by Kasie West
I hadn’t thought about questions yet, but I knew I needed to. “Did she see someone? Try to get help?”
“She saw someone regularly. But she was constantly going on and off her medication. She would think she was better. I had you see someone too, right after she died. I had all of you see someone.”
Yes, I had memories of the gray-haired man having me draw pictures. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“I tried, Charlie. You weren’t ready. You shut down. You climbed on the roof and scared me to death. I decided to wait after that. You were doing so well, I didn’t want this to define you.”
“I feel stupid. I’m so weak.”
“Charlie. No.” His hand went to my shoulder. “No, you’re not. What child wants to think that about their mom? She was your world.”
No. She wasn’t. She was barely part of my life. “Jerom, Nathan . . . Gage?”
“They know.”
I coughed to try to get rid of the lump in my throat and then put my cheek against the passenger-side window. “I feel stupid.” No wonder my dad and brothers thought I was so breakable. Why they protected me so much. “I’m sorry I wasn’t another boy.”
“What?” We pulled up to the store and he put the car in park.
“I didn’t turn out right. I’m broken.”
“Oh, Charlie. No.”
“I found that book in your room. Carol, your ‘coworker.’”
His cheeks went red. “Baby, that’s just to help me talk to you about girl things. And I’m obviously not very good at it. I just wanted to do it right. To be what you needed. I know I’m not. I’m not your mom. She would’ve done it better.”
I grabbed his hand in mine so tightly. I wouldn’t cry again. “You did it right,” I choked. “You did it right.”
He took my face in his hands and kissed my forehead. “I must’ve done something right, because look at the amazing person you turned out to be. Confident, smart, athletic, and beautiful. I love you, kid.”
“Love you too.”
He brushed at my cheeks. “I need to get back to work. I’m going to call one of your brothers to come get you.”
“No. Dad. Please. I need to drive. I need to sit with this whole mom thing alone.”
He pulled his brows down low.
“Please. I’ll be careful. I won’t be long.”
He nodded. “I’ll send out an APB in an hour if you’re not home.”
I rolled my eyes, but then realized he was serious. “Or you could just call me.” I held up my cell phone. I knew he had one of those tracker things on my phone anyway, so it wasn’t like my location would be a secret.
He nodded. He’d send someone for me in an hour. So I’d have to make sure I was faster.
“Oh, and Charlie?” he said as I opened the door.
“Yeah?”
“You’re grounded until the party.”
I looked at the ad sitting on the console between us, crumpled into a ball. “I know. I’m sorry I lied to you.”
He smiled. The first one I’d seen since he picked me up. “We all make mistakes.”
I climbed out of his car and headed for mine. I glanced at Linda’s store, knowing I should go in and explain, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it in that moment. First I had somewhere else to be.
I stared at her headstone. I hadn’t visited her grave in over a year, so I thought maybe I’d remembered the wording wrong, but there it was, etched in stone: Loving Mother.
Anger surged through me. Those words seemed like the biggest lie in the world to me. If she was so loving, why did she do what she did? She was selfish. I kicked a rock and it ricocheted off her headstone.
I heard the crunch of gravel behind me.
“It hasn’t even been thirty minutes,” I said, irritated my dad couldn’t just give me an hour to think this through.
“He told me not to come yet, but I was worried.”
I turned toward Jerom. His face was full of concern.
I wasn’t only angry at my mom. I was angry at my brothers, too. They had kept this from me. “I’m fine.”
“Really?”
“No. I’m screwed up.”
“Charlie.” His voice was gruff. “Don’t do that. You are not screwed up. You have every right to be upset about this.”
“But you think I’m weak. It’s why you’re so protective of me. You think I’m on the verge of breaking.”
“No. You’re strong. Too strong, sometimes. You think you need to hold on to this all by yourself.” He put his arm around my shoulder and stared at the headstone with me. “Let us be here for you.”
“But that’s the thing. We’re not here for each other, are we? I thought we were the best family in the world, but you guys didn’t even tell me.”
“Dad tried. We just thought it would be better if we waited.”
“Until?”
He sighed, obviously frustrated too. “I don’t know. But, Charlie, this”—he pointed to my mom’s headstone—“isn’t our family. This is something that happened to our family. Our family was strong before this, and it’s still strong. Nothing has changed that.”
I read the phrase on her headstone over and over again. Loving Mother. “My whole life I thought she would’ve been my best friend. That she would’ve taught me all the things I needed to know about being a woman. And in a way, it made me resent Dad a little. That he couldn’t do it like she would’ve. And now I find out that she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to be my mom. I’m mad at her.”
He squeezed my shoulder and his breath hitched. I’d never seen my brother even come close to crying, so it surprised me. “You have every right to be.”
“I don’t know how to get over it.”
“You can only go through it.”
Sleep was my friend. I didn’t remember the last time I had slept so much. Especially since I hadn’t done anything active at all that day. I thought I would have the nightmare about my mom over and over, but I didn’t. I didn’t dream at all. A fogginess had settled into my head and I wanted to get lost in it.
