by Alana Terry
Termination Dust
a novel by Alana Terry
“All your children will be taught by the LORD, and great will be their peace.”
Isaiah 54:13
Note: The views of the characters in this novel do not necessarily reflect the views of the author, nor is their behavior necessarily condoned.
The characters in this book are fictional. Any resemblance to real persons is coincidental. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form (electronic, audio, print, film, etc.) without the author’s written consent.
Termination Dust
Copyright © 2019 Alana Terry
Scriptures quoted from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
www.alanaterry.com
CHAPTER 1
Kimmie should have never mentioned the funeral home to her stepfather. What had she been thinking?
Maybe it was defiance. Or maybe the grief was keeping her from acting rationally.
“You think I’m made out of money?” Chuck bellowed. “You’re just like your mother. That woman was always nagging me, every day of my life. More, more, more. It’s all she could say.”
His voice rose in a mocking falsetto. Kimmie’s mother was lying in the morgue, but Chuck continued to mock her heartlessly. “Honey, we need more grocery money. Honey, we’re late on the car payment. Do you know how much I hated her whining?” He blew his nose then dropped the used paper towel onto the floor.
He and Kimmie both stared at it, a familiar battle of wills as he silently demanded she clean up after him.
She glowered at him.
Things were going to be different now. They had to be. Her mother — God rest her soul — had wanted to escape. For years, Mom fed Kimmie dreams of freedom in hushed whispers. “We can go move to your sister’s in Anchorage. Meg will take us in.”
But Kimmie had learned years earlier not to get her hopes up. Mom wasn’t going anywhere. And in her darkest moments, she hated her weakness. Maybe it was Kimmie’s fault. If she’d only been more supportive or more courageous, she could have forced Mom to leave. Her sister only lived a four-hour drive away. Mom could have gotten help. She could have been safe.
But Mom refused to run away. She decided to remain trapped here in this trailer, stuck in a life with no other purpose than picking up Chuck’s snot-ridden paper towels, heating up his canned chili, opening his bottles of beer. Mom and Kimmie had both stayed, a silent agreement, a vow they never spoke but both understood. Kimmie would never leave her mother. Not here, not with Chuck.
So Mom had taken the only escape she could.
Now Kimmie was free to go. She could walk out that door, show the spunk and self-respect and courage Mom could never manage to conjure up.
That’s what she should do. That’s what any outside observer would expect her to do, like that kind trooper who responded to Kimmie’s call the day Mom died. Even now, Taylor’s soft eyes and soothing voice gave her confidence.
Courage.
You didn’t deserve any of this. She could almost hear the trooper whispering the words to her. He was new to the force, not one of the regulars who used to come and do well-child checks when Kimmie was still a minor, back when she was expected to lie away every single bruise and cut on her body.
When Taylor came to her trailer, Kimmie was struck by how young he looked. She was a confused mess after finding her Mom’s body in the garage, but he listened to her patiently, even offering to make her tea to help her calm down. The suggestion made her feel like an entirely different person, the kind of person who kept her kitchen stocked with nice things like tea bags and sugar cubes and pretty, matching mugs.
Instead, they settled on lukewarm Cokes.
Kimmie and Taylor had sat at the folding table in the kitchen and talked. Even though the questions were all pointed toward explaining her mother’s suicide, she felt like he understood her. Only at one point, Kimmie got flustered when Taylor asked why she stayed at home when nearly everyone else in Glennallen left rural Alaska after high school.
“My mom’s not very healthy,” she stammered, fumbling over her words. It was difficult to know which tense she was supposed to use as the EMTs were at that same moment preparing to transport her mom’s body after cutting her down from the garage rafters. “I’ve been watching over her.”
The real answer, as Kimmie knew, was far more complicated. She thought she recognized in Taylor’s eyes an expression of compassion. Understanding.
Did he know what her life was really like? Could he guess?
Maybe it was because he was the only man even close to her age who had spoken to her kindly in years. Or maybe because as a trooper he signified everything Kimmie had been longing for — bravery, confidence, the ability to protect others — that she hadn’t stopped thinking about him since that first meeting three days ago.
And now it was Taylor’s voice she heard in her head, the same man who sat with her the day her mom died, drinking Coke because as far as Kimmie knew Chuck had never owned a single tea bag in his life. You didn’t deserve any of this.
Taylor didn’t understand. Even if Kimmie wanted a happier life, freeing herself from Chuck wasn’t nearly as simple or straight-forward as opening that door and walking down the driveway toward the Glenn Highway, hitching a ride to Anchorage where her older sister would be ready to take her.
Her stepfather cleared his throat — a wet, phlegmy noise that made Kimmie feel nauseated. Or maybe that was the hunger. When was the last time she’d eaten? Chuck had skipped breakfast and lunch, perhaps dealing with the loss of his wife in his own way. But when Chuck didn’t eat, that meant the family didn’t eat. Kimmie was older. She was used to hunger pains.
It was harder for Pip.
