Feeble miaow. Pause. Second miaow, louder.
B: That must be the cat.
A: Sounds like it. (Long pause.) So, agreed? Black future, unpardonable—
B: As you wish. (He starts to tidy back the papers in the briefcase. Wearily.) Let him jump.
A: No further exhibit?
B: Let him jump, let him jump. (He finishes tidying, gets up with the briefcase in his hand.) Let’s go.
A consults his watch.
A: It is now … ten … twenty-five. We have no train before eleven twenty. Let us kill the time here, talking of this and that.
B: What do you mean, eleven twenty? Ten fifty.
A takes a time-table from his pocket, opens it at relevant page and hands it to B.
A: Where it’s marked with a cross. (B consults the time-table, hands it back to A and sits down again. Long pause. A clears his throat. Pause. Impassionately.) How many unfortunates would be so still today if they had known in time to what extent they were so! (Pause.) Remember Smith?
B: Smith? (Pause.) Never knew anyone of that name.
A: Yes you did! A big fat redhair. Always to be seen hanging round World’s End. Hadn’t done a hand’s turn for years. Reputed to have lost his genitals in a shooting accident. His own double-barrel that went off between his legs in a moment of abstraction, just as he was getting set to let fly at a quail.
B: Stranger to me.
A: Well to make a long story short he had his head in the oven when they came to tell him his wife had gone under an ambulance. Hell, say he, I can’t miss that, and now he has a steady job in Marks and Spencer’s. (Pause.) How is Mildred?
B (disgustedly): Oh you know—(Brief burst of birdsong. Pause.) Good God!
A: Philomel!
B: Oh that put the heart across me!
A: Hsst! (Low.) Hark hark! (Pause. Second brief burst, louder. Pause.) It’s in the room! (He gets up, moves away on tiptoe.) Come on, let’s have a look.
B: I’m scared!
He gets up none the less and follows cautiously in the wake of A. A advances on tiptoe upstage right. B tiptoes after.
A (turning): Hsst! (They advance, halt in the corner. A strikes a match, holds it above his head. Pause. Low.) She’s not here. (He drops the match and crosses the stage on tiptoe followed on tiptoe by B. They pass before the window, halt in the corner upstage left. Match as before. Pause.) Here she is!
B (recoiling): Where?
A squats. Pause.
A: Lend me a hand.
B: Let her be! (A straightens up painfully, clutching to his belly a large birdcage covered with a green silk cloth fringed with beads. He starts to stagger with it towards his table.) Give it here.
B helps to carry the cage. Holding it between them they advance warily towards A’s table.
A (breathing hard): Hold on a second. (They halt. Pause.) Let’s go. (They move on, set down the cage gently on the table. A lifts cautiously the cloth on the side away from the audience, peers. Pause.) Show a light.
B takes up the lamp and shines it inside the cage. They peer, stooped. Long pause.
B: There’s one dead.
They peer.
A: Have you a pencil? (B hands him a long pencil. A pokes it between the bars of the cage. Pause.) Yes.
He withdraws the pencil, puts it in his pocket.
B: Hi!
A gives him back his pencil. They peer. A takes B’s hand and changes its position.
A: There.
They peer.
B: Is it the cock or the hen?
A: The hen. See how drab she is.
B (revolted): And he goes on singing! (Pause.) There’s lovebirds for you!
A: Lovebirds! (Guffaw.) Ah Morvan, you’d be the death of me if I were sufficiently alive! Lovebirds! (Guffaw.) Finches, pinhead! Look at that lovely little green rump! And the blue cap! And the white bars! And the gold breast! (Didactic.) Note moreover the characteristic warble, there can be no mistaking it. (Pause.) Oh you pretty little pet, oh you bonny wee birdie! (Pause. Glum.) And to think all that is organic waste! All that splendour!
They peer.
B: They have no seed. (Pause.) No water. (Pointing.) What’s that there?
A: That? (Pause. Slow, toneless.) An old cuttle-bone.
