by Tara Pammi
I stared back blankly, my brain’s processing having been reduced to nothing with the avalanche of sensation. “What?”
“I am building a database in my head of what you like, how you like it, and how fast or slow you like it. Like if I do this,” she bent and licked my opening, sending a jolt of sensation spearing through my pelvis, “you love it.”
She was learning me, I realized, sweat dampening my brow. “You’re the sexiest nerd I’ve ever met, babe. Who knew science could come to my rescue in this way?”
She laughed and nipped the skin at my thigh and with that hyper-focus I’d resented her for, she went back to working me up all over again.
I clenched and unclenched my hands as she took my clit between two fingers and gently pinched. Jerked my hips and followed her mouth when she pulled back. She laughed and dove in again. This time, she brought her tongue.
That first languorous lick against my clit set fire to my nerves. A groan escaped her as if I was the best thing she’d ever tasted and the vibrations of that sound made my clit flutter in an agony of need. I made some weird sound in my throat, but caught it before it escaped.
She did it again. And again. Sometimes slowly. Sometimes fast, like the wings of a butterfly. Sometimes, she pressed her tongue snug against that aching bundle while her fingers caressed me.
Tension built in my belly, pooled at my sex. I was so close now. Sinking my fingers into her hair, I jerked my hips forward. Felt her smile. “Sorry,” I muttered, pulling my hand away.
She pulled it back to her head. “No. Keep it there. Tell me what you want.”
“I want more. Faster. Something else,” I said, desperately needing to finish. I could feel the orgasm hovering there on my skin and then receding when she let up the pressure. Or breathed.
She looked up. Her cheeks were flushed, her hair standing up on ends after my fingers messed it up. Her lips were a dark pink and swollen and I felt a desperate need to taste myself on her lips. She was so gorgeous like that on her knees, worshipping me with her mouth, that a longing filled me up.
“Pull your bra up. Show me your…tits, Star Bells.”
I complied before she finished the sentence. Rolling my flimsy crop top away and tucking the bunched fabric into the bra strap, I pulled up the cups of the bra. I groaned at how good it felt to not be stifled by the wire. I did a jiggle for her benefit.
Farah gasped and I could see the little squeeze of her own thighs. She glanced at me with such naked hunger that I looked down. With fat, dark brown nipples, I had always thought my tits a bit on the bigger side. But now I looked at them with Farah’s eyes and I thought they were gorgeous.
“Touch yourself,” she said, a husky demand in her voice for the first time.
I kneaded the soft flesh with my fingers and rolled the nipple. Sensation began to beat down on me again.
She bit her lower lip with her teeth. “Fuck, Star Bells. You’re the hottest thing I have ever seen.”
I sank my left hand into her hair and bent down at my waist, even knowing that my body didn’t have the kind of flexibility for what I had in mind. But I’d been dancing for a long time and I had the strength for it.
Farah immediately straightened to her full height on her knees and then her mouth latched onto my nipple. Pleasure arrowed through to my pelvis and I straightened with much regret. The wetness from her mouth clung to my stiffened nipple.
“May I penetrate you with my fingers?”
I ran a hand through my hair and my face, shivering. At the edge. “Yes, please, Farah. Anything.”
“Tell me if it becomes too much.” She pinched my thigh. “I need a yes, Star Bells.”
“Yes, I will.”
She pushed my thighs indecently apart with her shoulders and then slowly, she fucked me. With one finger. The push and pull of that digit, and the pressure of her sucking on my clit started a long fluttering wave and I climaxed hard.
Relentless pleasure fragmented through me and I bit my teeth to keep the sound inside, and Farah kept licking me until wave after wave hit me, melting me. Her hands stayed on my hips until the aftershocks slowly receded.
My knees shook and I’d have sunk to the floor in a puddle if my lovely girlfriend hadn’t shot upright with strength I could only marvel at and took me in her arms.