My dad must’ve told my brothers to leave me alone, because no one bothered me for hours. A strip of sunlight had traveled up my body through the day and had finally found its way to my face. All I had to do was shut my curtains all the way to get rid of it, but I couldn’t find the energy to get up. I was so tired. Instead, I just pulled my pillow over my head.
A knock sounded at my door. I didn’t respond. If it were Gage, he’d just walk in. The door creaked open.
“What?” I asked, my voice muffled from the pillow. I wondered if they were all going to take turns trying to fix me.
“Hey.” It was Braden.
I was glad my head was under the pillow, because my cheeks colored at his presence. I waited to get it under control, then moved the pillow. “Hi.”
He eased all the way into my room. “What happened the other night?”
The other night? I searched my memory for what he might be referring to and remembered we were supposed to meet by the fence. “I fell asleep. Sorry.” I probably didn’t sound as sorry as I should have, because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself.
He held a soccer ball and started bouncing it back and forth between his knees. “Wanna play?”
He was trying to cheer me up, and although I found it really sweet, I didn’t feel like hanging out with Braden right then. It would just be one more reminder of something else I couldn’t have and how much my life sucked right now. “Not really. But tell everyone hi for me.”
“Well, that would be hard since ‘everyone’ won’t be there. It’s just me.”
Even worse. “Gage is here, I think. He’d probably be up for it.”
He kneed the ball in a high arc and it landed on the end of my bed. “Gage isn’t here, and I want you.”
I couldn’t stop my cheeks from blushing this time. He needed to watch his phrasing. He didn’t seem to notice, because he added, “Come on. Please.” He went to my clo
set and pulled out my shoes.
“I’m fine, Braden. I don’t need cheering up. I promise.”
He sat on the bed next to me, pushing my hair into my face. “Why would you need cheering up? Did something happen?”
He hadn’t heard? I smacked his hands away and pushed my hair back. “Nothing I want to rehash right now.”
“Well, see, I’m not here to cheer you up. I’m here for completely selfish reasons.” He held out his hand and gave me puppy-dog eyes. “Don’t make me beg.”
I kind of wanted to see him beg. I stared at his hand. He kept it steady, hovering in the air between us. I took it.
Chapter 35
I couldn’t decide if Braden had heard about what happened or not, but either way, he had to know that running up a field, kicking a soccer ball, could get my mind off anything. Well, almost anything. It seemed that kicking a ball alongside Braden could not get my mind off him. As we ran, I shoved him and stole the ball.
“Foul,” he said with a laugh.
“If you can catch me, I’ll give you that foul.”
I dribbled the ball faster, toward the net. I could feel him getting closer. Just as I came to the goal, he caught up and wrapped one arm around my waist, dragging me to a halt. Then he spun me away from the ball, let go, and took the ball back. I jumped onto his back.
“Give it up, Lewis.”
“You think this is going to keep me from scoring?” He gripped my thighs with his hands, keeping me from jumping off, and continued to dribble the ball.
“Let me down.”
“You’re the one who jumped up there.”
“Don’t make me bite you.” I opened my mouth and pressed my teeth lightly against his neck.
He slowed to a stop. “You wouldn’t dare, cheater.”
“I totally would.” My words came out slurred against his neck, and I added a little more pressure to my bite. I shouldn’t have started this game; it was making my heart race, feeling his skin against my lips, tasting salt.
“Charles,” he warned in a low voice.
I laughed. “You just have to let go of my legs.”
He let go, and I gave him a playful bite anyway and jumped down, ready to take off after the ball. But he immediately grabbed me and pulled me against him. “You brat.”
I laughed. “You’re going down.” I used one of my legs to sweep his. He stumbled, but didn’t let go of me like I thought he would, and we both fell to the ground. He rolled so I was pinned beneath one of his hips and his right arm.
“You shouldn’t be able to knock me down so easily. You’re amazingly strong, you know that? It’s awesome.”
I froze, my entire body on fire. I knew if I moved an inch, it would only increase the sensation running through me from his points of contact on me.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, suddenly serious. “Did I hurt you?”
“No, just let me up.”
At first he looked confused, then a slow smile spread across his lips. “Why?”
“You won. Just let me up.”
“I won? You just conceded? Has that ever happened in the history of time?”
“Yes. You won. Braden. Please.” I was out of breath and my voice sounded tight.
“But I owe you one bite.” He lowered his head to my neck. My heart beat against my ribs. “It’s only fair.”
Yes, this was the definition of torture. If he knew what this was doing to me, he couldn’t possibly continue.
His teeth brushed lightly against my skin and his breath warmed my neck. My fingers dug into his shoulders.
“Just get it over with,” I breathed.
He let out a low, breathy chuckle and then applied slightly more pressure to his bite. I barely contained the moan in the back of my throat, but I couldn’t keep my eyes from closing.
He lifted his head. “I need to tell you something.”
My eyes flew open and met his.