B: Cuttle-bone?
A: Cuttle-bone.
He lets the cloth fall back. Pause.
B: Come, Bertrand, don’t, there is nothing we can do. (A takes up the cage and goes with it upstage left. B puts down the lamp and hastens after him.) Give it here.
A: Leave it, leave it! (He advances to the corner, followed by B, and puts down the cage where he found it. He straightens up and moves back towards his table, still followed by B. A stops short.) Will you have done dogging me! Do you want me to jump too? (Pause. B goes to A’s table, takes up briefcase and chair, goes to his table and sits with back to window. He switches on his lamp, switches it off again immediately.) How end? (Long pause. A goes to window, strikes a match, holds it high and inspects C’s face. The match burns out, he throws it out of window.) Hi! Take a look at this! (B does not move. A strikes another match, holds it high and inspects C’s face.) Come on! Quick! (B does not move. The match burns out, A lets it fall.) Well I’ll be …!
A takes out his handkerchief and raises it timidly towards C’s face.
(Translated by the author.)
Radio I
HE: (gloomily): Madam.
SHE: Are you all right? (Pause.) You asked me to come.
HE: I ask no one to come here.
SHE: You suffered me to come.
HE: I meet my debts.
Pause.
SHE: I have come to listen.
HE: When you please.
Pause.
SHE: May I squat on this hassock? (Pause.) Thank you. (Pause.) May we have a little heat?
HE: No, Madam.
Pause.
SHE: Is it true the music goes on all the time?
HE: Yes.
SHE: Without cease?
HE: Without cease.
SHE: It’s unthinkable! (Pause.) And the words too? All the time too?
HE: All the time.
SHE: Without cease?
HE: Yes.
SHE: It’s unimaginable. (Pause.) So you are here all the time?
HE: Without cease.
Pause.
SHE: How troubled you look! (Pause.) May one see them?
HE: No, Madam.
SHE: I may not go and see them?
HE: No, Madam.
Pause.
SHE: May we have a little light?
HE: No, Madam.
Pause.
SHE: How cold you are! (Pause.) Are these the two knobs?
HE: Yes.
SHE: Just push? (Pause.) Is it live? (Pause.) I ask you is it live.
HE: No, you must twist. (Pause.) To the right.
Click.
MUSIC (faint): ....................................
Silence.
SHE (astonished): But there are more than one!
HE: Yes.
SHE: How many?
Pause.
HE: To the right, Madam, to the right.
Click.
VOICE (faint): ....................................
SHE (with VOICE): Louder!
VOICE (no louder): ................................
Silence.
SHE (astonished): But he is alone!
HE: Yes.
SHE: All alone?
HE: When one is alone one is all alone.
Pause.
SHE: What is it like together?
Pause.
HE: To the right, Madam.
Click.
MUSIC (faint, brief): ....................................
MUSIC
(together):......................................
VOICE
Silence.
SHE: They are not together?
HE: No.
SHE: They cannot see each other?
HE: No.
SHE: Hear each other?
HE: No.
SHE: It’s inconceivable!
Pause.
HE: To the right, Madam.
Click.
VOICE (faint):.............................
SHE (with VOICE): Louder!
VOICE (no louder):.............................
Silence.
SHE: And —(faint stress)—you like that?
HE: It is a need.
SHE: A need? That a need?
HE: It has become a need. (Pause.) To the right, Madam.
Click.
MUSIC (faint):................................
SHE (with MUSIC): Louder!
MUSIC (no louder):............................
Silence.
SHE: That too? (Pause.) That a need too?
HE: It has become a need, Madam.
Pause.
SHE: Are they in the same … situation?
Pause.
HE: I don’t understand.
SHE: Are they … subject to the same … conditions?
HE: Yes, Madam.
SHE: For instance? (Pause.) For instance?
HE: One cannot describe them, Madam.
Pause.
SHE: Well, I’m obliged to you.
HE: Allow me, this way.
Pause.