Farah turned us until the wall was at her back and I could flop onto her in my very inelegant way. “You are a beautiful, wild thing, Star Bells,” she murmured at my temple, holding me tight. Kissing my damp skin in reverence. As if I had given her something instead of the other way.
I hid my face in her shoulder. “I…” My breath seesawed out of me while my mind warned me to not say things that would fracture the moment. So I settled for, “I want to kiss you.”
She clasped my face in her palms and took my mouth on a ride that told me how much this had meant to her. I rubbed myself all over her, and she laughed into the kiss. “Can I plan our special night now?” I mumbled, with a hint of desperation creeping into it.
“Yes.”
I grinned. “I like how I taste on your lips.”
Farah blushed, and with gentle movements righted my clothes. “I will see you in three days then?”
Keeping my hands on her hips possessively, I mock pouted. “Tell me again why you’re going.”
“My father is unhappy that I canceled my visit over the Christmas break at the last minute. Visiting our family friends here will reassure him. I…I have not been a good daughter to him. Especially in the last year when he tried to be there for me.” She rubbed a hand over her face, regret lacing her words. “I told him, quite harshly, that he couldn’t take Mama’s place.”
I clasped her hand tightly.
“I want to try to be a good daughter to him, Star Bells. At least before I leave for India again. In fact, I have not been a good niece or granddaughter or friend or sister or cousin in more than a year.” Her laughter was shaky, a wealth of pain in her eyes. “I was selfish and…Mama would have been ashamed of how I have been behaving.”
“You were doing your best, Farah,” I added softly.
“Yes. And now it’s time to do better.” There was a quiet joy in her face instead of just grief or pain. “I feel like I am ready to join the living again. Ready to stop taking and start giving back to my relationships. You have no idea how much meeting you has given me, Star Bells.”
I mock-punched her on the shoulder. “Don’t make me cry before a test, Farah. Tears absorb all the math in my brain.”
She raised her palms in surrender and laughed that deep belly laugh. “Okay, okay, Drama Queen.” She dropped a hard kiss on my lips before pulling away. “You want to spend time with Zen and Rachel tomorrow anyway, remember? You said he’s making the overnight visit just for you.”
I nodded, still pleasantly surprised. Apparently, a lot of my insecurities had little to do with facts. When I’d whined to my best friends about being lonely, they’d rushed to reassure me they missed me just as much. “They won’t mind if you hang out with us.”
“What are you baking for Zen?”
“A traditional plum cake with spiced brandy since Zen’s family celebrates Christmas. Did you know that the first cake in India was baked in Kerala after some British general brought a piece to a biscuit shop owner in 1880? The baker re-created the cake by sourcing out spices from along the Malabar coast. I plan to visit that bakery sometime in the future. And maybe interview the man’s family.”
Her eyes widened. “I did not know that. You collect a lot of these tidbits.”
I shrugged. “I think of them like a precious little trail food leaves us about history.”
Farah’s eyes gleamed with admiration. “And you connect all those dots so well.” She bent and rubbed the tip of her nose against mine. “Save a piece of that delicious sounding cake for me, won’t you?”
I nodded. But doubts flickered through me. Was she leaving because she needed a break from me? Had I been too much, interrupting her morn
ing yoga and flirting too much? Had I been extra-extra with all the demands I’d made of her? I was usually a fairly confident person, but was realizing that the last year without friends and this weird non-fight fight with Amma had done a number on me.
I made a mental note to broach the issue of therapy with Dad. He’d backed off after I’d yelled at him but now, months later, I saw the value in his advice. Not doing the graduation walk with my friends, coming out to my parents and friends, dealing with the disappointment of Thaata leaving for India and my uncle’s cold attitude towards me…I had been through a lot this last year.
I wanted to get help. I wanted to survive whatever was coming next without falling apart. I needed to stop thinking Farah’s leaving reflected on me. And yet, the question rushed out of me. “You aren’t running away from this, are you, Farah? From me?”
