeing that look on Jacob’s face… She couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was at the time. Not until she glanced at his disheveled clothing.
She closed her eyes against the barrage of tears that couldn’t be stopped. Jacob had never looked at her that way—like she was an interloper, unwelcomed, a stranger, an imposition. Never.
His eyes had always lit up at the mere sight of her, as though she were the most wonderful thing he’d ever seen in all the world. As though she were the sun and the moon and the stars together in all their glory. He’d always been overeager to see her. Head-over-heels in love. Hopelessly in love. With her. And her alone.
But now?
Nee, he certainly hadn’t been thinking of her. She was likely the furthest thing from his mind prior to the moment he’d thrust the door open like the haus was on fire. Nee, the haus had not been on fire. He had been.
She shook when a sob overtook her body.
Hurt and frustration and anger and resentment coursed through her entire being. She could hardly breathe when she thought of what she’d interrupted. As a matter of fact, right now they were probably…
Nee. Nee. She shook her head. This is not how it was supposed to be.
A team of Percherons must have settled right on top of her chest. Maybe, if they crushed her completely, she’d be put out of her misery.
She couldn’t abide the thought of Jacob—her beloved—sharing his love with another. How could she stand seeing the two of them day after day? Happily married. When it should have rightly been her.
Ach, she hated her father for what he’d done to them. Why couldn’t he have found another mann for Leah? Why did he have to steal her beloved away? It wasn’t fair in any sense of the word.
This was a heartache she didn’t think she’d ever get over. It would likely be the death of her. Did people actually die of broken hearts?
~
Leah’s cheeks appeared to glow the following morning as she prepared breakfast at the stove. She’d barely glanced back at Jacob, likely embarrassed. She had enjoyed their intimate moments just as much as he had, but he could certainly understand her inhibition in the morning light.
Ach, they were practically strangers. He supposed it was a normal thing for couples to feel this way during their first days and perhaps weeks of marriage.
They never did get back to their dessert. Although, it was no longer on the table when he’d awoken for chores before dawn, so Leah must’ve put it away sometime during the night.
He’d slept like a boppli.
A silly satisfied grin played on his lips when he entertained thoughts of the previous evening. Perhaps they could experience a similar one tonight. Minus the interruption, that is. Ach…
“Do you have any plans for today?” He smiled as she set a mug of steaming coffee in front of him.
“Nothing out of the ordinary. I’ll figure out our meals, make some bread, maybe work in the garden.” She shrugged. “I don’t think we have enough dirty clothes for a load of laundry yet.”
He nodded. “I’ll be working at the shop today.” He’d been off since before the wedding.
“Okay.”
“I will leave the phone number in case you need to get ahold of me for whatever reason. If I’m ever late home, check the phone shanty for a message.”
“Okay.”
He reached for her hand and squeezed it gently. He winked. “I had a gut time last nacht.”
His comment sent all kinds of color flooding to her cheeks. “I…I’ll get breakfast.”
She rose from the table, then set a large plate of dippy eggs on the table, along with toast and sausage.
He gazed at his fraa in wonder. Was she trying to show him a kindness as well? Meet his needs, fulfill his desires?
He grinned, then bowed his head for silent prayer. It was turning out to be a wonderful day indeed.
~
Rachel tensed when Leah entered the haus. Why was her schweschder here? Hadn’t she already moved all her things to the dawdi haus prior to the wedding? She had no need to be in the main dwelling.
No matter. She didn’t need to acknowledge her.
“Is Dat here?” Leah asked from behind her.
She continued washing dishes, but shrugged her shoulders.
Leah sighed loudly. “Does that mean you don’t know or you don’t want to tell me?”
She gritted her teeth. The fewer words she spoke, the better. “Not in here. Probably outside.”
“Fine.” By the sound of it, she walked outside, then shut the door.
Gut. After that last embarrassing ordeal, Rachel decided it would probably be best to avoid Jacob and Leah at all costs. Although it pained her not to see Jacob, seeing him—especially like she had yesternight—was far worse.
TWENTY-ONE
Jacob glanced out the window. Ach, Rachel was heading into the barn. He hadn’t seen her around in a couple of days. Not even out with her sheep. Was she allowing him and Leah some time for privacy? Or was it something else?
After the day she’d knocked on their door, then ran away…
Ach, he had to catch her. He needed to try to smooth things over. Somehow.
“I’ll be right back, Leah.” Jacob rushed outside.
He hastened his steps toward the barn and called out before she stepped inside. “Rachel!”
She paused for a slight second, then continued around the side of the barn instead of going inside. Ach, was she ignoring him?
“Rachel, wait!” He wasn’t sure whether she’d heeded his call or not, because she was beyond his view.
He rounded the corner as she was just about to go around back. “Rachel! Wait, please!” Ach, she was avoiding him. He jogged toward her and grasped her arm, then spun her to face him.
She yanked her arm free. “Don’t, Jacob!” Tears clouded her eyes.
“Ach, lieb.”
“Nee,
don’t call me lieb. I’m not your lieb anymore. I’m your schweschder now.” Her chin quivered.
“Ach, Rachel. You will always be mei lieb. Mei schatzi.”
“Nee.” She refused to look him in the eye. “You have a fraa now. You are part of a marriage. A marriage I am not part of.”
His heart crumbled at her words. She wasn’t giving up on them, was she? “Rachel, I agreed to marry your schweschder for you. For us. She is only a means to an end.”
He regretted his choice of words the moment they escaped, although they were true, ain’t not? It was a gut thing Leah had not heard them. If she had, their union would have seemed meaningless. Which it wasn’t. Not really. He enjoyed his fraa, he admitted to himself.
“I hate it. I hate seeing you two together. I know you are going to fall in love with her. You will forget about me.”
“Nee. Never. I will always love you, Rachel. You are my first love. And I have every intention of marrying you. Someday.”
“And you do not think you will give your heart to her after living with her for many years?”
“Ach, Rachel…” The fact was, he was already developing some feelings for Leah. But it wasn’t love. Not yet. They were husband and wife, after all. He swallowed.
“So I am right, then?” She crossed her arms across her chest stiffly and eyed him. “Have you…?” She let the unspoken words dangle in the air.
He thought of the night they’d first shared their marriage bed and several other times after that. He looked away. He sighed. “Rachel…”
“I knew it. I knew this would happen.”
“I don’t know what to do. How to make this work between us. I love you, but I am married to Leah. I will likely have bopplin with her and even come to love her. But that does not mean I will stop loving you. My love for you will never die, Rachel.”
~
Rachel looked up at Jacob. Saw the torment in his eyes. She wanted to believe his words. Really she did. “I…I thought I could do this. Stand by and watch you and mei schweschder. But I can’t, Jacob. Every time I see the two of you, my heart rips in pieces.” Soon, it would be shredded beyond repair. Ach, she hated her cursed tears.
An Amish Deception Page 8