SHE: (a little off): Is that a Turkoman?
HE (ditto): Allow me.
SHE (a little further off): How troubled you look! (Pause.) Well, I’ll leave you. (Pause.) To your needs.
HE (ditto): Goodbye, Madam. (Pause.) To the right, Madam, that’s the garbage —(faint stress)—the house garbage. (Pause.) Goodbye, Madam.
Long pause. Sound of curtains violently drawn, first one, then the other, clatter of the heavy rings along the rods. Pause. Faint ping—as sometimes happens—of telephone receiver raised from cradle. Faint sound of dialing. Pause.
HE: Hello … Miss … is the doctor … ah … yes … he to call me … Macgillycuddy … Mac—gilly—cuddy … right … he’ll know … and Miss … Miss! … urgent … yes! … (shrill)… most urgent!
Pause. Receiver put down with same faint ping. Pause. Click.
MUSIC (faint):.....................................
HE (with MUSIC): Good God!
MUSIC (faint):....................................
Silence. Pause. Click.
VOICE (faint):.....................................
HE (with VOICE, shrill): Come on! Come on!
VOICE (faint):....................................
Silence.
HE (low): What’ll I do? (Pause. Faint ping of receiver raised again. Faint dialing Pause.) Hello … Miss … Macgillycuddy … Mac-gilly-cuddy … right … I’m sorry but … ah … yes … of course … can’t reach him … no idea … understand … right … immediately … the moment he gets back … what? … (shrill)… yes! … I told you so! … most urgent! … most urgent! (Pause, Low.) Slut!
Sound of receiver put down violently. Pause. Click.
MUSIC (faint, brief): ...............................
Silence. Click.
VOICE (faint, brief):...............................
HE (with VOICE, shrill): It’s crazy! Like one!
MUSIC
(together):......................................
VOICE
Telephone rings. Receiver raised immediately, not more than a second’s ring.
HE (with MUSIC and VOICE): Yes … wait … (MUSIC and VOICE silent. Very agitated.) Yes … yes … no matter … what the trouble is? … they’re ending … ENDING … this morning … what? … no! … no question! … ENDING I tell you … nothing what? … to be done? … I know there’s nothing to be done … what? … no! … it’s me … ME … what? … I tell you they’re ending … ENDING … I can’t stay like that after … who? … but she’s left me … ah for God’s sake … haven’t they all left me? … did you not know that? … all left me … sure? … of course I’m sure … what? … in an hour? … not before? … wait … (low) … there’s more … they’re together … TOGETHER … yes … I don’t know … like … (hesitation)… one … the breathing … I don’t know … (vehement)… no! … never! … meet? … how could they meet? … what? … what are all alike? … last what? … gasps? … wait … don’t go yet … wait! … (Pause. Sound of receiver put down violently. Low.) Swine!
Pause. Click
MUSIC (failing) ................................
MUSIC VOICE
(together, failing):..............................
Telephone rings. Receiver immediately raised.
HE (with MUSIC and VOICE): Miss … what? … (MUSIC and VOICE silent)… a confinement? … (long pause)… two confinements? … (long pause)… one what? … what? … breech? … what? … (long pause) … tomorrow noon? …
Long pause. Faint ping as receiver put gently down. Long pause. Click.
MUSIC (brief, failing): .............................
MUSIC
(together, ending, breaking off together, resuming together more and more feebly):...........
VOICE
Silence. Long pause.
HE (whisper): Tomorrow …noon …
(Translated by the author.)
Radio II
Radio II was first performed by the BBC with Harold Pinter (ANIMATOR), Patrick Magee (FOX), and Billie Whitelaw (STENOGRAPHER) in April, 1976. It was directed by Martin Esslin.
ANIMATOR
STENOGRAPHER
FOX
DICK (mute)
A: Ready, Miss?
S: And waiting, Sir.
A: Fresh pad, spare pencils?
S: The lot, Sir.
A: Good shape?
