by Tara Pammi
I shook my head, feeling all kinds of stupid.
"I thought you were smarter than this, Tara," she said sounding genuinely surprised. "I thought we had raised you better than to think your value lay in how you conform to traditional paths." There was no emotion as she said any of these things and yet the words hit me hard. She looked at her hands and then up at my dad. "Is this my fault, Ravi? Did I do something to make her feel like this?"
I pushed up from my chair and threw myself at her. I was sobbing now. I got snot and tears all over my mother's hair but I didn't care. "You didn't. This is all my fault. I should have talked to you. I went into a really negative place in my head since Thaatha left. I saw myself as a failure and decided everyone saw me like that. You, even Zen...and the more I felt that lonely, the more I decided I wanted to be lonely and miserable. When Dad tried to talk to me, I acted like a brat.” I blew out a breath. “It was just a vicious cycle I wanted to be stuck in, so that I could feel sorry for myself.” Then I looked at Amma and spoke clearly. “You always encouraged me to come to you with everything. My fault was in thinking that you are like everybody else's parents."
"We're not?" Dad said, his mouth twitching.
"No. You're the most amazing parents ever," I said. I released Amma and went back to my chair. "I'm going to get a degree in merchandising and marketing, maybe. Some kind of business degree. But not just immediately. I have some plans for my channel and yeah…" I said, not wanting to reveal everything. "I’m going to talk to Deepika’s CEO sister about monetizing my channel. Then I’m going to finish writing the book I started about recipes and Ammamma and how food is our connection to history and culture. Then I have a meeting with Ria to talk about that agent friend she’s got in New York.”
Dad looked at me as if I’d grown horns. Amma just looked at me with that serene confidence that said she wasn’t surprised by anything I achieved. God, I was such a damned fool.
“I swear I'm not going to spend the rest of my life mooching off of you guys, okay? I just need to figure out what my path is going to be."
"As long as you are working towards something, that's all we care about,” Dad added.
I hugged them both again and went downstairs. My hands were shaking as I picked up my phone. My fingers hovered on Farah's name for a long time. I so desperately wanted to talk to her.
In the end, I decided to do it my way.
The glittery, extra way. Not the traditional way.
Because nothing about my life had ever been straight or predictable or traditional. And I was pretty sure the girl I loved appreciated me for exactly who I was.
Fourteen
Farah
Farah pulled off the eye mask and blew out a breath. Even the quiet hum of the aircraft and the constant snoring of the lady in the seat next to her couldn’t distract her.
It was easily the biggest decision she’d ever made based on a gut feeling and without logical proof. That had to be the reason why she felt so keyed up. Leaning her head back, Farah forced herself to take a deep breath of the sterile air.
There were at least nine more hours left before the flight landed at Sea-Tac airport. Clearing customs and picking up her luggage, and then catching a taxi to Star Bells’ house would add a few more hours to that nine hours.
Basically, at least thirteen hours before she saw Tara. Before she could see her reaction to the huge decision that Farah had made. It couldn’t be good for her to be this wired up for such a long time. Then she remembered the video she’d saved for the long flight.
In her hurry to reach for her backpack tucked under the seat in front of her, she poked the snoring lady and ended up having to apologize. Finally, she found her cellphone and scrolled to the video she’d downloaded earlier. It was the latest vlog of This Masala Life.
Plugging in her earphones, she clicked play. The shot opened to Star Bells standing behind the kitchen island, beaming into the camera. She was wearing a white t-shirt with a V neck that looked super sexy on her, with a thin chain at her neck, paired with dark blue jeans.
Her breath hitching in her throat, Farah zoomed in on Tara’s neck. The rectangle shaped pendant had ‘Star Bells’ spelled it out in tiny letters. Farah gasped. When had Tara gotten the pendant?
But the questions only lingered for a second. Such deep longing filled Farah that a shiver went through her body. She had to pause the video and gulp in a few breaths.