She’d put her half brother down for his afternoon nap about an hour earlier, sitting on their bed with his head in her lap. Like most days they spent at home instead of at the daycare where she worked, she smoothed Pip’s forehead and sang him to sleep. The ditties were the ones her mother taught her, the ones she and Pip both loved, Bible verses set to music. Chuck would throw a fit if he heard them, but some football game was blaring on the TV, drowning out Kimmie’s clandestine melody.
And we know that in all things … all things … all things … And we know that in all things God does what’s best for those who love him.
It had been one of Kimmie’s favorites when she was Pip’s age, a time before Chuck, before this drafty trailer, this squalor. A time when Mom looked young and happy, always waiting with open arms for cuddles and hugs, always ready to make up a new song.
And we know that in all things … all things … all things …
With drooping eyelids and cheeks stained with tears, Pip had looked up at her and in his own invented sign language made a flame. The fire song was his favorite, and Kimmie felt her own soul encouraged as she sang him the words.
When you walk through the river, you know I’m with you.
When you pass through the water, I’m right there by your side.
When you walk through the fire, you’ll never be burned.
Those flames, they won’t set you ablaze.
Maybe Mom’s little tune is what gave Kimmie the courage to confront Chuck after Pip was finally asleep. Then again, confront was far too strong a word to describe the way she tip-toed into the living room, her heart thudding in her chest, her hands clammy with sweat.
“I think we should have a funeral.” She’d been shocked that her voice didn’t squeak.
Chuck crushed his beer can and tossed it onto the carpet, hocking a wad of spit in the direction where it fell. “D
on’t got the money.”
Kimmie knew that was a lie. Mom had died the day before her deposit from welfare cleared the bank. Factoring in Chuck’s disability payments, Kimmie knew there was money to be had. It usually took Chuck at least ten days into each month to drink through their funds. Besides, her sister could cover any actual expense, but now wasn’t the time to rub her stepfather’s nose in Meg’s success.
“I’m not asking for anything fancy,” she persisted, “but you were married for ten years. The least you could do is give her a proper burial.”
This time, the loogie Chuck spat landed on the carpet near Kimmie’s bare feet. “The witch killed herself. No Christian pastor’s gonna bury her, and funeral homes aren’t nothing but a rip-off.”
“I already called Glennallen Bible.” Kimmie had anticipated and was ready for her stepfather’s arguments. “The pastor there said he’d be willing to …”
Chuck pointed the remote at the TV screen and turned up the game until the sound of wildly cheering fans made Kimmie feel as though her teeth were rattling in place. She folded her hands across her chest. “I think it’s at least worth considering.”
Chuck glowered at her. “You telling me how to take care of my own business?”
She shook her head, but it was too late. Chuck was out of his seat. Kimmie only had time to flinch before he swung out his arm and slapped her hard across the face.
“You talking back to me?”
She set her jaw so he couldn’t see her pained expression.
“You’re no better than that witch of a mom of yours.” He spat in her face, and Kimmie was relieved at the smell of stale beer. When Chuck was drunk, he never bothered to waste too much energy beating her.
He pushed her aside, and she stayed down, praying and hoping he’d be too tired to persist in his fight. Praying and hoping Pip would sleep through his father’s rage or at least have the good sense to stay in his room.
Chuck gave Kimmie’s back a half-hearted kick then stomped back over to his recliner, flinging several dirty napkins and half a bag of spilled sunflower seeds onto the floor by his feet.
Kimmie didn’t mention the idea of a funeral again.
CHAPTER 2
Later that night, Kimmie stared out the window in the bedroom she shared with Pip and listened to her brother’s gentle snoring. A full harvest moon rose through her window, providing enough light that she could still see the white tips of the mountains behind the trailer. As a child, Kimmie always loved that first sprinkling of snow on the mountain peaks — the termination dust that signaled the end of summer, the start of a new school year.
She’d been a good student. Even after her widowed mother moved them from Anchorage and into Chuck’s trailer when Kimmie was a teen, she had managed to keep up her grades. The Glennallen high school was small, just a little more than two dozen in her class, but Kimmie had been popular enough and respected. She learned how to pretend well enough that, as far as she knew, she never gave anyone reason to suspect what kind of hell she was living through at home.
In a way, those high-school years — riddled though they were with petty fights, catty gossips, acne breakouts, and nearly paralyzing self-consciousness — were easier than the life she was leading now. School gave her a place to escape, a sanctuary where for seven and a half hours out of every single weekday Kimmie was free from her stepfather’s incessant demands, yelling fits, and occasional beatings. That’s why seeing the termination dust on the mountains at the end of each August always left Kimmie feeling hopeful.
Free.
But all that was in the past now. Her friends from high school left Glennallen years ago, some to college, others to jobs in Anchorage or the Lower 48. In fact, Kimmie hadn’t even graduated with her class. Pip was born over Christmas break during her senior year, and since the delivery left Mom weak and anemic, Chuck decided Kimmie would stay home to help watch over the house and the baby. She earned her GED the same month her friends from high school started moving away from home, mostly for good. Kimmie didn’t blame them. How many times had she fantasized about leaving herself?
She and Mom had dreamed about it in scared, hushed whispers in the bedroom while Chuck dozed on his littered reclining chair.
