by Tara Pammi
Farah opened her eyes and they immediately found Tara in the middle of the group. “I already had met the person who brought me joy. I had already met the person I desperately want to tell my mother about. The person who has changed my life.”
Tears ran down her face and this time, Farah knew, they were not simply grief. They were goodbye. She did not need some gesture from the universe or the world beyond this to know that Mama was with her.
Mama would always be in her heart. But she had to start living for herself. Not simply to satisfy the woman who had lived her own life to the fullest.
She wiped at her cheeks and moved to stand up. “Excuse me, Nalini.”
Nalini reached out and laid her fingers on Farah’s wrist. “No, stay, Farah. If I’m not intruding, I’d like to hear what you mean.” She laughed again, but this sound was hollow. An empty echo of the real thing. “I’m not a stranger to loss,” she offered by way of explanation.
Farah sat down. She looked at her hands, feeling both a tightness and relief in her chest. “Grief is such a strange thing, you know. Just when you think you have made peace with your loss, when you think you’re moving on, the universe hits you with one more thing.”
Nalini nodded. “I’ve found that it just becomes a part of you.”
Farah nodded, looking at the tight clasp of her fingers. “You discover…this great gift you need to desperately tell to the person you have lost. Because no one else would get how big and monumental this discovery is for you. How scary even the joy feels. And yet, without losing them, you would not even recognize the gift for what it was. If that’s not one of life’s biggest ironies, I do not know what is.”
Nalini squeezed her fingers. “How do you move forward then?”
Farah’s gaze jerked to meet the older woman’s eyes. There was a stark emotion in her eyes that Farah didn’t recognize. Nalini looked as if she was standing at the edge of the cliff right there with Farah, waiting for the answer.
Farah smiled back at Nalini. “You live life to the fullest of your capabilities instead of hiding. There is never another way forward, is there?”
Nalini laughed and the husky sound made Farah blink. That broad, bright smile and the deep belly laugh had been the actress’s signature quirk. She didn’t miss the quick flash of pain in the actress’s beautiful brown gaze either.
“You don’t mince your words, do you?”
It was Farah’s turn to laugh. “If there’s one thing that Mama taught me, it’s that there’s no point to life if you aren’t living it honestly.”
“I’d have been honored to meet her, Farah,” Nalini said in a quiet voice.
Farah nodded, reveling in the immense good fortune she’d had with a mother who had lived and loved fearlessly. “Also, Star Bells says it’s my best quality.”
Nalini’s eyes twinkled with naughtiness. “Star Bells being your girlfriend who’s making eyes at you right now instead of focusing on the dance routine?”
Farah looked at Star Bells, whose grin deepened as it met hers. Tara blew off a kiss in Farah’s direction, then she moved her fingers over her ears, signaling to Farah to pay attention.
With KK and Jai standing behind her like tall, stalwart sentinels and providing chorus, Star Bells broke into a really bad rendition of an old Telugu song with the sweetest sentiment of love, of a girl waiting for her love and asking the universe to tell her when he would reach her. To tell him she was waiting. All three of them, of course, butchered the words with their American accents though Tara and Jai were much better. KK’s mother tongue was Hindi, not Telugu like Farah and Tara and Jai.
Finally, the song ended and applause broke out around them. KK stuck his fingers inside his mouth and let out a piercing whistle. Farah simply stared at Tara whose cheeks were reddening at all the attention she’d drawn to them.
She nodded, the depth of her affection for Tara stealing away all her words. But Star Bells knew her now. She blew a kiss at Farah and then went back to practice.
Past and future and present blended and separated and then blended back again in Farah’s head. So many new realities if one small variable changed. But for all the distortion of her thoughts, she saw the patterns of her life clearly. She saw the power she had in her hands, in this moment.
Choosing just one variable would change the shape of her entire future, of her life. And it wasn’t even about choosing happiness. That’s what Mama had tried to tell her.
It was simply about choosing life.