A giddy joy filled her, making the ordeal of being boxed into the seat on the plane, for hours on end, even worse. She couldn’t stop grinning. Then she hit play.
Hello my lovely Lifers! A huge welcome to This Masala Life with me – Tara Muvvala!
Tara paused to lift one of those giant coffee mugs and took a sip. Her logo – her smiling face and the cup of chai, were on the mug.
Today, I have a big announcement and then a bunch of small ones, so this is more of a life update. A HUGE life update, if you will. Next week, I’ll be back with a new recipe.
Announcement #1: Your girl Tara’s finally passed the algebra class and is now a proud high school graduate.
Loud fanfare filled Farah’s ears following the announcement and a ‘whoop’ escaped her mouth. So Star Bells had passed the class. Farah refused to feel bad that Tara hadn’t texted her. In the six weeks that she’d been gone, they hadn’t communicated with each other. And yet, Farah felt just as close to Star Bells as she’d ever done.
Announcement #2: I’ve always been truthful with you, lovely Lifers and shall continue to do so.
This last year was hard. On so many levels. Coming out, failing high school, and some family members cutting me out of their life – I burrowed into my hole and stayed there, making it a hundred times worse on myself.
The most important thing however is that I survived. And I only did it because I reached out for help. My parents, my friends, our dance club...I had a great support system around me. But I should let you know I’ve started therapy.
And I’m here to tell you that there’s nothing wrong with taking that extra bit of help from an objective professional. If you have any questions about my experience, drop them in the comments and as always, I’ll answer to the best of my ability.
Announcement #3: I have a new merchandising shop open and it’s stocked with so many goodies. I’m doing a collab with the Spice Bazaar chain soon called This Spicy Life. Lots of exciting things ahead here at This Masala Life central! All the links for the store will be in the description box. And there’s special discounts for subscribers of this channel on all the goodies. I love my Lifers!
Now then, it’s time for the HUGE announcement! And believe me, when I say it’s big!
Farah’s heart thudded loudly as a wide smile stretched Star Bells’ mouth and unadulterated joy sparkled from her eyes. A melodious soundtrack began in the background as Tara looked straight into the camera.
Your girl’s fallen in love!
More fanfare music followed the quiet announcement. Farah fell back against her seat, her heart lodging in her throat. Her breaths came in shallow, her cheeks felt warm. Her pulse went haywire. She rewound the clip to just before Tara’s announcement, played it and then rewound it. Again. And again.
And then Farah laughed, disbelief and joy and love roping and twining in her belly.
She must have laughed really loudly because the snoring lady poked her in the arm to ask Farah if she was okay. Farah mumbled something in reply, and then played the clip again. This time Farah didn’t pause after the announcement.
Now I know you’ll want all the delicious deets. So I’ve got them. I’ve been dying to share this news with my most loyal Lifers! I’ve fallen in love in a matter of a few weeks and if I tell you the delicious details of our Meet Cute...
Star Bells winked at the screen here.
Well, my girl’s the serious, reserved type so I have to keep those to myself. You folks understand that, right?
Tara touched the pendant at her neck, her eyes full of an incande
scent joy Farah now could feel within herself.
So this girl that I’m totes crazy about: She’s grumpy, and silent and stoic –and yes, completely my opposite. Can you believe that? I went and fell for the sexy, silent type, folks! But she’s also the sweetest, even if it takes time for her to let us see that side of her. You’ve got to earn it, you see? Because once she’s yours, I think she’s yours for the rest of your life.
I can hear you folks wondering: how do you know, Tara? You being a naïve nineteen and all? You want to know how I know?
This time, a seriousness entered Tara’s eyes.
Being with her, even thinking of her, makes me love myself, Lifers. Makes me happy in my own skin. She’s made me see that I’m worthy of being loved, for exactly who I am. And that’s how I know I love her. And will always do.
Star Bells blew a kiss into the camera.
