by V. L. Silva
“Alan wouldn’t go for her.”
“You’re right. He’d probably go for Samantha instead. I heard he likes fat girls.”
I tuned her out and thought about Hope and her smooth, warm skin. Her smile when I asked if her dad could sing. I imagined her singing while in the shower. Her touching herself while she rubbed soap and suds into her skin.
Her riding away with Dr. Chandler even though she knew it would anger me.
“How did you find me?” Diana asked.
“I’m stalking you.”
She giggled. “Hey, maybe your friends could ride with my friends? My dad isn’t expecting me home for at least another hour.”
“No, I have to do things properly. I should ask your father’s permission to date you first. I’m traditional.”
She sighed and leaned against her chair. The parking lot lights made her brown eyes shine as she looked up at me. “You’re such a gentleman.” She grabbed my shirt and pulled me in. “But you know my dad doesn’t like you. He’ll never give you his blessing.”
I shrugged.
“I’ll work on him,” she said. “Maybe I could get him to invite you to dinner.”
I smiled, genuinely happy by the idea. “I’d like nothing more.”
I waved as Diana and her flunkies drove away.
Two shadows that were almost identical appeared at either side.
“Damn,” Rome said. “I can’t believe she made the suggestion. You didn’t even have to ask.”
I smiled. “Oh, ye of little faith. Have your team ready.”
“They’re ready,” Silas said. “Rome sent the tech over after your little presentation yesterday. By the way, thanks for the extra goodies. You shouldn’t have.”
Rome chuckled. “I thought the amplifiers were a nice touch.”
We were all in high spirits. We’d been strapped to a high-speed train going nowhere during the last three years, hitting highs and lows and doing it all together. The lows always threatened to tear us apart or even worse, pit us against each other. If that happened, San Diego would experience an explosion of nuclear proportions.
I got in the driver’s seat of my car.
Rome climbed into the passenger seat. “Don’t fuck this up.”
“I won’t. Where’s Alan?” I’d called him twice since I picked up Rome and Silas.
“He’s out with the team,” Silas said. “You know he doesn’t feel like he’s one of us.”
“I’m not one of you guys either,” Rome added. “When this is finished, I’ll be glad to never see either of you again.”
“Sounds good to me,” Silas voiced.
And like that, the good vibes fizzled out.
The ride back to La Jolla was quiet. Silas and Rome lived in my neighborhood at my request. Their families had been all for us sticking together. They thought we planned to grieve but now they more or less understood what we were really up to.
“Let me out here,” Silas said when we were about three miles from the complex. I didn’t ask why. He’d dressed for a run. He took a dark trail that had been carved by rainfall into the side of the hills.
I sped off once he was out of view.
Rome threw his seat further back. “Y’all should work your shit out.”
“You should call your dad.”
He laughed humorlessly. “Fuck you, Axel.”
“Don’t offer advice if you’re not ready to get some in return.”
He threw his hands up, palms out. “Hey, I’m not the one doing the tango with my former bestie.”
My gut burned so I shut my mouth. My relationship with Silas, or rather the lack thereof, wasn’t up for discussion.
I drove up in front of Rome’s house. “Are we meeting tomorrow?”
“Nah. I got practice.”
“When’s the swim meet?” I asked.
“Why? You coming?” he deadpanned.
“No, I just need to know your schedule.”
“The meet is on Friday. I already loaded it onto our calendar.” Rome climbed out and slammed the door.
I went home and bid the housekeeper goodnight.
I lived alone. Aunt Brigit had lived in the house for a time but she’d left as soon as I told her I was good on my own. She never liked living here. She’d been close to my father. I understood her discomfort, which was why I’d moved upstairs and away from the common bedrooms.
What had once been an unused space for storage had become my sole living quarters. I had everything I needed up here.
I took off my shoes and put them away. A blank space caught my attention. It was the place I’d put Hope’s shoes when she’d visited. I’d had a pair of shoes being delivered when Hope had come over. The space had been for the new sneakers but they’d ended up not fitting so I sent them back.
Crushing the impulse to spread the shoes out evenly to erase the space, I changed clothes and went down to my old room.
I’d converted it into a gym of sorts. Punching bags and speed bags hung from the ceiling. I wrapped my hands and wrists and stretched out on the mats before hopping on the treadmill to warm up.
Once I felt loosened up I moved to a bag.
The door opened. Silas closed it behind him.
He was drenched. His gray shirt and curly hair clung to him. He was out of breath but he kept his breaths shallow, hiding his need for more oxygen like he hid his need for everything else.
He didn’t say a word as he started wrapping his hand. Rome’s friendly advice came back to me. He thought Silas and I needed to talk.
We didn’t. Everything that needed to be said had already been said between us.
Any other message would be delivered when the gloves went on.
10
Hope
My feet skipped on the way to The Alpine. I smiled at the woman behind the counter as I ordered my drink and did a full spin before I climbed the stairs, sipping my mochaccino all the way.
I smiled at the people who were there at the table. This was the lunch crowd. I didn’t really know them since I didn’t usually come to The Alpine at this hour, but my next class got cancelled so here I was.