“What? No!” she said with enough vehemence that the knot of dread in my chest dissolved instantly. “Not at all, Star Bells. I am sorry if I have given you that impression. I’d have loved to leave after one night, but they have invited other relatives and you know how these gatherings become, right? I have already had several reminders from my Atthayya that she wants updates on all of them.” Her fingers played with my lower lip. “You are sure you don’t want me to see you after the test?”
“Nope. Amma asked me if I’d make my special prawn fry for the potluck dinner tonight. She never asks for anything, you know. Also, I promised Zen I’d help him shop for a suit. And then I’ve got to wash this mess and blow dry it,” I pointed to the messy bun on top of my head, “and that will take me forever.”
“Okay. Will you text me?”
“Don’t ask me how it went,” I snapped.
“See you in three days,” she whispered and then kissed me gently on my lips.
I grabbed a couple of donuts and went down to the basement, not wanting to make puppy eyes at her as she left. Three days wasn’t long, I told myself. Without success.
Shit, this goodbye felt hard.
How hard was our final goodbye going to feel in a few weeks?
Ten
Farah
Four days later, Farah stared in fascination as Tara drove through the electronically-manned gates into a lush private estate. It was clear that Nalini Menon valued both her privacy and security.
Tall evergreens straddled the uneven path that led to a surprisingly cozy house given the acres of land around it. But then everything about the state of Washington made her heart sing. Including its lovely inhabitants, she told herself, sneaking a quick look at Star Bells in the driver’s seat as she skillfully maneuvered the car through what seemed like pitch-black to Farah.
But instead of the usual curiosity about why the actress had retreated at the height of her career – to this highly secure fortress no less – all Farah felt was a nervous knot in the pit of her belly.
She was never nervous. Losing Mama had thrown her life into chaos, yes, but Farah usually had no problem holding her own in any situation. Managing two sets of grandparents and a horde of uncles and aunts and cousins who all loved you was a very effective teacher in maintaining her own sense of self. If she had not learned to make her boundaries very clear, she had no doubt that she would have been pulled in a hundred directions. Would have been blackmailed into giving up any control she had over her life.
And yet, for some strange reason, meeting her mother's favorite actress was making her nervous.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath as Tara parked the car. The sudden stillness, coupled with the sound of the soft, relentless drizzle outside, made Farah feel as if she was in some parallel universe. Not just this moment, all of the last few weeks since she had arrived at Professor Rao’s house had felt like that. From that very moment when Tara had barged into the bathroom. As if she had been given keys to some fantasy land where she could be someone else.
No, not someone else. But a happier, more present version of her own self. The version that was fully alive. The version that was kind to others and herself.
And she was realizing with an increasing clarity she didn’t want to return to her own life. No, to the older version of herself. So she had run away. It was to collect data, she had told herself. Her experiment of running away from Star Bells for three days had mixed results.
1. Yes, she had missed Star Bells like anything.
2. Yes, while her grief still felt fresh, she did feel alive again.
It wasn’t a breather from Tara she had needed, so much as to look at herself outside of the lab conditions. She had wanted to poke her head out of the fantasy world for a few minutes and see how the real world had been faring.
Turned out everything had changed in Farah’s world. She had been touched forever by Star Bells’s magic. She had ended up calling herself a thousand kinds of fool for wasting so much time.
"Babe, you okay?" Tara asked, an unusual gravity to her voice.
It was an echo of the same longing Farah had felt when she had seen Tara standing in the foyer. Dressed in a white kurta and black leggings, with her hair falling in dark waves to her shoulders, she had looked beautiful. Her brown skin shimmered with a glow, the large earrings kissing her cheek every time she moved her head, her gaze searching for Farah with a barely hidden urgency.
Farah had stood just out of Tara’s vision, anticipation building up inside her. Pushing her heart and lungs together as if she were in one of Tara’s blenders. And then when Farah had walked into the foyer, Tara’s smile had been the most beautiful thing Farah had ever seen in the world.