Farah shut the video off after that. Tears filled her eyes and flowed onto her cheeks. Burrowing towards the window of the aircraft, she let them fall. These were tears of joy, she knew. She pulled out the picture she’d tucked of Mama and her into her handbag and smiled through the tears.
“She loves me, Mama,” she said in a hoarse whisper, and then pressed it to her heart. Her mother would’ve loved to meet Tara. Would’ve seen in an instant how special she was. And that was something Farah knew with every beat of her heart.
She lost count of the number of times she replayed that video.
Farah had never doubted it, but it was nice to know that the girl she’d uprooted her entire life for, did love her. For a girl who’d made a leap based on her heart and not the sound logical proof she usually needed, it was nice to know that she could absolutely trust in her own heart.
"You told your 90,431 subscribers that you love me before you even told me," Farah said, while she was still standing on the last step of Prof. Rao's basement stairs.
Star Bells turned, let out a gasp, raced out from behind the tripod, kicked it with her foot, made the expensive equipment scatter in all directions and then came to a complete stop.
Farah had hoped, during the endless flight, that Tara would do something extra and movie-esque, like run towards Farah in slow motion and throw herself at her. Farah would catch her and lift her and impress her with her muscle power. She liked impressing Star Bells like that.
In fact, ‘hoped’ was putting it mildly. It would be even more of an understatement to say Farah had been really trying to keep up her strength regimen just so she could lift and do other things with her extra girlfriend.
But Tara did none of those things. She stood next to the couch and stared at Farah as if she couldn't believe her own eyes.
"Star Bells?" Farah stepped off the last step and moving into the living area.
"Are you so sure that I was talking about you?" Tara countered.
"I am more confident than I have ever been in my entire life of anything. That when you said you had fallen in love with a girl, you were talking about me, Star Bells. And you know me, I don't believe anything without solid, logical proof."
"And you have proof of this?" Tara asked, covering the distance between them just one more step.
Farah smiled. "So you do want to do this in your extra, cheesy cinematic way, huh?" She threw her backpack down and rotated her shoulders. "Are you ready for this?"
Tara nodded, her smile still hesitant. But it was growing wider and brighter by the second. Her brown eyes glowed with the same conviction that Farah had seen growing in her own eyes when she looked at herself.
She put her hand on her chest and felt the thud of her heart. "I knew it here, even before you said it, Star Bells. I knew it before I left. I think I knew it when you tackled me to the floor and then lied about it."
“Hey, I wasn’t lying about that.”
Her beautiful, lovely girlfriend took another step towards Farah. Raising her hands, she pulled at a clip and all her lovely hair tumbled free from that messy bun and fell to her shoulders in dark waves. She looked sexy and cute in a way that only Tara could manage.
After drinking in her face, Farah let her gaze wander to the bright yellow T-shirt Tara wore. There was an illustration of her face on the T-shirt with her signature big earrings and jet-black hair and a logo that said ‘this masala life’ in red and brown. There was a small chai cup next to the life.
"Eyes up here, babe," Tara said.
Farah's heart thudded faster and faster as she realized that it was only a couple of steps that separated them now. "I was looking at your face," she said with a smile. "Not your fantastic tits."
And then Star Bells came at her. All arms and hair and curves and gasps and complaints and laughter and curses and Farah laughed and lost her balance and they both toppled to the floor.
Luckily, Farah was able to turn them at the last second so that they landed on their sides and were just winded from the fall. She didn't know who reached for whom. They were kissing, and kissing was like breathing, and kissing was loving and living and everything in between.
"I love you, Star Bells," Farah said as soon as she was able to breathe. “You have no idea how much I have wanted to say it. How much I’ve longed to see you.”
Then Star Bells kissed her again. Her voice rose and fell as she kissed Farah on her forehead, the tip of her nose, her cheeks all the while whispering, “You took six weeks to come back and that’s like...forever. I missed you so much, Farah.” Her face pressed into the hollow of Farah’s throat, Tara added, “My hand is critically injured from all the masturbating I’ve done, Farah.”