Nalini sat with her, right there, for a long time. As if she understood perfectly how much Farah needed companionship in her silence today. The lovely woman gave it with a perceptive generosity that Farah wasn’t surprised at.
After all, Star Bells liked this woman immensely.
“Thank you,” Farah said, breaking the silence.
Nalini got to her feet and extended her hand. “How about you show me some of your own moves? Tara said you’ve been helping her practice. That you’re really good.”
Farah stared at her hand and then glanced at the other dancers. “I have never danced in front of anyone. Except Star Bells, that is. She makes me do all kinds of things that I have never done before.”
Farah could feel her cheeks heating up fiercely.
Nalini, to give her credit, only grinned. “Come on, Farah. What was it you said about not hiding from life?”
Farah shot to her feet. “Now, see, you challenged me. That is one way to get me to do anything.”
She didn’t even know when or how Nalini signaled to the woman who ran the music system. The routine started at the top and Nalini took center stage.
The team formed a wide circle around her, the echo of their whoops and laughter making the room vibrate with energy. Farah walked into the circle and joined Nalini.
Watching Star Bells with an obsessive fascination as she shook her curves had finally paid off. Her fantastic memory helped. Farah could see shock and surprise dawn in twenty pairs of eyes as she matched Nalini, step for step, move for move, beat for beat. She felt electrified, so fully alive that her pulse was like a clanging beat in her veins.
Farah lost herself in the beat of the song and the feverish joy in the eyes of the girl she had fallen in love with.
Eleven
Farah
Farah came out of the shower into the cozy guest bedroom in Veer-the-intense-bodyguard’s cottage to find a variety of colorful boxes and gift bags and tissue paper strewn about. That they were spending the night at Veer’s cottage since he was camping out at Nalini’s mansion for the night had been Tara’s first surprise.
“Ready for your second surprise?” Tara yelled, standing behind the cloud of paper, dressed in a sleeveless, worn-out t-shirt that said ‘This Masala Life’. The top had been cut off in a very haphazard way to imitate a crop top. It obediently showed off her silky midriff and cute navel.
Light pink boy shorts hugged Tara’s thighs. The memory of the strip of her pubic hair and how she had fallen apart against Farah’s tongue hit Farah hard, making her damp between her legs.
“Eyes up here, babe,” Tara said.
Smiling, Farah walked towards the bed and eyed the various…apparatus in lavender and hot pink and one that was a gleaming turquoise, still wrapped in their shiny new packages.
They were toys. Adult toys. Sex toys.
Frowning, Farah picked up one. It was a glass dildo with tiny ridges in it. She did not have to own one to know these were all super pricey.
“Just so you know,” Tara piped up, an unusual hesitation in her voice, “I’m not at all assuming that you’d want to use any of these or all of these or that we have to do it…shit, don’t take this the wrong way, Farah.”
Farah looked up to find Tara biting her lip. She pushed away a couple of packages and crawled on the bed to get to her. The warmth from her skin, the vanilla scent mingled with her own, teased Farah, pulling at everything inside her. She wasn’t usually the aggressive partner when it came to sex, but
it cost her all the resolve she had to not just press Star Bells into the bed with her body. To just burrow under her skin. To lick all those luscious curves up and down as if she were a chocolate lollipop.
Pressing a finger to Tara’s lips, she said, “I dislike it when you sound as if you have done something wrong.”
“I haven’t?” Star Bells piped up against her lips. Farah rubbed her fingers over Tara’s gently.
“No. Nothing is ever going to be wrong about how much you want to be with me. How easily and generously you tell me you want me.” Farah looked around and laughed. “I just…all these must have cost so much money. How did you afford them?”
“I blew out my savings. I also borrowed a nice little sum from Zen. We came to an agreement that if I don’t pay it off in the next ten years, I’ll be his personal chef for the ten after that.”
Farah stared at her. “You borrowed money from him to buy sex toys?”
“Yeah, well, he agreed that the matter was important. And also, probably because I was sorta having a crisis just then. He gets twitchy when I cry. Really, I manipulated him, I think. Unknowingly, I mean.”