It didn’t matter if I knew the people or not. Everyone deserves a smile and I was giving it out like free samples at Costco.
I was in a good mood.
I bypassed the table and took a seat in front of the TV. Seinfeld was on. There was a couple at the other end of the couch not even paying attention to the scene.
I was happy for them. I was happy for everyone. I was just a happy, care-free girl.
Why? Because my life was awesome. First, and foremost, I think I made a friend in my statistics class. She was another scholarship student. We were going to study together later. Also, my teachers seemed to like me. Bonus! I was all caught up with my work. My tips had been good the other night, but most importantly, Axel was being nice. Or distant at least. I decided to ignore how the latter made me feel.
We had a single class together. He’d smiled and had even asked if I needed help. Part of me had wanted to accept it but I’d declined because I knew I wouldn’t get any work done with him around.
I plopped my bag on the ground and pulled out my laptop. I had the athletic meeting tomorrow and I wanted to be prepared for it. Amanda and I had mani-pedi appointments this afternoon and then we were meeting my mom at a thrift shop before our shift at Greener Day, and I was looking forward to it all.
I spent some time looking over the student website, which was separate from the school’s official site. The Pack, as the site was called, had a sleek and refreshing layout in the school’s blue and gray colors.
I logged in with my student ID number and was directed to my private chat. I had no messages, as usual.
Since I was on the PR team, I had admin privileges that allowed me to post stories and articles. I would also go into the chatrooms, delete messages, and freeze other accounts.
“He didn’t want to be with that red-headed cow anyway.” Diana’s voice made me
turn.
She narrowed her eyes at me before she turned back to her friends, still talking loudly enough for the entire room to hear. “He showed up at the theatre on the other side of town. I hadn’t even told him I was going there. When I asked him what he was doing there he told me he was stalking me.” She laughed with her friends. “He’s so obsessed.”
I’m so happy for you. I bit my tongue and tried to concentrate on a question in the chatroom that caught my eye. Someone was asking about Dr. Chandler.
Had Chandler not shown up today?
“And he’s such a gentleman. He wouldn’t even hold my hand without Daddy’s permission. I’m a woman of quality and he knows that.”
He also knows how my vagina smells. But I kept that to myself.
“It’s sad how some girls continue to throw themselves in his direction when he clearly doesn’t want them.”
Was she talking about me? There was no way. I hadn’t been anywhere near Axel in a week.
I felt bad for the girl who was throwing herself at Axel. If he got his hands on her he’d ruin her. I was sure of it.
Another message from the same guy popped up: Dr. Chandler was supposed to help me with my presentation for today but he’s not picking up and his office is cleaned out.
An ominous feeling set my heart off. I typed into the chat: When was the last time you saw Dr. Chandler?
“Hey, Happy!” I didn’t know Diana was talking to me until I turned around. She smiled. “Whatcha doing? Are you waiting for someone?”
I frowned. “Did you just call me happy?”
“That’s your name right? Or is it Patience? Or Charity?” She leaned against the back of the couch. “You know, I once read that names like yours were given to poor orphans. It’s rather unoriginal, don’t you think?”
“Do I think my name is as unoriginal as Diana?” Did she even hear herself?
Her smile fell. “I heard your family was impoverished. Are you their ticket out of the ghetto? Is that why they named you Hope?”
I looked back at the screen. The guy had replied: Last week.
He hadn’t seen Chandler in a week? This wasn’t good. What was going on?
“Are you going to answer my question?”
“Why are you bothering me, Diana?”
She batted her brown eyes. “Because you exist.” Then she leaned forward and lowered her voice, “I want you to leave Axel alone.”
My mouth dropped. “What the heck are you talking about?”
“I saw your number in his phone when he was sweeping through his text messages.”
“It’s someone else. Axel doesn’t have my number.” Though I was pretty sure he could get it if he wanted it. This chick was delusional.
I turned back to my laptop.
She reached out and slapped it closed, nearly snapping my fingers off. “Listen. I haven’t been grooming Axel to be my husband all these years so you could come in and snatch him away from me.”
I couldn’t answer. My rage blurred my vision.
I wanted to put my hands on this girl so badly but I knew what I’d lose if I did and it was likely Diana knew as well. I’d be expelled and she’d go on to live her Barbie dream life while I ended up collecting carts at a local grocer.
I stood up just as Axel came onto the stairs.
“Axel!” Diana cried in fear. Then, again, in elation. “Axel!”
With her back to me, I dragged my things towards a small table in the corner of the room, put my bag in one of the two chairs, took the other seat for myself, and tried to fade into the ambiance. What I really wanted to do was run but I’d already given him the cafeteria. I wasn’t about to give him another thing.
As Diana’s voice continued at the same volume, I grabbed my headphones and slapped them on before I attached them to my laptop and played the first thing I could find on YouTube.
“Ugh!” It was “Wonderwall.”
I let it play out as I opened the chat up again.
Another message from a girl named Tina433 said: Dr. Chandler was fired.