“Meg will take us in,” Mom always declared. Kimmie’s older sister was seventeen when Chuck came into the picture, and she had successfully convinced Mom to let her live with her best friend so she could finish her senior year with her class in Anchorage.
Chuck was glad there was one fewer mouth to feed.
As Kimmie quickly learned what kind of man her stepfather was, she dreamed of a home with Meg. A life in Anchorage — and more importantly a life free from Chuck — would make putting up with her sister’s infuriating superiority complex worthwhile.
The unfortunate — maybe even pathetic — truth was that Mom was too scared to leave Chuck, and Kimmie was too loyal to leave Mom alone with a monster like him. And so they suffered together, drawing hope from their plans of escape whispered in dark bedrooms while the man who held them captive snored loudly from his easy chair.
And the years passed.
Mom grew gray, then got pregnant. Kimmie dropped out of school, and the baby brother she expected to despise snuggled up against her chest, with little dribbles of milk leaking from the corners of his mouth and gas bubbles that made him look like he was smiling directly at her.
Kimmie was so protective of her little brother, she swore she’d kill Chuck before letting him harm such a helpless, innocent creature. But as far as she knew, Pip’s father had never raised a hand to him, a mystery Kimmie didn’t know whether to attribute to their shared genetics or shared gender or maybe even the miraculous answer to all those prayers she’d prayed over Pip when he was a soft newborn who smelled like milk and baby powder.
It took almost a year for Mom to recover from the trauma of her home birth, where she’d been attended only by Kimmie and Chuck, who refused to let any member of the family set foot in a hospital or doctor’s office. Even once her body repaired itself, Mom never regained her energy, and the bulk of the parenting fell on Kimmie. Apparently, this was Chuck’s plan from the beginning. He wanted Mom free to wait on him, to dump his tin cans of beans and chili into the stove pot every few hours, to keep him in constant supply of sunflower seeds, cold coffee, and freshly opened beer. By the time the condensation no longer glistened on the can, the booze was declared too stale, and Mom was sent to the kitchen to fetch another.
Kimmie strained her ears to listen for Chuck’s snoring. Even before Mom’s death, he’d stopped sleeping regularly in their room. Apparently, it was much easier to remain in the reclining chair twenty-four hours a day. She was surprised he still made the effort to walk himself to the toilet, an act which comprised the entirety of Chuck’s physical activity if you disregarded the exercise he got hitting the members of his family.
All except Pip. God continued to answer Kimmie’s prayers for his safety. For her brother’s sake, she was grateful. But that also complicated any plans Kimmie might make about her future. Mom was no longer Chuck’s hostage. As tragic as her suicide was, Mom was now free. Which meant Kimmie could leave.
But what would happen to Pip?
She turned to look at him, sucking his thumb in his sleep. She should probably discourage the habit, but tonight she didn’t have the energy or the will. Pip was so young. Too young to lose a mom. Younger even than Kimmie had been when her father died. She didn’t have any memories of her dad. One of her biggest fears was that Pip would forget their mom entirely.
How do you keep someone’s memory alive? How do you keep a child from growing up and forgetting entirely? Kimmie had lost track of how many times as a kid she said or thought something like, my Dad died when I was four, but it’s not that big of a deal because I didn’t really know him.
How could she have been so wrong? About her father, about everything? If Mom were here, Kimmie might ask. Not about her fa
ther. That subject was clearly off-limits for as long as they lived under Chuck’s roof. But what was Kimmie supposed to do now, especially without Mom’s guidance?
She stared out the window. Wispy clouds had drifted in and found their way just below the full moon, which lent them an eerie glow. Kimmie didn’t believe in ghosts. The only afterlife she trusted in was the picture of heaven Mom had taught her from her earliest years. She was supposed to feel happy for Mom, now free from her suffering, free from her life held prisoner to Chuck.
A siren wailed from the Glenn Highway. Kimmie thought about Taylor, the kind trooper who’d shared Cokes with her in the kitchen just a few days earlier.
What was he doing now? Did he think of her? What would he say if he knew what Kimmie’s life was really like? What would he do?
Pip made a little whimper in his sleep. Kimmie pulled back his tattered blanket, crawled onto the mattress next to him, and stared at the wall where the harvest moon cast dancing shadows from the drifting clouds outside.
CHAPTER 3
Kimmie woke up to a crisp autumn morning. She and Pip had been clutching each other in their sleep, whether from the cold or the sheer loneliness of their existence and the grief they both shared.
She slid out of bed, careful not to wake him, and peeked out the bedroom door. Chuck was still asleep in his recliner, but the quiet and peace of the morning wouldn’t last long. If she was lucky, she’d have time for a shower without hearing her stepfather yell about all the money she wasted running the hot water.
Maybe if he fixed all the stupid leaks in this cheap trailer, she wouldn’t be so cold all the time and need to thaw herself out under the scalding flow.
Kimmie had taken these past few days off from work, but they needed her back at the daycare soon. One of her coworkers had recently moved away — no one knew where — and Kimmie and her friend Jade were now the only reliable staff.