Farah made a sound that was a cross between a gasp and a sigh. “So wait, you told him it was to buy vibrators and dildos – and what’s that?”
“A strap on,” Star Bells said with a grin that was half lecherous and half confusion. And a little drummed-up enthusiasm. “See, this harness goes around your waist and then I think this thing…” she picked up the instructions sheet. “I was hoping you’d be the one to read all the instructions, babe. My eyes usually bug out after the second step.”
Laughter bubbled up in Farah’s chest. But she didn’t want to hurt Tara’s feelings.
“Are you angry that I discussed our plans with Zen?” Tara asked in a small voice. “I mean, it was either him or Amma and I don’t care how sex positive she and Dad are, I’m not discussing my sex life with them. Ever.”
“No. Of course not. I’m just trying to understand why you did not discuss all this with me.”
“Because I…” Tara glanced away.
“I’m here, Star Bells. Take your time,” Tenderness filled Farah, turning the white-hot desire in her belly into something else. “May I touch you?”
“Yes, please,” Tara murmured, pulling her legs onto the bed and tucking them under her. “I showered immediately after the practice.”
“I know,” Farah replied. “And I don’t care if you didn’t. I like how you smell.”
Slowly, Farah gathered Tara’s thick, wavy hair and pushed it back from her neck. Then she bent her head and pressed her lips to the soft skin there. Star Bells dragged in a deep breath. Farah kissed up and down the arch of her neck and the curve of her shoulder. In between, she got greedy and tasted Tara’s skin with her tongue. A lick here and a nip there…she loved building up the hum she could feel under Tara’s skin. Then she bit her where her pulse hammered.
Tara fidgeted under her ministrations, her thighs clenching and unclenching. “Fuck, you’re winding me up, babe.”
With every kiss, she could hear the hitch of Tara’s breath, feel the increasing tension in her body.
She moved her hand down Tara’s bare arm and then up and then down again. Finally, she placed her palm on the curve of Tara’s belly. Spreading her fingers wide, she used her pinkie to play with the hem of those cute boy shorts. With a loud groan, Tara pressed herself into Farah’s caress.
But while she wanted release, Farah also wanted to know what was on Tara’s mind. So she arrested her distracting hands, despite Star Bells’ protest and laid her head on Tara’s shoulder. She had always loved sex with a partner she liked and respected but this kind of true intimacy, this open dialogue, this generous give and take, was what she craved most. What she hadn’t had the first time. “Will you tell me what’s on your mind, Star Bells?”
Tara ran her hand up and down Farah’s bare arm. “You know this is my first time. You said… you’d been with a girl and a boy before. But you also didn’t seem eager to get here.” She looked up, pinning Farah with her brown gaze. The emotion in them zinged Farah as if she had reached out to touch a live wire. “I’m not complaining, you see.”
“Oh Tara.” Farah grabbed Tara’s hand and laced their fingers together tight. “You have no idea how much I want to be here with you. I just…think of me like one of those giant yachts on the ocean. I take time to turn around in a new direction, Star Bells.”
“The thing is I want to blow your mind, Farah.” Tara shrugged and the strap from her top fell. Revealing silky smooth brown flesh and the curve of her breast.
Farah closed her eyes, determined to do this quickly. “My first lover, she was also my best friend. Maya and I went to the same school since kindergarten. We competed at games, at exams. We even got our periods days apart.” An echo of that old ache washed over her. “During exams, we studied together. Night outs and then running off on her bike to get chai… we were inseparable. Her parents were very strict and orthodox, but they let her stay at my house for days on end. One summer, they went on a trip somewhere for a fortnight and Maya came to stay with us. We were nineteen, I think. I was ecstatic. I had admitted to myself that I was attracted to my best friend. I was in love with her. One night, we kissed.