My guard immediately went back up. He was going to tell me about my mom. Little did he know, I had already heard. I wondered if it would’ve been better if Braden had been the one to tell me at the fence that night. Would it have been less devastating? Probably not. Either way, it was too late now, and I really didn’t feel like talking about it. “I already know.”
“You do?”
“Yes. My dad told me.”
“Your dad?”
“Yes.”
“Gage,” he growled, then rolled onto his back, finally freeing me. “Does he want to kill me?”
My whole body felt cold without him near me. “No. Why would he? It’s not your fault.”
“True, but that doesn’t mean he’d want me to tell you.”
“I thought you weren’t going to tell me. That it wasn’t your place.” My eyes started to sting, and I just wanted to stand up and kick the ball again.
He propped himself up on his elbow. “Wait. What are you talking about?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You first.”
“I know about my mom.”
He took a quick breath and sat up to his knees. Concern shaped his brow. “Your dad told you about your mom . . . about how she . . .”
“Yes.” I dragged the back of my hand along my cheek and shivered.
He stretched himself out beside me again and pulled me close. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I thought you knew. And I didn’t want to think about it.”
“I’m sorry. Do you want to go home?”
I shook my head and buried my face in his chest. I didn’t want to go anywhere. “So that’s not what you were going to tell me?”
“No. I mean that’s what I wanted to tell you that night by the fence before I realized it wasn’t my place to tell you. Maybe I should’ve told you then. Maybe I should’ve told you years ago. I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault. You’re the one who made me confront my dad.” I pulled back so I could look in his eyes. “So what, then? What were you going to tell me today?”
“The timing is wrong now. I’ll tell you later.”
“No. Please. I want to know now. I’m tired of secrets.”
He stared at me for a long time, as if trying to read my sincerity. His breath touched my lips. It took everything in me not to close the distance between us. When his lips brushed against mine, I let out an involuntary gasp. Had I done that?
“Am I reading you wrong?” he asked.
I shook my head no. I couldn’t find my voice, couldn’t dare to believe this meant what I thought it meant.
He let out a slow breath of air that smelled so familiar. “I was going to tell you that.”
“You were going to tell me that you wanted to kiss me?”
He nodded. “Is this going to change everything?”
“I sure hope so.”
He smiled and his gaze went from my eyes, to my mouth then up to my hair. He tucked a piece behind my ear. “You’re so beautiful.”
My cheeks heated. “Aren’t we supposed to do this at the fence?”
“No. I don’t want this to be in our alternate reality. I want this to be in our real one.” He met my lips with his. My heart felt like it had just been put through sprints; it raced to life. I grabbed his shoulders and pulled him closer. Against my lips he added, “But we can do this again tonight at the fence if you want.”
I smiled. “Wait. What about Amber?”
“What about her?”
“I thought you and she . . .”
He pulled back, his eyes going wide. “What? No! Your brother is all over that.”
“Gage?”
“Yeah, they got together while you were gone. He didn’t tell you?”
“No.”
“You thought . . . me and Amber?”
“Yes. You were hanging out with her. And on the couch the other day, you scooted closer to her to make room for me.”
He looked up, thinking back. “Oh. That’s because you looked super annoyed with her. I thought I was saving
you from having to sit by her.”
I let out a single laugh. “Stop reading me.”
He curled his lip. “Amber? Come on, Charlie, give me some credit.” He gripped a section of my T-shirt at my waist. “She wears sparkly words across her butt. You told me not to date anyone who did that.” He pressed his lips to mine again. “What about Evan?”
“Yeah, no.” I traced the words on his T-shirt with my finger. “It would be hard to be with someone when I couldn’t stop thinking about someone else.”
“That night by the fence, when you thought I was going to tell you that I liked you . . .”
“You don’t need to explain.”
He shook his head. “No. I do. I did like you. But I had convinced myself I couldn’t tell you that. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. So you caught me off guard because it wasn’t what I was going to tell you that night. It freaked me out a little that you knew I liked you anyway. I wasn’t sure how you would take it, how your family would take it.”
“And now?”
“And now I’m still not sure how your family will take it, but that night, you were so hurt, it made me hopeful that at least you would take it well. I thought maybe you were telling me that night that you liked me too, and for the first time it gave me reason to think that it wouldn’t ruin anything.”
“I don’t know how my brothers will react, but my dad loves you.”
He buried his face against my neck. “Gage already knows.”
I tried to push him away so I could look at his face. He wouldn’t budge. “What did he say?”
“He’s mad.”
I finally managed to push him away and look at him. The first thing I saw was the black beneath his right eye. “Wait. Did Gage do that to you?”
“What?”
I ran a finger lightly along the black.
“Oh. No.”
“So it was a golf ball, then?”
He shook his head no. “It was . . .” His eyes looked around me but not at me. “My dad.”
I sat up quickly and my head went light. “Your dad hit you?”
He smiled, which seemed like the opposite reaction to my statement. “Yes. I finally confronted him. He hit me. My mom kicked him out.”