“What?” I was sure my voice was loud but my headphones prevented me from hearing myself. I didn’t look up to see if my exclamation had gained a reaction from anyone.
I messaged back: How do you know?
An icon indicated that Tina was typing. Then her message popped up: My mom sits on the board. She told me about it. Really sad.
Why was he fired? I asked.
Tina took forever to respond. Not sure. Maybe sexual harassment.
I deleted the message from the chatroom as soon as I finished reading it. I didn’t know Dr. Chandler but that sounded like the beginnings of a rumor and I wasn’t going to allow it.
He’d been so nice to me. He stood up for me against Axel when no one else would. He’d given me a ride home and hadn’t given me a creepy vibe at all. I’d been looking forward to speaking to him again. I hadn’t paid attention that much when he’d been talking about my dad. I was ready now, but it was too late.
Dr. Chandler was fired and no one knew why.
I turned towards the table I’d worked at with him. Axel sat at the head of the table across the room. His arms were braced on the surface. His shoulders were more defined than ever.
Diana slapped her hand on his arm even as she spoke to him.
Axel was smiling at her but he stretched his arm out behind Diana’s head and lifted a finger. Since it was out of Diana’s vision I knew he wasn’t telling her to be quiet.
I narrowed my eyes. Was he trying to signal something to someone?
Did he want someone to look up or wait? Maybe he was counting.
One.
The moment the one hit me I knew.
His eyes moved to me and he winked before he turned back to Diana.
He’d done this. This was one of my punishments.
Fear flooded my blood and turned it cold. I was frozen.
Diana got up to leave and whispered something to Axel.
I turned away before she could catch me staring at him. I did not want the drama that girl brought.
I looked at my laptop. My hands were trembling.
Dr. Chandler was gone.
This couldn’t be right. Axel was only a student. There was no way he’d gotten a teacher dismissed.
I opened the school’s official website and looked at the faculty page for the School of Business. I had to type it in a few times because I kept hitting the wrong keys.
I looked again and again.
Dr. Chandler wasn’t there.
The seat across from me was filled and my bag was put on the floor.
I pushed my laptop open when it started to close. “Stop it. Your girlfriend already did it to me once and I’m seconds away from blowing a gasket.”
“I take it you still haven’t learned your place,” Axel murmured.
I looked up. “You got him fired, didn’t you?”
He reached out and took off my headphones. “Lower your voice.”
“I can’t believe—”
His hand landed on my knee under the table. “I said—”
Shoving his hand off, I stood up. I was shaking as I picked up my bag and folded my laptop inside. I’d gotten a man fired from his dream job. He’d lost everything because of this little game between Axel and me. My stomach contents threatened to come up.
“Hope, sit down.”
“No.” My vision blurred.
He calmly covered my hand with his, stopping me. “You’re only making this worse for yourself.”
“He was nice to me.”
“You shouldn’t have got in the car with him.”
“I wish I never met you.” I yanked my hand away and stormed out of the room.
My anger carried me down the stairs and out the front door. The shade of the trees did nothing to cool me.
He grabbed me in the woods. “Why do you insist on angering me?”
I shoved at his chest hard. He barely rocked back. There was nothing I could do to thro
w him off. He was immovable. I’d never win. “Why?”
“Yes, why?” he hissed.
I glared at him. “Why are you angry?”
“Because, you got into that car with him when you knew what it would do to me.” He crowded my space and caught my arm when I tripped over a branch. “You knew what you were doing and you still did it.”
“What do you want from me?!” I screamed. “You have a girlfriend.”
“I don’t.” He lowered his voice. “Diana is just my friend.”
“Well, maybe we should ask her. Hm? What do you think about that?”
He clenched his jaw. “I don’t want to discuss Diana with you anymore.”
“Oh, so you can go to the movies with her but I can’t get a ride with a teacher?”
He grinned. “That made you jealous, did it?”
“No, I’m just pointing out how certified you are.”
“Diana means nothing to me.”
Poor girl. “She really likes you.”
“She really likes a lot of things.”
“Don’t you feel sorry for her? Don’t you feel bad for what you’re doing?”
He hesitated. “I can’t afford to feel bad.”
“I don’t even know what that means.” I looked up at the canopy of branches overhead. Rays of sun were filtering through the trees with a few turning the green leaves transparent. Axel shifted and changed the view. Now I was looking at him. The air was clean and sweet. I couldn’t pull in another lungful of it. I was overwhelmed with life. Axel overwhelmed me.
His expression was puzzled. “Where there is no order, there is chaos.”
I blinked. I didn’t even bother to ask him what he meant. I didn’t want to ask him for another thing. “I have to go.”
“Where?”
I was done fighting. “I have a nail appointment.”
“I’ll take you.” He reached for my bag but I leaned away. “I want you to leave me alone. I never want to—”
“Stop.” He cupped my face. “Don’t say that.”
“Why? It’s true.” I hated him. “I wish we never met.”
He rubbed his nose against mine. “You can’t mean that.”
I held my breath and he leaned away. His voice quieted. “I can’t let you mean that. Meeting you was the best birthday gift I’d received in a long time.”