The next night, we kissed some more. The next night, we…did more stuff. That fortnight, we spent every stolen moment in the day kissing in the bookstore, holding hands, looking at each other. And when night came…”
Tara wrapped her arm around Farah’s shoulders, as if she could sense what was coming. Farah leaned into the embrace. “After her parents returned, things went back to normal. I went to see her and I told her how I felt about her. I told her I loved her so much and that I was planning our future and I…” Farah sighed.
Her fingers rubbing at Farah’s shoulder, Tara whispered. “What happened?”
“Maya asked me if I had lost my mind. She said that our time together had been hot and fun but…it meant nothing. That she was not ‘like that’. That she’d been going with the flow.” Farah braced herself for the punch Maya’s words had landed on that long-ago day. “I…was hurt on so many levels. But I figured I couldn’t demand she admit that truth to herself, much less her parents. That I couldn’t demand she be brave and open. So I said that was fine. We could just continue as we were. We didn’t have to do anything she was uncomfortable with. I tried to reassure her that I would be her best friend – first and always.”
Tara’s arms tightened around her and Farah let the rest out. “She said we couldn’t be friends anymore. That I would remind her of something she’d rather forget. Like a dirty secret.”
Star Bells’s fingers stilled. “You mean she just cut you out of her life?”
Farah nodded. “I didn’t just lose a girlfriend. I lost my best friend that day. Two months later, she told me she was getting married and that was the last I heard or saw of her.”
“I’m so sorry that she hurt you like that, Farah. That she didn’t trust your friendship enough to understand you’d always be there for her.” Their fingers laced together, Tara gave Farah the silence and the space she needed.
“But sometimes,” Tara added in a small voice, as if she was afraid of her reception, “fear of society and its arbitrary dictates rule us so badly.”
Farah tilted her chin up to meet Tara’s eyes.
Tara raised her palms. “I’m not at all minimizing the fact that she behaved horribly. That she hurt you like that is…not okay. You deserve so much better. But, I also want to place some of the blame at our society’s feet. We’re conditioned to think sexuality is something none of us should think about or talk about. I’d like to think her fear of society superseded her love for you.” She pressed the pad of her thumb to Farah’s jaw.
Farah nodded. After all these years, there was a part of her that could acknowledge the truth in Tara’s words. “You are right. Very few have the kind of support we do.”
Tara nodded. “Eve
n with Amma and Dad’s support, I miss my Mavayya, you know. He was a big part of my life since I was a child. And now suddenly, he looks at me as if I’m a new person. As if I’m not the same girl he bought that camera for.”
Farah gathered Tara to her and kissed her softly on the temple. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I brought up Maya. I don’t want tonight to be about anyone except us, Star Bells.”
“Because you wanted me to understand why you were hesitant to jump into bed with me. Even though you can’t stop staring at my fantastic tits.”
Farah sent her hands on an exploration and gently cupped those fantastic tits in question. “Now you want to tell me what is with the toy expo here?”
“There’s no manual about how to be a lesbian or a course you can take, y’know – Lesbianism 101, lab work included?” Tara said drolly, bringing laughter right back into the air around them. “I mean last year, Zen’s cousin took me to a party and this woman said I didn’t look lesbian enough.”
“What the fuck does that mean?” Farah demanded.
“She said I dressed too feminine for a lesbian and if I wanted others to pick up on it, I should dress differently. I’ve never felt more miserable in my own skin. Never felt so much like a….pretender.”
“One dummy’s opinion doesn’t mean anything, Star Bells.”
“I know. I do, but the point is I didn’t want to go in blind with you.”
“How do you mean?”
“So I did a lot of research – also because I promised Amma that I’d practice safe sex. And when I did, I lost whatever little confidence I had. Some of those positions are super complicated, Farah.”
Farah thought her heart might melt and leak out of her as Tara pulled a notebook from the rubble of tissue papers and posh gift bags and opened the pages to a super-complicated pose of two stick figures in a bath, doing what looked like painful gymnastics.
“This one’s called Erotic Maypole,” Tara said, pointing to the crude picture. She turned the page to point to another one. “And this one involves one of us lifting the other and this one…” More and more sketches appeared as Star Bells turned the pages.