Farah kept her eyes closed but smiled. “I am in a strange mood, Star Bells.”
Her heart lurched as it always did now when Tara took her hand and laced their fingers together. Farah’s smile deepened as Tara nuzzled her nose into the crook of her neck, and her arm came around Farah’s midriff.
Farah tightened the squeeze of her fingers around Tara's. Words escaped her as usual, but she tried to communicate with her touch.
"You don't have to say anything. I'm here," Tara whispered.
Her own feelings puzzled Farah. Of course, Star thought Farah was thinking of her mother. And she was; she was always thinking of her mother. But even that had changed. This little knot of tension she felt in her belly from the moment Star Bells had picked her up had nothing to do with her mother, however.
This had so much more to do with anticipation and new beginnings and excitement.
"If you want to do this some other day, that's fine, babe. If this feels like too much–"
Farah brought Tara’s hand to her mouth. "No. I want to meet her. But I also don’t want to, you know?”
Tara groaned. “You’re getting meta on me, babe.”
Farah tried to explain better. “I want to see her, but I also know that once we walk in there, I will have to share you with them. That you…I wish I had not gone for three days.” She unlaced her fingers and pressed a soft kiss to Tara’s wrist. Her hair fell forward, covering her face. And the wonder she felt in her whole being as the scent of Tara – a thread of vanilla and her sweat – filled her nostrils. “I missed you, Star Bells.” It felt as if she was giving up a part of her soul as she formed and released those words.
Tara’s silence spoke volumes. Farah’s heart thudded. But she didn’t feel vulnerable. She felt bold. Thrilled that she had the courage to admit it to not just herself but to Tara.
“I jilled off about nine times in three days to you.”
Farah burst out laughing. The sound was loud inside the car as if several corks had been popped at the same time.
“And let me tell you, babe,” Tara continued in her delightful way, “there’s a world of difference in masturbating to the image of some stranger and the image of your sexy, stoic girlfriend.”
On and on continued Farah’s laughter, burning through her lungs and throat. She had heard of the cathartic power of tears, but it felt like that was true of her laughter. While her tears had shaken up the coldness and given
way to grief, this laughter shook out the fear that had always been her biggest weakness.
Fear of change. This resistance to bend to time’s will. She had once feared leaving her mother and stepping into the world outside. And now, she was afraid of loving Star Bells and where it might lead her. If she hadn’t come to the US, if she had not been intent on running away from all her family…she would have never met Tara.
The very idea made her shiver and Tara’s arms tightened around her. “Farah, let’s just go back, okay?”
She opened her eyes to find Tara studying her with a frown. Farah leaned in for a quick, hard kiss. God, she had missed this girl. She had missed her as if she was missing a vital part of her own makeup.
Tara leaned into the kiss with all the energy and laughter and greedy need she always brought to it. As if the taste of Farah was all she needed in the world. As if she would never be satisfied with just one kiss. They were panting and moaning against each other's mouths soon.
“When we return to your house, would you feel…” Farah could feel the heat rising in her cheeks, “would it be weird for you to spend the night with me?”
“Babe, you know I’ve been waiting for you to say yes. Why would it be weird?”
“Since your parents will be upstairs?”
“Ahh…yeah. Amma thinks it’s downright prudish of me to not want to talk to her about sex. But yes, it would be weird. Especially the first time. When I finally get you all naked, I don’t want to have to think of muffling my screams of joy. Fair warning, babe: I’m going to be shouting a lot.” Her fingers clasping Farah's cheek, Tara said, “I did come up with a solution. Also, I’ve got lots of surprises for you.”
Farah didn't have any time to ask questions because Tara exited the car, walked around, and opened her door. She stepped out into the drizzle and watched as Star Bells opened the hood of the car and pulled out an overnight bag.
"Don't ask," Tara said, a twinkle in her eyes.
Raindrops clung to her hair and her curved eyelashes.