S: Tiptop, Sir.
A: And you, Dick, on your toes? (Swish of bull’s pizzle. Admiringly.) Wow! Let’s hear it land. (Swish and for midable thud.) Good. Off with his hood. (Pause.) Ravishing face, ravishing! Is it not, Miss?
S: Too true, Sir. We know it by heart and yet the pang is ever new.
A: The gag. (Pause.) The blind. (Pause.) The plugs. (Pause.) Good. (He thumps on his desk with a cylindrical ruler.) Fox, open your eyes, readjust them to the light of day and look about you. (Pause.) You see, same old team. I hope-
S (aflutter): Oh!
A: What is it, Miss? Vermin in the lingerie?
S: He smiled at me!
A: Good omen. (Faint hope.) Not the first time by any chance?
S: Heavens no, Sir, what an idea!
A (disappointed): I might have known. (Pause.) And yet it still affects you?
S: Why yes, Sir, it is so sudden! So radiant! So fleeting!
A: You note it?
S: Oh no, Sir, the words alone. (Pause.) Should one note the play of feature too?
A: I don’t know, Miss. Depending perhaps.
S: Me you know—
A (trenchant): Leave it for the moment. (Thump with ruler.) Fox, I hope you have had a refreshing night and will be better inspired today than heretofore. Miss.
S: Sir.
A: Let us hear again the report on yesterday’s results, it has somewhat slipped my memory.
S (reading): “We the undersigned, assembled under—”
A: Skip.
S (reading): “… note yet again with pain that these dicta—”
A: Dicta! (Pause.) Read on.
S: “… with pain that these dicta, like all those communicated to date and by reason of the same deficiencies, are totally inacceptable. The second half in particular is of such—”
A: Skip.
S: “… outlook quite hopeless were it not for our conviction—”
A: Skip. (Pause.) Well?
S: That is all, Sir.
A: … same deficiencies … totally inacceptable … outlook quite hopeless … (Disgusted.) Well! (Pause.) Well!
S: That is all, Sir. Unless I am to read the exhortations.
A: Read them.
S: “… instantly renew our standing exhortations, namely:
1. Kindly to refrain from recording mere animal cries, they serve only to indispose us.
2. Kindly to provide a strictly literal transcript, the meanest syllable has, or may have, its importance.
3. Kindly to ensure full neutralization of the subject when not in session, especially with regard to the gag, its permanence and good repair. Thus rigid enforcement of the tube-feed, be it per buccam or be it on the other hand per rectum, is absolutely”— one word underlined— “essential. The least word let fall in solitude and thereby in danger, as Mauthner has shown, of being no longer needed, may be it”—three words underlined. “4. Kindly-”
A: Enough! (Sickened.) Well! (Pause.) Well!
S: It is past two, Sir.
A (roused from his prostration): It is what?
S: Past two, Sir.
A (roughly): Then what are you waiting for? (Pause. Gently.) Forgive me, Miss, forgive me, my cup is full. (Pause.) Forgive me!
S (coldly): Shall I open with yesterday’s close?
A: If you would be so good.
S (reading): “When I had done soaping the mole, thoroughly rinsing and drying before the embers, what next only out again in the blizzard and put him back in his chamber with his weight of grubs, at that instant his little heart was beating still I swear, ah my God my God.” (She strikes with her pencil on her desk.) “My God.”
Pause.
A: Unbelievable. And there he jibbed, if I remember aright.
S: Yes, Sir, he would say no more.
A: Dick functioned?
S: Let me see … Yes, twice.
Pause.
A: Does not the glare incommode you, Miss, what if we should let down the blind?
S: Thank you, Sir, not on my account, it can never be too warm, never too bright, for me. But, with your permission, I shall shed my overall.
A (with alacrity): Please do, Miss, please do. (Pause.) Staggering! Staggering! Ah were I but … forty years younger!
S (rereading): “Ah my God my God.” (Blow with pencil.)“My God.”
Ends and Odds Page 6