Farah raised the hand in question and kissed the back. “Poor baby.”
Then Star Bells looked up, into her eyes, and smiled. "I hoped you’d see that video.”
"I did. You know what I loved even more than hearing you say you loved me?"
"What?"
"I loved seeing how happy you were. I loved seeing you realize what a fierce, fantastic girl you already are. I loved hearing about all your plans. I loved seeing you come into your own, Star Bells. And then I…”
Tara looked up, her breaths warm strokes against Farah’s flickering pulse. “You what?”
Farah met her eyes and made the leap off the cliff. “I hoped you would have a small space in your life for this grumpy girl. In all your grand plans. I just want to be a part of your life, Tara. In any way I can.”
“Don’t make me cry. I cried enough after you left.”
Farah gathered her close, breathing in the scent of Star Bells. “I won’t. Promise, I won’t.”
"You helped me see it," Tara said, her eyes bright with unshed tears. “You really helped me see myself for who I am, Farah. And I wished I had the courage to tell you how much I love you before you left."
Farah shook her head. She gently wiped the tears that fell down Tara’s cheeks. "I knew it, Star Bells. I knew that I belonged with you. And you with me, and I didn’t need any proof. I was desperate to leave as soon as possible because that meant I could come back to you permanently.”
Tara’s eyes widened and she bit Farah on the shoulder. Farah moaned and scooted closer. “I should add sneaky to stoic and sexy.”
Farah laughed. And then dipped her head for another deep, hard kiss. “I just needed,” she said, her lips stinging with pleasure, “to make sure I had everything else figured out. To get my – what is that saying? – ducks in a line.”
“Ducks in a row,” Tara prompted, her fingers drawing distracting circles around Farah’s neck and down.
“Ducks in a row so that I could follow my girlfriend the world over while she told stories about food and history and maybe fuck her if she was feeling horny,” Farah finished, lifting her thigh and arranging it such that they neatly fit together. “A girl can hope, can’t she?”
"Yes, please,” Tara murmured, rubbing herself against Farah. “For fucking and laughing and eating and blazing our own path through the world.”
"I have applied to the doctorate program here at UW and at two othe
r universities. I’m pretty sure I’d be admitted here. I will rent a flat and we can see each other. I’m hoping by the time I finish my doctorate, you will be ready for your trek through India and all the amazing hole-in-the-wall places you want to visit. After that, we can live wherever you build your empire.”
The sudden silence that dawned made Farah’s breath hitch in her throat. “Sorry, Star Bells. I didn’t mean to plan our entire future without your input. I just...I like making plans. For us. Forever,” she added, feeling incredibly vulnerable.
“Oh, I’m all for you making the plans, babe. I just...I’m stunned that you have such faith in me, Farah. An empire, huh?” Tara finally said in a voice that was full of awe and love.
Farah snuck her fingers into all that lovely hair and pulled until Tara had to look into her eyes. “Yes, Star Bells. You’re a queen in the making and I’m happy to follow you around wherever you build your kingdom.”
“I love you,” Tara murmured against Farah’s lips. And then frowned. “You don’t want to live here in the meantime?”
“I want my own space. And I want privacy, Star Bells. I plan to make up for all the pain your poor wrist had to go through these last few weeks. I plan to use you for my own very personal research project. And maybe one day I’ll publish my recordings.”
“And what would the subject be?”
“How to satisfy your horny bunny girlfriend?” Farah whispered instantly, having spent quite some time thinking about it.
Tara giggled and sank her fingers into Farah's hair and pulled her closer. Their bodies fit together as if they were two different parts of the puzzle. They kissed some more and laughed more and made more plans about where to spend the night. About where to vacation next year. And what else they would get up to for the rest of their lives.
And Farah knew that the new adventure of her life had just begun.
Loving Star Bells was going to be like a long, complex equation that would never be done.
